Distrust

That did it! just that one word at the right moment.
I was bopping along after a wonderful morning so far - great walk through the early Sunday market streets, delicious coffee at home afterwards, 'nother walk with a close friend. I was getting ready to paint and on an impulse, I checked my emails. Following a link to what Louise posted today . I started reading with interest, reading with my head I suppose. Until I reached the second paragraph where she lists a few powerful words we've all heard millions of times: Rage. Outrage! Grief. Resentment. Distrust. Self-loathing. I didn't even make it to 'self-loathing'. The enormous wave of energy that surged through me as 'distrust' went from the screen to my body (not my head) was quite something; and it continued for a while, in waves. Thankfully I knew to let it move, to relax my body and keep breathing and I welcomed the power and strength of the sensations in my body as it went through the process of (long overdue!) awareness and acceptance and integration of the vibration of distrust.
For me, now that my body has somewhat stabilised, the nominalisation brings to mind lots of images of people and situations and stories that I knew, or more accurately sensed, at the time I couldn't trust, were not 'honest'. The charge in the word has dissipated although I sense there is lots of rage and outrage still in me that's related to the theme that I will be integrating as the day/week continues. I HOPE I will, for sure; I've been limiting myself by keeping them hidden 'n quiet (as I was taught to do - by people I trusted).
The first insight has been: no wonder trusting myself is often such a leap of faith when DIStrust has been so potent in my life. And no wonder I spent enormous effort to create a space for me that I could trust, feel safe in - which wasn't ever that because 'distrust' still drove my bus. Am I making sense? - seems circular, but I'll just keep writing. So limiting, so full of fear. oooof, rage and outrage rise in me at the realisation.
And the second insight is: no wonder I'm on an honesty whatever the cost path now, and have been for a while. The connection to 'distrust' wasn't clear to me before; what I sense now is that my Self however, did! And my urgent need for honesty that's grown to huge proportions over the last few years, my recent willingness to decloak to myself and others has probably been an out-of-awareness surge for survival of my innerself; I finally hear, accept and yes, even though it's been a rollercoaster - TRUST myself.
Third - and last for now as I sense I'm still shaking an this 'insight' is a fuzzy one: Louise's often repeated wise recommendation: "you hear what you hear, see what you see and know what you know" was truly greek to me 3 years ago. My layers and layers of a callous of distrust (I'm seeing today) blocked those words from REALLY touching me. And it certainly wasn't how I'd lived my life. I've not been aware of just how well I'd allowed myself to not see/hear/know - I guess because I wanted to trust but knew deep down inside I couldn't/shouldn't - what I was being told/shown didn't match with my reality.
I know my distrust goes far far back into my early youth; it feels really old - and I'm not going to investigate why or when; it's not relevant. I'm going to let whatever's rumbling today about all this keep moving, though; i don't think the waves are over. I probably shouldn't even be posting this blog - on the other hand, why hide my confusion and excitement any longer? I can trust them, and myself.