E for Yippeeee

Moving On, Moving Over

2008-11-02T15:21:00.002-05:00

And in that spirit, here's my new blogsite: http://yippeeee2.blogspot.com/

Distrust

2008-08-31T12:14:00.003-04:00

That did it! just that one word at the right moment.
I was bopping along after a wonderful morning so far - great walk through the early Sunday market streets, delicious coffee at home afterwards, 'nother walk with a close friend. I was getting ready to paint and on an impulse, I checked my emails. Following a link to what Louise posted today . I started reading with interest, reading with my head I suppose. Until I reached the second paragraph where she lists a few powerful words we've all heard millions of times: Rage. Outrage! Grief. Resentment. Distrust. Self-loathing. I didn't even make it to 'self-loathing'. The enormous wave of energy that surged through me as 'distrust' went from the screen to my body (not my head) was quite something; and it continued for a while, in waves. Thankfully I knew to let it move, to relax my body and keep breathing and I welcomed the power and strength of the sensations in my body as it went through the process of (long overdue!) awareness and acceptance and integration of the vibration of distrust.
For me, now that my body has somewhat stabilised, the nominalisation brings to mind lots of images of people and situations and stories that I knew, or more accurately sensed, at the time I couldn't trust, were not 'honest'. The charge in the word has dissipated although I sense there is lots of rage and outrage still in me that's related to the theme that I will be integrating as the day/week continues. I HOPE I will, for sure; I've been limiting myself by keeping them hidden 'n quiet (as I was taught to do - by people I trusted).
The first insight has been: no wonder trusting myself is often such a leap of faith when DIStrust has been so potent in my life. And no wonder I spent enormous effort to create a space for me that I could trust, feel safe in - which wasn't ever that because 'distrust' still drove my bus. Am I making sense? - seems circular, but I'll just keep writing. So limiting, so full of fear. oooof, rage and outrage rise in me at the realisation.
And the second insight is: no wonder I'm on an honesty whatever the cost path now, and have been for a while. The connection to 'distrust' wasn't clear to me before; what I sense now is that my Self however, did! And my urgent need for honesty that's grown to huge proportions over the last few years, my recent willingness to decloak to myself and others has probably been an out-of-awareness surge for survival of my innerself; I finally hear, accept and yes, even though it's been a rollercoaster - TRUST myself.
Third - and last for now as I sense I'm still shaking an this 'insight' is a fuzzy one: Louise's often repeated wise recommendation: "you hear what you hear, see what you see and know what you know" was truly greek to me 3 years ago. My layers and layers of a callous of distrust (I'm seeing today) blocked those words from REALLY touching me. And it certainly wasn't how I'd lived my life. I've not been aware of just how well I'd allowed myself to not see/hear/know - I guess because I wanted to trust but knew deep down inside I couldn't/shouldn't - what I was being told/shown didn't match with my reality.
I know my distrust goes far far back into my early youth; it feels really old - and I'm not going to investigate why or when; it's not relevant. I'm going to let whatever's rumbling today about all this keep moving, though; i don't think the waves are over. I probably shouldn't even be posting this blog - on the other hand, why hide my confusion and excitement any longer? I can trust them, and myself.

Stretching My Mind and Booking Out

2008-07-13T17:12:00.004-04:00

I'm getting so good at 'booking out' when whatever's going on doesn't feel good (to ME) - who'd 'uv thought I could be so 'selfish' and impolite, eh? I'm still helpful at times, and still do most of the laundry and a large part of the groceries and 'adult-food' cooking 'round here, but when the conversations lag 'n drag, or the kiddie noise level gets even slightly way-too-much-for-me, I vamoose. Works for me!
I've been reading Brian Greene's 'The Fabric of the Cosmos'- which is amazing. The book is amazing, but it's also truly amazing that I'm reading it. Never having had any school physics is maybe in my favour as I don't have to UNlearn anything. But 'the universe' is far beyond anything I thought I was interested in! I'd never been interested in the night sky - it seemed to be about memorising names and getting interested in configurations that are recognisable and "i should know', neither of which did it for me (especially as I've been short-sighted since I was 12). Now THERE's a metaphor i want to get curious about (later!). The book has fascinated me because for the first time I'm reading a somewhat easy-to-understand explanation of currently accepted theories about, as the cover says: space, time and the texture of reality. The 'fundamental nature of the universe' is WAY bigger than my focus had ever wandered: my reading over the last 40 years, when not novels and the news, and the New Yorker, had been about current politics and economics, international development, sustainable cities and social history and geography. All here/now issues and Interesting Problems To Fix. And more recently I've been reading, mostly, books listed on or leading out of from to the Wel-Systems Institute suggestions that are more 'scientific' and are certainly getting me into areas I'd known NOTHING about : Bruce Lipton, Candace Pert, Lynne McTaggart, Ervin Laszlo. (See wel-systems.com) So I suppose the progression outward to 'the universe' has been a 'logical' expansion of my horizon, but i still find it amazing that I can hardly put Brian Greene's book down . . . And next on my pile is Michio Kaku and Stanislas Grof.
No wonder I'm booking out of as many boring and/or mundane conversations as I can, 'round here and r econsidering how 'ehlpful' I'm going to be. - There are SO MANY other ways to have a good time and stretch my imagination.

Peeling off another layer of an old story

2008-07-07T11:17:00.004-04:00

I've neither blogged nor journaled since the EF:EW week in June.
All the options seemed too slow as the thoughts and insights whizzed past. But that's the trouble . .
they whizzed past and I have to trust that as each thought/awareness
passed through me it left a piece o' the popcorn IN me, and that when
I need it it'll be there for me.
Many of the 'insights' were useful at the time, certainly; some of the
thoughts were NO MORE OF THIS dammit - and I think those'll stick as
they came with fire. I'm still finding 'new' evidence my amazing and
long track-record of tolerating stuff that is way beyond tolerable; I
notice each time - and it happens frequently, I'm horrified to see,
that I'm left with: I really dunno what 'no more of this' will mean,
but i'll soon find out! It's invigourating . . . whereas the
'intolerable' was debilitating (I NOW realise). No wonder I had 'no
energy' and 3rd chakra symptoms for years!
Some of my whizzing thoughts were clearly results of the EF:EW
discussions: e.g. what I create IS and expression of me and I haven't
been making that connection. And now, when I do, it's pretty damn
amazing to actually see ME in the vase - instead of seeing 'just' a
lovely colourful cheerful satisfying bunch of flowers that I'd put on
the table.
Earlier today - which seems as far back as I can retrieve specific
content! - I had a huge surge of an old familiar feeling that I didn't
like. I got out of the house and after letting it move through me, I
sensed it had to do with waking up to the now-undeniable truth that
'I'm 'NOT fitting in', I am truly out of place here. I also sensed
that my strong dislike of the feeling in my body was because it came
from the deeper, very strong fear . . . if I don't fit in, then what?
Nothing Good in that for me! I'll be on the outside, looking in,
disliked, rejected, abandoned - or worse.
Eyes wide open, I looked out in front of me at the early morning view
and breathed the cool air and felt the warming sun on my body, and
welcomed the realisation: This is/I am ME, now, July 4 2008, and if I
don't fit in, so what. And it felt good. It felt great to know I'm me
and ok, in fact. It was clear that nothing about 'not fitting in' is
fearful; that's an old childhood-based fear in fact. And also, in
fact, Not Fitting In is more than ok, it's empowering. Fitting In
brings 'too small a box' to mind, or pretzeling myself, or cutting off
the parts of myself that are too big/ that don't fit. WHY would I ever
want to do that, eh? So to hell with what's going on here on with
who's here that I wanted to fit in with (PAST tense, notice!). ALL I'm
going to do is to make sure I'm creating an environment for me, a here
and now, where I enjoy being here being me.
At the EB level, that meant that I made myself a coffee and some
cereal, ate it alone on the porch, picked and arranged the last of the
peonies - making the house look the way I wanted it to right then,
set up my paints for the first time in a couple of weeks and splashed
and swirled reds and yellows over a page. Ultimately it's probably not
big enough here and now for me, but at least today's here and now is
MINE and that's a huge beginning. I sense it'll grow as I allow it to.
At a 'higher' level, I was clear/am clear that I'm in a different
space than this morning - and it feels much better - geesh, why can't
I write 'wonderful' or shout whoppeeee at you all out there . . . Surely I
can give myself permission to toot my own horn now? Yep, I can. Heh.
Block your ears, ladies! It feel #(*$&#$^*^^ great!
The penny is REALLY dropping again - even tho' I thought I'd got it
well enough (!) in Oceanstone - I was so well-conditioned to Trying To
Fit IN that I'd missed the point: that there's actually nothing out
there to Fit In To . . . it's a whole safety/acceptance/worthiness
story I'd built for myself. The myth of 'the group', the family, the
marriage, The Rock. And how many more invitations will I have to give
myself before I've truly got it???
Proof; Everyone else (Stefan, my daughter, the 4 grandchildren and the
great teenaged day-sitter) has gone about their own day, from the
looks of it they're happy to be themselves in their own reality. They
are all them - individual godforces doing their own things.
And I am ME in my 'reality' . . . where there's space and moving air
and vibrant colours ( if/when I don't try to fit in to their
realities). And I've no idea what the afternoon now holds for me, but
it won't be a case of me fitting in. I Promise (myself).

EF:EW - Thoughts and declarations

2008-06-15T22:21:00.002-04:00

This 4-day program, once again, was wonderful; very helpful, stimulating and enlivening; an experience not an event. (http://www.louiselebrun.com/Women/Entrepren.htm) I’m not going to try to describe it; instead I will let the after-glow play in my body, welcome further insights that bubble up like slow after-shocks, and remember the engaged, lively, intense conversations with enjoyment and amazement. I’ve returned home feeling GREAT which feels mostly like feeling new, not just renewed nor revived nor merely changed - although those words are applicable too.

A snake leaps to mind: I’ve been shedding skins (actually I’ve been metabolizing blocked information/energy – but let’s play snake and shed ‘em for now) as I advanced along my journey through the Wel-Systems garden of programs. Last week a few more layers peeled off and so today, I feel a little bare; the skin I've exposed is so much less thick (callused?). I feel a bit raw, and unprotected by my old ‘coat’ that in fact was not protecting me: it was restricting me.. This now feels different, lighter and more agile; freer. I know I’ll be more sensitive to and aware of what I slither over (still gracefully!?); it’ll mean I’ll choose my path more mindfully; it’ll be MY path each day, each moment, and I’ll see/hear/notice any rough patches when I create them and not plough through them willy-nilly any more with a stiff upper lip or a brave smile – as I’ve done so proficiently until now.
Snakes are all-body-no-intellect. Standing on my own two feet, I’m going to check in with my inner Self from now on, constantly, and choose based on what I ‘hear’ instead of acting on information from my head and my cultural conditioning. Snakes, being what they are, MUST be very externally referenced; they must negociate defensively, reactively, in their given environment. I’ve done that until now, I now realise. But going forward, I will not continue this – after all, I’m not a snake.

I, as a godforce expressing mySelf in this holographic universe as Lucy in my human body, am able to create my environment, my holodeck. The biggest ‘outcome’ from the EF:EW experience last week is that I know, and more importantly feel-in-my-body that my days of cautiously slithering (often away from opportunities), of fearfully negociating my way through badlands and of dodging perceived or actual dangers in the landscape are over. Enough! No need! Done that! It doesn’t work for me! From now on: I connect with mySelf, I stay connected and awake, I choose, and my landscape/world will unfold before me and I will move into it, engaged and engaging.

If I try, I can clearly remember/feel my shock and awe, dismay, anger, disappointment with myself each time I became fully aware of a ‘skin’ that was covering, limiting, encasing me and determining how I moved and what I felt as I moved along (or stayed still – which was often the case). I can also recall/recapture the relief, excitement, sense of hope and expansion resulting from spotting/naming a ‘skin’ because I knew that I didn’t have to wear it any longer, once I’d recognized it for what it was and accepted it as a part of my being. My ‘inadequate/not up to the job’ –ness, and my unworthy/unaccepted – ness, and my lonely/abandoned –ness, and hence my resulting fearfulness and unending ability to hunker down and either to not see/hear/know or to tolerate what I was creating are still part of me, but they will no longer govern my state of being; they will no longer guide my decisions and rule my life.

Most of the time in this ‘old’ state (and old is not understatement: I’ve let myself stay in it for almost sixty years), I would disconnect from myself and observe myself moving/acting/complying/obliging/following in order to avoid or to feel less ‘pain’. Living this way - disconnected and externally referenced and thus un-authentically, does NOT equal Living Fully. I’m done with living dis-connected, hunkered-down and half-sized. It’s not much fun; it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t allow for my signal to express itself in this world. And I really, really want to beep/whirr/sparkle from now on. Checking in with mySelf, seeing what I see, hearing what I hear, knowing what I know, and choosing what feels right for me sounds so easy; it has NOT been my primary modus vivendi to date - and it’s going to be from now on.

Tonight I feel, sense, know inside that I’ve rounded a really crucially important bend: I’m fully aware that it’s up to me, and possible for me, to choose ME, to be ME on my own path. And that by staying fully aware of, and awake to ME (of my signal from Self) the path unfolds for me. I’ve thought I was ‘here’ before . . . now I know I’m much more ‘here’ - the EF:EW program this week made many things clearer – there’s nothing more clarifying than speaking out loud, hearing myself tell a supportive group of friends about myself and as a result, finally see clearly that which I’d been hiding from my awareness, that which I was not allowing myself to know.

So it’s clear to me now that I’ve got to be ‘here’: my own Living Fully depends on it and it’s my choice. Remember what I’ve already quoted/blogged about before? If I want to have x, I’ve got to do a+b PLUS c. And anything less than a+b+c won’t get me x. What became shockingly clear to me this week is how extremely dis-connected I have been. (Is that like extremely pregnant? Either you’re pregnant are or you’re not? I guess so – but for me, extremely feels like the right adjective for my dis-connected-ness). In this ‘new for me’ but not new context, where c is crucial: What if: a = choose me (what feels right for me), b = be me (not my cultural conditioning), c = stay connected to me and x = living fully? Maybe x includes immensely, expandingly, full power, full sparkle? Who, me? Why not, eh. I think I’d look good wearing x; totally different from who/what I’ve been/felt like ‘til now, that’s for sure. Jeepers, I think it’s already happening.

Jeepers!

2008-05-24T18:15:00.003-04:00

I’ve just read Louise’s latest blog (There is a Storm Brewing: http://www.louiselebrun.com/WomenGathering/?p=46) and I’m wondering: Holy Shit JUST WHAT have I signed up for!?
I KNOW I want to be part of Big Conversations, actively participating and truly being present, and I clearly remember not so long ago that I KNEW that intensity was fearsome, not for me and certainly ‘not me’. So, two weeks from now, the 4-day ‘Emerging Futures: Entrepreneurial Women’ at Oceanstone might be something I’ve never experienced before in more ways that I am aware of! The cast of players, and the sense of ‘something’s happenin’ and I dunno what it is’ that we all seem to be aware of right now in our individual ways, mean that I might want to either fasten my seat belt, hunker down and take some gravol, or shout yipppeeee and surrender into the flow of whatever unfolds as our energies combine. It could be the wildest ride into the unknown that I’ve ever taken. And it’s my choice; it’s my holodeck!
What surprises ME most it that I sense inside me that I’m up for this even though I have NO idea what ‘I’m up for’. I’ve clearly shifted my approach to Life. Previously I’d have I checked ‘it’ out, assessed numerous possible outcomes as best I could and ‘made sure’, opted for (perceived) safety; or I’d have externally referenced the decision (another form of safety) or I’d have made up a story that fitted. And then I’d have spent the 4-days making sure that the experience matched the expectations, again, that it fitted, was safe etc etc etc.
How small-making! Crazy-making! A closed loop, for sure. As I know now, there was an intelligence for me to live that way – but that was then.

As I ‘check in with my body’ I get a YES, Be There (with a butterfly or two making a faint take-off attempt); trust this impulse, Lucy! Trust ME.
As I learned when I Told My Story out loudthree weeks ago (or was it only two?), so much of my life was spent alone, or trying to fit in to a group so as not to be alone, or pretending I actually did fit into a group and kidding myself that this felt ok. So some of my faint butterfly sensation is a hangover that’s still in a few cells, I guess: do I really ‘belong’ in a program with these other amazing, strong, restless and fearless women? Will they ‘accept’ me? Old fears. A more relevant ‘concern’, given my five decades of limiting myself: Will I actually be able to accept the part of me that avoided intensity and not-knowing and instead access/live that part of me that’s intense, curious, daring/courageous and really really wants to surrender fully into life - instead of thinking about it or hiding from it?
As I write, I’m aware that I’m/that’s in my head. In my body, there’s a YES I CAN access that part of me, and a Get Going, Lucy! that makes me realize that the intense, curious, daring/courageous part of me is alive and kicking, it’s actually not buried very deep any more, except when I fall asleep and allow old limiting, habituated reponses to swamp me, or when stay in my head and make up/repeat old stories ‘cuz they sound familiar and it’s so easy to go/slip back to the known.

Too bad EF:EW isn’t this coming week.
I herewith resolve to, in anticipation, create my own versions of a memorable experience of splashing around in the unknown; no editing; randomness here I come. I know that “it doesn’t have to be difficult” – it merely requires me to get out of my way. And I don’t have to do this alone; my play-group might be less overtly Ready To Rock than the up-coming EF:EW adventuresses but I’ll choose the best explorers that I can find ‘round here. And three home-made 4-day intensives and it’ll almost be time to go and play with the EW’s by the water in the sunshine. Heh! Intensity! I’ve signed myself up. YIKES and YES!

Too Fast to NOT

2008-05-15T22:35:00.002-04:00

Since my last blog, which seems to me now like a long long time ago, I've been MOVING - both in the Wel-systems way of letting information unblock and assimilate itself in my body, and in the Moving Right Along way. So much seems to happen each day, and the hours pass so quickly and so interestingly that I couldn't NOT notice the change in me, even if I were trying to kid myself that nothin' had happened. It's as if the air has become less dense around me and I can move through it effortlessly.

re blogging: The 'problem' isn't that I don't have recent stuff I'd like to exude over, marvel about or ponder over, on paper. And it's not that I don't like the speed I'm experiencing, or even the intensity I'm feeling (THAT's radical as I knew myself as Ms. Intensity Avoidance). It's partly that I don't take the time, don't slow down enough, don't just sit down and write; I find I'm chosing to NOT blog at this point - the sensation of the warm breeze filling my sails is too lovely, right now. And it's partly that, as 'everything' changes so quickly, a thought or an impulse that I might write about would 'uv become obsolete by the time I'd 'uv finished writing. At least that's what briefly flashes in my mind whenever Hey! blog again, Lucy! zooms through me as one of many options.

I don't feel my foot is consciously on the gas pedal, and I DO feel I'm steering the car/bus as it moves forward on it's own. The pavement's good; the potholes are not too deep, nor too abundant; the road I'm zipping along seems wide and endless. I feel like I just got my license. I'm seeing green lights ahead right now - after all, I get to choose the street lights on my holodeck.
It's a stick shift I'm driving; it's a paradigm shift I'm living.

Author, painter, whatever

2008-04-24T18:52:00.002-04:00

Painting has shown me several things over the 18 months since I first picked up a brush. I’ve learned that I love the wetness, smoothness and sound of the painting process; that I really enjoy learning how to see differently, and to see more; that I have ‘stuff’ to say/paint that seems pretty strong and vibrant – and that that’s probably a reflection of what’s moving through me!
It’s become clear to me that when I am grounded and just ‘see what happens’ on the canvas, the process of painting is totally consuming: time flies; it feels great and it’s energizing; the outcome is usually a surprise and often something I like a lot. Even when I try to use a photo as a starting point and am working more ‘from my intellect’ with a kind of a plan, if I just let my brush move freely I do end up with a fairly close representation of what I was seeing in the photo or at least a ‘picture’ I am pleased with. The beginner that I am is still really amazed that I can actually do this and how much fun I’m having.
If a painting starts to ‘go wrong’ – usually by not meet my expectations, not ‘turning out’ - and I buckle down and really work at it, it generally goes really wrong from that point on, and my undertaking feels like slow-moving struggle; darnitall; oooof; why am I doing this to myself; and proof of my lack-of-talent. When/if I return to the canvas later, and pick up where I left off yet from a different place in me, the process is often easy and satisfying, with ‘good’ results. I’ve shown myself again and again that it’s a case of allowing whatever’s in me to flow and evolve, and if/when I do, something I like is the result –it might be actually lovely/beautiful, or ‘merely’ interesting, or crazy and whimsical, or just surprising (and possibly pretty ‘ugly’ by generally accepted standards).

In ‘reality’, when I let my body direct my choices and actions, I get what’s right for me at that moment. When I work ‘from my intellect’, it’s often a struggle. This has been very apparent to me recently; and my painting process is a fractal of this.

The exciting part is that in the middle of the night last night, an important-feeling insight popped for me:
My life is actually as SAFE a game as painting is. And it’ll be as much FUN and BIG as I allow it to be, just like painting has been recently. They’re not that different. It wasn't actually at thought, at least not at first; it was more a feeling - a great surge of YESness inside.

While I have reached a point that I’m clear that ‘it’s only a piece of paper/canvas – what’s to fear?’ and whatever I paint, it’s mine and I can paint over if it’s not working for me - I had never made the connection to my own sense of safety/abundance and willingness to give myself permission to dare to live more fully, and especially to dare to ‘be outrageous’.

It’s my life and it’s not so different from a canvas; I am choosing the size, colours, textures, tones and shapes as I go; the creative process just unfolds if I get out of it’s way. I’d often told myself ‘it’s my life, my story, and I’m writing it. And that, while also true, has left me with feelings in my body which I’ve associated with responsibility, urgency, necessity to perform (not waste this chance). All pretty loaded, heavy sensations in my body – and not conducive to spontaneity nor courageous leaping-into-unknowns. Maybe even childhood values of ‘don’t waste paper’ and ‘write clearly so others can read it’ and the inherent value of books, of literature, and a respect for words (watch what you say!) that I imbibed early on, have all been playing a part in this, out of my awareness. Who knows.

By changing ONE small piece of this puzzle/game/illusion – namely that I’m painting my painting (instead of writing my book), the issue (my life) has taken on a totally different feel: lighter, bigger, permitting more changes and surprises; basically allowing me to GO FOR MORE. Why? I think ‘reframing’ in NLP terms is what I’m actually doing, but who knows why being a painter is more empowering for me that being an author – and who cares. I feel MUCH lighter today as a result of this small twist in my metaphor/illusion/perception of life, and I like it. It seems to me now that the fears that have been limiting my ability to ‘fly’ (a.k.a. to live fully, to give myself permission to do a, b. AND c, to live randomly; and slightly more specifically either to write, paint, explore, kiss numerous frogs with abandon) could actually have been shifted – dare I say disappeared? All of them? And without protracted stuggle? What an outrageous thought! I feel pretty damn good today. Yippeeee – basically!
And stepping our of NOW (briefly) and looking ahead:
What a great way to go INTO an intensive week of “Decloaking”! . . . THIS is usually the space I’m in at the END of a Wel-Systems experience.

Lately

2008-04-13T19:21:00.003-04:00

Lately, I’ve been painting, reading - with 3 books on the go , listening to Louise’s “Leadership” cds; in short: moving through my days with no plan (randomly) and with enthusiasm. Somehow, blogging has fallen by the wayside although occasionally I find myself, while walking outside (in the sometimes spring-like air) and especially when painting, in a sort of internal blogging mode. In a abstract way: I’m not forming sentences, but I’m thinking thoughts; it’s beyond just ‘having’ thoughts and the thought(s) is/are not yet really formed, gelled. It’s fun – seeing what pops up, from the past - sometimes a new angle, sometimes a repeat, sometimes a whim or fantasy for the future. And just letting these thoughts fly without pushing, guiding or limiting them. Some fizzle out as fast as they came, others begin to feel more like an exploration, or a sparkle with a bit of staying power.

The rest of the time when I’m painting, I’m pretty much ‘just’ painting - pushing and pulling colours across the paper, mixing colours and seeing what happens; and constantly surprising myself with what emerges. Time flies. I’m starting not to feel naughty or self-indulgent or silly. (That old familiar voice is less frequently audible, but I still know what she used to say: I’m not An Artist hence and what am I doing pretending I can paint? Do something useful!). And I’m actually allowing myself to be quite pleased with some of the results, and recognizing my own sense of pleasure and surprise with the results, and I’m aware that I’m enjoying the feeling in my body as I’m standing in front of the easel, brush in hand. Maybe that’s why I’m doing it – to get a bit more in tune with me and my feelings? If so, it’s working! Or is it a way for me to learn to just me in the moment, focusing on putting one mark on the canvas at a time? That’s working too.
Despite my musing about it here, I like that I don’t even have to know ‘why’ I doing it.

For the upcoming term at the School of Art, I’ve signed up for another session of ‘Acrylics for Beginners’ classes – that was a really easy decision. More daring was enrolling in “Dare to Sculpt”. It’s been an idea forming for a while, and then, in March at an exhibit of Henry Moore works in London I actually said out loud: I’d like to learn how to sculpt, to mold things with my hands, to see what happens. So I enrolled. In spite of my aghast, often-instantly-there don’t-do-it voice: screeching: Hubris! TWO art classes, who do I think I am? And sculpting? for gods sake, I’m NOT Henry Moore. Have pity on the instructor! But something else inside was prompting me loudly and clearly: YES, BE crazy. So I’m going to give it a whirl! Watch me twirl! And yes, probably I should have pity on the instructor who’ll have to deal with someone (ME) who has no idea how to begin to think/create in 3D. I suppose so . . . EXCEPT . . . because this is a holographic universe, and I’m being drawn to this, full of curiosity and the tingle of Yippeee - Adventure Ahead! ‘having pity’ is not the way I’m thinking any more. Now it’s . . . Choose me, eh!
So Ms Sculpting Instructor will have me aboard for nine Mondays; and she’s really welcome on my holodeck too.
And my old voice is groaning at the thought. Too bad for her, now; she’s been zipped.

MY VACUUM

2008-04-01T13:06:00.002-04:00

It’s not that I need to do the vacuuming around here; it’s that I feel like I’m in A Vacuum, and it’s dense and heavy, warm and safe – yet physically uncomfortable. The rain on the roof sounds steady, determined and comforting, and the aimlessness of my day is unsettling. I have lots TO DO, and absolutely no inclination to get any of IT done nor to start anything new. Those ‘to do’s’ are products of my intellect – some of them I even actually truly want to do. And I know that my ‘uncomfortablness’ is heavily influenced by my OLD belief that being busy is ’good’ and getting stuff done is useful – (combined with the knowledge of the fact that I will have to complete these tasks at one point and/but postponing them for a while isn’t going to change much). And my body is saying NO to all of them; I’m not bored, not tired, not depressed; I’m restless, unsettled, unfocussed and sort of floating – with lots of body responses traveling gently but nonetheless noticeably through me.
I ‘know’ this is all ok and that I don’t need to fix myself, don’t need to ‘snap out of it’ (as I’ve be taught to do); and I’m trusting that just letting it happen and staying with it is what I need to do if I’m going to get to know myself better and move closer to living MY life. It’s just that right now, it feels . . . . well, like I’m in limbo/a vacuum, and although I have ‘been here’ before, I’ve never actually liked this state and I used to usually try to suppress/override/ignore it – back then, I didn’t know the afloat-and-drifting sensation is really a form of information about myself, I’d always ‘believed’ that this vaccum-space was a mood and nothing worth paying attention to.

I’m getting an ‘EASE UP, be gentle, dammit’ message as I write. And a ‘wallow merrily in the vaccum and see what happens’ whisper is filling my space. Luxuriating has always been fraught with ‘don’t’ connections in the past; allowing myself to enjoy the vastness of the vacuum is an intellectual oxymoron for me right, and I know I’m going to try it anyway, this afternoon, and see how my body likes it – to hell with what my culturally conditioned self might murmur.

Sarah’s recent phrase leaps to mind: " i am ready for more...... i am aware being for me...is simply energy moving in and out of me and from others to others." The sentence has stuck with me since I read it because it resonated so strongly with how I’ve been living/feeling recently – certainly since the EF:EW experience a month ago when the penny really dropped – kerplunk – and I realized that I fully stand in the New Paradigm. And this last month, it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster as others who live in the ‘old paradigm’ triggered habitual responses from me which no longer felt/were authentic, and that prompted me to wake up again and to choose/speak from my newly recognized space.

Today, it’s as if my body, especially the area around my 6th and 7th chakras, is giving me invitations to really assimilate more layers of this awareness, and to get in tune with this more deeply, more completely; maybe my actual cells are still reconfiguring themselves. It’s as if I’m creating a vacuum around myself to protect me from bumping up against something today – as if I’m in fact helping myself, supporting myself until I’m ready to move, choose, put one foot down in front of the other again. Sounds gentle to me . . . I’ll accept it gratefully – and see it as wonderful and wise, not uncomfortable and disorienting.
I can already feel that my feet are almost ready to touch ground again – I feel quite different from the Chagall-like floating figure I was when I started writing this.

Doing C

2008-03-09T16:42:00.003-04:00

I’m not sure if was last June, I am sure it was at Oceanstone and I can visualize the Great Room, me sitting beside the fire and Louise opposite me. I think I even gasped as Louise made the clear point: ”If you want to get x, and it takes a+b+c but you’re only willing to do a+b, you'll never ever get x, you’ll get something else; and it’s your choice.”
It made a huge impression on me then, and I thought I’d ‘got it’ then, too. This week, though, I’ve had several invitations to wake up and realize that, on a regular basis, I’m not doing c. Almost as if the way I move through the world is Not Doing C. And once again, I’m saying NO MORE to myself, and by blogging it and sending my intention out into the univers, I’m planning on making it happen.

What’s not doing c? Lots of things, this week.
- I didn’t change what I’m doing even though I was very aware as I did it that what I was doing was not working. I’ll admit that I didn’t actually know how to do it differently, but more importantly, I realize now that I didn’t let myself explore other options, didn’t take a risk (which wasn’t really a risk as the situation was a harmless painting exercise). But, once I woke up to what was happening, I got curious, and then somewhat horrified, about the ‘where else’ issue (i.e where else in my life do I fall into this pattern).
- I drew my line in the sand far to close too where I was standing. I kept myself small and puny because I planted my spear (a good thing) allowing only for a small change. I ‘took into account’ what I felt my environment could tolerate, I accepted to aim for what would be ‘a good beginning’ instead of taking what I really wanted to achieve as my starting line and accepting nothing less. In this instance, I kept myself at effect, and possibly underestimated the situation. At any rate, what I got was what I’d aimed for, and I know that what I wanted (and still want) was/is more than that. Again, I wasn’t willing to risk ‘asking for’ more; I didn’t state my full truth – to myself first of all, or when I set my spear.
- I chose to fall into a well-honed strategy of responding to a plea for help without taking my own needs/wishes/goal into consideration. The opportunity to give-when-asked triggered an instant yes reponse from me; I didn’t check in first with my body, or my intellect for that matter. My culturally conditioned self just leapt into action and I stopped doing what was actually something I had consciously chosen, and what was nourishing and pleasant. I DID help, that’s probably true; but I did not stand up for myself and my needs. I didn’t want to seem selfish, unhelpful – my old rules grabbed me by the throat again and I surrendered my own voice to them. I’m aware that if I hadn’t ‘helped’ in this instance, the dynamic of the underlying situation would have changed as I wouldn’t have perpetuated the existing pattern; THAT, in fact, would have been more helpful. And it’s not too late, now that I’ve remembered again who I am, and that I can change things by doing things differently.

So all this begs the question: what IS c?
Some of what c is, of course, depends on what x is. But without trying to be too cute or clever about this, let’s say that x ranges from an immediate outcome to the huge vast enlivening concept of living ‘fully’ - as the godforce that now know I am.
In all cases, c includes:
- choosing myself, knowing I matter; remembering that It’s My Life.
- recognizing what is true and important for me; saying YES and NO;
- asking/demanding/seeking/dreaming for BIG - not for small and puny, not for what would be just easily manageable and bare bones acceptable; it’s mine to choose; it’s my choice;
- living it, doing it, not just thinking about it nor only blogging about it;
- trusting myself, even if I don’t have clue what ‘doing it differently’ or change might actually be/entail; trusting that as I enter the unknown, the path/way will become visible/clear – until it changes as a result of where I’ve just gone and I continue the exploration further – again and again.

And I’m sure I’ll be adding to the list.
For now, I’m going to go forward doing c - as a combination of courage, choices, curiosity – and allowing. (Does anyone have a c-word for that?). And x is anything and everything I want it to be. And it doesn't have to be difficult; even the math is easy.

And right now, x means going for a post-snowstorm walk - the sun has come out, the air will be wonderful; I feel like it – and who knows where I’ll go. But if I don’t get off this sofa and go now - that could be the c in this equation, it’ll be another day inside for me (or y) not x. it's that simple. It's c, see?

Feedback - and thoughts about Mishmash as a Process

2008-03-03T10:10:00.007-05:00

When I sat down to write "Feedback" for Louise yesterday, the piece below rolled off my fingertips. As I read it now, it seems pretty 'formal' and stilted as it started out - as if it was me writing in a way/style that was expected of me - after all, it's Feedback - hence there are rules (in my old world, at least) and I slipped right into producing what's expected of me! Except that as the piece progressed, the style and tone show that I seemed to relax into it - slightly, and it became a bit more spontaneous - inspite of still keeping the project-at-hand in mind. Is that a metaphor for how I move through my world, these days? Probably. So the result, as I read it this morning, seems to me to be a mishmash of feedback/sales pitch for potential entrepreneurial women retreat-goers, a declaration - as much for the benefit of readers as for me to hear myself decloak another time, and, by now, also a post for my blogsite. And mishmash is also a pretty accurate metaphor for my confused, enthusiastic, exploring and 'allowing myself' modus vivendi these days. All good! No complaints! Yippeeee!

Leading up to the Emerging Futures:Entrepreneurial Women retreat, I wondered what the 4 days would bring, feeling certain that it would be big, and good, and important; I was ‘open’ to whatever the experience might be for me. It’s not the first program that I’ve attended, and I’m very familiar with the body of knowledge that is the basis for the discussions; and each time I register, it’s with anticipation of personal, discovery and growth, and expecting at least to leave with a rekindled sense of myself, of wonderment, joy and gratitude. After this retreat, I felt all of those AND renewed confidence in myself as entrepreneurial woman, and more certain of the unlimited possibilities for me that lie in the Emerging Future ‘process’.

Different from the other women who attended this retreat because I’m not ‘an entrepreneur’ with a business of my own, I felt I was in the right place nonetheless, knowing that I’m an entrepreneurial woman: innovative, creative; strong; willing to think outside the box; taking responsibility for the choices I make. In all of the discussions, I was interested, challenged, stimulated, engaged; and often moved to tears or gasps of aha, yes! or bursts of no more of that for me, that’s sure! The ‘that’ was usually a pattern of thought, a habituated response, or a limiting belief that still lingers from my past. In the group I felt totally included, unselfconscious, safe, and willing to express an unedited version of whatever came into my mind.

My biggest ‘take home’ is easy to describe for those familiar with the Wel-Systems perspective: I know now that I stand firmly in space of the Wel-System paradigm. I now know in my body and not just through my intellect that WHO I am is energy and WHAT I am is a quantum biological device, and that my Emerging Future lies in allowing the connection from the universal field to enter and flow through my body, so that I am an expression in this world of that signal. For readers unfamiliar with what this seemingly wild-and-wooly stuff means, read the book(s)! It’s not so weird, in fact; it’s science. (Louise Lebrun’s Fully Alive would be a starting point.) This retreat was a breakthough for me in that, over the last few years, I learned about this worldview, accepted the science and concepts, but had not felt myself fully living within, or from, the new paradigm. During the EF:EW retreat, I recognized that I fully embrace this new worldview now, in body and in mind. It has been a huge step for me, I realize now as I look back, and I obviously needed some time to move from my previous, well-entrenched and commonly accepted perspective. And the time was right for me, last week, to become aware just how far I’ve traveled, and where I now stand. And over the four days, with the support of five other wonderful women, it was a perfect opportunity to move ‘forward’ from this new place, exploring what might emerge as I see the world from a different perspective. Understatement: It was pretty amazing.

Now, one week later, I am both very aware of the immense leap I have taken and very excited about what lies ahead. Until now, I had only disclosed small parts of my changing beliefs and my ‘journey’ to others. Trying to explain more specifically where I now stand to my family, in particular, has been challenging, especially as an ‘Emerging Future’ includes/requires that I do not/can not know what is ahead for me and that I allow my body – not my intellect, to lead me. These are not easy concepts for others to accept; even if the intensity of my declaration that this is how I want to live is tangible, this approach, as a way of living, sounds awfully unstructured and open-ended – because it is. And frankly, I am still learning how to live this way. It requires that I stay awake to the lure of living from my head, and that I avoid falling into the well-honed ‘routine’ of basing decisions and actions on past experiences. and habits. I am learning to ‘be led’ by my intuition, to do what feels right to me, not what is/has been expected of me. It entails choosing, constantly; when I don’t, I notice soon enough that I have defaulted back into habituated responses that no longer are appropriate for the job at hand: living my life fully, engaging the entrepreneurial woman in me for a more enlivened, inspiring and enriched life; one that, with my energetic expression, touches others and allows them to feel/know their own spirit more intensely.

When there’s another EF:EW retreat, I’m likely to sign up for it; the experience of getting together in a small group with other Wel-Systems women for deep, broad, lively and wonderful conversations is one I will seek out often. Learning from each other and exploring with each other is an accelerated way to experience the magnificence of this world - and of myself. Goodness! if I still stood in my ‘old’ worldview, I’d never have written those last three words. As I said earlier, in my ‘Emerging Future’ journey, I don’t know what’s ahead . . . and the 60yearold godforce/spirit that I am obviously has many surprises up my sleeve for me; I just have to let me do my magic!

Choosing

2008-03-01T15:59:00.011-05:00

I sat down thinking !blog! and now I don’t know what to write. All week, since returning from an amazing four days in an Entrepreneurial Women:Emerging Futures retreat, blog-bits have come to mind, but those insights/whirrings/thoughts are somewhere deep in my cells now, not on the tip of my tongue or fingertips. I know the EW:EF experience is still settling in me; my body is telling me that with various muscular and nervous sensations, waves of tears, and often sudden moments of fuzziness/fatigue or almost scary aliveness. I feel I am in a different space now, very different from even last week just before the retreat, and as wonderful as that is, it’s taking some getting used to. Getting used to not getting used to anything as my life’s in constant flow; getting used to being in control of not being in control of anything - except my willingness and ability to choose where/how to put my left foot down once the right instep has started to lift up off the ground. And then to choose again as the lay of the land changes from my new position.
Apropos choice, “if I had to choose one” . . . the paradigm discussions were the best part of the week for me. The enormity of waking up to how enormous the new umbrella of the Wel-Systems paradigm that I’m standing under is, was . . . . words to describe it fail me.* I already knew that I’d crossed the dotted line to the ‘new’ worldview before last week’s discussions, but now I’m more aware of just what a massive shift that means for me. I was kidding myself about the leap, hoping, I suppose, it was smaller and therefore ‘safer’ – both for me and those around me who might not be tempted/willing to leap with me. The more I understand it, and look back to ‘where I was’, the implications of not-leaping seem clearer too. It was A Choice and it took courage – I realize with hindsight.
Actually, maybe I’m missing the point here. Maybe the courageous choice wasn’t to leap, maybe it was to give myself permission to leap. I don’t think I knew I was choosing a new paradigm, I think I was letting myself be open to new information and to see where that led me. And with a few ups and downs in the ‘giving myself permission department’ I’ll admit, and a whole lot of reading because I was fascinated and increasingly convinced by the science and the implications, this new worldview started to feel right. And voilà, when I look back, I see that I’ve leapt!
Now, the terrain on this new side emerges before me, under me, with me. It’s a funny feeling, and I’m getting used to not being used to it, and realizing that as long as I welcome the movement and the fluidity, I’ll be on solid footing in an emerging futures world. Confusing eh? Alive, eh? Big, eh?
• For a really alive and great description of the retreat the impact it had on all of us, see Louise’s blog: Instructions for opening your eyes, Feb, 25 at http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com and Birth By Fire, Feb. 25 at http://www.louiselebrun.com/WomenGathering. For more on the Wel-Systems paradigm, see: http://www.WEL-Systems.com.
. . . . . . . . .

That’s what I wrote last night, but didn’t post because I needed to add the links to Louise’s sites and was too tired by then to do the nitty-gritty.

And here it is, a new day with snow falling gently and as always, things look different in daylight. The 60yearoldgodforce that I am today, choosing to . . . stick with the courageous, not knowing, standing in the new paradigm theme.

Marie-Jose shared this image that Louise gave her with me this morning, and it’s been rumbling and tossing in me for the last half hour: ". . . it is so easy for us to get caught up in the habits of thought of others, just allowing ourselves to be drawn along like a leaf in a strong current. It is also as if when the moment comes that we notice that we are not a leaf and are no longer willing to live like a leaf, we are startled to make that discovery. We also struggle as the 'leaves' we love continue to believe themselves to be that leaf, not only choosing to just mosey along but also clamoring for us to get back in the water!"

As the image worked through/within me, I saw this leaf on top of the water, scrambling a bit frantically to swim against the current. And then the fact hit me – WRONG! I’m not a leaf! – and I’d been forgetting that sometimes this week EVEN tho' the EW:EF experience was so recent. After the retreat, I knew so well that I’m a 60yearoldGodforce (read energetic beep if the god part of what I’m calling myself is too much for this go’round); how could I be able to forget that so easily? I am, because forgetting it can be so comfy, because when I'm 'just me' I return to familiar terrain, and it's seemingly 'safe', it's a habit. So, much as the strong pulls I’ve been feeling at home, inviting me to revisit and enjoy my past have been very unwelcome, difficult to withstand, and cause for lots of heated moments of discussion, I know they are giving me a chance to recognize again WHO and WHAT I am now, and where I stand in the new paradigm; they give me another chance to state this out loud and to insist out loud that delving into memories and letters/artifacts collected over that last fifty years is neither useful nor does it feel good in my body. And yet, having stated that, nonetheless 'old' feelings of guilt and disloyalty and the uncomfortable position for me of being the person who's not doing what's requested of me surge up in me. Mostly, they are quickly sideswiped again by a 'knowing' that these are habituated 'old' culturally conditioned thoughts and are not relevant or useful for me, now, but not before they've wreaked some havoc to my wellbeing. At the risk of sounding repetitious:, this post-retreat week has been a topsyturvy time - with many opportunities to choose to stand in the new paradigm.

My husband has been bearing the torch as the person who’s very keen to look through old letters and revisit old memories this week, and he’s been bearing the brunt of my rejection of this activity/exploration. I haven’t always found the words (or tone) to explain my stance well, and he’s been searching to understand – in a way, just like the leafy image clamouring for (me) to get back into the water. This noon, not knowing any more where to turn as he sensed my intention to stay in my body and not to ‘work it through’ with him intellectually any longer, he reread Louise’s ‘profile’ piece about Emerging Futures,; that helped him a lot. (http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com) Thanks Louise, for stating so clearly what is so difficult to describe and for capturing the ‘problem’ about just that: it IS unclear, undefined and emerging and especially because of letting go of looking to the past – for patterns, habits and for explanations. We’re all helped by what you write.

. . . .

So here I am, meandering more gently now this afternoon, not floating as a leaf in the current, and still thinking about today's various images and metaphors. It’s still snowing outside and I’ve been writing this in bits and pieces over the last hours – the blog’s been emerging as my day has been emerging. This morning seems a long time ago, the leafy state I was letting myself return to feels ‘gone’, the hefty-feeling discussions at lunch seemed to have been just what I/we needed, and what is right now . . . is me, a 60yearoldgodforce writing about what’s been moving inside me today. I’ll be able to see where standing in the present is taking me as it happens, not before by planning it, and not afterwards by revisiting it, but by letting it emerge. Living this way still feels pretty unfamiliar, certainly unclear, and wide open and excellent in THIS moment.
I've managed to write myself 'full circle'! I started out last evening feeling confused, courageous, and pretty good, and here I am again! Will I get used to this? I get to choose, that's sure.

Today's path. Seeing.

2008-02-06T15:30:00.000-05:00

A different path, today, and some of yesterday's metaphors are still alive and well: protective guards and boundaries, an openended way ahead, important (for the picture) shadows.
What strikes me in this photo is that the boundary (railing on the right), while seemingly solid and straightforward, when it's reflected on the pathway, seems flexible and malleable, and how it shows up the paths' undulating levels. The path, without those shadows, from my perspective holding the camera that day, seemed pretty flat and steady until I woke up and realised how differentiated and interesting the surface really was/is.
When I took the photo - with some excitement, I'll admit, those visual effects were all I was noticing. Not the fact that I was including some space on the other side of the railing in my composition; not the really rigid wall-of-guardrail on the left that tolerates no wavering or alternatives; certainly not the metaphors I'm playing with now. I find it wonderful to notice now as I really look at my photo, that even the London cityscape designers saw the importance of 'my path' and highlighted it in different brickwork to separate it visually from the red-brick laneway; as if they know too that it's 'merely' a case of me putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where that takes me.

This morning, for instance, I found myself sketching - for the first time in my life, out of the blue as it were except that last week I'd bought myself a how-to-draw (for beginners) book. I had noticed last week in my beginners' painting class that I don't know how to really see what I'm looking at (in order to paint it); I don't even know where to start, except slowly and carefully. So in addition to realising that that bit of wisdom was such a fractal of what goes on in my life outside the painting classroom where I have typically seen what I’ve expected to see – and not necessarily seen what’s actually there and happening, I’m resolved to get better at seeing as clearly/accurately/truthfully as possibly – in all aspects of my life. And external assistance seemed like a good place to start as I ‘don’t have all day’ to get the basics of SEEING in order to draw/paint under my belt! Meanwhile I’m more aware of actually seeing, not projecting, what’s going on around me, and for that matter, inside of me. All good, no?
In putting some of the how-to hints into practice, I was intrigued to see an acceptable likeness of my azalea-in-a-pot appear on my page - all because I was paying attention to the important lines, angles and sizes and taking the time to calmly place my pencil on the page and pull it firmly in a direction that seemed to be calling it. It’s fun to learn a new skill, exciting to explore another thing that I didn’t know I didn’t know.
At this point, I still prefer my photos to my “paintings’ such as they are, but that’s unimportant . .. . It’s not a finite game., after all, is it? The possibilities are unlimited as long as I stay on the playing field. And there’s something about actually physically moving the lead, or the paint, across the page – the sound, smell, wetness/dryness, and seeing where that takes the ‘work’ - that is more satisfying for me right now than clicking a metal button attached to a black box with a big black eye followed by sitting in front of a computer screen adjusting the colours by clicking on the keyboard. The once-removed-ness of digital photography just doesn’t cut it right now; I’m exploring getting my fingers dirty and really enjoying the surprises I create, the boundaries I choose, the protective walls I (still) like knowing exist, and of course, the path.

Possible ways of seeing things? Distortions? Myths?

2008-02-05T10:08:00.000-05:00

Instead of zooming down the highway to a friend's funeral in Montreal, I'm HERE looking at the freezing rain fall and wondering about the invitation to NOT go to the funeral (extended by by the weather) i.e. the invitation to consider my shoulds and coulds and to mindfully choose what serves ME. Having agreed with my husband that NOT going was truly an option for us, and makes total sense today, we then started a lengthy discussion about how we'd celebrate (or not) our 40th wedding anniversary and my 60th birthday next November - and lots of the shoulds and coulds attached to that - ranging from losing touch with one's extended family if we don't include them, the anticipated void that could ensue if we didn't keep up contact. Amazing how we create (take?) opportunities for meaningful discussions at surprising moments.
Lots of the focus of the shoulds, ought tos and related fears were about S's beliefs and rules, but I realise that when I'm talking 'with him' it's me talking to myself too. We delved into standing alone without the prop of 'family',, whether our siblings are still part of who we believe ourselves to be or if it's an image of ourself that we're maintaining in order to flesh out a diminished view we have of ourselves. If there's a void when we don't have a family around us.
If/when I start using I instead of WE here . . . The difference in my position from S's on this is that I am realising that I've actually stopped propping myself up with identities of family member, sister or brother. At least MOST of the time (when I stay awake) I'm ME, still friendly with my siblings but as me, not as the sister of P. It's a one-on-one situation iin this position and it's very liberating . . . most of my shoulds have fallen away as a result, the remaining ones I keep as values (respect, empathy, compassion) that I embrace for ME regardless of whether it's my siblings, my friends - or people I don't really know. These values affect how I interact with them and it's my choice to let them guide me. I think the difference is a stronger awareness of ME and of my boundaries, now; in the 'family' situation, and if I'm honest, with friends too, I had lost them and was too willing to mesh with the group or the other (believing it necessary for acceptance, love etc.), In fact, I was losing myself, becoming invisible. As I write, it's clear to me that I'm saying that these are values for me when dealing with others . . . What about me and ME? do I have respect, compassion for myself? Not enough! I can quickly lose myself in reverting back to old shoulds and ought tos; in fact propping myself up with rules.
I know I can 'risk' dropping them, and seeing what emerges . . . when I do it, it works! It's wonderful, liberating, and allows expansion and exploration.
The paradoxes! Such as standing alone and not being alone, stronger boundaries that create bigger spaces: the void after exploding the myth of Family as a prop and realising it was a myth and thus there's no new void; boundaries and edges.

Over the last few days, I've been focussing on and meaning to write down many thoughts that occur when I see this photo I took in London in January.
Until right now, I'd been seeing the path; thinking about 'paths' and going forward and speed and movement and lots more; and the importance of the protective railing in this picture for the picture - and of course the swoops in the stones that change/distort the guardrail; and the importance (for me) of protective guards. And I've been getting really curious about THAT, and about the fact that I just clicked on this shot when I saw it and how amazing my higherSelf is to know that I'd find so much meat on the bones of this image. Today I realise that the photo can also open the door to further musing about boundaries. When are guardrails protecting me from a (perceived) danger, or hemming me in, or allowing me to walk with more certainty as I have more awareness of where I want to be (what my boundaries are)? And I thought I'd been taking numerous photos of pathways (it was out of my awareness that I'd been taking so many on that theme until I review my image library, recently) because I delight in the visual image I see, in the unendingness of the path itself, and in the geometry of the composition, and in the distortion or complications that shadows often create! Was I also inviting myself to see the edges of the paths too, and the clear definition route coupled with the unspecifity of the destination? Good 'work', Lucy! - that just spilled off the fingers of someone (ME) who thinks she doesn't know how to play! In truth, that work I'm patting my back for was actually huge fun and I've just caught in the act of merrily showing myself another one of my myths: that 'playing isn't me'? And I've believed it. This is fodder for another blog, I can feel it.

Time Inbetween

2008-02-01T15:37:00.000-05:00

A momentary lull in my day, and I’m drawn to writing, without any idea what. – As I wrote ‘lull’ I instantly wondered why I don’t consider lots more of my time ‘a lull”. By outward appearances, it must seem to many people that I have loads of lulls in my day/week. Who knows, and who cares.
What’s lull-like for ME in this moment; why is lots of my day not lullish? I think it’s a perception, a sense of enough space, an internal measurement of ‘enough time’, an unspecified moment or event between tasks, actions, events. It has an ‘unallocated’ nature that includes a sense of freedom and luxury for me. And it’s linked to guilt, I’m realizing as I write, because lulls are unproductive of course! And inefficient. And in my culturally conditioned beliefs, ‘wasting time’ is never a good thing. Is that why when I’m about to enter a lull, when I sense there might be short unallocated period of time ahead of me, now that I’m more aware of my body, I notice a sinking at the pit of my stomach, an unpleasant feeling? And quickly decide to DO SOMETHING, whether it’s urgent or not, even necessary or not, to fill that space, to relief the uncomfortable sensation in my body?

Stolen . . . leaps to mind. Lulls, if I let them happen, can also seem like down-time that I've taken illicitly, something that must to be hidden from others, or camouflaged in a cloak of usefulness of some sort. Sort of selfish time, time for myself - o no! time. Oouufff. I wasn't aware of this piece of cumbersome baggage I carry! No wonder I have a hard time goofing-off, luxuriating or playing . . . if I have to hide it, cover it up, pretend. Who's ever enjoyed being stealthily playful? Seems like an oxymoron. I realise now that probably somewhere inside I've been equating playtime with an extended lull.

The word choice just flashed into my mind – Of course! Lulls can be choice points – major or minor, but moments when I can actually mindfully choose where to put my next step – if I don’t just fill them quickly to distract myself from the chance to choose. They can be moments to savour the flavour of my life and to change the direction/flow if the current taste isn’t working for me. I can create lulls, allow lulls to happen; I don’t need to avoid lulls or to shorten the lull-time in between ‘tasks’ or events. I don’t need to kid myself that I’m worthy because I’m efficient, effective, I’m accomplishing something - because I’d learned that doing something is ‘good’ and that time not-getting-something-done is wasted/bad. What a crazy belief! Yes, time is precious, yes MY time as me on this planet will run out AND yes I can spend it in ways that I choose to, that serve me. I can even play. I can waste it if that’s what others call what I’m doing (i.e. not doing). I won’t feel uncomfortable/naughty anymore. I'm hoping this isn't just a 'resolution' in my head i.e. I hope this is moving through my cells as I write - something is! Another layer of the guilt vs. luxuriate/enjoy millefeuille that I am?
This lull has served me . . . I’ve learned a bit more about my limiting beliefs. It’s been a Good Lull. I’m going to bring ‘em on and indulge! Notice lulls and play with them, see them for what they are, not for what I’ve believed for so long that they represent and say about me.

Today. Swirling, twirling.

2008-01-29T13:07:00.000-05:00

Urgency and restlessness, and/yet knowing I’m in the right spot and I can trust myself here – it’s MY LIFE right now, these days. Part of me is comfortable with this, or at least with the not knowing side of the urgency and restlessness; yet part of me thinks back fondly of a mellow, a thinking-I-knew and a not-restless state, because it was easy. But I’m fully aware that it was also boring and that I don’t want to go back there. So I’ll stick with the agitation, and continue to breathe often and deeply, and welcome the tears, and just see what evolves from within me. I’m watching out for evasive distractions which don’t serve me that I am all to good at creating for myself, and I’m listening to the impulses that draw me towards something. I know/trust that something(s) ‘more’ will emerge from this, and I’ll take it from there. Stay awake! and choose mindfully! are actively in my awareness right now; it’s not been my habitual mode of engaging, and I’m finding it interesting, sometimes - no, often challenging. Let go! Is also something I remind myself each day; I often find myself hanging on, even though I don’t want to. I’ve been saying this for a while now, yet it thrills me each time I repeat it: It’s MY Life, and I’m not going to ignore or forget that any more.
Hence the urgency and restlessness, I guess!

Friendship ‘n Facebook

2008-01-22T18:20:00.000-05:00

It seems yesterday’s blog was a good beginning of my exploration of what Friendship means for me. I woke up with ‘information’ rumbling in my 2nd and 3rd chakra and I’m pretty sure it was a result of my pondering last evening. And it continues.
Today I realize I’m really annoyed by Facebook – asking other people to be friends, asking my permission to be included in someone else’s site, feeling wimpy when I don’t fill in all the areas where the site-designers would love me to provide information. I’m not sure what the issue is for ME but it’s more than just not being with it, or feeling too introverted for Facebook’s kind of fun and not really being excited by it’s info-sharing and friend-sharing opportunities. There’s something about the exposure, the structure, the in-my-faceness of it and the connection to my perception of My Friends that’s not mixing well for me.
I joined because I wanted to be able to access Louise’s Facebook sites, and it’s only now that I realize there’s information brewing out of that registration and creation of my account with Fbk and posting my photo etc etc. concoction that I’m getting curious about. I know I can just pull out, I can hide my face so to speak, but I’d rather see where unsettled feeling is leading me. Does my agitation have to do with Facebook at all? Am I still rumbling with the friendship question? Others as reflections of me and trusting myself, and others? Sharing, intimacy? Right now, I’m guessing I won’t write about any insights I gain on Facebook, but who knows.

Rumbling and tumbling with Friendship

2008-01-21T23:12:00.000-05:00

A friend suggested I go inside myself and expore what friendship means for me. These are my scratchings, syntax-free and absolutely as they came off my fingertips. If I were to consider/judge what I've written and edit, try to make it more readable, less confusing, I'd probably chuck the whole thing - and stay silent. It’s been an interesting evening for me. I feel way better now as I push the ‘publish’ button than I did when I started this – it’s been ‘useful’ to recognise my OLD beliefs, values and attitudes (bva’s) that still drive my bus far too often/much. See them pop out on the page. Old fears. Old habits. Even though I KNOW it's a quantum/holographic universe, I still fall into old well-worn pattern(s) of thought; hopefully not for much longer. They're getting in my way.

What’s friendship for ME?
A nominalization: for the energy flowing between two people which connects them with a warm, trusting, accepting, stimulating and supporting bond. No room for power or force, no victim/victor; it’s voluntary, and mutual; it’s open-ended. In friendship, there is possibility for any/every emotion to surface. Friendships can last a lifetime, or be of whatever length of time that the energy is maintained. Friendships can ebb and flow. Friendships can change in intensity.
It’s a continuum with acquaintance/casual friend at one end and really good, close friend at the other. The difference? Degrees of acceptance and intimacy. Areas of mutual interest and similar outlook and perceptions of the world are often present, more so with ‘good friends’; friendship between me and people with quite different bva’s and ways of living? – not so deep/close, but there is still a bond/attraction/energetic connection.
Love? Exists towards the ‘good friend’ end of the continuum, before that there is merely interest and curiosity and resonance, and increasingly along the continuum: affection and a sense of closeness, stronger energetic ‘sparks’.
Requirements: respect, acceptance, openness, truthfulness, trust.

Am I my own friend?

Starting again. Where am I, inside, on this – all those lines/thoughts seem too ‘from my head’. Go inside! It's a feeling in my 4th. Not a good feeling there, norin my 2nd. So what are my bva’s re friendships right now? – true, meaningful friendships are fragile, not to be taken for granted, can ‘be misused’ if I impose demands - or vice versa; can ‘die’ if either partner in the f’ship breaks trust, betrays, is untruthful.
I feel friendships are precious goods, not to be squandered or harmed. Why? Without them my life would lose much of it’s shine. Is this true? am I just saying this? Why are friendships valuable? Compared to lots of people, I have few real friends, I can count them on my fingers (and toes, maybe) - but boy, do I ever value those friends. I LIKE/LOVE them. Do I NEED them?
Friends are reflections of some part of myself – I need them to see/hear/sense myself. Is that it?
On my own, I’m scared of – what? Not being able to ‘find’ myself, my edges, my depth? Not being able to keep myself interested – in my life?
If I had no friends . . . I’d find friends. Is this true? or would I go into a deep mode of feeling sorry for myself etc. and self-loathing etc. Why do my friends like me? stay 'with' me? what'd it be like without them? Certainly there's a part of me that fears losing them.

Standing alone – yes, I do, I can. So where do friends come into it? To play with, to reflect off of, to exchange with, to give and take with, to laugh and cry with. Even while I stand alone, and he/she stands alone. And yet we can be together too. Hmmmm.

Luxuriating in a friendship, trusting it; a possibility for me? Or am I always worrying that it’s fragile and a scarce commodity. Is it the friendship that’s vulnerable, or me and my sense of self-worth that's vulnerable? NO wonder I am fearful, can't let down my guard. Don't relax and fully enjoy.

To love someone else I have to love myself. To be a friend with someone, I have to be able to be my own friend. I know this; heard it often enough.

In a Quantum Universe, it’s not so complicated, not so scary.
He/she is a part of me, it's a holograph, I am him/her. So when my friends are me – how come I consider friendship to be such a fragile thing . . . ? something to guard and protect?
It’s because I’m ‘forgetting that it’s a quantum/holographic universe; I’m standing in a scarcity/danger position. I’m not trusting myself, and I’m underestimating the other’s ability to be ok, set their boundaries, fend for themselves – cuz they’re me and I underestimate myself. I'm fearful of imposing, of abusing the gift of friendship. Ultimately, I'm not sure I deserve it. I'm keeping myself small by keeping myself victim to these fears.
If/when I remember what I am and I stand in my own power, then my friends stand in theirs, and everything about Friendship changes for me. And the friendship can just be what it is, I don't have to guard, protect (control?!) or be fearful of it; it will develop and deepen, or not . . . not dangerously, just however it does. There is abundance in this world and a friendship is a safe ‘place’ – until it isn’t a friendship any more because for some reason the connection breaks/fizzles/disappears. The friendship/relationship ends; and I DON"T.

YuuuuHuuuu

2008-01-20T21:56:00.000-05:00

I’ve been back in Ottawa for almost 2 weeks – why haven’t I written here yet?
And why did I gravitate to the laptop now instead of grabbing my book, as I thought I would when I dried my hands and left the kitchen with a cup of tea? I’ve too many thoughts rumbling around, and no idea where to start writing. Part of ‘not writing yet’ has to do with a belief that before I can blog I have to have my thoughts clear and figured out, so they’ll look good in print. Anything else is journaling, talking out loud, rambling – and somewhere in me is a belief that I shouldn’t do that in public. After all, I might be boring the reader, or expose the mundaneness of my thought patterns – or both, and more.

If I stick with this belief-ridden conversation for a moment and don’t just brush it off because it’s getting uncomfortable, I see in what I’ve just written that I’m assuming that there will be judgemental readers with no self-preservation skills (is it my job to save her/him from boredom?); and that I have expectations of my ‘writing’ –that it should meet a standard; only then will I consider it worthy of being posted on the blogsite. What does this say about me? Lots. I’m reminding myself of my life-long effort to appear ‘smart’ or at least ‘interesting’ and of the corollary, my dislike of feeling stupid. I see my presupposition that others will be judging me (not just reading me with an open mind and heart) and its corollary: my desire to be accepted, included, not rejected.

I guess THIS is why I was drawn to blogging tonight – I guess I wanted to remind myself of aspects that are a part of me, habits and thought patterns that I developed because they were intelligent for me. And to make me aware again that these are not serving me any more, that they are keeping me small and silent, and goddammit, remind me that I actually KNOW that that’s not who/what I’m going to be any more. But old thought patterns come alive again when/if I’m not paying attention.

So, moving on from that, what leaps to mind to write about now is the image from one of the discussions that came up at Sheila’s group yesterday: Women in Powerful Conversations. In it, I am peeking out from behind a wall. What I see now, after the session yesterday, is that while I know much more clearly what I do NOT want to do, believe, fear, think any more, it’s only a first step and yet I’ve been hiding behind it, not moving forward and exploring all, or even just some of the possibilities that I’m gradually starting to realize that I DO want to create in my life.
As I write, I realize I’m again falling into my own trap of being hard on myself. In fact I HAVE made some big steps toward creating something more meaningful for me; I’m often amazed, astounded, thrilled and proud of the changes around me and in me. And I know I am not only the person playing hide and seek with myself, I am also an explorer – albeit a cautious and confused one. An explorer in hiding – now there’s an oxymoron!

The image of ‘hiding behind what I know I don’t want’ resonated with me for a good reason yesterday, I am sure, and I’m going to stay with some of the questions it raises for a while and see how powerful they might be. Actually, it’s not the questions that will be potent, it’s the feeling I have now in my body that speaks of fire and curiosity and movement. I’ve been hiding because I want to know what’s around the corner before venturing forth. It’s not a new awareness, this knowing that I ‘need to know’, but by creating opportunities to repeat it to myself often, and again here, I’m getting closer to actually accepting ‘not knowing’. It’s becoming increasingly clear (and the intensity in my body right now makes me realize I’m on to something relevant for me here!) that I will not, and cannot know what’s around the corner until I go there. Peeking isn’t enough, it doesn’t get me there. And there’s nobody stopping me from emerging into the open but myself; that’s clear too.
I’ll stay with my fire, curiosity and movement, enjoy them, and see where they take me.

Where to start, six weeks later? Here.

2007-12-11T00:07:00.000-05:00

Friday, December 7, 2007

It’s been a wonderful week at Oceanstone; and Louise’s blog on Dec. 6 (http://www.louiselebrun.blogspot.com) captures the intensity and the scope of the discussions we’ve had during the Whispers from Within writing retreat (http://www.wel-systems.com/programs/WR.htm ). In fact, none in the group has written extensively – but that’s not the point; writing was to be a tool to elicit and shape unformulated thoughts and give them expression and voice. New, hidden or untapped thoughts have gurgled and hissed, popped and splashed into the program room even without the help of pens and paper and the impact of the week has been huge for me. I can’t articulate more about it now – it’s all too fresh, too big and too wide to have clarity, and adequate words are escaping me.

Since my last blog a great deal of time has past, and a huge shift in my self-awareness now starts to feel ‘normal’ and no longer revolutionary and destabilizing. My new footing began to take hold during my two weeks in Portugal when I was with Gwen McCauley on a painting program she aptly labeled “Feeding the Muse’ (http://www.ouicoach.com/wor_creativity.html) And the momentum of the shift in my awareness and awakeness has accelerated for me this week. The ‘space’ I’m in now feels more intense and vibrant; I feel stronger and far more ‘at cause’ than I can ever remember – even if I allow for the ‘halo effect’ of a freshly completed experience. I feel enlivened and exhilarated and it’s a wonderful way to end a long week.

I don’t think a summary of my ‘journey’ over the last month is possible – how could I get it all together, let alone briefly? Maybe it’s ‘more useful’ for me to declare where I am today: to state that my life feels immensely different because I now know for certain that I matter in my life, that MY choices are defining my life, and that this important and empowering knowledge is now in my body, not just me ‘head’ and that it’s making a huge difference to everything I think, say and do. I am aware today that I will make choices now from a different base: with consideration of what holds meaning for me and allows me to be truthful to myself, and my guiding ‘principle’ is ME, MY intentions, MY hopes and dreams, my inspiration(s). It sounds very self –ish, doesn’t it! And it is; other people who’ve ‘enjoyed’ my kind of upbringing will be wringing their hand in dismay (or wailing and gnashing their teeth) because I’m breaking out into thoroughly forbidden territory: I’m putting me/myself/moi at the centre of my life and I’m going to be living knowing that every moment counts, every choice, every step I take. Matters to me, and matters to the universe because my energetic expression is part of all that’s around us. A tiny part of all that is, I’ll admit, but not insignificant!

I’ll head home on Sunday, and I’m keen to see how this new ME I’ve described moves through my ‘real’ world, my daily life – away from the immense safety of the program room and familiar, fellow Whisperers. I will pay attention to how it feels inside, and how changes occur when I stay true to myself, go for/choose ‘impact over nice’ – to use Louise’s words from her blog. By choosing actions and activities that hold meaning for me, and by surrounding myself and/or discovering people who, to quote Louise again, “are massive in their potential, strong in voice and shameless in their willingness to wrap their hands around what they want and engage”, I am aware that my life will be very different. That thought used to frighten me; now it’s an invitation to discover, experience and enjoy.
So stay tuned: Over the longer term because my ‘hopes and dreams and inspirations’ that I alluded to (above) intrigue and excite me; and right now, I have NO shape or form to give to them. In the more immediate future, I’m going to learn how to include photos on this blog. There are several shots from last month in Portugal that I want to share because they are an expression of me, of shapes and scenes that excited me that I captured in colour instead of words. So it’s tempting to include them here. After all: I’m here, blogging, expressing myself out loud in any way that works. Works for ME, that is!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Three days since writing the piece above, the wonderful Ideas Festival (http://anneberube.blogspot.com/2007/10/ideas-festival.html) is still flashing up in my mind with scenes, sounds, conversations, thoughts and people that I hope will stay alive and vibrant in me, and the first day back home is under my belt. I have found myself reacting to people and situations differently and sense that I am living from a ‘new’ space within me today. I can’t describe it, but what I wrote on Friday gives an idea of what I’m experiencing; I noticed myself taking a self-ish approach to choosing, to answering, to deciding, to suggesting. It’s MY life! popped to mind frequently, like a tune that I can’t stop humming – only this one doesn’t drive me crazy. Quite the opposite.

Yet – the paradox is striking – while I’m focused on being selfish and practicing the art of ‘checking in with myself’ for guidance (and not basing my choices on the expectations or opinions of others – to state this in clearer terms, just in case!) I’m simultaneously aware of how I am more appreciative and aware, more loving of others around me. It’s a fairly recent development, and I’ll be honest, and I don’t find everybody loveable, not yet, at least! So much of my life I have been fearful of others. My perception/attitude was !watch out or I’ll get hurt! – clearly a severely limiting belief. I am learning to see ‘people’ more clearly as unique and wonderful, as reflections of me in some ways, and I sense a connection in a larger sense: others aren’t forces to contend with but they are godforces to grow with. It’s as if, by seeing myself more clearly, by accepting/valuing myself and allowing myself to make MY choices, I am simultaneously creating a more welcoming/trusting space on MY holodeck and others have more room to play. It’s the abundance-safety discussion from another angle; and probably there will be many more angles of it for me to wake up to. Thankfully I am actively, rapidly moving away from my previously firmly held position at the danger/scarcity end of the continuum.

Over the Festival Weekend, I was surrounded by hugely alive, appealing and interesting people, both the participants and the presenters, each with an amazing ability and willingness to let me see them. I surprised myself when I realized the extent of the love and caring I felt for this group; tears flowed – wonderment about my depth of feeling.

The penny dropped last night that while much of my attraction to the festival presenters was their openness, it was also hugely influenced by my admiration for them: they had all created something visible/audible/tangible; they had come bearing gifts that they had created from within themselves that expressed who they are. And I had come empty-handed. A third chakra “NO MORE” welled up inside me at this realization. Watching others with admiration as they express themselves, feeling ok about myself by piggy-backing on others’ creativity and imagination is not working; it is NOT enough for me any more. The time has come for me to really hear those truthful roars that come from deep inside me and act on them. I know that now.

New Dance Tune(s)

2007-10-21T14:37:00.000-04:00

Are YOU wondering how my self-initiated, giving myself permission to play is going? Well, two weeks later and I’m starting to wonder too.
The ‘facts: I spent one day-and-a-half ‘painting’, and I enjoyed the process a lot. I was focused and calm and ‘into it’; the results are not overwhelming and that’s ok. I look at them and remember the enjoyment I had in creating the colours and shapes. Besides that I have had some spurts of journaling or blogging and I shot a few photos.
The 'concerns': I’ve found numerous reasons to not play, or to half-play and I’m wondering what’s up. For instance I’ve just come back from a 3-hour photography course – interesting, fun, and certainly a form of procrastination if ‘results’ are part of this. And/but if growing and learning are part of playing, then of course, this falls within the project’s guidelines so I can pat myself on the back. Is that the point? And anyway, then what?

Lots of questions buzz within me. Do I feel guilty? What’s playing anyway? Did I give myself permission to do what I want to do, to do it consciously, or was ‘the project’ to actually sit down and paint/write/shoot photos? Is it that I have nothing to show for my two weeks of allowed-to-play-to-my-heart’s-content that is in my awareness (worries me is too strong a term) or is it that it didn’t feel like work? or what? And what good would it do if I could answer all of these? None.
I basically KNOW that I should just let go of all these perceived dilemmas, and that ALL of this mind-teasing, question posing game is another form of hiding, avoiding exploring deeper within myself; it’s a form of teasing myself. I’m only thinking about living when I do this.
Am I really into self-torture and slow, slow incremental change? Why did I create this little project BOX for myself? To give myself something to squeeze myself into (again!)? Even tho I purposely left most issues open-ended, the fact that I drew up 'a project' in the first place means I've set a framework for me to stay within. Is that useful? NO. Possibly it felt safe. And that's not useful in the long run either. I've done safe. But I seem to still search for it, when/if I'm not awake. Safe lures me back into my coma. Or maybe it's my coma that draws me back to searching for safe. Yet I know that safe isn't safe for me; I've had it with safe - intellectually at least; maybe my body is still growing into this awareness?

At times in the last two weeks, I did give myself full permission to let my body lead me . . . with the result that last weekend I dissolved into movements and waves. And other days I was anally organizational (sorting my winter clothes; buying a practical container for my paints and brushes so that setting up to paint is much easier now). All useful, but I was putting off actually ‘playing’ fully, creatively, whole-heartedly. And then there’s the day or two where I saw friends over coffee, or time spent pondering on the phone. Was I mindfully living and letting energy flow, or were these 'wasting time' or old habituated actions (safe ones) that I reverted back into because I’m scared of focusing myself to actually attempt to create something that’s meaningful to me, of stepping into the void?
Or are these also forms of explorations and growth, of inviting whispers from my silent places to gain their voice, and of 'letting things unfold' without a plan-of-action to refer to? And am I just falling back into my well-honed talent of beating up on myself, making things more complicated than they need be – in fact: tripping over myself?
And I think I know that THIS answer is a big yes!

And as it happens, the theme of be gentle, ease up, have some compassion with myself! has come up so often in various ways this week it’s now almost a throbbing in my head. When it first came to my awareness I dissolved into tears and movement, there was such a strong resonance. Now, it feel more like a helpful reminder, a welcome nudge – albeit a strong one. And it’s got some rhythm.
Anita’s blog today mentions it in terms of The Overachiever. Her blog reminds me that a healthy dose of humour would be helpful too – in fact, I realize, there’s lots of resonance here for me - and not just for the ‘achievement’ issue! I’ll let lighten up! throb alongside the ease up! message this coming week . . . the tune will be quite catchy and - if I let it, it'll stick with me and set a lighter tone for ME 'n MySelf to dance to - all signals bopping brightly.

No answers; new story

2007-10-19T15:17:00.000-04:00

I've been following Louise’s blogs this week with even more interest than usual (Is that possible!?) - remembering my week in June, wishing I were in Oceanstone again now AND knowing I'm also glad to be here and just living their “Leadership Redefined” week vicariously. I also feel that 'leadership' is the wrong word; Louise has been ‘battling’ this problem for a long time – surely we can solve this. And 'awakeLivingness' just doesn't have the right ring, does it!

So many of Louise's blog-sentences leapt off my screen at me, as reflections of what I experienced then and of what I've been pondering (again) this week - as if I had been in the program room again. And with that comes the welcome realisation that I AM moving forward and not merely repeating things, albeit confusedly. Most of the time, recently, I can say that I HAVE moved into a/the leadership position. (An aside: what’s missing is any idea of where my leadership might lead. I ‘know’ that this shouldn’t worry me, but it’s a leap as I used to Need To Know and there’s still some of that in my body, for sure.) I am very aware of huge changes in my bva’s and thoughts about me and my place in this world as a piece of the puzzle. And as a result how I move/act has changed which makes me 'look' tough/hard and impatient at times, and just disinterested at other times - because that's what I am! I’m sometimes put off by the tough/hard me; I too had accepted myself as sweet ‘n smiling because I’d successfully hidden my tough (strong? honest?) side from myself). I'm more familiar with the disinterested/impatient me; I’d known full well that there is that side of me, and that I’d tried to hide it from others. And I sense that my husband's not so keen on any of these traits and feels either regretful, left out and/or defensive, so this sentence of Louise’s rings very relevant today even though I’m not sure where it takes me:
"Before we can find its meaningful expression, we must redefine leadership so that we can live it in ways that do not destroy us and the people we love."

I’m noticing that 'standing alone' - a huge factor in what we’re calling reclaimed leadership, is a lot easier. In fact, standing alone has stated to feel 'normal' and especially when I AM on my own. . . it's the connecting to the 'old' others that's more difficult right now. Especially when I don't have much to show others about who I am becoming (except the impatient toughy). It's as if my (new) less judgemental position, the more letting go- inviting - and - allowing - me doesn't register on their screens - they just see old 'smiling, sweet Lucy' still, I guess! I read this last sentence and I realize now it’s up to me to expose ‘new’ me better so that there’s no doubt, no confusion, about what “others’ see. And as OTHERS are my creations, others are reflections of me etc etc. maybe it’s all about ME not clearly seeing (or believing in?) the ME that I’m becoming? Hmmmm.

Back to what I was going to say, before that holographic universe penny dropped: A huge breakthrough last weekend was when I became aware of how much FEAR of others, and fear of life, in fact of myself was COEXISTING with my love of people, of life and yes, even of myself - and how crazy making this cohabitation is; these are irreconcilable room-mates. It hit me that this is one mighty big mama that is not allowing me to really step into full five-star leadership. And in a flash I knew I could/would rewrite THE STORY of those fears i.e. reclaim a life without those androgenous-baby-fears. Turn the page, start a new story . . . and now, since I recovered from the physical stuff that moved in and through my body, it's been a new, great week.
Maybe by breaking my foot in June, and with my fractured elbow last month, I was trying to point out to myself the double/split life I was leading; that the retardant, fearful me and the awake, expanding me - two powerful energies, were pulling me apart, were tripping me up, stopping me in my tracks, holding me back. Certainly, since last weekend, by realizing I can start a new story, I feel whole-er, and less torn in two. And I think my healing bones ache less too.

Those old fears could, I suppose, try to come back to haunt me. I will really try to remember that I’m NOT writing a ghost story this time ‘round.
In this current story so far, I’ve been frequently impatient, openly disinterested, and quick to say no even when yes would have been nicer and easier. And that’s probably why my story WILL evolve into one of creating/recognising opportunities for myself for growth and nourishment and excitement – who wants to read about impatience and boredom? Not me. And I’m the author (leader?), so I get to choose.

Surprises

2007-10-12T23:53:00.000-04:00

I really really liked my holodeck this evening. I found it stimulating, warm, inclusive and the topic at hand was very relevant. And if it’s a holographic universe etc etc, . . . then I created this! That’s still a hard one to get my head around. I’m going to stick with it, to get curious about all that I can learn from this evening’s experience as I sense it was important and timely.

Although content is unimportant, I will go there – at least to let you know what lit me up and what still glows in me. I was at the AGM of a great non-governmental organization that . . . aaagh, too much content so here’s the url: www.usc-canada.org
I’ve been involved with USC for about 15 years as a (volunteer) board member and supporter so I expected that the room would hold many friends and acquaintances as well as a few others who would be ‘linked’ to me through our shared interest in USC.

What I found was exactly that, and more. Some of my old friends and USC staff members seemed truly glad to see me again (something that still surprises me); some of the unknowns turned out to be interesting, engaged men and women who held my attention and aroused my curiosity (I don’t usually take to random ‘new’ people quickly). Two women who made presentations about smallholder farming issues in Southeast Asia and Wakefield Quebec focusing on food security and women, were especially riveting. I think it is their strong sense of self-worth and their eagerness to share their experiences and ideas and readiness to expose themselves honestly that excites me. They were engaging and inspiring, even though they were just being the way they are: engaged and inspired; no show, no drama, no nervousness. They let me see them; and I saw strong, wise and vibrant women who are making a difference, who make choices, who are enjoying what they do.
I’m aware that, in a holographic universe, they are reflections of part(s) of me – and I’m thrilled and amazed at the same time because it’s not a reflection of me that I see often or that I would instantly recognise. I’m going to start keeping my eyes open – keep myself open, in fact. I’m grateful to these young women for showing me so much. To think that this was MY holodeck!

I’m also aware that I was ‘different’ tonight: more interested in approaching new people, less protective of myself – as if I emerged from behind my shadow. Outwardly I think I presented myself as usual (quiet, smiling and polite) but inwardly I was definitely more aware, more alive. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of BEING aware and alive tonight – and, tee hee: I hadn’t even planned it! Things evolve as they should, eh?

To think that this was MY holodeck! Can I do this every day? How good do I want it?! Because, after all, it IS my holodeck, isn’t it.

Plunging into my void? or stepping into my mini-void?

2007-10-08T17:14:00.000-04:00

I’ve been back from Europe for two weeks now, and feel HERE again at last. I don’t do the transition easily, I’m learning – and especially not when I return with a very swollen, painful left elbow that I hurt when I tripped on the sidewalk in Belgium. Clearly, I’m inviting myself to consider where I’m going, what ground I’m standing on and how safe I am – my elbow is in addition to the swelling and some pain from my foot injury of four months ago which still linger. The timing, locations and nature of my fractures (I had x-rays this week so the doctor can now understand and label it), and the protracted swelling and bruising as well as my resulting limited mobility and flexibility are interesting to ponder; the CODE model certainly has been a useful tool. I have no firm answers and I’m slowly learning to accept that; I rumble and breathe with the wisps of insights I’m gaining as I recover and go forward.
I had a great conversation with Gwen last week, after which my confusion probably increased but so did my determination to ‘stick with the tough questions’ and not let the invitations my body is giving me go unnoticed. What I certainly came away with was a clearer (!?!) awareness that I am creating my world, my own illusion, and many questions that arise about what of my creation is still serving me and which aspects do I want to change. Because I have no idea of what changing what I’ve created i.e. my holodeck might really mean, I peer into a void and it’s pretty daunting (especially for me: I have valued ‘knowing’ and have preferred taking a safe route). What I DO know is that the choice to continue to not explore who I am and to hide and/or silence myself (safe as it WAS) now seems terrible (it’s really not serving me any more, I’m constantly tripping over myself) so the terror of the void becomes a real choice whereas before it was an impossible thought to consider. The void becomes acceptable on good days when I am full of trust in myself, fully aware of mySelf as a force that is guiding me and Not Knowing seems like an opportunity to explore. (I recently had a dream of walking along, it was me as a child, and I was being led by the hand by what was clearly (!?) mySelf; it is a wonderful vision to keep actively in my mind). But there are many days when I get caught up in the boxes and patterns that seem ‘normal’ and when putting one foot in front of the other becomes a mindless, circular path within the known confines of my world, instead of an awake-and-aware path that expands my horizons (albeit in an unknown, a void). And on those days, I sense restlessness, agitation, or lethargy – which I read as warning signals now.
Yesterday, I played with getting more concrete about ‘taking action’ on jumping into a void. A mini-void, maybe, as it seems ‘safe’ in this context (see below). The idea of mini-void makes me giggle at my consistency – my life-long pattern of avoiding risk. Am I now stepping back from taking a really committed transformational plunge , or am I actually plunging and just labeling it in a way so I can stomach the sweeps and lurches?
Certainly I have no idea what entering/plunging into the void will mean for my holodeck, and I also know that it will change lots. At any rate, my cautiously outrageous proposal is giving me a sense of excitement and adventure about next week – and that’s a great start! Because applying for funding and disbursing grant money has been one aspect of my activities (is ‘my activities’ synonymous with ‘my life’? hmmm; I'm observing what I write eh?!) for the last twenty years, it seemed like an appropriate was to frame my declaration to myself – and then allow myself some leeway with the norm. I found myself giggling as I wrote it, and I take that as a message that I might be on to something. New ground, a new footing? Who knows.

PROJECT PROPOSAL:

Title: PERMISSION TO EXPRESS MYSELF

Project Background:
There’s an increasingly strong agitation from within me that hints at a need to say something.
By giving myself full permission to play, to create, to dream and to discover, I will be better able to address my apparent desire to express myself out loud, on paper, and however else seems called for. Until now, I have chosen to postpone or prevent action, but I am aware that my inaction is affecting my health/wellbeing and am now determined to cease creating ‘reasons’ for postponing what I know I want to explore. Until now, I have been fearful of having nothing to say, and/or of not producing ‘work’ that I can stand behind. (This speaks to my fear of meeting my own expectations as well as those of others). And I have considered that spending a lot of time jotting down ‘ideas’ and/or playing with ‘art’ would be a luxury, frivolous, and therefore not on. (This speaks to my need to appear ‘useful’ and ‘contributing’; as well to as my belief that to create a painting, a ‘real’ photograph or to write, one has to be creative, an artist, be artistic etc. etc. And I held the belief that I was none of these.) I now realize how influenced I have been by the opinions of others, and my perceived inadequacies; and that my sense of self was tied to the roles that I’ve taken on and has undermined expressing myself.
There is a feeling of urgency now in my body; I’m hearing a cry from within that tells me I must really focus on exploring and discovering ways to express myself . By mucking about with my camera, my paints, my words and anything else that comes into my awareness, I intend to discover whatever is begging from within me to be expressed, voiced, formed, aired, explored and allow it to expand and develop.

Project Description:
I will allow and encourage myself to play. (‘Play’ will be code for: paint, write, shoot, photoshop, engage with others in meaningful conversations – maybe even cook! and any other ways of expressing something/myself that might evolve as the explorations advance.) I will not create situations for myself that seem ‘more important’ – i.e. reasons that make me think that I can’t allow myself to play. i.e. I will not revert back to the old strategy of ‘dealing with my (perceived) responsibilities and duties’ and thinking that that ok and even correct.
The amount of time I allow myself to play will be left open, and it will be a significant portion of each week. I will not set a timeframe or a daily schedule as I want to stay open to surprises and discoveries about myself, my habits, need to schedules etc. and I give myself permission to change any habits, rules or plans about ‘play time’.

Outcome:
Innumerable photos, paintings and writen pieces. Many fun and stimulating conversations - often with nothing to ‘show’ after but lots to feel and ponder.
Stimulation and challenges, ideas and laughter will nourish me and will be stored in my body. Ultimately, all the feelings I experience within myself as I carry out the project, and the insights I gain about myself and my discoveries and explorations will be the meaningful ‘results’. I will become comfortable giving myself full permission, and ‘creating’ and expressing myself will become extremely playful and more ‘natural’.

At some point, I will choose 10 photos, 10 paintings, 10 written pieces, and 10 surprises (about which I am most curious and eager) that I feel good about and/or that expose ‘stuff’ from inside, and/or are evidence for me that I’m alive and expanding. I don’t know how I’ll ‘package’ them – that’ll be part of the exploration – and I’ll present them to all/any friends who have supported me unconditionally in this project and who are willing to be part of a celebration with me.

Budget:
I give myself full permission to spend money on paint, art materials, paper, frames, and other costs incurred in the process of playing. Because I already have what I need to get started, this question will also be onc of discovery as I go along: how generous can I be with myself? I permit myself to ‘think big’ beyond the current confines of my imagination and not let frugality determine the scope of my play.
Included in the budget is an undetermined amount for a celebration.

Outside Evaluation:
Not appropriate; meaningless.
This project will be amazing because I give myself full permission to make it wonderful and full of wonder, and ‘it will unfold as it should’.

Phase II:
Bigger, even more open-ended.

In transit

2007-09-03T18:42:00.000-04:00

If I consider myself ‘back’ – what does that mean? That I’m home and thus where I really belong? That the cottage is not ‘home’? That on all our trips, I’m more than ‘away’ or ‘outta town’ – that I’m gone?
Yes, it feels excellent to be settling in to the apartment again and it feels like home here. But so does the cottage once I’ve settled in there. And our trips are generally not adventures; we repeat familiar routes to visit family or good friends, albeit spending our nights in hotels and living out of a suitcase. So these trips are rarely exploring new territory; they almost feel like an extension of being at ‘home’ if you take a less literal view of the term. So yes, I’m gone (i.e. I’m not in this principal residence, as the tax office calls it) but I’m not far away either, I take ME along; and I come back different each time. But changing from who I am (who I think I am) in the morning happens every day, every hour of each day no matter where I am.

So what’s my point?

I’m not sure. Maybe that I feel in transition, in more ways than just geographically and that I’m getting curious about the feeling, and I’m looking at my well-trodden paths and the yearly calendar, and what staying in one place for an extended period might feel like, and what I’d miss if I didn’t hop around so much.
Am I being pulled in these directions by some purpose, or am I in a rut, or am I running away from something? What’s it mean to ‘be gone’ ? Is ‘home’ where I am when I’m alive and awake and is the actual location important? Except for the expense and inconvenience of packing up and/or closing down, and the long waiting periods at security, airports and car rentals, why not be me, alive and awake, somewhere else than ‘at home’?

It’s clear to me that the downside of being away is that I don’t get time to bite my teeth into anything (anywhere), and I’m sensing that I find it frustrating – in the abstract at least. But/and I know I’m kidding myself (I’m back on the Am I Being Honest WITH MYSELF!? theme again). I’m aware that I’ve not allowed myself to really focus on the opportunity costs of being away so much in terms of What I’d Do/Be if I stayed here more. I’ve let myself sleep. Maybe that’s my point.

It is and I am an Emerging Future and I’m the one that’s holding myself back. If I’d stop thinking about what I might do (thinking about living) and let my higherSelf connect with my body, it’d be a start! Inviting and allowing, boldly (!) and courageously (!).
It’s also time to Dream, even to Dream Big; to give myself permission to break out of my box(es); to let myself be tempted and to trust mySelf to know when to bite. And to see where it takes me (here at home, or away again?! or both).

I know I’ve been at this point before; and that judging myself for being back at the starting gate again is pointless. I’ll take a deep breath and know that there’s no time like NOW to take off again, afresh!

This ‘what AM I doing!?’ topic seems urgent to me today because we’re flying to Europe at the end of the week to visit family and old friends again. If all goes as planned it’s going to be an easy, familiar trip and I’ll have lots of time to let this conversation rumble inside. Dreaming is unfamiliar territory but I’ll see if I can’t GO THERE while I’m gone. Recently, nobody has stopped me from booking that trip recently – nothing, and nobody except myself.

Yesterday

2007-08-30T19:26:00.000-04:00

Driving yesterday, I listened to Margaret Visser’s CBC Massey Lectures “Beyond Fate’ that had fascinating discussions on time and space that seemed meant for me after my musings the day before. I have had these recorded lectures on my shelf for 2 years – how come I chose to listen to them yesterday?! Syncronicity at work! The rest of the innumerable topics she touches on were mind-stretching too and I was very aware how much I love to have my intellect tickled and nudged. Margaret’s accent made me giggle, it seems so exaggerated and from another time and place (the Commonwealth of my youth, maybe). And her thoughts and thought-processes made me sit up straight and quiver with delight.

Yesterday’s birthday-celebration over asian lunch in Montreal with my the two ‘ol buddies (whom I wrote about on Tuesday) was less ‘intellectual’ but was nonetheless as mind-stretching, vibrant and energizing as Visser’s tickling had been. I felt comfy and ‘safe’, very welcome and totally accepted ‘as is’. With the result that I could be ME and enjoy the companionship and yes, invite and allow aloha-like. It happens more often now, and I’m grateful whenever it does.

Yesterday, there didn’t seem to be any ‘need’ or reason to tell S. And J. about my blogsite. After blogging about them on Tuesday I had realized that, in fact, I do feel ‘decloaked’ with them and I know that when the topic is relevant that I WILL give them my url and tell them what blogging means for me as part of the Wel-Systems community. For now, it doesn’t seem like something I want to switch the conversation towards in order to let them know that I’m a blogger; it seems to be making too much of a deal about it. When I do want to, I’m confident that I’ll manifest the opportune occasion. For now, it seems enough for me to know that I’m happy to be a blogger, and it doesn’t feel dishonest if I don’t tell them about this part of my life..
Hmmmm. I’m belabouring this point, aren’t I?? Maybe there’s more behind this than I’m willing to be honest WITH MYSELF about . . . Maybe I’ll just email them my url and end this conversation with myself!

Back to yesterday – after all, that’s my topic!
When I arrived at the cottage after roadrunning through the Quebec landscape (lunch was en route), the scene was glorious. The weather was still hot and summery, the landscape was green and luscious, the smells were late-summer fragrant, and Stefan was happily drafting a house – a project which he’s enjoying. I was glad to be there.

Our evening disintegrated into a dumb, familiar contest of ‘who’s right’ and ‘why did I insist’ etc which I regretted. After we’d each retreated to our own corners on the ring and called a truce, I started to contemplate that I had created the ‘scene’ for a reason, that every thing unfolds as it should, and in it’s own way, as unpleasant as I’d found the argument, that it would ultimately teach me something more about myself when I let the penny drop. At the very least I’ve discovered another trigger/anchor in my arsenal of conditioned responses that doesn’t serve me any more.

All in all, my holodeck seemed pretty damn wonderful yesterday. And it still does today.
Reading Anita’s blog this morning reminded me that one of MY monsters usually visits with pangs of ‘do I deserve this’ too - and I realized, then, that yesterday my beast stayed away: I was simply receptive, grateful and thrilled; no guilt, no concern for consequences and whether it would last – just an awareness of a wonderful present state.
The prospect that the extinction of this particular monster could become a ‘new normal’ is very, very exciting!

So, yeah! for yesterday, yippeeee! for tomorrow. And for now, I’ll get serious about making the rest of today meaningful too.

Honesty, honestly!

2007-08-28T21:59:00.000-04:00

Moving along in a 6-Day mindfulness is interesting . . . for me right now, it’s about being awake, and letting go, and allowing, and not knowing. It’s what I’ve been able to do more or less successfully since Wel-systems, but the ‘new context’ of the 6-Day scenario has added a different dimension; a useful space for me to play with, play in.

My sense of TIME, once again, seems wonky; I’ve had this before, and it’s noticeably strong again now. Some phone calls seem interminable even though they only last 13 minutes. Others seem really quick although they also lasted 13 minutes. (My phone shows me the length of a call, and I’ve started to notice it.) Today flew past, last night seemed long. A fire alarm in the building could be blamed, although standing outside on the sidewalk at I.30 on a balmy August night can’t be called suffering; there was no fire, no problem –except some fault in ‘the system’. What does that mean in, from a Wel-systems perspective? The residents chatted, compared ‘how’s your summer been’ stories and returned to their apartments with friendly ciaou’s or g’nights. I’ve no idea how long we were outside; the sound of the alarm went on ‘forever’ and the exhaust from the 3 firetrucks that stood, engines running, in the middle of the street at-the-ready was annoying (both the smell, the pollution and the waste of fuel) but that’s how ‘the system’ works according to the fire department’s protocols.

Systems seem to be a recurring word/concept for me tonight, don’t they?! And it’s about systems that aren’t ‘working’ for me, isn't it. Hmmmm.

What will tomorrow’s time-frame feel like, I wonder with curiosity, not concern. And will I bump up against other systems? I hope it won’t be the provincial police’s speeder-catching system because I’m going to drive to Montreal to celebrate my very oldest friend’s 60th birthday over lunch with another wonderful ‘old’ friend. I’ve known the birthday-girl since kindergarden; and the third woman at the table has been in my life since I was 10. We don’t feel like the cliché version of 60, or 58 for that matter – unless we look in the mirror, of course. These two ‘girls’ are important/meaningful to me – we talk honestly, openly, and have a lot of fun. They’re supportive, in the abstract, of my ‘journey of discovery’ these last 2 years and they’re interested, in the abstract, about Wel-Systems; we share enthusiasm for some of the reading we have in common. AND I’m very aware that I’ve never told them of my blog . . . so how honest am I? Tears well up, as I write.
In a 6-Day game, what have I got to lose by giving them the URL, I wonder? In ‘real’ life, what do I fear from those whom I consider ‘best friends’. I’m gonna breathe on/around this one! I’m running out of TIME.
Intellectually at least, I want to stop playing games like this with myself and my “good, old friends’. What holds me back? My bva’s! – the one’s I declare irrelevant and history, yesterday? Darn.
As I’ve heard often enough: breathing is good, so I’ll close now and do so, deeply, with no concern for the time I might ‘need’ to process this . . . A wonky sense of time is ok by me and lack of honesty with myself and those I love isn’t – any more.
Ciaou; g’night.

Living as if

2007-08-27T10:13:00.000-04:00

Has anyone else been tempted by Louise’s question in her recent blog (http://www.louiselebrun.blogspot.com/) : What if I would have only 6 days left to live? On the drive back from the cottage I started wondering what that might mean for me,

Within seconds, the landscape became brighter, the scenery, cloud formations and plays of light on the hills and fields were enchantingly beautiful - although an hour later the smog over Montreal’s downtown core was an unavoidably, threateningly, dark grey goop. All in all, the intensity heightened within and around me; I was so awake and aware of my immediate environment. It was so amazing to see how easily and fast that happened, just be asking a new question, by changing the context.

Inside my body, lots was going on and my thoughts were flying in all directions. I felt relief mixed with awe because it was, all of a sudden, glaringly apparent to me that my culturally conditioned self, with my beliefs values and attitudes (bva’s), is so totoally irrelevant in a 6 Day Scenario.
Louise blogged about warring religious zealots who might awaken to their ‘investment in misery’. The penny dropped for me when I read her comment that I have been zealously living by, and guarding/defending, my beliefs and values. Not always those of my parents or teachers – many I have rejected or reframed (protest, yes! and yet it’s still the same conversation). But mostly, I have blindly been living my bva’s, out of habit; and believing (that word again!) I must defend/uphold/live by them – maybe as a way of defining myself in my world? It’s been my personal ‘investment in misery’ - my own. I’d never thought of it as misery but as I read Louise’s sentence my stomach contracted tangibly. While the conversation about small boxes and ‘break out of them, Lucy!’ is not new for me any more, I’m intrigued with the effect of bringing in the element of misery that is so connected to, so often a result of zealousness, judgements, defending beliefs, and of the restriction these beliefs and rules impose on movement (by narrowing thought and action). Louise was thinking of wars fought ‘for religion’ around the world, but the word ‘misery’ works for me, locally – I had created my own little war zone!

I see that I’m not able to write coherently about what buzzed in my head yesterday, and still rumbles in me now; yet I feel there’s something worth saying – my agitation tells me so. So I’ll keep going, hoping you, readers, will find some nuggets in all of this!

As I tried to think of ‘what has meaning for me’ in this new context of only 6 days left, there was a rushing panic moving though my body because nothing leapt to mind: I do not have a long-held dream to fulfill. In the past, I have not given myself permission to dream and it seems to be a hard talent to acquire ‘on demand’.

What I did sense, and still do, is a ‘need’ (desire? dream?) to go out with a bang . . . and I’m finding the urgency of ‘only 6 days’ is daunting. This game is focusing my attention – obviously it’s a useful exercise for me!

Since returning to Ottawa, where did “my 6 day game” go? It fizzled. I silenced it, until writing about it now. Why? I remember that as I neared home, I had become bogged down in the difference between asking myself questions about who/what would I BE before the/my bang and what would I DO to create the bang. I had caught a whiff of a sense of my feelings of deep caring and love (in the abstract) . . . and a sense of this ‘game’ is something I’m going to play more with.

As soon as I got off the highway, I hopped right back into my old skin, bva’s and all; habits and patterns; duties and responsibilities. I called Time Out; I didn’t mention my fascination with these thoughts to anyone, and became predictable and practical - and the afternoon lost it’s magic.
Why did I get off the playing field and abandon the game? What am I afraid of? The intensity and urgency that the game started to imply? The fun I was having, just thinking about it? That I might live it, not just think it? Change? Flow?

Monday morning:
I wrote this piece last night and I left it to reread this morning before deciding whether to post it or not.
It’s a glorious morning, the sun and air are clear and refreshing and I’m just back from a walk through the market with a wonderful friend. We chatted about various unconnected things - it is a very pleasant way to begin the day.

In the clear light of This Monday Morning: I notice that I AM actually living as if my personal, misery-making war zone is behind me, history. I am aware that this summer, I have allowed myself to enjoy and accept things, others, and situations without judgement, and that I was –for the most part! – not zealously defensive or combative – and without feeling I’m letting down my team. And as a spin off, I’ve learned that can be more gentle with and accepting of myself, the retired warrior, and it’s ok! I can be happier, more open, more present – and things get easier, not tougher. At this point, I’m not making a bang; it feels more like a little ripple or gurgling noise of a brook . . . I’m ok with that right now - at least it’s audible!

This summer, I was unwilling to accept that others around me were still very ready to see me as the old adversary they knew well – understandable from their point of view, I guess, but not the result I wanted. It’s getting clearer for me: I want to be seen for who I am now, who I am inside – and for that I will have to speak up and out, and . . . yes, not just think about living but actually LIVE as if I only have 6 days more.
On my mark, get set, go!

A Watershed, This Week

2007-08-23T22:03:00.000-04:00

My granddaughters and their parents have gone home, new/other visitors have moved on too, and I’m still at the cottage - enjoying the calm again. And I’m packing up the stuff that really belongs in Ottawa that we thought we needed here – but in fact, didn’t. That in itself is a curious-making realization. How much stuff do I think is ‘necessary’ for a ‘successful’ summer only to find out it is not, in fact, imost of it's not been touched all summer. When will I let go of ‘planning for all eventualities’ and thereby avoiding dicey situations; when will I truly trust that it’ll all unfold as it should and when will I truly know that I’ll be FINE withOUT my (cautious) preparations/attention to wee details?! Sooner, not later, I now know.

Looking back on the last nine weeks since my Oceanstone/Leadership-Emerging Futures experience, I see a fuzz of discrete and very varied events. And I remember very distinctly numerous wonderful times spent with Stefan, with both my children and their partners, my grandchildren, some of my family, and a few close friends. And better still, I feel great right now. I know that I’m a different person than I was in June, that the many quite difficult moments/days were at least as important as the frequent glorious, nourishing moments I had alone and the innumerable joyful times I enjoyed being with others.

As I looked at my last blog, the ‘content’ I wrote about seems like history; as does so much of what I focused on this spring and summer in my journal and blogs. How quickly my context changes – especially when I let go! I feel as if all that is now is part of the ‘substance’ which I am and which supports ME as I go forward. It’s not forgotten, nor rejected nor regretted. And what I have gained from it will inform my decisions as I choose where my next foot will land (as I put one foot in front of the other).

The issue of context became so clear to me on several occasions this summer. After several years of being away, I returned to many very familiar spots (the sea-side house of my parents in Maine; the tennis club porch and swimming dock, at the lake nearby; a favorite picnic spot beside a rushing stream in the New Hampshire mountains). Each one was still virtually unchanged and lovely, very evocative of innumerable memories, yet as well, each one seemed totally different to me now. This awareness each time brought home to me quite clearly the choice I have between being in flow/undergoing change and living NOW (me!) and being static and/or anchored/living in the past. While I enjoyed revisiting the sites, and found the memories mostly pleasurable, I am so very glad to notice how ‘done’ those memories are, how distanced I feel to the person I was then. They don’t have a hold on me even though the memories are still part of me. At the same time, I’m fascinated that I can retrieve them vividly - from 'out there' where all information hums. So much to learn! so much to remember!
AND I know that I am much more than those memories and I am to eager to explore what that might mean..

Tonight feels like my context is changing again – I’m ‘moving on’ after eight weeks of:
- playing with, enjoying, learning from and caring for my granddaughters;
- engaging with and learning from my daughter, sometimes through importantly truthful moments and othertimes through watching and listening and recognising parts of me (in her) struggling to emerge and grow;
- learning more about Stefan as he opens up to himself, and entering into conversations with him that feel new and open-ended, and so learning more about myself as well;
- creating an environment that furthers growth, honesty, love and sharing and reduces the well-entrenched minefields of caution, fear and silence interspersed with mixed-messages;
- feeling the huge disappointment and loss of trust in myself when the last mentioned ‘creation’ seemed to be self-destructing;
- regaining my ground and footing afterwards, and realizing that those ‘setbacks’ are important feedback; that I have choices; and that my life unfolds as it should when I give myself permission to invite and allow – without judgement.

That’s a lot of ‘writing’ - for a first blog after several weeks of silence! Once I’m off this green, late-summer hillside and back in the city with reliable e-access, I’ll indulge in more musings. T’won’t be long!
My ‘context’ in a few days, back in my familiar Ottawa surroundings, will contain all of the recent experiences I’ve just described (they’re part of me), and yet the context will feel . . . what? different? new? Can I/Will I create ‘unboxed’ and bigger? expanding and unfolding? How big and how good do I want it?!
I’ll stay awake ‘n aware, and keep ya’ posted.

Growing, Space to Grow

2007-07-30T16:21:00.000-04:00

The fact that my cottage dial-up internet “service” is frustrating, slow and totally unreliable hasn’t helped me get back into blogging. But more ‘legitimate’ is this reason: I have been way ahead of my fingers in my thoughts and feelings and each time I think that writing would feel good now, I start breathing and moving and . . . I don’t write anything.

So here I am, many, may days later and still with the urge to write, to state my current truth and aliveness and eagerness to, to . . . GROW . . . that just popped off my fingertips and it fits (glory be! is my higherSelf at the helm!?)
Certainly I’ve been doing just that, and although much of the growing has NOT felt good. (A memory popped: painful leg-cramps when I was a child were explained with “it’s all part of growing” – and how poorly that comforted me even though growing (and growing up) was a goal!). Over the last two weeks, my body has been talking to me in loud, harsh tones – and I’m still processing the experience(s). Through the physical stuff which flattened me so I felt like road-kill for 2 days (the image doesn’t fit perfectly as I was still able to breathe, and relished breathing deeply, knowing that was the way forward), I’ve discovered lots about my 2-3 dances. Thankfully even as I lay there, I knew that I didn’t have to continue dancing them – Now, it’s as if those tunes’ intensity is far less; though the triggers are still there, most times, I notice them now and choose not to run the old strategy. And my body is being gentler with me again; and me with it, grateful that the message was crisp and clear albeit forceful.

And –here’s the best part - I’ve already taken bold and courageous steps (for me!) to state my position and my unwillingness to tolerate or enable the status quo. (This is, I believe, what my body was alerting me to.) ‘Already’ flowed off my fingertips with pleasure as my ‘normal’ or old-me modus vivendi was to put off stating MY standpoint and MY feelings; sometimes I’d go beyond ‘putting off’ to the point of retreating into silence-mode and resentment. I’m not willing to do that any more. And a few people on my holodeck are seeing and hearing it; and I feel very good about my awareness of, and my voice about MY place right now.
I’m exposing my edges! I’m creating my space! And I’m growing as I go.

What was also wonderful to note for me was that I manifested what I needed in ‘physical’ help: caring and open ears listened to me when needed; a calming, energy-balancing massage appointment was available virtually immediately; and so on. I welcomed my body’s messages and I was extremely grateful for the external support which I sensed I needed and could muster simply by voicing my need. I realize that I can trust, trust mySelf to help me, and that there are no accidents!

A propos . . .
My altercation with the mouse-hole at the end of May FELT like a bad accident at the time, that’s sure. And the ‘result’ is still cramping my mobility; and my foot still swells a bit each evening. But as I heal gradually, moving at half-speed through my physical world, I see that I’m taking the time that I need. And I notice some metaphors with enthusiasm. Certainly, I’m on a new footing now with many people in my life and with my bva’s too. I’m finding my ground again in a new environment that I’m creating through voice and deed. I’m walking more consciously/mindfully on the one hand while also allowing my feet to take me at the speed and over terrain that fits my needs. And I feel I’m walking towards . . . who knows where? . . . and that my feet in their own way are helping me get there.

And there’s more I want to say, though where it ‘fits’ in this blog-piece isn’t clear. It’s just clear, and welcome, to me that this is where I am:
At an amazing open-air circus/theater performance at the Bread and Puppet Theatre in Vermont yesterday afternoon, I finally heard what the puppeteers’ve been saying. We’ve been attending their performances and engaging in their issues since the late ‘70s. Each year they expose and present burning issues in the world and especially egregious ‘errors’ being committed by the American government using enormous, beautifully sculpted and symbolically potent puppets and images. They urge, exhort and demand that the audience, we the public, wake up and take a stand. THIS much, I heard and felt each time we were there, and carried it with me long afterwards. Where they then, always, went on to and to which I felt no resonance until yesterday’s performance, was the possibility of going beyond incremental change to transformation through collective intention and action. I realize now that I was not ready to hear it; ‘transformation’ was not registering at all in my consciousness. I would watch the performances, engage emotionally and visually in the pageants, and when it came to the ‘final act’ I would note the victory of good over evil, marvel at the stage set, regret the conflagration which destroyed a wonderfully creative sculptural piece (representing, say, the military industrial complex, or agri-business which devours small-holders). And I was not seeing the enormity of the scope of their message of transformation. Why am I so blown away to I realize what was ‘escaping’ me at each performance? I’m realizing fully how very ok I have been with incremental change – it felt doable, safe, enough, all I could hope for – and thus all I could see. No more! Now though, it’s transformation for me . . . it’s out there as an option that I am now fully aware of, and that I too can make happen! I KNEW this for the first time at “emerging Futures” in June – so it’s perfect that I actually SAW this at the B and P. yesterday. Cool eh? as my five-year old granddaughter might say.

And with that awareness comes my commitment to doing what it takes. Those at Oceanstone in June will remember Louise's careful and clear warning: if x is what is meaningful and what I want, and if it takes a and b and c to get x, but I only do a and b, I will NEVER have x, I’ll have something different. And it’s my choice. At that moment my body understood, and as I write now, the feeling comes back to me: Resolve? Commitment? Desire? Which nominalization to use? Who cares!

When I think back to the days I spent recently feeling like road-kill, I think it was a reminder from my body to “do C” or else. By stopping before C, I’d be letting myself down, selling myself short, repeating what I’ve always done . . . and getting f, not x. This week, C was for choosing, and creating. And they felt and feel good.

Ultimatley, x will make a Big Bang, and I’m gearing up for it; little big bangs are already audible this week . . . and I like the sounds they make! And I really like the space they make which allows me to grow bigger, clearer, edgy-er . . . NOW.

Fear Of and Fear For

2007-07-11T17:39:00.000-04:00

Both can be real handicaps in a mother-daughter relationship, and last night the realization that they have been shaping my life since Vicky was born (maybe even since her conception?) rolled through me last night like a tank with all guns firing. I’d often bantered about being scared of Vicky’s reactions – but now I know I wasn’t fooling, I’d only fooled myself enough to be able to bury it for 38 years. After all, I ‘knew’ that children are loveable, not fearful. I’m aware now that Vicky was both, to me.

I feared her moods, her sometimes brutal honesty, and her sharp criticism; they disrupted our illusion of a ‘happy family’, disturbed the equilibrium I sought, and pointed out my/our shortcomings. I see now that if I’d understood those aspects of Vicky as expressions of herself, an authentic self, I could have learned a lot –from her words and by her speaking-her-truth example. I’m aware (now) that her anger, hurt and opinions are hers and to be engaged by her; that I felt ‘under attack’ was my response in my body and had origins in my youth and development, unrelated to Vicky.
It was huge for me to realize last night that in my relationship with Vicky I was working from a base of fear and ‘containment’; I was trying to mitigate, mediate, control situations and outcomes.

And my love for her, and my basic position in the danger/scarcity camp ensured that I was also fearful for her as she was growing up, of course, and well beyond. And my tendency, until starting the Wel-Systems programs almost two years ago, was to try to protect her from anything I perceived to be looming ominously on her horizon. Obviously I couldn’t and didn’t prevent anything – but I nonetheless would advise/warn about something I felt relevant to her ‘safety’, perform tasks to assist her, and so on – well beyond motherly-‘normal’ and necessary. I thought I was acting/thinking out of love, out of caring – with a bit of A Mother’s Responsibility included. And I persisted, even though she has demonstrated a zillion times that she’s extremely capable of looking after herself.

In case the impression I’m giving is of a tormented and unhappy relationship, it isn’t. We have shared innumerable wonderful experiences together, and are sharing the cottage this summer, with enjoyment, ease and mutual respect for each other’s needs and wishes. My ‘original fear’ that our relationship could be as meaningless for me, and for her, as the one between mine and my mother is for me, seems to NOT be the case, thankfully! I definitely feel a strong bond of love and caring. Notwithstanding, we have created a pattern in which we tread very carefully around each other, keep our respective silences and respect each other’s ‘privacy’ with amazing (in retrospect) diligence/caution.

When I woke up this morning after a short but good sleep, I wondered if my memory of the night’s tears and anguish, and attempts to breathe and ride the surf, were imagined. But I know they weren’t – because Vicky sounds and looks quite different to me this morning, and I feel very different. Is there a word for a new-found absence of fear? In my body, it’s close to ‘calm’ and ‘open’ and ‘relieved’.

What this discovery will mean, I don’t know. Once Vicky’s children are in bed tonight, I will tell her over dinner what I’ve learned about myself. If she doesn’t run off screaming, scared as hell by ME, of ME, it could be the beginning of a good conversation. I look forward to it, without fear OF her, or FOR her, or fear of where it might lead.

Just

2007-07-09T12:29:00.000-04:00

It’s another day, and I’m enjoying it – enjoying just being me. Jeepers! WHAT is that ‘just’ in my last sentence doing there????? Is that the evidence of an old belief that little ol’ me, Lucy, is not worth being, that being me is a second-rate thing to do? I’m thoroughly shocked at what rolled off my finger tips right now, and sense a constriction in my chest and throat. But I’m glad that I’m aware that I’m noticing it. ‘It” feels like a discrepancy between what I’m feeling/doing and what I just wrote. Is it? Am I kidding myself that I’m seeing myself differently now, that I know and like and am really excited that ‘being me’ is a full time adventure/occupation/career/hobby and nothing to sneeze at or disparage or avoid? And that I’m not little, either.
Breathing is good, and right now, advisable!

. . . . . .

That was a huge movement! And at the end, I started playing with the word ‘just’ – just me, just being me, just right, just terrific . . . What an interesting, benign word in some contexts; and in the context that I construed it at the outset, it was pernicious. Just being me wasn’t ‘exclusively, purely, solely’ as it rolled off my fingers; it was ‘merely’ and somewhat apologetic and belittling. How Interesting, I sobbed to myself!

My father popped to mind as my breathing deepened. HE was a pro at considering himself ‘of lesser value’, and at keeping himself small, quiet and lovable. In fact he considered not standing out nor exposing himself to be ‘worthy’ attributes. He died at 68, having never given himself a chance to shine brightly; he produced wee sparks of life in moments when he felt safe and accepted; he otherwise kept himself small and silent; his friends and family loved him, but probably only knew a tiny part of him. And I grew up, not only to look just like him, but to be like him.

At Oceanstone in June, Amy was using her wonderful Reiki skills on my foot and, on the side (!) was able to sense my father’s presence in the room. It was an unexpected and welcome moment for me then; a first for me. It allowed me to express/feel/engage an enormous sense of grief that I had locked inside my body for thirty years. Over the weeks since then, I’ve been thinking a great deal about our conversation that night, and of my father’s importance in my life. The Emerging Futures conversations had brought home to me clearly that I am no longer willing to, and cannot – for MY sake, ‘keep myself small and puny’. My body knows this. One result of bringing my father’s spirit back into my awareness is that has the intensity and depth of what I’ve ‘signed on to’ grows enormously. It’s almost as if I’m growing more, being more, with him. And I feel my father’s encouragement and even pride that I’m doing what he never allowed himself to do. So it’s as if I have broken out of a shell/box (one with no air nor space to move and grow). There’s no guilt or shame, just a liberation and rejoicing. (Boxes are important parts of many Wel-Systems conversations I've had. Here they are again, today. Onion Layers!)

Having my father along for the ride, and having ‘announced’ my debut to the children this weekend . . . I feel pretty damn great! And big, too. I’m not quite the citizen of the world making a difference (those at the Emerging Futures will recognise the reference), but I see that my days of putting people on pedestals is over, and my days of being a full citizen with a unique and vibrant identity have begun.

So, if I go back to ‘just being me’ – I write the phrase without shock and dismay, now.
On the one hand, I still construe that phrase, as stated that way, as a second-rate occupation AND I feel strongly that it’s my old way of seeing myself. I honestly think those words will not roll off my fingertips again; that I will either drop the word just, or substitute it with really, totally, fully . . . . And soon, I think, I won’t even be writing about the novelty of ‘fully being me’ because it will have become how I move through the world at all times. My ‘roles’ of mother, wife, daughter, efficient woman and so on are losing their edges daily, I’m noticing, and MY true, own edges are feeling brighter and clearer minute by minute.

Blogging helps, but not as much as breathing does!
Both never end up where I think they will at the outset. And that’s so great, or do I mean that's absolutely JUST great?

Welcome Changes

2007-07-08T22:21:00.000-04:00

I’m starting to recognise that my days of helping and/or pleasing others in order to give me the illusion of being accepted and necessary are over. I’m actually living differently – most of the time, at least! I’ve started making choices to say no, to ‘book out’ of the scene and do something that is meaningful to me – regardless of whether it’s helpful to the collective, to say yes to impulses even if it means deviating from what I had said I‘d do. It feels bold, strong and good in my body. Last year, under the same circumstances, when/if I acted that way, I’d feel guilty, selfish. Now it just feels like me.

.....……

I have had a hugely meaningful ‘conversation’ with my children. Both were here at the cottage this weekend (and Stefan is in Ottawa for RIA). I knew I wanted to finally say ‘my truth’ to them both, and together. I had no idea how this decloaking would happen, and I can’t even remember now how it actually did unfold. But I know that I was ‘there’, I was present, and what came out was right for the three of us at that time. Up until yesterday, my son was far more aware of my search for more, and of my discoveries. I have been reticent to expose myself to my daughter but I am fully aware that the time is more than ripe, and that I want to be totally honest with her too about who I am becoming. I think, in retrospect that I wanted to have them both together as I already can sense my son’s supportive and interested presence, and felt stronger with him at my side. I learned last evening that I had overdone my concern; my daughter listened actively and I felt her ‘at my side’ as well. I was honest about my new intention to actually live MY life. They could see that I ‘mean business’ about my intention to stay awake to my body, and about allowing myself to voice my thoughts, my feelings and to act on them whenever I have the clarity and impulse. They learned that I would probably be doing many things differently from now on, and they voiced their encouragement. We didn't talk about our love for each other, but I felt it in the room; and I think they did too.

I remember now that I used the following image: up til recently, I’ve been wanting a gin and tonic but I’ve been chicken to pour a strong one, or a large one, for fear of rocking the boat. So I’ve been pouring, or asking others for, tonic over ice and lime, and then I wonder why it’s not satisfying. And other various attempts at moderation and acceptableness, thinking I’d end up with a small, pleasant drink, Obviously, I’ve been mixing a watered-down version, insipid potions and never the real thing. And now I envision a very tall, strong, delicious G&T and I’m discovering how to mix it.
We had a good giggle, partly at how dumb the analogy is, but also, I think, because they had a vision of a new me, bolder and stronger and enlivened. At least, I saw myself that way as we talked, and it felt good - worth a joyful chuckle.

Later last night, and in fact, even now, lots of stuff was/is moving inside me: relief - that I’d chosen to (finally) speak up and out, and that I’m showing that I’m here now and alive in a new way; happiness - as I feel fully visible, and supported and accepted - sensations which are, for me, not insignificant!
And now as I write, I feel amazement that my family is willing to let me explore and grow, and are willing to accompany and support, even encourage me in this. I had underestimated, or misunderstood, them; I feel very grateful, very lucky – even though THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS!

……….

This morning, with the pouring rain outside, I gathered my four granddaughters around the table to paint. Even the three-year-old twins were totally focused and absolutely into the joy of smearing colours onto paper and seeing, and liking, what resulted. The five and seven year olds were more expert at handling their brushes and/but equally happy to create magic and surprise as their little sisters. The little bodies expressed pleasure and joy; their voices were clear and bright. I was learning a lot from them just by being with them, aware of what I was seeing and feeling, and living every minute of it. Not for a second did I wonder “isn’t there more?”

Sensations

2007-07-06T15:12:00.000-04:00

I created the space around me for an hour, this morning, to sit and just be, alone on the porch. The temperature, degree of sunshine, smells and silence (except for the 'natural' sounds - sans human intervention) were perfect. And as my breathing got deeper, and the ache in my foot (and extending up my right leg too) became fainter, my mind cleared and my 'understanding' that the moment was a huge one - without boundaries of any kind - was deep and meaningful. Although I don't know what it meant in the sense of KNOWING. And I don't mind that at all any more; I'm grateful for the wonderful feeling of abundance and safety that flowed through my body.
And the afternoon continues merrily, with the sounds of children's voices rejoicing with sound and movement on swings and plastic tractors and all the other props we have here to supplememnt their little legs when they 'need to move through space and experience their own bodies in motion. And the feeling of pleasure and interconnectedness remains in and enlivens MY body as I see aspects of myself reflected in the children carreening around me, each one different and unique, each one wonderful.
And NOW I've got to stop this musing, and get back - off the page into the flow - but this brief moment of writing has felt great. I needed to SAY my thoughts, I guess, and I'm glad I heard my body and migrated over to the computer.

Here and NOW

2007-07-01T16:35:00.000-04:00

I've so much to say, after the Emerging Futures - Leasdership program, and after a week of "real life" following the experience in Oceanstone, and now, today, here . . .
But time is NOT abundant for writing. I'm living in the present, choosing and moving; it feels bigger and fuller and it's wonderful. AND I'm going to make time very soon, to enjoy getting some of the whirling sensations that feel so good, into a communicable form to share with y'all.
For now, know my holodeck is rich and vibrant;that you're in my thoughts, and those of you who've blogged after and during the EF days have said lots that I 'could have said' too; and it was/is great to read it, and resonate with it and to continue to be in that space with you which felt so good, so big, so alive.

It just took a second

2007-06-09T22:48:00.000-04:00

There’s a nice ring to it: I fell into a mouse hole. Surely it’s the beginning of a good story; and I have no idea about how it will go on from there. And that’s probably my point. Who knows why I just ‘bought myself’ at least two days of serious down-time? And where they will take me? Day one ended with an appropriately beautiful sunset over the hills on the far side of the lake. Our cottage sits on the opposite hill so we get wonderful sunsets, especially in June when the greenery is lush and the shadows are soft.

I’m here for some quiet quality time and to prepare for Summer ‘07 when there’ll be four small turbulent but wonderful grandchildren under this roof. And last evening I changed my ‘plan’ for My Days dramatically by misstepping. Which shows me again that I cannot know what’s ahead, and it’s certainly another invitation to let go and surrender into . . . into whatever. And I’m accepting my mouse-hole shenanigans as that, and enjoying the surprise and ‘not knowing’. I’m somewhat amazed that I’m not furious with myself for being so stupid and careless; and that all the tasks I had set for myself are not worrying me – I trust that they’ll get done eventually, or not.

Minutes before This Event, I’d been very aware of my inner self; I was very conscious of a wonderful feeling of completeness, strength, and joy. In fact, I’d just felt a huge release of tension in my shoulders that I’d welcomed as a letting go of fears – at least that’s what it had felt like. It seemed as if I was launching a huge balloon of blocked energy into the universe for recycling. So, very relaxed and ‘light’ inside, I’d stepped off the porch in order to stroll around the house before going to bed for a good read. But I never got that far.

My parents and caregivers were excellent at warnings: watch out or you’ll hurt yourself, watch where you go etc. It follows that safety from their disapproval, and my own carefulness regarding physical safety, have been important factors in my decisions of how to move through my life. And look at this! I’ve just done the forbidden, and I’m fine. Well, my foot hurts a lot, the swelling is impressive and the inconvenience of being here alone and hobbling painstakingly to and fro – mostly to the fridge to replenish the ice-packs, would seem like most people’s idea of ‘not fine’. It’s mine too, certainly, at one level. But I’ve everything I need here for a few more days, and what’s so bad about NOT being able to walk or drive? I’m aware today that this pain hurts, but that it’s not worse than hurt and that this kind of hurt/pain is not deserving of the fear and behavioural manipulations that I have been awarding it. (Granted if I’d broken my neck as I tumbled, I’d be singing a different song – or none.)

Taking my run-in with the mouse hole as a metaphor for many other perceived ‘dangers’ that I’ve taken pains to avoid or evade in the past, it’s seems like another way of telling myself that lots of the rules, barriers and fears that I have been living with aren’t necessarily valid for me any more. Did I have to sprain my right foot to illustrate this in bold bright colours for me? I guess so. Why did I tumble immediately after feeling the huge release of tension in my back? I don’t’ know, and there are no coincidences . . .
And what else will there for me to learn about myself during my days of ‘recovery’? I’m sure there’ll be lots and I intend to stay open and awake to what’s happening.
Can I ‘move on’ and learn and grow without inviting pain next time? Isn’t there a less dramatic way to gain ‘insights’?
If not, or not now, I’m aware that I welcome the fact that I’m obviously creating something, and it feels like living.

Poppety Pop Pop

2007-06-03T14:40:00.000-04:00

My husband, Stefan, is in Russia for two weeks. The lines for our phone calls are so unclear, and the opportunities to call are infrequent that we get to say and comment on the essential stuff and then, by default, there’s space and time afterwards to reflect. In yesterday’s call Stefan was describing the people he spent the day with, and their enthusiastic welcome for him, and his attraction to them, their discussions and who he becomes when he’s there. And then he mentioned where he would spend today, and with whom – other good, warm, kind and appreciative friends. He stated that he’d have to ‘change coats’ as the second group is so different from the first (in profession, income, interests, humour, capacity for alcohol – to list a few). My first thought was Yes, that’s how we move through our life that’s filled with a multiplicity of ‘types’, groups, demands and stages or scenes – we ‘change coats’ to fit in with what the others are ‘wearing’. It works, I’ve done it, I do it well, too. And then, this morning, this penny dropped:

If we’re all interconnected, and if the ‘others’ are my creation and are reflections of me, or parts of me, on my holodeck, I don’t have to change coats and adapt to them. I can just open up and welcome them as different parts of me that I’ve chosen to ‘activate’ and work or play with. “Others” aren’t outside of me, they are in me; we are all of the same fabric. And my coat is more similar to their coat than I’d realized or admitted. So my way of moving through the world which has consisted of me AND them (best scenario), and me against them or them against me (in varying degrees of competition, opposition, resistance, proving myself, trying to stand tall and steady etc.) was Quite Unnecessary! I can perceive them as IN me, as aspects of me, and work/play with them as one team, not as opponents. I’ve spent a lot of time comparing and contrasting myself to others – never realizing that in fact, I was noticing aspects of myself and denying myself the chance to embrace some quality or behaviour, or learn from (in a constructive, not merely judgemental way), to abandon or disassociate myself from what/who seemed to be going in the wrong direction for me (given my BVAs and intention). And for those I wanted to be with, spend time with, attract into my circle, I would change my coat, thinking . . . what? that I’d be different if I didn’t, that I’d stand our and be rejected or ignored? that it’s what’s required by their rules in their world? that I’ll actually BE more like them if I look/act like them? And all the while, ‘they’ are me and I am ‘them’! Wow. I know I ‘learned’ this at ITS; but until today, the hugeness and magnificence and IMPORTANCE for me hadn’t sunk in, inside and throughout me.

Wonderment, again!
LOTS to ponder, and given this new Pop, lots that seems to be shifting radically inside, opening up space for me to be me, coat-free as it were, and just revel in all my colours and styles and lengths and textures that I can expose at will, and where I can see myself more clearly through, and with, ‘others’. (Note to self: coat is a modern cloak, and all I’m saying is DEcloak, Lucy! But this time I see it in a new light. I’m not decloaking in front of others, to be seen or judged (for better for worse etc.). I’m decloaking as coats aren’t necessary in this new world, in my new reality. I’m not going to change ‘em to fit in, I’m going to discard them, for greater transparency. My coats are getting in the way of learning and seeing and being.)

My earlier blog about camouflage and dazzle comes back into my mind. I’m going in circles, I guess, but it feels like I’m getting into richer, denser zones, and I’m really enjoying the ride – wherever it’s heading. I think the pace is quickening, and I’m very ok with NOT putting on the brakes. Untypical for me, if I think back. But why would I? I’m not there, I’m here.

Exuberance is abundant

2007-06-02T23:31:00.000-04:00

I think MJ and I are the only two people around here who’re NOT watching the Sens game and cheering like the bejeesus because they’ve scored. The Market is one hub of the celebrations, and it’s a hive of activity. Folks are swarming around . . . just wait ‘til the game’s over! It’ll get outta control below my window! I like being on the edge of the party in this case . . . I never liked the feeling of being a wall-flower as a teen, but I am very ok with not being part of a hockey crowd tonight and merely getting the sounds, and being fully aware of an amazing amount of energy exploding through this overflowing neighbourhood.

I’ve just returned from the Vietnamese Palace with MJ. It was a pleasant evening, relaxed and companionable vibes. Our conversation ranged through all the levels, and from the personal to the general, and it felt good, open, honest, with enough time for both of us, with pauses and distractions and giggles. No real problems to discuss, just updates and insights and questions about invitations and things to get curious about. It felt like a part of an ongoing conversation that will continue and evolve. And there’s no goal, no result, no finite game aspect.
Unlike what’s going on outside . . . judging by the loud eruptions, the Sens must be doing well and the game must be nearing the end as the nervousness and excitement level are mounting; there’s urgency in the air.
MJ and I had none of that - and the openendedness and the lack of hype and time-running-out anguish were very welcome.

So we’re all interconnected, and yet I feel quite separate from the fans – except for the acoustics of course. And how many other close ‘neighbours’ do I have – near and far . . . where there’s a connection that I am totally unaware of even though we’re all part of the same field? Is this part of the ‘thought’ I shared with MJ tonight? Namely, that I’m very aware that in the last month I have met innumerable ‘new’ people who are doing amazing things with and for other people, filled with passion and commitment, who are alive and buzzing and their inner movement /flow is apparent in their body language and their eyes, and evident in the paths they are taking or clearing or forging,
It’s interesting to wonder what the message for me is . . . why have I created the opportunity for these many encounters right now, this month, and what is different from other times when I have had similar encounters with other amazing people. The huge difference is ME. I am aware that these are invitations, big ones for me, to open my eyes and ears to what I wasn’t seeing or hearing before – both around me and more importantly (or empoweringly!) WITHIN me. I realize that each of these ‘models’ has given themselves full permission to dare, to leap, to create; and each is living an adventure he/she has chosen, with all the ups and downs and arounds that are part of such undertakings.

In the past, I felt really excited and impressed but puny and small around these ‘role models’, these amazing people. This time ‘round, I sense that I am waking up to the realization that I also have something to bring to the table (and that I already have a chair there, I’ve just never sat in it) . . . I don’t know where this is going, precisely, but there’s something growing in my inner garden; I’ll just keep watering and clearing out the weeds so that the flowers and veggies have a chance to grow strong and bloom/ripen. Obviously I have told myself for years that I don’t have this capacity – and I don’t have to know why. What is important to me now, tonight as I write, is to keep on putting on foot in front of the other, as Louise is wont to say, and to allow my fertile ground to do it’s stuff – patiently but actively, without fear, nourishing with gentleness and curiosity.

In the meantime, the urgency and drama unfolding on the street and all around the ‘hood tonight are reaching fever pitch. THEY have no fear of things getting ‘out of control’, those hockey fans; they’re inviting it. The police are amassing, ready for mischief, prepared to prevent ‘things going too far’. If I were to pick a character in this play for me to be, to act, who’d I be? – the ‘under-control’ detached observer on the sidelines? the wanna be exuberant following the others not knowing how to scream? the true, loyal supporter, elated with the outcome and going wild? the uniformed and bulletproofed protector and preventer? I guess I’d choose to be the genuine jump up and downer, the cheering whistler . . . and/but it certainly would be a first for me!
What’s wrong with this little mid-game is that the play I’ve chosen to act in isn’t resonating . . . The hockey game, even if it’s the Stanley Cup, just doesn’t do it for me.

But I’ve made my point to myself with the metaphor: in the Theatre of My Choice I’m going to be out there for all to see and hear; and you’re all invited to perform in it with me; I’ll need you, and it’ll be wonderful.
I talk as if this is something still to happen, don’t I? And I realize this is dumb – it IS happening, it just doesn’t look like a recognizable piece of art; yet it’s a creation (albeit still under wraps a lot of the time) . . . and it’s growing daily. And you ARE already performing with me – and I’m really glad of that. The process is exciting, isn’t it?!

The Sens have won tonight, I’m sure of that. The honking of car horns outside is deafening, but absolutely appropriate for the excitement I feel inside, about MY own game. Exuberance is abundant. And there are no coincidences!

Moving ON

2007-05-26T16:05:00.000-04:00

Earlier today, I wrote this piece (below) in Word, and tried to post it on my blog (my ex-blog now: http://frominside.wordpress.com) . . . which refused to let me post anything new. Having fully recovered from the shock and awe of rejection, I've opened this new site, on Blogger - with hopes that there will be no blips.
Opening the new site was, in fact, easy - although at registration, all the names I dreamt up for myself have already been taken . . . which shows the predictability of blog names, maybe - and how my own uniqueness (!) is all relative: I tried "words and thoughts'; "in this moment"; "new leaves"; even 'Steppping Stones' wasn't available. And so it's Yippee for me, for the next while. And it seems appropriate for the phase I'm in and that's good too!

Since writing "Choices" this morning, I have found Anita's HUGE post, and love the paradox conversationwhich has rumbled inside me, colourfully - it's making my day much more interesting:

"Paradox, for me, exists as an infinite range of colour and shades. Different hues and intensities are all part of the range that exists within paradox. . . .
My comfort with paradox is not because I'm unwilling to take a stand or that I'm afraid of making a choice - although there have been many times when I questioned whether this was indeed a factor. No, I believe my comfort with paradox is that fact that I have become quite comfortable with the range of shades in between. It seems to be this space that holds exponential potential if I am willing to wander there. What emerges is often surprising and delightful and larger than the paradoxical situation itself."

I'll close on that resonating stuff (thanks Anita!), and I'll let this morning's piece 'stand on it's own'; some of you have already recieved it by email - when I just couldn't give up! Although it feels like a long time ago that I wrote 'Choices', I still recognise ME in it - and I'm glad! I'm still happy, and it's leaking out in fun, and surprising ways.

Choices - on a Saturday Morning

So if I can’t even make a decision about what I want to do today – how will I ever . . .
And then – why choose, just see what happens, especially since all my options are really pleasant and could be wonderful. With the result that I’m here in front of my screen; none of the other options seem as magnetic in this instant.

Minutes ago, I had just tried to stall’ any decision-making by checking in on the Wel-Sys-blogs, only to find stuff I’d already seen, which made me feel lonely – as if no one was talking to me, and then wonder what EVERYONE else is doing that keeps them away from writing, and then wondering why I feel I ‘need’ new pieces from y’all when what’s posted is so great and certainly worth re-reading (knowing I’m a different person today so would read them ‘like new’ . . . and. . .
And here I am, not having re-read anything, just seeing what unfolds with my morning.

Recently, the weeks have flown past, and it’s been All Good, even the rockier sections. I’ve set myself up for some surprises and relished them as Signs Of Life. I’ve popped with insights, and wished I could tell the world because they were such revelations for me. And I’ve just sat and breathed for long spaces of time (wondering What’s UP? Is this OK? etc. if I just sit and be. And it was ok, in fact very very ok. And that was a surprise too.

I don’t usually say this out loud but here goes: I’m happy inside. Restless and unfocussed but certainly alive, and it feels good. (Maybe that’s why I just wrote that I’m happy. Maybe it’s that I feel good, and equate that with h’ness.) And as well, so often I’m impatient or intolerant of what’s going on around me as it’s not in synch with what’s important to me – ‘life’s too short’ etc. EVEN THOUGH I know that time is abundant and there’s an intelligence to being in spaces that don’t feel in synch . . . and I can’t be specific about ‘what’s important to me’ . . . and there are choices I can make . . .

One of the popping themes/insights this week has been a combo along the line of ‘taking a stand’, resisting as a way I move through the world (even if ‘my position’ is only whispered inside of me and not overt, spoken, acted on) and the possibility that I could move myself (reposition myself) along the continuum and just allow and stand in a more gentle, receptive place. Obviously this isn’t rocket science, but it was a huge pop for me – and it hit while I was on the massage table receiving an extremely ‘soft’ treatment. Formerly, I would have begged the therapist to push harder, and she would have; this time I just went wow, there’s stuff for me to feel here, be aware of, that I’ve never felt/discovered in myself before. And this has been sitting with me for days, as numerous similar invitations, topics, images and references keep hitting me between the eyes. Gentleness isn’t weakness, nor is a show of strength or resistance always useful! Was I taking a stand in order to prove to myself that I’m here? That I’m not stupid and irrelevant and worse? Sort of like making lists and ticking off completed tasks; or anything that’s results oriented, for the sake of showing an outcome? Seems limiting, certainly. Seems, as I write, like a finite game - that I’m waking up to!

I’ll be gentle with myself now, and not berate ol’ me for not having popped/woken up/allowed/received years ago, wasted so many opportunities etc. etc. etc. And move into a wonderful, sunny Saturday not knowing AT ALL how it will unfold after I push the ‘publish’ button now. I’ll let my happiness that’s inside leak out, and see what that looks when it’s exposed to the air. And see how it’ll float, and where it’ll take me.

Just Starting Again

2007-05-26T15:22:00.000-04:00

And why not? If my old site won't let me write a new post, I can deal. Right?
So here's the first entry on this new blog site, and we'll see how this flies, or if my computer hiccups again.
A bientot, assuming this site is a GO!