In transit

If I consider myself ‘back’ – what does that mean? That I’m home and thus where I really belong? That the cottage is not ‘home’? That on all our trips, I’m more than ‘away’ or ‘outta town’ – that I’m gone?
Yes, it feels excellent to be settling in to the apartment again and it feels like home here. But so does the cottage once I’ve settled in there. And our trips are generally not adventures; we repeat familiar routes to visit family or good friends, albeit spending our nights in hotels and living out of a suitcase. So these trips are rarely exploring new territory; they almost feel like an extension of being at ‘home’ if you take a less literal view of the term. So yes, I’m gone (i.e. I’m not in this principal residence, as the tax office calls it) but I’m not far away either, I take ME along; and I come back different each time. But changing from who I am (who I think I am) in the morning happens every day, every hour of each day no matter where I am.

So what’s my point?

I’m not sure. Maybe that I feel in transition, in more ways than just geographically and that I’m getting curious about the feeling, and I’m looking at my well-trodden paths and the yearly calendar, and what staying in one place for an extended period might feel like, and what I’d miss if I didn’t hop around so much.
Am I being pulled in these directions by some purpose, or am I in a rut, or am I running away from something? What’s it mean to ‘be gone’ ? Is ‘home’ where I am when I’m alive and awake and is the actual location important? Except for the expense and inconvenience of packing up and/or closing down, and the long waiting periods at security, airports and car rentals, why not be me, alive and awake, somewhere else than ‘at home’?

It’s clear to me that the downside of being away is that I don’t get time to bite my teeth into anything (anywhere), and I’m sensing that I find it frustrating – in the abstract at least. But/and I know I’m kidding myself (I’m back on the Am I Being Honest WITH MYSELF!? theme again). I’m aware that I’ve not allowed myself to really focus on the opportunity costs of being away so much in terms of What I’d Do/Be if I stayed here more. I’ve let myself sleep. Maybe that’s my point.

It is and I am an Emerging Future and I’m the one that’s holding myself back. If I’d stop thinking about what I might do (thinking about living) and let my higherSelf connect with my body, it’d be a start! Inviting and allowing, boldly (!) and courageously (!).
It’s also time to Dream, even to Dream Big; to give myself permission to break out of my box(es); to let myself be tempted and to trust mySelf to know when to bite. And to see where it takes me (here at home, or away again?! or both).

I know I’ve been at this point before; and that judging myself for being back at the starting gate again is pointless. I’ll take a deep breath and know that there’s no time like NOW to take off again, afresh!

This ‘what AM I doing!?’ topic seems urgent to me today because we’re flying to Europe at the end of the week to visit family and old friends again. If all goes as planned it’s going to be an easy, familiar trip and I’ll have lots of time to let this conversation rumble inside. Dreaming is unfamiliar territory but I’ll see if I can’t GO THERE while I’m gone. Recently, nobody has stopped me from booking that trip recently – nothing, and nobody except myself.