Fear Of and Fear For

Both can be real handicaps in a mother-daughter relationship, and last night the realization that they have been shaping my life since Vicky was born (maybe even since her conception?) rolled through me last night like a tank with all guns firing. I’d often bantered about being scared of Vicky’s reactions – but now I know I wasn’t fooling, I’d only fooled myself enough to be able to bury it for 38 years. After all, I ‘knew’ that children are loveable, not fearful. I’m aware now that Vicky was both, to me.

I feared her moods, her sometimes brutal honesty, and her sharp criticism; they disrupted our illusion of a ‘happy family’, disturbed the equilibrium I sought, and pointed out my/our shortcomings. I see now that if I’d understood those aspects of Vicky as expressions of herself, an authentic self, I could have learned a lot –from her words and by her speaking-her-truth example. I’m aware (now) that her anger, hurt and opinions are hers and to be engaged by her; that I felt ‘under attack’ was my response in my body and had origins in my youth and development, unrelated to Vicky.
It was huge for me to realize last night that in my relationship with Vicky I was working from a base of fear and ‘containment’; I was trying to mitigate, mediate, control situations and outcomes.

And my love for her, and my basic position in the danger/scarcity camp ensured that I was also fearful for her as she was growing up, of course, and well beyond. And my tendency, until starting the Wel-Systems programs almost two years ago, was to try to protect her from anything I perceived to be looming ominously on her horizon. Obviously I couldn’t and didn’t prevent anything – but I nonetheless would advise/warn about something I felt relevant to her ‘safety’, perform tasks to assist her, and so on – well beyond motherly-‘normal’ and necessary. I thought I was acting/thinking out of love, out of caring – with a bit of A Mother’s Responsibility included. And I persisted, even though she has demonstrated a zillion times that she’s extremely capable of looking after herself.

In case the impression I’m giving is of a tormented and unhappy relationship, it isn’t. We have shared innumerable wonderful experiences together, and are sharing the cottage this summer, with enjoyment, ease and mutual respect for each other’s needs and wishes. My ‘original fear’ that our relationship could be as meaningless for me, and for her, as the one between mine and my mother is for me, seems to NOT be the case, thankfully! I definitely feel a strong bond of love and caring. Notwithstanding, we have created a pattern in which we tread very carefully around each other, keep our respective silences and respect each other’s ‘privacy’ with amazing (in retrospect) diligence/caution.

When I woke up this morning after a short but good sleep, I wondered if my memory of the night’s tears and anguish, and attempts to breathe and ride the surf, were imagined. But I know they weren’t – because Vicky sounds and looks quite different to me this morning, and I feel very different. Is there a word for a new-found absence of fear? In my body, it’s close to ‘calm’ and ‘open’ and ‘relieved’.

What this discovery will mean, I don’t know. Once Vicky’s children are in bed tonight, I will tell her over dinner what I’ve learned about myself. If she doesn’t run off screaming, scared as hell by ME, of ME, it could be the beginning of a good conversation. I look forward to it, without fear OF her, or FOR her, or fear of where it might lead.