I’ve just read Louise’s latest blog (There is a Storm Brewing: http://www.louiselebrun.com/WomenGathering/?p=46) and I’m wondering: Holy Shit JUST WHAT have I signed up for!?
I KNOW I want to be part of Big Conversations, actively participating and truly being present, and I clearly remember not so long ago that I KNEW that intensity was fearsome, not for me and certainly ‘not me’. So, two weeks from now, the 4-day ‘Emerging Futures: Entrepreneurial Women’ at Oceanstone might be something I’ve never experienced before in more ways that I am aware of! The cast of players, and the sense of ‘something’s happenin’ and I dunno what it is’ that we all seem to be aware of right now in our individual ways, mean that I might want to either fasten my seat belt, hunker down and take some gravol, or shout yipppeeee and surrender into the flow of whatever unfolds as our energies combine. It could be the wildest ride into the unknown that I’ve ever taken. And it’s my choice; it’s my holodeck!
What surprises ME most it that I sense inside me that I’m up for this even though I have NO idea what ‘I’m up for’. I’ve clearly shifted my approach to Life. Previously I’d have I checked ‘it’ out, assessed numerous possible outcomes as best I could and ‘made sure’, opted for (perceived) safety; or I’d have externally referenced the decision (another form of safety) or I’d have made up a story that fitted. And then I’d have spent the 4-days making sure that the experience matched the expectations, again, that it fitted, was safe etc etc etc.
How small-making! Crazy-making! A closed loop, for sure. As I know now, there was an intelligence for me to live that way – but that was then.
As I ‘check in with my body’ I get a YES, Be There (with a butterfly or two making a faint take-off attempt); trust this impulse, Lucy! Trust ME.
As I learned when I Told My Story out loudthree weeks ago (or was it only two?), so much of my life was spent alone, or trying to fit in to a group so as not to be alone, or pretending I actually did fit into a group and kidding myself that this felt ok. So some of my faint butterfly sensation is a hangover that’s still in a few cells, I guess: do I really ‘belong’ in a program with these other amazing, strong, restless and fearless women? Will they ‘accept’ me? Old fears. A more relevant ‘concern’, given my five decades of limiting myself: Will I actually be able to accept the part of me that avoided intensity and not-knowing and instead access/live that part of me that’s intense, curious, daring/courageous and really really wants to surrender fully into life - instead of thinking about it or hiding from it?
As I write, I’m aware that I’m/that’s in my head. In my body, there’s a YES I CAN access that part of me, and a Get Going, Lucy! that makes me realize that the intense, curious, daring/courageous part of me is alive and kicking, it’s actually not buried very deep any more, except when I fall asleep and allow old limiting, habituated reponses to swamp me, or when stay in my head and make up/repeat old stories ‘cuz they sound familiar and it’s so easy to go/slip back to the known.
Too bad EF:EW isn’t this coming week.
I herewith resolve to, in anticipation, create my own versions of a memorable experience of splashing around in the unknown; no editing; randomness here I come. I know that “it doesn’t have to be difficult” – it merely requires me to get out of my way. And I don’t have to do this alone; my play-group might be less overtly Ready To Rock than the up-coming EF:EW adventuresses but I’ll choose the best explorers that I can find ‘round here. And three home-made 4-day intensives and it’ll almost be time to go and play with the EW’s by the water in the sunshine. Heh! Intensity! I’ve signed myself up. YIKES and YES!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Too Fast to NOT
Since my last blog, which seems to me now like a long long time ago, I've been MOVING - both in the Wel-systems way of letting information unblock and assimilate itself in my body, and in the Moving Right Along way. So much seems to happen each day, and the hours pass so quickly and so interestingly that I couldn't NOT notice the change in me, even if I were trying to kid myself that nothin' had happened. It's as if the air has become less dense around me and I can move through it effortlessly.
re blogging: The 'problem' isn't that I don't have recent stuff I'd like to exude over, marvel about or ponder over, on paper. And it's not that I don't like the speed I'm experiencing, or even the intensity I'm feeling (THAT's radical as I knew myself as Ms. Intensity Avoidance). It's partly that I don't take the time, don't slow down enough, don't just sit down and write; I find I'm chosing to NOT blog at this point - the sensation of the warm breeze filling my sails is too lovely, right now. And it's partly that, as 'everything' changes so quickly, a thought or an impulse that I might write about would 'uv become obsolete by the time I'd 'uv finished writing. At least that's what briefly flashes in my mind whenever Hey! blog again, Lucy! zooms through me as one of many options.
I don't feel my foot is consciously on the gas pedal, and I DO feel I'm steering the car/bus as it moves forward on it's own. The pavement's good; the potholes are not too deep, nor too abundant; the road I'm zipping along seems wide and endless. I feel like I just got my license. I'm seeing green lights ahead right now - after all, I get to choose the street lights on my holodeck.
It's a stick shift I'm driving; it's a paradigm shift I'm living.
re blogging: The 'problem' isn't that I don't have recent stuff I'd like to exude over, marvel about or ponder over, on paper. And it's not that I don't like the speed I'm experiencing, or even the intensity I'm feeling (THAT's radical as I knew myself as Ms. Intensity Avoidance). It's partly that I don't take the time, don't slow down enough, don't just sit down and write; I find I'm chosing to NOT blog at this point - the sensation of the warm breeze filling my sails is too lovely, right now. And it's partly that, as 'everything' changes so quickly, a thought or an impulse that I might write about would 'uv become obsolete by the time I'd 'uv finished writing. At least that's what briefly flashes in my mind whenever Hey! blog again, Lucy! zooms through me as one of many options.
I don't feel my foot is consciously on the gas pedal, and I DO feel I'm steering the car/bus as it moves forward on it's own. The pavement's good; the potholes are not too deep, nor too abundant; the road I'm zipping along seems wide and endless. I feel like I just got my license. I'm seeing green lights ahead right now - after all, I get to choose the street lights on my holodeck.
It's a stick shift I'm driving; it's a paradigm shift I'm living.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Author, painter, whatever
Painting has shown me several things over the 18 months since I first picked up a brush. I’ve learned that I love the wetness, smoothness and sound of the painting process; that I really enjoy learning how to see differently, and to see more; that I have ‘stuff’ to say/paint that seems pretty strong and vibrant – and that that’s probably a reflection of what’s moving through me!
It’s become clear to me that when I am grounded and just ‘see what happens’ on the canvas, the process of painting is totally consuming: time flies; it feels great and it’s energizing; the outcome is usually a surprise and often something I like a lot. Even when I try to use a photo as a starting point and am working more ‘from my intellect’ with a kind of a plan, if I just let my brush move freely I do end up with a fairly close representation of what I was seeing in the photo or at least a ‘picture’ I am pleased with. The beginner that I am is still really amazed that I can actually do this and how much fun I’m having.
If a painting starts to ‘go wrong’ – usually by not meet my expectations, not ‘turning out’ - and I buckle down and really work at it, it generally goes really wrong from that point on, and my undertaking feels like slow-moving struggle; darnitall; oooof; why am I doing this to myself; and proof of my lack-of-talent. When/if I return to the canvas later, and pick up where I left off yet from a different place in me, the process is often easy and satisfying, with ‘good’ results. I’ve shown myself again and again that it’s a case of allowing whatever’s in me to flow and evolve, and if/when I do, something I like is the result –it might be actually lovely/beautiful, or ‘merely’ interesting, or crazy and whimsical, or just surprising (and possibly pretty ‘ugly’ by generally accepted standards).
In ‘reality’, when I let my body direct my choices and actions, I get what’s right for me at that moment. When I work ‘from my intellect’, it’s often a struggle. This has been very apparent to me recently; and my painting process is a fractal of this.
The exciting part is that in the middle of the night last night, an important-feeling insight popped for me:
My life is actually as SAFE a game as painting is. And it’ll be as much FUN and BIG as I allow it to be, just like painting has been recently. They’re not that different. It wasn't actually at thought, at least not at first; it was more a feeling - a great surge of YESness inside.
While I have reached a point that I’m clear that ‘it’s only a piece of paper/canvas – what’s to fear?’ and whatever I paint, it’s mine and I can paint over if it’s not working for me - I had never made the connection to my own sense of safety/abundance and willingness to give myself permission to dare to live more fully, and especially to dare to ‘be outrageous’.
It’s my life and it’s not so different from a canvas; I am choosing the size, colours, textures, tones and shapes as I go; the creative process just unfolds if I get out of it’s way. I’d often told myself ‘it’s my life, my story, and I’m writing it. And that, while also true, has left me with feelings in my body which I’ve associated with responsibility, urgency, necessity to perform (not waste this chance). All pretty loaded, heavy sensations in my body – and not conducive to spontaneity nor courageous leaping-into-unknowns. Maybe even childhood values of ‘don’t waste paper’ and ‘write clearly so others can read it’ and the inherent value of books, of literature, and a respect for words (watch what you say!) that I imbibed early on, have all been playing a part in this, out of my awareness. Who knows.
By changing ONE small piece of this puzzle/game/illusion – namely that I’m painting my painting (instead of writing my book), the issue (my life) has taken on a totally different feel: lighter, bigger, permitting more changes and surprises; basically allowing me to GO FOR MORE. Why? I think ‘reframing’ in NLP terms is what I’m actually doing, but who knows why being a painter is more empowering for me that being an author – and who cares. I feel MUCH lighter today as a result of this small twist in my metaphor/illusion/perception of life, and I like it. It seems to me now that the fears that have been limiting my ability to ‘fly’ (a.k.a. to live fully, to give myself permission to do a, b. AND c, to live randomly; and slightly more specifically either to write, paint, explore, kiss numerous frogs with abandon) could actually have been shifted – dare I say disappeared? All of them? And without protracted stuggle? What an outrageous thought! I feel pretty damn good today. Yippeeee – basically!
And stepping our of NOW (briefly) and looking ahead:
What a great way to go INTO an intensive week of “Decloaking”! . . . THIS is usually the space I’m in at the END of a Wel-Systems experience.
It’s become clear to me that when I am grounded and just ‘see what happens’ on the canvas, the process of painting is totally consuming: time flies; it feels great and it’s energizing; the outcome is usually a surprise and often something I like a lot. Even when I try to use a photo as a starting point and am working more ‘from my intellect’ with a kind of a plan, if I just let my brush move freely I do end up with a fairly close representation of what I was seeing in the photo or at least a ‘picture’ I am pleased with. The beginner that I am is still really amazed that I can actually do this and how much fun I’m having.
If a painting starts to ‘go wrong’ – usually by not meet my expectations, not ‘turning out’ - and I buckle down and really work at it, it generally goes really wrong from that point on, and my undertaking feels like slow-moving struggle; darnitall; oooof; why am I doing this to myself; and proof of my lack-of-talent. When/if I return to the canvas later, and pick up where I left off yet from a different place in me, the process is often easy and satisfying, with ‘good’ results. I’ve shown myself again and again that it’s a case of allowing whatever’s in me to flow and evolve, and if/when I do, something I like is the result –it might be actually lovely/beautiful, or ‘merely’ interesting, or crazy and whimsical, or just surprising (and possibly pretty ‘ugly’ by generally accepted standards).
In ‘reality’, when I let my body direct my choices and actions, I get what’s right for me at that moment. When I work ‘from my intellect’, it’s often a struggle. This has been very apparent to me recently; and my painting process is a fractal of this.
The exciting part is that in the middle of the night last night, an important-feeling insight popped for me:
My life is actually as SAFE a game as painting is. And it’ll be as much FUN and BIG as I allow it to be, just like painting has been recently. They’re not that different. It wasn't actually at thought, at least not at first; it was more a feeling - a great surge of YESness inside.
While I have reached a point that I’m clear that ‘it’s only a piece of paper/canvas – what’s to fear?’ and whatever I paint, it’s mine and I can paint over if it’s not working for me - I had never made the connection to my own sense of safety/abundance and willingness to give myself permission to dare to live more fully, and especially to dare to ‘be outrageous’.
It’s my life and it’s not so different from a canvas; I am choosing the size, colours, textures, tones and shapes as I go; the creative process just unfolds if I get out of it’s way. I’d often told myself ‘it’s my life, my story, and I’m writing it. And that, while also true, has left me with feelings in my body which I’ve associated with responsibility, urgency, necessity to perform (not waste this chance). All pretty loaded, heavy sensations in my body – and not conducive to spontaneity nor courageous leaping-into-unknowns. Maybe even childhood values of ‘don’t waste paper’ and ‘write clearly so others can read it’ and the inherent value of books, of literature, and a respect for words (watch what you say!) that I imbibed early on, have all been playing a part in this, out of my awareness. Who knows.
By changing ONE small piece of this puzzle/game/illusion – namely that I’m painting my painting (instead of writing my book), the issue (my life) has taken on a totally different feel: lighter, bigger, permitting more changes and surprises; basically allowing me to GO FOR MORE. Why? I think ‘reframing’ in NLP terms is what I’m actually doing, but who knows why being a painter is more empowering for me that being an author – and who cares. I feel MUCH lighter today as a result of this small twist in my metaphor/illusion/perception of life, and I like it. It seems to me now that the fears that have been limiting my ability to ‘fly’ (a.k.a. to live fully, to give myself permission to do a, b. AND c, to live randomly; and slightly more specifically either to write, paint, explore, kiss numerous frogs with abandon) could actually have been shifted – dare I say disappeared? All of them? And without protracted stuggle? What an outrageous thought! I feel pretty damn good today. Yippeeee – basically!
And stepping our of NOW (briefly) and looking ahead:
What a great way to go INTO an intensive week of “Decloaking”! . . . THIS is usually the space I’m in at the END of a Wel-Systems experience.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Lately
Lately, I’ve been painting, reading - with 3 books on the go , listening to Louise’s “Leadership” cds; in short: moving through my days with no plan (randomly) and with enthusiasm. Somehow, blogging has fallen by the wayside although occasionally I find myself, while walking outside (in the sometimes spring-like air) and especially when painting, in a sort of internal blogging mode. In a abstract way: I’m not forming sentences, but I’m thinking thoughts; it’s beyond just ‘having’ thoughts and the thought(s) is/are not yet really formed, gelled. It’s fun – seeing what pops up, from the past - sometimes a new angle, sometimes a repeat, sometimes a whim or fantasy for the future. And just letting these thoughts fly without pushing, guiding or limiting them. Some fizzle out as fast as they came, others begin to feel more like an exploration, or a sparkle with a bit of staying power.
The rest of the time when I’m painting, I’m pretty much ‘just’ painting - pushing and pulling colours across the paper, mixing colours and seeing what happens; and constantly surprising myself with what emerges. Time flies. I’m starting not to feel naughty or self-indulgent or silly. (That old familiar voice is less frequently audible, but I still know what she used to say: I’m not An Artist hence and what am I doing pretending I can paint? Do something useful!). And I’m actually allowing myself to be quite pleased with some of the results, and recognizing my own sense of pleasure and surprise with the results, and I’m aware that I’m enjoying the feeling in my body as I’m standing in front of the easel, brush in hand. Maybe that’s why I’m doing it – to get a bit more in tune with me and my feelings? If so, it’s working! Or is it a way for me to learn to just me in the moment, focusing on putting one mark on the canvas at a time? That’s working too.
Despite my musing about it here, I like that I don’t even have to know ‘why’ I doing it.
For the upcoming term at the School of Art, I’ve signed up for another session of ‘Acrylics for Beginners’ classes – that was a really easy decision. More daring was enrolling in “Dare to Sculpt”. It’s been an idea forming for a while, and then, in March at an exhibit of Henry Moore works in London I actually said out loud: I’d like to learn how to sculpt, to mold things with my hands, to see what happens. So I enrolled. In spite of my aghast, often-instantly-there don’t-do-it voice: screeching: Hubris! TWO art classes, who do I think I am? And sculpting? for gods sake, I’m NOT Henry Moore. Have pity on the instructor! But something else inside was prompting me loudly and clearly: YES, BE crazy. So I’m going to give it a whirl! Watch me twirl! And yes, probably I should have pity on the instructor who’ll have to deal with someone (ME) who has no idea how to begin to think/create in 3D. I suppose so . . . EXCEPT . . . because this is a holographic universe, and I’m being drawn to this, full of curiosity and the tingle of Yippeee - Adventure Ahead! ‘having pity’ is not the way I’m thinking any more. Now it’s . . . Choose me, eh!
So Ms Sculpting Instructor will have me aboard for nine Mondays; and she’s really welcome on my holodeck too.
And my old voice is groaning at the thought. Too bad for her, now; she’s been zipped.
The rest of the time when I’m painting, I’m pretty much ‘just’ painting - pushing and pulling colours across the paper, mixing colours and seeing what happens; and constantly surprising myself with what emerges. Time flies. I’m starting not to feel naughty or self-indulgent or silly. (That old familiar voice is less frequently audible, but I still know what she used to say: I’m not An Artist hence and what am I doing pretending I can paint? Do something useful!). And I’m actually allowing myself to be quite pleased with some of the results, and recognizing my own sense of pleasure and surprise with the results, and I’m aware that I’m enjoying the feeling in my body as I’m standing in front of the easel, brush in hand. Maybe that’s why I’m doing it – to get a bit more in tune with me and my feelings? If so, it’s working! Or is it a way for me to learn to just me in the moment, focusing on putting one mark on the canvas at a time? That’s working too.
Despite my musing about it here, I like that I don’t even have to know ‘why’ I doing it.
For the upcoming term at the School of Art, I’ve signed up for another session of ‘Acrylics for Beginners’ classes – that was a really easy decision. More daring was enrolling in “Dare to Sculpt”. It’s been an idea forming for a while, and then, in March at an exhibit of Henry Moore works in London I actually said out loud: I’d like to learn how to sculpt, to mold things with my hands, to see what happens. So I enrolled. In spite of my aghast, often-instantly-there don’t-do-it voice: screeching: Hubris! TWO art classes, who do I think I am? And sculpting? for gods sake, I’m NOT Henry Moore. Have pity on the instructor! But something else inside was prompting me loudly and clearly: YES, BE crazy. So I’m going to give it a whirl! Watch me twirl! And yes, probably I should have pity on the instructor who’ll have to deal with someone (ME) who has no idea how to begin to think/create in 3D. I suppose so . . . EXCEPT . . . because this is a holographic universe, and I’m being drawn to this, full of curiosity and the tingle of Yippeee - Adventure Ahead! ‘having pity’ is not the way I’m thinking any more. Now it’s . . . Choose me, eh!
So Ms Sculpting Instructor will have me aboard for nine Mondays; and she’s really welcome on my holodeck too.
And my old voice is groaning at the thought. Too bad for her, now; she’s been zipped.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
MY VACUUM
It’s not that I need to do the vacuuming around here; it’s that I feel like I’m in A Vacuum, and it’s dense and heavy, warm and safe – yet physically uncomfortable. The rain on the roof sounds steady, determined and comforting, and the aimlessness of my day is unsettling. I have lots TO DO, and absolutely no inclination to get any of IT done nor to start anything new. Those ‘to do’s’ are products of my intellect – some of them I even actually truly want to do. And I know that my ‘uncomfortablness’ is heavily influenced by my OLD belief that being busy is ’good’ and getting stuff done is useful – (combined with the knowledge of the fact that I will have to complete these tasks at one point and/but postponing them for a while isn’t going to change much). And my body is saying NO to all of them; I’m not bored, not tired, not depressed; I’m restless, unsettled, unfocussed and sort of floating – with lots of body responses traveling gently but nonetheless noticeably through me.
I ‘know’ this is all ok and that I don’t need to fix myself, don’t need to ‘snap out of it’ (as I’ve be taught to do); and I’m trusting that just letting it happen and staying with it is what I need to do if I’m going to get to know myself better and move closer to living MY life. It’s just that right now, it feels . . . . well, like I’m in limbo/a vacuum, and although I have ‘been here’ before, I’ve never actually liked this state and I used to usually try to suppress/override/ignore it – back then, I didn’t know the afloat-and-drifting sensation is really a form of information about myself, I’d always ‘believed’ that this vaccum-space was a mood and nothing worth paying attention to.
I’m getting an ‘EASE UP, be gentle, dammit’ message as I write. And a ‘wallow merrily in the vaccum and see what happens’ whisper is filling my space. Luxuriating has always been fraught with ‘don’t’ connections in the past; allowing myself to enjoy the vastness of the vacuum is an intellectual oxymoron for me right, and I know I’m going to try it anyway, this afternoon, and see how my body likes it – to hell with what my culturally conditioned self might murmur.
Sarah’s recent phrase leaps to mind: " i am ready for more...... i am aware being for me...is simply energy moving in and out of me and from others to others." The sentence has stuck with me since I read it because it resonated so strongly with how I’ve been living/feeling recently – certainly since the EF:EW experience a month ago when the penny really dropped – kerplunk – and I realized that I fully stand in the New Paradigm. And this last month, it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster as others who live in the ‘old paradigm’ triggered habitual responses from me which no longer felt/were authentic, and that prompted me to wake up again and to choose/speak from my newly recognized space.
Today, it’s as if my body, especially the area around my 6th and 7th chakras, is giving me invitations to really assimilate more layers of this awareness, and to get in tune with this more deeply, more completely; maybe my actual cells are still reconfiguring themselves. It’s as if I’m creating a vacuum around myself to protect me from bumping up against something today – as if I’m in fact helping myself, supporting myself until I’m ready to move, choose, put one foot down in front of the other again. Sounds gentle to me . . . I’ll accept it gratefully – and see it as wonderful and wise, not uncomfortable and disorienting.
I can already feel that my feet are almost ready to touch ground again – I feel quite different from the Chagall-like floating figure I was when I started writing this.
I ‘know’ this is all ok and that I don’t need to fix myself, don’t need to ‘snap out of it’ (as I’ve be taught to do); and I’m trusting that just letting it happen and staying with it is what I need to do if I’m going to get to know myself better and move closer to living MY life. It’s just that right now, it feels . . . . well, like I’m in limbo/a vacuum, and although I have ‘been here’ before, I’ve never actually liked this state and I used to usually try to suppress/override/ignore it – back then, I didn’t know the afloat-and-drifting sensation is really a form of information about myself, I’d always ‘believed’ that this vaccum-space was a mood and nothing worth paying attention to.
I’m getting an ‘EASE UP, be gentle, dammit’ message as I write. And a ‘wallow merrily in the vaccum and see what happens’ whisper is filling my space. Luxuriating has always been fraught with ‘don’t’ connections in the past; allowing myself to enjoy the vastness of the vacuum is an intellectual oxymoron for me right, and I know I’m going to try it anyway, this afternoon, and see how my body likes it – to hell with what my culturally conditioned self might murmur.
Sarah’s recent phrase leaps to mind: " i am ready for more...... i am aware being for me...is simply energy moving in and out of me and from others to others." The sentence has stuck with me since I read it because it resonated so strongly with how I’ve been living/feeling recently – certainly since the EF:EW experience a month ago when the penny really dropped – kerplunk – and I realized that I fully stand in the New Paradigm. And this last month, it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster as others who live in the ‘old paradigm’ triggered habitual responses from me which no longer felt/were authentic, and that prompted me to wake up again and to choose/speak from my newly recognized space.
Today, it’s as if my body, especially the area around my 6th and 7th chakras, is giving me invitations to really assimilate more layers of this awareness, and to get in tune with this more deeply, more completely; maybe my actual cells are still reconfiguring themselves. It’s as if I’m creating a vacuum around myself to protect me from bumping up against something today – as if I’m in fact helping myself, supporting myself until I’m ready to move, choose, put one foot down in front of the other again. Sounds gentle to me . . . I’ll accept it gratefully – and see it as wonderful and wise, not uncomfortable and disorienting.
I can already feel that my feet are almost ready to touch ground again – I feel quite different from the Chagall-like floating figure I was when I started writing this.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Doing C
I’m not sure if was last June, I am sure it was at Oceanstone and I can visualize the Great Room, me sitting beside the fire and Louise opposite me. I think I even gasped as Louise made the clear point: ”If you want to get x, and it takes a+b+c but you’re only willing to do a+b, you'll never ever get x, you’ll get something else; and it’s your choice.”
It made a huge impression on me then, and I thought I’d ‘got it’ then, too. This week, though, I’ve had several invitations to wake up and realize that, on a regular basis, I’m not doing c. Almost as if the way I move through the world is Not Doing C. And once again, I’m saying NO MORE to myself, and by blogging it and sending my intention out into the univers, I’m planning on making it happen.
What’s not doing c? Lots of things, this week.
- I didn’t change what I’m doing even though I was very aware as I did it that what I was doing was not working. I’ll admit that I didn’t actually know how to do it differently, but more importantly, I realize now that I didn’t let myself explore other options, didn’t take a risk (which wasn’t really a risk as the situation was a harmless painting exercise). But, once I woke up to what was happening, I got curious, and then somewhat horrified, about the ‘where else’ issue (i.e where else in my life do I fall into this pattern).
- I drew my line in the sand far to close too where I was standing. I kept myself small and puny because I planted my spear (a good thing) allowing only for a small change. I ‘took into account’ what I felt my environment could tolerate, I accepted to aim for what would be ‘a good beginning’ instead of taking what I really wanted to achieve as my starting line and accepting nothing less. In this instance, I kept myself at effect, and possibly underestimated the situation. At any rate, what I got was what I’d aimed for, and I know that what I wanted (and still want) was/is more than that. Again, I wasn’t willing to risk ‘asking for’ more; I didn’t state my full truth – to myself first of all, or when I set my spear.
- I chose to fall into a well-honed strategy of responding to a plea for help without taking my own needs/wishes/goal into consideration. The opportunity to give-when-asked triggered an instant yes reponse from me; I didn’t check in first with my body, or my intellect for that matter. My culturally conditioned self just leapt into action and I stopped doing what was actually something I had consciously chosen, and what was nourishing and pleasant. I DID help, that’s probably true; but I did not stand up for myself and my needs. I didn’t want to seem selfish, unhelpful – my old rules grabbed me by the throat again and I surrendered my own voice to them. I’m aware that if I hadn’t ‘helped’ in this instance, the dynamic of the underlying situation would have changed as I wouldn’t have perpetuated the existing pattern; THAT, in fact, would have been more helpful. And it’s not too late, now that I’ve remembered again who I am, and that I can change things by doing things differently.
So all this begs the question: what IS c?
Some of what c is, of course, depends on what x is. But without trying to be too cute or clever about this, let’s say that x ranges from an immediate outcome to the huge vast enlivening concept of living ‘fully’ - as the godforce that now know I am.
In all cases, c includes:
- choosing myself, knowing I matter; remembering that It’s My Life.
- recognizing what is true and important for me; saying YES and NO;
- asking/demanding/seeking/dreaming for BIG - not for small and puny, not for what would be just easily manageable and bare bones acceptable; it’s mine to choose; it’s my choice;
- living it, doing it, not just thinking about it nor only blogging about it;
- trusting myself, even if I don’t have clue what ‘doing it differently’ or change might actually be/entail; trusting that as I enter the unknown, the path/way will become visible/clear – until it changes as a result of where I’ve just gone and I continue the exploration further – again and again.
And I’m sure I’ll be adding to the list.
For now, I’m going to go forward doing c - as a combination of courage, choices, curiosity – and allowing. (Does anyone have a c-word for that?). And x is anything and everything I want it to be. And it doesn't have to be difficult; even the math is easy.
And right now, x means going for a post-snowstorm walk - the sun has come out, the air will be wonderful; I feel like it – and who knows where I’ll go. But if I don’t get off this sofa and go now - that could be the c in this equation, it’ll be another day inside for me (or y) not x. it's that simple. It's c, see?
It made a huge impression on me then, and I thought I’d ‘got it’ then, too. This week, though, I’ve had several invitations to wake up and realize that, on a regular basis, I’m not doing c. Almost as if the way I move through the world is Not Doing C. And once again, I’m saying NO MORE to myself, and by blogging it and sending my intention out into the univers, I’m planning on making it happen.
What’s not doing c? Lots of things, this week.
- I didn’t change what I’m doing even though I was very aware as I did it that what I was doing was not working. I’ll admit that I didn’t actually know how to do it differently, but more importantly, I realize now that I didn’t let myself explore other options, didn’t take a risk (which wasn’t really a risk as the situation was a harmless painting exercise). But, once I woke up to what was happening, I got curious, and then somewhat horrified, about the ‘where else’ issue (i.e where else in my life do I fall into this pattern).
- I drew my line in the sand far to close too where I was standing. I kept myself small and puny because I planted my spear (a good thing) allowing only for a small change. I ‘took into account’ what I felt my environment could tolerate, I accepted to aim for what would be ‘a good beginning’ instead of taking what I really wanted to achieve as my starting line and accepting nothing less. In this instance, I kept myself at effect, and possibly underestimated the situation. At any rate, what I got was what I’d aimed for, and I know that what I wanted (and still want) was/is more than that. Again, I wasn’t willing to risk ‘asking for’ more; I didn’t state my full truth – to myself first of all, or when I set my spear.
- I chose to fall into a well-honed strategy of responding to a plea for help without taking my own needs/wishes/goal into consideration. The opportunity to give-when-asked triggered an instant yes reponse from me; I didn’t check in first with my body, or my intellect for that matter. My culturally conditioned self just leapt into action and I stopped doing what was actually something I had consciously chosen, and what was nourishing and pleasant. I DID help, that’s probably true; but I did not stand up for myself and my needs. I didn’t want to seem selfish, unhelpful – my old rules grabbed me by the throat again and I surrendered my own voice to them. I’m aware that if I hadn’t ‘helped’ in this instance, the dynamic of the underlying situation would have changed as I wouldn’t have perpetuated the existing pattern; THAT, in fact, would have been more helpful. And it’s not too late, now that I’ve remembered again who I am, and that I can change things by doing things differently.
So all this begs the question: what IS c?
Some of what c is, of course, depends on what x is. But without trying to be too cute or clever about this, let’s say that x ranges from an immediate outcome to the huge vast enlivening concept of living ‘fully’ - as the godforce that now know I am.
In all cases, c includes:
- choosing myself, knowing I matter; remembering that It’s My Life.
- recognizing what is true and important for me; saying YES and NO;
- asking/demanding/seeking/dreaming for BIG - not for small and puny, not for what would be just easily manageable and bare bones acceptable; it’s mine to choose; it’s my choice;
- living it, doing it, not just thinking about it nor only blogging about it;
- trusting myself, even if I don’t have clue what ‘doing it differently’ or change might actually be/entail; trusting that as I enter the unknown, the path/way will become visible/clear – until it changes as a result of where I’ve just gone and I continue the exploration further – again and again.
And I’m sure I’ll be adding to the list.
For now, I’m going to go forward doing c - as a combination of courage, choices, curiosity – and allowing. (Does anyone have a c-word for that?). And x is anything and everything I want it to be. And it doesn't have to be difficult; even the math is easy.
And right now, x means going for a post-snowstorm walk - the sun has come out, the air will be wonderful; I feel like it – and who knows where I’ll go. But if I don’t get off this sofa and go now - that could be the c in this equation, it’ll be another day inside for me (or y) not x. it's that simple. It's c, see?
Monday, March 3, 2008
Feedback - and thoughts about Mishmash as a Process
When I sat down to write "Feedback" for Louise yesterday, the piece below rolled off my fingertips. As I read it now, it seems pretty 'formal' and stilted as it started out - as if it was me writing in a way/style that was expected of me - after all, it's Feedback - hence there are rules (in my old world, at least) and I slipped right into producing what's expected of me! Except that as the piece progressed, the style and tone show that I seemed to relax into it - slightly, and it became a bit more spontaneous - inspite of still keeping the project-at-hand in mind. Is that a metaphor for how I move through my world, these days? Probably. So the result, as I read it this morning, seems to me to be a mishmash of feedback/sales pitch for potential entrepreneurial women retreat-goers, a declaration - as much for the benefit of readers as for me to hear myself decloak another time, and, by now, also a post for my blogsite. And mishmash is also a pretty accurate metaphor for my confused, enthusiastic, exploring and 'allowing myself' modus vivendi these days. All good! No complaints! Yippeeee!
Leading up to the Emerging Futures:Entrepreneurial Women retreat, I wondered what the 4 days would bring, feeling certain that it would be big, and good, and important; I was ‘open’ to whatever the experience might be for me. It’s not the first program that I’ve attended, and I’m very familiar with the body of knowledge that is the basis for the discussions; and each time I register, it’s with anticipation of personal, discovery and growth, and expecting at least to leave with a rekindled sense of myself, of wonderment, joy and gratitude. After this retreat, I felt all of those AND renewed confidence in myself as entrepreneurial woman, and more certain of the unlimited possibilities for me that lie in the Emerging Future ‘process’.
Different from the other women who attended this retreat because I’m not ‘an entrepreneur’ with a business of my own, I felt I was in the right place nonetheless, knowing that I’m an entrepreneurial woman: innovative, creative; strong; willing to think outside the box; taking responsibility for the choices I make. In all of the discussions, I was interested, challenged, stimulated, engaged; and often moved to tears or gasps of aha, yes! or bursts of no more of that for me, that’s sure! The ‘that’ was usually a pattern of thought, a habituated response, or a limiting belief that still lingers from my past. In the group I felt totally included, unselfconscious, safe, and willing to express an unedited version of whatever came into my mind.
My biggest ‘take home’ is easy to describe for those familiar with the Wel-Systems perspective: I know now that I stand firmly in space of the Wel-System paradigm. I now know in my body and not just through my intellect that WHO I am is energy and WHAT I am is a quantum biological device, and that my Emerging Future lies in allowing the connection from the universal field to enter and flow through my body, so that I am an expression in this world of that signal. For readers unfamiliar with what this seemingly wild-and-wooly stuff means, read the book(s)! It’s not so weird, in fact; it’s science. (Louise Lebrun’s Fully Alive would be a starting point.) This retreat was a breakthough for me in that, over the last few years, I learned about this worldview, accepted the science and concepts, but had not felt myself fully living within, or from, the new paradigm. During the EF:EW retreat, I recognized that I fully embrace this new worldview now, in body and in mind. It has been a huge step for me, I realize now as I look back, and I obviously needed some time to move from my previous, well-entrenched and commonly accepted perspective. And the time was right for me, last week, to become aware just how far I’ve traveled, and where I now stand. And over the four days, with the support of five other wonderful women, it was a perfect opportunity to move ‘forward’ from this new place, exploring what might emerge as I see the world from a different perspective. Understatement: It was pretty amazing.
Now, one week later, I am both very aware of the immense leap I have taken and very excited about what lies ahead. Until now, I had only disclosed small parts of my changing beliefs and my ‘journey’ to others. Trying to explain more specifically where I now stand to my family, in particular, has been challenging, especially as an ‘Emerging Future’ includes/requires that I do not/can not know what is ahead for me and that I allow my body – not my intellect, to lead me. These are not easy concepts for others to accept; even if the intensity of my declaration that this is how I want to live is tangible, this approach, as a way of living, sounds awfully unstructured and open-ended – because it is. And frankly, I am still learning how to live this way. It requires that I stay awake to the lure of living from my head, and that I avoid falling into the well-honed ‘routine’ of basing decisions and actions on past experiences. and habits. I am learning to ‘be led’ by my intuition, to do what feels right to me, not what is/has been expected of me. It entails choosing, constantly; when I don’t, I notice soon enough that I have defaulted back into habituated responses that no longer are appropriate for the job at hand: living my life fully, engaging the entrepreneurial woman in me for a more enlivened, inspiring and enriched life; one that, with my energetic expression, touches others and allows them to feel/know their own spirit more intensely.
When there’s another EF:EW retreat, I’m likely to sign up for it; the experience of getting together in a small group with other Wel-Systems women for deep, broad, lively and wonderful conversations is one I will seek out often. Learning from each other and exploring with each other is an accelerated way to experience the magnificence of this world - and of myself. Goodness! if I still stood in my ‘old’ worldview, I’d never have written those last three words. As I said earlier, in my ‘Emerging Future’ journey, I don’t know what’s ahead . . . and the 60yearold godforce/spirit that I am obviously has many surprises up my sleeve for me; I just have to let me do my magic!
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