Urgency and restlessness, and/yet knowing I’m in the right spot and I can trust myself here – it’s MY LIFE right now, these days. Part of me is comfortable with this, or at least with the not knowing side of the urgency and restlessness; yet part of me thinks back fondly of a mellow, a thinking-I-knew and a not-restless state, because it was easy. But I’m fully aware that it was also boring and that I don’t want to go back there. So I’ll stick with the agitation, and continue to breathe often and deeply, and welcome the tears, and just see what evolves from within me. I’m watching out for evasive distractions which don’t serve me that I am all to good at creating for myself, and I’m listening to the impulses that draw me towards something. I know/trust that something(s) ‘more’ will emerge from this, and I’ll take it from there. Stay awake! and choose mindfully! are actively in my awareness right now; it’s not been my habitual mode of engaging, and I’m finding it interesting, sometimes - no, often challenging. Let go! Is also something I remind myself each day; I often find myself hanging on, even though I don’t want to. I’ve been saying this for a while now, yet it thrills me each time I repeat it: It’s MY Life, and I’m not going to ignore or forget that any more.
Hence the urgency and restlessness, I guess!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Friendship ‘n Facebook
It seems yesterday’s blog was a good beginning of my exploration of what Friendship means for me. I woke up with ‘information’ rumbling in my 2nd and 3rd chakra and I’m pretty sure it was a result of my pondering last evening. And it continues.
Today I realize I’m really annoyed by Facebook – asking other people to be friends, asking my permission to be included in someone else’s site, feeling wimpy when I don’t fill in all the areas where the site-designers would love me to provide information. I’m not sure what the issue is for ME but it’s more than just not being with it, or feeling too introverted for Facebook’s kind of fun and not really being excited by it’s info-sharing and friend-sharing opportunities. There’s something about the exposure, the structure, the in-my-faceness of it and the connection to my perception of My Friends that’s not mixing well for me.
I joined because I wanted to be able to access Louise’s Facebook sites, and it’s only now that I realize there’s information brewing out of that registration and creation of my account with Fbk and posting my photo etc etc. concoction that I’m getting curious about. I know I can just pull out, I can hide my face so to speak, but I’d rather see where unsettled feeling is leading me. Does my agitation have to do with Facebook at all? Am I still rumbling with the friendship question? Others as reflections of me and trusting myself, and others? Sharing, intimacy? Right now, I’m guessing I won’t write about any insights I gain on Facebook, but who knows.
Today I realize I’m really annoyed by Facebook – asking other people to be friends, asking my permission to be included in someone else’s site, feeling wimpy when I don’t fill in all the areas where the site-designers would love me to provide information. I’m not sure what the issue is for ME but it’s more than just not being with it, or feeling too introverted for Facebook’s kind of fun and not really being excited by it’s info-sharing and friend-sharing opportunities. There’s something about the exposure, the structure, the in-my-faceness of it and the connection to my perception of My Friends that’s not mixing well for me.
I joined because I wanted to be able to access Louise’s Facebook sites, and it’s only now that I realize there’s information brewing out of that registration and creation of my account with Fbk and posting my photo etc etc. concoction that I’m getting curious about. I know I can just pull out, I can hide my face so to speak, but I’d rather see where unsettled feeling is leading me. Does my agitation have to do with Facebook at all? Am I still rumbling with the friendship question? Others as reflections of me and trusting myself, and others? Sharing, intimacy? Right now, I’m guessing I won’t write about any insights I gain on Facebook, but who knows.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Rumbling and tumbling with Friendship
A friend suggested I go inside myself and expore what friendship means for me. These are my scratchings, syntax-free and absolutely as they came off my fingertips. If I were to consider/judge what I've written and edit, try to make it more readable, less confusing, I'd probably chuck the whole thing - and stay silent. It’s been an interesting evening for me. I feel way better now as I push the ‘publish’ button than I did when I started this – it’s been ‘useful’ to recognise my OLD beliefs, values and attitudes (bva’s) that still drive my bus far too often/much. See them pop out on the page. Old fears. Old habits. Even though I KNOW it's a quantum/holographic universe, I still fall into old well-worn pattern(s) of thought; hopefully not for much longer. They're getting in my way.
What’s friendship for ME?
A nominalization: for the energy flowing between two people which connects them with a warm, trusting, accepting, stimulating and supporting bond. No room for power or force, no victim/victor; it’s voluntary, and mutual; it’s open-ended. In friendship, there is possibility for any/every emotion to surface. Friendships can last a lifetime, or be of whatever length of time that the energy is maintained. Friendships can ebb and flow. Friendships can change in intensity.
It’s a continuum with acquaintance/casual friend at one end and really good, close friend at the other. The difference? Degrees of acceptance and intimacy. Areas of mutual interest and similar outlook and perceptions of the world are often present, more so with ‘good friends’; friendship between me and people with quite different bva’s and ways of living? – not so deep/close, but there is still a bond/attraction/energetic connection.
Love? Exists towards the ‘good friend’ end of the continuum, before that there is merely interest and curiosity and resonance, and increasingly along the continuum: affection and a sense of closeness, stronger energetic ‘sparks’.
Requirements: respect, acceptance, openness, truthfulness, trust.
Am I my own friend?
Starting again. Where am I, inside, on this – all those lines/thoughts seem too ‘from my head’. Go inside! It's a feeling in my 4th. Not a good feeling there, norin my 2nd. So what are my bva’s re friendships right now? – true, meaningful friendships are fragile, not to be taken for granted, can ‘be misused’ if I impose demands - or vice versa; can ‘die’ if either partner in the f’ship breaks trust, betrays, is untruthful.
I feel friendships are precious goods, not to be squandered or harmed. Why? Without them my life would lose much of it’s shine. Is this true? am I just saying this? Why are friendships valuable? Compared to lots of people, I have few real friends, I can count them on my fingers (and toes, maybe) - but boy, do I ever value those friends. I LIKE/LOVE them. Do I NEED them?
Friends are reflections of some part of myself – I need them to see/hear/sense myself. Is that it?
On my own, I’m scared of – what? Not being able to ‘find’ myself, my edges, my depth? Not being able to keep myself interested – in my life?
If I had no friends . . . I’d find friends. Is this true? or would I go into a deep mode of feeling sorry for myself etc. and self-loathing etc. Why do my friends like me? stay 'with' me? what'd it be like without them? Certainly there's a part of me that fears losing them.
Standing alone – yes, I do, I can. So where do friends come into it? To play with, to reflect off of, to exchange with, to give and take with, to laugh and cry with. Even while I stand alone, and he/she stands alone. And yet we can be together too. Hmmmm.
Luxuriating in a friendship, trusting it; a possibility for me? Or am I always worrying that it’s fragile and a scarce commodity. Is it the friendship that’s vulnerable, or me and my sense of self-worth that's vulnerable? NO wonder I am fearful, can't let down my guard. Don't relax and fully enjoy.
To love someone else I have to love myself. To be a friend with someone, I have to be able to be my own friend. I know this; heard it often enough.
In a Quantum Universe, it’s not so complicated, not so scary.
He/she is a part of me, it's a holograph, I am him/her. So when my friends are me – how come I consider friendship to be such a fragile thing . . . ? something to guard and protect?
It’s because I’m ‘forgetting that it’s a quantum/holographic universe; I’m standing in a scarcity/danger position. I’m not trusting myself, and I’m underestimating the other’s ability to be ok, set their boundaries, fend for themselves – cuz they’re me and I underestimate myself. I'm fearful of imposing, of abusing the gift of friendship. Ultimately, I'm not sure I deserve it. I'm keeping myself small by keeping myself victim to these fears.
If/when I remember what I am and I stand in my own power, then my friends stand in theirs, and everything about Friendship changes for me. And the friendship can just be what it is, I don't have to guard, protect (control?!) or be fearful of it; it will develop and deepen, or not . . . not dangerously, just however it does. There is abundance in this world and a friendship is a safe ‘place’ – until it isn’t a friendship any more because for some reason the connection breaks/fizzles/disappears. The friendship/relationship ends; and I DON"T.
What’s friendship for ME?
A nominalization: for the energy flowing between two people which connects them with a warm, trusting, accepting, stimulating and supporting bond. No room for power or force, no victim/victor; it’s voluntary, and mutual; it’s open-ended. In friendship, there is possibility for any/every emotion to surface. Friendships can last a lifetime, or be of whatever length of time that the energy is maintained. Friendships can ebb and flow. Friendships can change in intensity.
It’s a continuum with acquaintance/casual friend at one end and really good, close friend at the other. The difference? Degrees of acceptance and intimacy. Areas of mutual interest and similar outlook and perceptions of the world are often present, more so with ‘good friends’; friendship between me and people with quite different bva’s and ways of living? – not so deep/close, but there is still a bond/attraction/energetic connection.
Love? Exists towards the ‘good friend’ end of the continuum, before that there is merely interest and curiosity and resonance, and increasingly along the continuum: affection and a sense of closeness, stronger energetic ‘sparks’.
Requirements: respect, acceptance, openness, truthfulness, trust.
Am I my own friend?
Starting again. Where am I, inside, on this – all those lines/thoughts seem too ‘from my head’. Go inside! It's a feeling in my 4th. Not a good feeling there, norin my 2nd. So what are my bva’s re friendships right now? – true, meaningful friendships are fragile, not to be taken for granted, can ‘be misused’ if I impose demands - or vice versa; can ‘die’ if either partner in the f’ship breaks trust, betrays, is untruthful.
I feel friendships are precious goods, not to be squandered or harmed. Why? Without them my life would lose much of it’s shine. Is this true? am I just saying this? Why are friendships valuable? Compared to lots of people, I have few real friends, I can count them on my fingers (and toes, maybe) - but boy, do I ever value those friends. I LIKE/LOVE them. Do I NEED them?
Friends are reflections of some part of myself – I need them to see/hear/sense myself. Is that it?
On my own, I’m scared of – what? Not being able to ‘find’ myself, my edges, my depth? Not being able to keep myself interested – in my life?
If I had no friends . . . I’d find friends. Is this true? or would I go into a deep mode of feeling sorry for myself etc. and self-loathing etc. Why do my friends like me? stay 'with' me? what'd it be like without them? Certainly there's a part of me that fears losing them.
Standing alone – yes, I do, I can. So where do friends come into it? To play with, to reflect off of, to exchange with, to give and take with, to laugh and cry with. Even while I stand alone, and he/she stands alone. And yet we can be together too. Hmmmm.
Luxuriating in a friendship, trusting it; a possibility for me? Or am I always worrying that it’s fragile and a scarce commodity. Is it the friendship that’s vulnerable, or me and my sense of self-worth that's vulnerable? NO wonder I am fearful, can't let down my guard. Don't relax and fully enjoy.
To love someone else I have to love myself. To be a friend with someone, I have to be able to be my own friend. I know this; heard it often enough.
In a Quantum Universe, it’s not so complicated, not so scary.
He/she is a part of me, it's a holograph, I am him/her. So when my friends are me – how come I consider friendship to be such a fragile thing . . . ? something to guard and protect?
It’s because I’m ‘forgetting that it’s a quantum/holographic universe; I’m standing in a scarcity/danger position. I’m not trusting myself, and I’m underestimating the other’s ability to be ok, set their boundaries, fend for themselves – cuz they’re me and I underestimate myself. I'm fearful of imposing, of abusing the gift of friendship. Ultimately, I'm not sure I deserve it. I'm keeping myself small by keeping myself victim to these fears.
If/when I remember what I am and I stand in my own power, then my friends stand in theirs, and everything about Friendship changes for me. And the friendship can just be what it is, I don't have to guard, protect (control?!) or be fearful of it; it will develop and deepen, or not . . . not dangerously, just however it does. There is abundance in this world and a friendship is a safe ‘place’ – until it isn’t a friendship any more because for some reason the connection breaks/fizzles/disappears. The friendship/relationship ends; and I DON"T.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
YuuuuHuuuu
I’ve been back in Ottawa for almost 2 weeks – why haven’t I written here yet?
And why did I gravitate to the laptop now instead of grabbing my book, as I thought I would when I dried my hands and left the kitchen with a cup of tea? I’ve too many thoughts rumbling around, and no idea where to start writing. Part of ‘not writing yet’ has to do with a belief that before I can blog I have to have my thoughts clear and figured out, so they’ll look good in print. Anything else is journaling, talking out loud, rambling – and somewhere in me is a belief that I shouldn’t do that in public. After all, I might be boring the reader, or expose the mundaneness of my thought patterns – or both, and more.
If I stick with this belief-ridden conversation for a moment and don’t just brush it off because it’s getting uncomfortable, I see in what I’ve just written that I’m assuming that there will be judgemental readers with no self-preservation skills (is it my job to save her/him from boredom?); and that I have expectations of my ‘writing’ –that it should meet a standard; only then will I consider it worthy of being posted on the blogsite. What does this say about me? Lots. I’m reminding myself of my life-long effort to appear ‘smart’ or at least ‘interesting’ and of the corollary, my dislike of feeling stupid. I see my presupposition that others will be judging me (not just reading me with an open mind and heart) and its corollary: my desire to be accepted, included, not rejected.
I guess THIS is why I was drawn to blogging tonight – I guess I wanted to remind myself of aspects that are a part of me, habits and thought patterns that I developed because they were intelligent for me. And to make me aware again that these are not serving me any more, that they are keeping me small and silent, and goddammit, remind me that I actually KNOW that that’s not who/what I’m going to be any more. But old thought patterns come alive again when/if I’m not paying attention.
So, moving on from that, what leaps to mind to write about now is the image from one of the discussions that came up at Sheila’s group yesterday: Women in Powerful Conversations. In it, I am peeking out from behind a wall. What I see now, after the session yesterday, is that while I know much more clearly what I do NOT want to do, believe, fear, think any more, it’s only a first step and yet I’ve been hiding behind it, not moving forward and exploring all, or even just some of the possibilities that I’m gradually starting to realize that I DO want to create in my life.
As I write, I realize I’m again falling into my own trap of being hard on myself. In fact I HAVE made some big steps toward creating something more meaningful for me; I’m often amazed, astounded, thrilled and proud of the changes around me and in me. And I know I am not only the person playing hide and seek with myself, I am also an explorer – albeit a cautious and confused one. An explorer in hiding – now there’s an oxymoron!
The image of ‘hiding behind what I know I don’t want’ resonated with me for a good reason yesterday, I am sure, and I’m going to stay with some of the questions it raises for a while and see how powerful they might be. Actually, it’s not the questions that will be potent, it’s the feeling I have now in my body that speaks of fire and curiosity and movement. I’ve been hiding because I want to know what’s around the corner before venturing forth. It’s not a new awareness, this knowing that I ‘need to know’, but by creating opportunities to repeat it to myself often, and again here, I’m getting closer to actually accepting ‘not knowing’. It’s becoming increasingly clear (and the intensity in my body right now makes me realize I’m on to something relevant for me here!) that I will not, and cannot know what’s around the corner until I go there. Peeking isn’t enough, it doesn’t get me there. And there’s nobody stopping me from emerging into the open but myself; that’s clear too.
I’ll stay with my fire, curiosity and movement, enjoy them, and see where they take me.
And why did I gravitate to the laptop now instead of grabbing my book, as I thought I would when I dried my hands and left the kitchen with a cup of tea? I’ve too many thoughts rumbling around, and no idea where to start writing. Part of ‘not writing yet’ has to do with a belief that before I can blog I have to have my thoughts clear and figured out, so they’ll look good in print. Anything else is journaling, talking out loud, rambling – and somewhere in me is a belief that I shouldn’t do that in public. After all, I might be boring the reader, or expose the mundaneness of my thought patterns – or both, and more.
If I stick with this belief-ridden conversation for a moment and don’t just brush it off because it’s getting uncomfortable, I see in what I’ve just written that I’m assuming that there will be judgemental readers with no self-preservation skills (is it my job to save her/him from boredom?); and that I have expectations of my ‘writing’ –that it should meet a standard; only then will I consider it worthy of being posted on the blogsite. What does this say about me? Lots. I’m reminding myself of my life-long effort to appear ‘smart’ or at least ‘interesting’ and of the corollary, my dislike of feeling stupid. I see my presupposition that others will be judging me (not just reading me with an open mind and heart) and its corollary: my desire to be accepted, included, not rejected.
I guess THIS is why I was drawn to blogging tonight – I guess I wanted to remind myself of aspects that are a part of me, habits and thought patterns that I developed because they were intelligent for me. And to make me aware again that these are not serving me any more, that they are keeping me small and silent, and goddammit, remind me that I actually KNOW that that’s not who/what I’m going to be any more. But old thought patterns come alive again when/if I’m not paying attention.
So, moving on from that, what leaps to mind to write about now is the image from one of the discussions that came up at Sheila’s group yesterday: Women in Powerful Conversations. In it, I am peeking out from behind a wall. What I see now, after the session yesterday, is that while I know much more clearly what I do NOT want to do, believe, fear, think any more, it’s only a first step and yet I’ve been hiding behind it, not moving forward and exploring all, or even just some of the possibilities that I’m gradually starting to realize that I DO want to create in my life.
As I write, I realize I’m again falling into my own trap of being hard on myself. In fact I HAVE made some big steps toward creating something more meaningful for me; I’m often amazed, astounded, thrilled and proud of the changes around me and in me. And I know I am not only the person playing hide and seek with myself, I am also an explorer – albeit a cautious and confused one. An explorer in hiding – now there’s an oxymoron!
The image of ‘hiding behind what I know I don’t want’ resonated with me for a good reason yesterday, I am sure, and I’m going to stay with some of the questions it raises for a while and see how powerful they might be. Actually, it’s not the questions that will be potent, it’s the feeling I have now in my body that speaks of fire and curiosity and movement. I’ve been hiding because I want to know what’s around the corner before venturing forth. It’s not a new awareness, this knowing that I ‘need to know’, but by creating opportunities to repeat it to myself often, and again here, I’m getting closer to actually accepting ‘not knowing’. It’s becoming increasingly clear (and the intensity in my body right now makes me realize I’m on to something relevant for me here!) that I will not, and cannot know what’s around the corner until I go there. Peeking isn’t enough, it doesn’t get me there. And there’s nobody stopping me from emerging into the open but myself; that’s clear too.
I’ll stay with my fire, curiosity and movement, enjoy them, and see where they take me.
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