Peeling off another layer of an old story

I've neither blogged nor journaled since the EF:EW week in June.
All the options seemed too slow as the thoughts and insights whizzed past. But that's the trouble . .
they whizzed past and I have to trust that as each thought/awareness
passed through me it left a piece o' the popcorn IN me, and that when
I need it it'll be there for me.
Many of the 'insights' were useful at the time, certainly; some of the
thoughts were NO MORE OF THIS dammit - and I think those'll stick as
they came with fire. I'm still finding 'new' evidence my amazing and
long track-record of tolerating stuff that is way beyond tolerable; I
notice each time - and it happens frequently, I'm horrified to see,
that I'm left with: I really dunno what 'no more of this' will mean,
but i'll soon find out! It's invigourating . . . whereas the
'intolerable' was debilitating (I NOW realise). No wonder I had 'no
energy' and 3rd chakra symptoms for years!
Some of my whizzing thoughts were clearly results of the EF:EW
discussions: e.g. what I create IS and expression of me and I haven't
been making that connection. And now, when I do, it's pretty damn
amazing to actually see ME in the vase - instead of seeing 'just' a
lovely colourful cheerful satisfying bunch of flowers that I'd put on
the table.
Earlier today - which seems as far back as I can retrieve specific
content! - I had a huge surge of an old familiar feeling that I didn't
like. I got out of the house and after letting it move through me, I
sensed it had to do with waking up to the now-undeniable truth that
'I'm 'NOT fitting in', I am truly out of place here. I also sensed
that my strong dislike of the feeling in my body was because it came
from the deeper, very strong fear . . . if I don't fit in, then what?
Nothing Good in that for me! I'll be on the outside, looking in,
disliked, rejected, abandoned - or worse.
Eyes wide open, I looked out in front of me at the early morning view
and breathed the cool air and felt the warming sun on my body, and
welcomed the realisation: This is/I am ME, now, July 4 2008, and if I
don't fit in, so what. And it felt good. It felt great to know I'm me
and ok, in fact. It was clear that nothing about 'not fitting in' is
fearful; that's an old childhood-based fear in fact. And also, in
fact, Not Fitting In is more than ok, it's empowering. Fitting In
brings 'too small a box' to mind, or pretzeling myself, or cutting off
the parts of myself that are too big/ that don't fit. WHY would I ever
want to do that, eh? So to hell with what's going on here on with
who's here that I wanted to fit in with (PAST tense, notice!). ALL I'm
going to do is to make sure I'm creating an environment for me, a here
and now, where I enjoy being here being me.
At the EB level, that meant that I made myself a coffee and some
cereal, ate it alone on the porch, picked and arranged the last of the
peonies - making the house look the way I wanted it to right then,
set up my paints for the first time in a couple of weeks and splashed
and swirled reds and yellows over a page. Ultimately it's probably not
big enough here and now for me, but at least today's here and now is
MINE and that's a huge beginning. I sense it'll grow as I allow it to.
At a 'higher' level, I was clear/am clear that I'm in a different
space than this morning - and it feels much better - geesh, why can't
I write 'wonderful' or shout whoppeeee at you all out there . . . Surely I
can give myself permission to toot my own horn now? Yep, I can. Heh.
Block your ears, ladies! It feel #(*$&#$^*^^ great!
The penny is REALLY dropping again - even tho' I thought I'd got it
well enough (!) in Oceanstone - I was so well-conditioned to Trying To
Fit IN that I'd missed the point: that there's actually nothing out
there to Fit In To . . . it's a whole safety/acceptance/worthiness
story I'd built for myself. The myth of 'the group', the family, the
marriage, The Rock. And how many more invitations will I have to give
myself before I've truly got it???
Proof; Everyone else (Stefan, my daughter, the 4 grandchildren and the
great teenaged day-sitter) has gone about their own day, from the
looks of it they're happy to be themselves in their own reality. They
are all them - individual godforces doing their own things.
And I am ME in my 'reality' . . . where there's space and moving air
and vibrant colours ( if/when I don't try to fit in to their
realities). And I've no idea what the afternoon now holds for me, but
it won't be a case of me fitting in. I Promise (myself).