I'm getting so good at 'booking out' when whatever's going on doesn't feel good (to ME) - who'd 'uv thought I could be so 'selfish' and impolite, eh? I'm still helpful at times, and still do most of the laundry and a large part of the groceries and 'adult-food' cooking 'round here, but when the conversations lag 'n drag, or the kiddie noise level gets even slightly way-too-much-for-me, I vamoose. Works for me!
I've been reading Brian Greene's 'The Fabric of the Cosmos'- which is amazing. The book is amazing, but it's also truly amazing that I'm reading it. Never having had any school physics is maybe in my favour as I don't have to UNlearn anything. But 'the universe' is far beyond anything I thought I was interested in! I'd never been interested in the night sky - it seemed to be about memorising names and getting interested in configurations that are recognisable and "i should know', neither of which did it for me (especially as I've been short-sighted since I was 12). Now THERE's a metaphor i want to get curious about (later!). The book has fascinated me because for the first time I'm reading a somewhat easy-to-understand explanation of currently accepted theories about, as the cover says: space, time and the texture of reality. The 'fundamental nature of the universe' is WAY bigger than my focus had ever wandered: my reading over the last 40 years, when not novels and the news, and the New Yorker, had been about current politics and economics, international development, sustainable cities and social history and geography. All here/now issues and Interesting Problems To Fix. And more recently I've been reading, mostly, books listed on or leading out of from to the Wel-Systems Institute suggestions that are more 'scientific' and are certainly getting me into areas I'd known NOTHING about : Bruce Lipton, Candace Pert, Lynne McTaggart, Ervin Laszlo. (See wel-systems.com) So I suppose the progression outward to 'the universe' has been a 'logical' expansion of my horizon, but i still find it amazing that I can hardly put Brian Greene's book down . . . And next on my pile is Michio Kaku and Stanislas Grof.
No wonder I'm booking out of as many boring and/or mundane conversations as I can, 'round here and r econsidering how 'ehlpful' I'm going to be. - There are SO MANY other ways to have a good time and stretch my imagination.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Peeling off another layer of an old story
I've neither blogged nor journaled since the EF:EW week in June.
All the options seemed too slow as the thoughts and insights whizzed past. But that's the trouble . .
they whizzed past and I have to trust that as each thought/awareness
passed through me it left a piece o' the popcorn IN me, and that when
I need it it'll be there for me.
Many of the 'insights' were useful at the time, certainly; some of the
thoughts were NO MORE OF THIS dammit - and I think those'll stick as
they came with fire. I'm still finding 'new' evidence my amazing and
long track-record of tolerating stuff that is way beyond tolerable; I
notice each time - and it happens frequently, I'm horrified to see,
that I'm left with: I really dunno what 'no more of this' will mean,
but i'll soon find out! It's invigourating . . . whereas the
'intolerable' was debilitating (I NOW realise). No wonder I had 'no
energy' and 3rd chakra symptoms for years!
Some of my whizzing thoughts were clearly results of the EF:EW
discussions: e.g. what I create IS and expression of me and I haven't
been making that connection. And now, when I do, it's pretty damn
amazing to actually see ME in the vase - instead of seeing 'just' a
lovely colourful cheerful satisfying bunch of flowers that I'd put on
the table.
Earlier today - which seems as far back as I can retrieve specific
content! - I had a huge surge of an old familiar feeling that I didn't
like. I got out of the house and after letting it move through me, I
sensed it had to do with waking up to the now-undeniable truth that
'I'm 'NOT fitting in', I am truly out of place here. I also sensed
that my strong dislike of the feeling in my body was because it came
from the deeper, very strong fear . . . if I don't fit in, then what?
Nothing Good in that for me! I'll be on the outside, looking in,
disliked, rejected, abandoned - or worse.
Eyes wide open, I looked out in front of me at the early morning view
and breathed the cool air and felt the warming sun on my body, and
welcomed the realisation: This is/I am ME, now, July 4 2008, and if I
don't fit in, so what. And it felt good. It felt great to know I'm me
and ok, in fact. It was clear that nothing about 'not fitting in' is
fearful; that's an old childhood-based fear in fact. And also, in
fact, Not Fitting In is more than ok, it's empowering. Fitting In
brings 'too small a box' to mind, or pretzeling myself, or cutting off
the parts of myself that are too big/ that don't fit. WHY would I ever
want to do that, eh? So to hell with what's going on here on with
who's here that I wanted to fit in with (PAST tense, notice!). ALL I'm
going to do is to make sure I'm creating an environment for me, a here
and now, where I enjoy being here being me.
At the EB level, that meant that I made myself a coffee and some
cereal, ate it alone on the porch, picked and arranged the last of the
peonies - making the house look the way I wanted it to right then,
set up my paints for the first time in a couple of weeks and splashed
and swirled reds and yellows over a page. Ultimately it's probably not
big enough here and now for me, but at least today's here and now is
MINE and that's a huge beginning. I sense it'll grow as I allow it to.
At a 'higher' level, I was clear/am clear that I'm in a different
space than this morning - and it feels much better - geesh, why can't
I write 'wonderful' or shout whoppeeee at you all out there . . . Surely I
can give myself permission to toot my own horn now? Yep, I can. Heh.
Block your ears, ladies! It feel #(*$&#$^*^^ great!
The penny is REALLY dropping again - even tho' I thought I'd got it
well enough (!) in Oceanstone - I was so well-conditioned to Trying To
Fit IN that I'd missed the point: that there's actually nothing out
there to Fit In To . . . it's a whole safety/acceptance/worthiness
story I'd built for myself. The myth of 'the group', the family, the
marriage, The Rock. And how many more invitations will I have to give
myself before I've truly got it???
Proof; Everyone else (Stefan, my daughter, the 4 grandchildren and the
great teenaged day-sitter) has gone about their own day, from the
looks of it they're happy to be themselves in their own reality. They
are all them - individual godforces doing their own things.
And I am ME in my 'reality' . . . where there's space and moving air
and vibrant colours ( if/when I don't try to fit in to their
realities). And I've no idea what the afternoon now holds for me, but
it won't be a case of me fitting in. I Promise (myself).
All the options seemed too slow as the thoughts and insights whizzed past. But that's the trouble . .
they whizzed past and I have to trust that as each thought/awareness
passed through me it left a piece o' the popcorn IN me, and that when
I need it it'll be there for me.
Many of the 'insights' were useful at the time, certainly; some of the
thoughts were NO MORE OF THIS dammit - and I think those'll stick as
they came with fire. I'm still finding 'new' evidence my amazing and
long track-record of tolerating stuff that is way beyond tolerable; I
notice each time - and it happens frequently, I'm horrified to see,
that I'm left with: I really dunno what 'no more of this' will mean,
but i'll soon find out! It's invigourating . . . whereas the
'intolerable' was debilitating (I NOW realise). No wonder I had 'no
energy' and 3rd chakra symptoms for years!
Some of my whizzing thoughts were clearly results of the EF:EW
discussions: e.g. what I create IS and expression of me and I haven't
been making that connection. And now, when I do, it's pretty damn
amazing to actually see ME in the vase - instead of seeing 'just' a
lovely colourful cheerful satisfying bunch of flowers that I'd put on
the table.
Earlier today - which seems as far back as I can retrieve specific
content! - I had a huge surge of an old familiar feeling that I didn't
like. I got out of the house and after letting it move through me, I
sensed it had to do with waking up to the now-undeniable truth that
'I'm 'NOT fitting in', I am truly out of place here. I also sensed
that my strong dislike of the feeling in my body was because it came
from the deeper, very strong fear . . . if I don't fit in, then what?
Nothing Good in that for me! I'll be on the outside, looking in,
disliked, rejected, abandoned - or worse.
Eyes wide open, I looked out in front of me at the early morning view
and breathed the cool air and felt the warming sun on my body, and
welcomed the realisation: This is/I am ME, now, July 4 2008, and if I
don't fit in, so what. And it felt good. It felt great to know I'm me
and ok, in fact. It was clear that nothing about 'not fitting in' is
fearful; that's an old childhood-based fear in fact. And also, in
fact, Not Fitting In is more than ok, it's empowering. Fitting In
brings 'too small a box' to mind, or pretzeling myself, or cutting off
the parts of myself that are too big/ that don't fit. WHY would I ever
want to do that, eh? So to hell with what's going on here on with
who's here that I wanted to fit in with (PAST tense, notice!). ALL I'm
going to do is to make sure I'm creating an environment for me, a here
and now, where I enjoy being here being me.
At the EB level, that meant that I made myself a coffee and some
cereal, ate it alone on the porch, picked and arranged the last of the
peonies - making the house look the way I wanted it to right then,
set up my paints for the first time in a couple of weeks and splashed
and swirled reds and yellows over a page. Ultimately it's probably not
big enough here and now for me, but at least today's here and now is
MINE and that's a huge beginning. I sense it'll grow as I allow it to.
At a 'higher' level, I was clear/am clear that I'm in a different
space than this morning - and it feels much better - geesh, why can't
I write 'wonderful' or shout whoppeeee at you all out there . . . Surely I
can give myself permission to toot my own horn now? Yep, I can. Heh.
Block your ears, ladies! It feel #(*$&#$^*^^ great!
The penny is REALLY dropping again - even tho' I thought I'd got it
well enough (!) in Oceanstone - I was so well-conditioned to Trying To
Fit IN that I'd missed the point: that there's actually nothing out
there to Fit In To . . . it's a whole safety/acceptance/worthiness
story I'd built for myself. The myth of 'the group', the family, the
marriage, The Rock. And how many more invitations will I have to give
myself before I've truly got it???
Proof; Everyone else (Stefan, my daughter, the 4 grandchildren and the
great teenaged day-sitter) has gone about their own day, from the
looks of it they're happy to be themselves in their own reality. They
are all them - individual godforces doing their own things.
And I am ME in my 'reality' . . . where there's space and moving air
and vibrant colours ( if/when I don't try to fit in to their
realities). And I've no idea what the afternoon now holds for me, but
it won't be a case of me fitting in. I Promise (myself).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)