Moving ON

Earlier today, I wrote this piece (below) in Word, and tried to post it on my blog (my ex-blog now: http://frominside.wordpress.com) . . . which refused to let me post anything new. Having fully recovered from the shock and awe of rejection, I've opened this new site, on Blogger - with hopes that there will be no blips.
Opening the new site was, in fact, easy - although at registration, all the names I dreamt up for myself have already been taken . . . which shows the predictability of blog names, maybe - and how my own uniqueness (!) is all relative: I tried "words and thoughts'; "in this moment"; "new leaves"; even 'Steppping Stones' wasn't available. And so it's Yippee for me, for the next while. And it seems appropriate for the phase I'm in and that's good too!

Since writing "Choices" this morning, I have found Anita's HUGE post, and love the paradox conversationwhich has rumbled inside me, colourfully - it's making my day much more interesting:

"Paradox, for me, exists as an infinite range of colour and shades. Different hues and intensities are all part of the range that exists within paradox. . . .
My comfort with paradox is not because I'm unwilling to take a stand or that I'm afraid of making a choice - although there have been many times when I questioned whether this was indeed a factor. No, I believe my comfort with paradox is that fact that I have become quite comfortable with the range of shades in between. It seems to be this space that holds exponential potential if I am willing to wander there. What emerges is often surprising and delightful and larger than the paradoxical situation itself."

I'll close on that resonating stuff (thanks Anita!), and I'll let this morning's piece 'stand on it's own'; some of you have already recieved it by email - when I just couldn't give up! Although it feels like a long time ago that I wrote 'Choices', I still recognise ME in it - and I'm glad! I'm still happy, and it's leaking out in fun, and surprising ways.

Choices - on a Saturday Morning

So if I can’t even make a decision about what I want to do today – how will I ever . . .
And then – why choose, just see what happens, especially since all my options are really pleasant and could be wonderful. With the result that I’m here in front of my screen; none of the other options seem as magnetic in this instant.

Minutes ago, I had just tried to stall’ any decision-making by checking in on the Wel-Sys-blogs, only to find stuff I’d already seen, which made me feel lonely – as if no one was talking to me, and then wonder what EVERYONE else is doing that keeps them away from writing, and then wondering why I feel I ‘need’ new pieces from y’all when what’s posted is so great and certainly worth re-reading (knowing I’m a different person today so would read them ‘like new’ . . . and. . .
And here I am, not having re-read anything, just seeing what unfolds with my morning.

Recently, the weeks have flown past, and it’s been All Good, even the rockier sections. I’ve set myself up for some surprises and relished them as Signs Of Life. I’ve popped with insights, and wished I could tell the world because they were such revelations for me. And I’ve just sat and breathed for long spaces of time (wondering What’s UP? Is this OK? etc. if I just sit and be. And it was ok, in fact very very ok. And that was a surprise too.

I don’t usually say this out loud but here goes: I’m happy inside. Restless and unfocussed but certainly alive, and it feels good. (Maybe that’s why I just wrote that I’m happy. Maybe it’s that I feel good, and equate that with h’ness.) And as well, so often I’m impatient or intolerant of what’s going on around me as it’s not in synch with what’s important to me – ‘life’s too short’ etc. EVEN THOUGH I know that time is abundant and there’s an intelligence to being in spaces that don’t feel in synch . . . and I can’t be specific about ‘what’s important to me’ . . . and there are choices I can make . . .

One of the popping themes/insights this week has been a combo along the line of ‘taking a stand’, resisting as a way I move through the world (even if ‘my position’ is only whispered inside of me and not overt, spoken, acted on) and the possibility that I could move myself (reposition myself) along the continuum and just allow and stand in a more gentle, receptive place. Obviously this isn’t rocket science, but it was a huge pop for me – and it hit while I was on the massage table receiving an extremely ‘soft’ treatment. Formerly, I would have begged the therapist to push harder, and she would have; this time I just went wow, there’s stuff for me to feel here, be aware of, that I’ve never felt/discovered in myself before. And this has been sitting with me for days, as numerous similar invitations, topics, images and references keep hitting me between the eyes. Gentleness isn’t weakness, nor is a show of strength or resistance always useful! Was I taking a stand in order to prove to myself that I’m here? That I’m not stupid and irrelevant and worse? Sort of like making lists and ticking off completed tasks; or anything that’s results oriented, for the sake of showing an outcome? Seems limiting, certainly. Seems, as I write, like a finite game - that I’m waking up to!

I’ll be gentle with myself now, and not berate ol’ me for not having popped/woken up/allowed/received years ago, wasted so many opportunities etc. etc. etc. And move into a wonderful, sunny Saturday not knowing AT ALL how it will unfold after I push the ‘publish’ button now. I’ll let my happiness that’s inside leak out, and see what that looks when it’s exposed to the air. And see how it’ll float, and where it’ll take me.