Time Inbetween

A momentary lull in my day, and I’m drawn to writing, without any idea what. – As I wrote ‘lull’ I instantly wondered why I don’t consider lots more of my time ‘a lull”. By outward appearances, it must seem to many people that I have loads of lulls in my day/week. Who knows, and who cares.
What’s lull-like for ME in this moment; why is lots of my day not lullish? I think it’s a perception, a sense of enough space, an internal measurement of ‘enough time’, an unspecified moment or event between tasks, actions, events. It has an ‘unallocated’ nature that includes a sense of freedom and luxury for me. And it’s linked to guilt, I’m realizing as I write, because lulls are unproductive of course! And inefficient. And in my culturally conditioned beliefs, ‘wasting time’ is never a good thing. Is that why when I’m about to enter a lull, when I sense there might be short unallocated period of time ahead of me, now that I’m more aware of my body, I notice a sinking at the pit of my stomach, an unpleasant feeling? And quickly decide to DO SOMETHING, whether it’s urgent or not, even necessary or not, to fill that space, to relief the uncomfortable sensation in my body?

Stolen . . . leaps to mind. Lulls, if I let them happen, can also seem like down-time that I've taken illicitly, something that must to be hidden from others, or camouflaged in a cloak of usefulness of some sort. Sort of selfish time, time for myself - o no! time. Oouufff. I wasn't aware of this piece of cumbersome baggage I carry! No wonder I have a hard time goofing-off, luxuriating or playing . . . if I have to hide it, cover it up, pretend. Who's ever enjoyed being stealthily playful? Seems like an oxymoron. I realise now that probably somewhere inside I've been equating playtime with an extended lull.

The word choice just flashed into my mind – Of course! Lulls can be choice points – major or minor, but moments when I can actually mindfully choose where to put my next step – if I don’t just fill them quickly to distract myself from the chance to choose. They can be moments to savour the flavour of my life and to change the direction/flow if the current taste isn’t working for me. I can create lulls, allow lulls to happen; I don’t need to avoid lulls or to shorten the lull-time in between ‘tasks’ or events. I don’t need to kid myself that I’m worthy because I’m efficient, effective, I’m accomplishing something - because I’d learned that doing something is ‘good’ and that time not-getting-something-done is wasted/bad. What a crazy belief! Yes, time is precious, yes MY time as me on this planet will run out AND yes I can spend it in ways that I choose to, that serve me. I can even play. I can waste it if that’s what others call what I’m doing (i.e. not doing). I won’t feel uncomfortable/naughty anymore. I'm hoping this isn't just a 'resolution' in my head i.e. I hope this is moving through my cells as I write - something is! Another layer of the guilt vs. luxuriate/enjoy millefeuille that I am?
This lull has served me . . . I’ve learned a bit more about my limiting beliefs. It’s been a Good Lull. I’m going to bring ‘em on and indulge! Notice lulls and play with them, see them for what they are, not for what I’ve believed for so long that they represent and say about me.