Driving yesterday, I listened to Margaret Visser’s CBC Massey Lectures “Beyond Fate’ that had fascinating discussions on time and space that seemed meant for me after my musings the day before. I have had these recorded lectures on my shelf for 2 years – how come I chose to listen to them yesterday?! Syncronicity at work! The rest of the innumerable topics she touches on were mind-stretching too and I was very aware how much I love to have my intellect tickled and nudged. Margaret’s accent made me giggle, it seems so exaggerated and from another time and place (the Commonwealth of my youth, maybe). And her thoughts and thought-processes made me sit up straight and quiver with delight.
Yesterday’s birthday-celebration over asian lunch in Montreal with my the two ‘ol buddies (whom I wrote about on Tuesday) was less ‘intellectual’ but was nonetheless as mind-stretching, vibrant and energizing as Visser’s tickling had been. I felt comfy and ‘safe’, very welcome and totally accepted ‘as is’. With the result that I could be ME and enjoy the companionship and yes, invite and allow aloha-like. It happens more often now, and I’m grateful whenever it does.
Yesterday, there didn’t seem to be any ‘need’ or reason to tell S. And J. about my blogsite. After blogging about them on Tuesday I had realized that, in fact, I do feel ‘decloaked’ with them and I know that when the topic is relevant that I WILL give them my url and tell them what blogging means for me as part of the Wel-Systems community. For now, it doesn’t seem like something I want to switch the conversation towards in order to let them know that I’m a blogger; it seems to be making too much of a deal about it. When I do want to, I’m confident that I’ll manifest the opportune occasion. For now, it seems enough for me to know that I’m happy to be a blogger, and it doesn’t feel dishonest if I don’t tell them about this part of my life..
Hmmmm. I’m belabouring this point, aren’t I?? Maybe there’s more behind this than I’m willing to be honest WITH MYSELF about . . . Maybe I’ll just email them my url and end this conversation with myself!
Back to yesterday – after all, that’s my topic!
When I arrived at the cottage after roadrunning through the Quebec landscape (lunch was en route), the scene was glorious. The weather was still hot and summery, the landscape was green and luscious, the smells were late-summer fragrant, and Stefan was happily drafting a house – a project which he’s enjoying. I was glad to be there.
Our evening disintegrated into a dumb, familiar contest of ‘who’s right’ and ‘why did I insist’ etc which I regretted. After we’d each retreated to our own corners on the ring and called a truce, I started to contemplate that I had created the ‘scene’ for a reason, that every thing unfolds as it should, and in it’s own way, as unpleasant as I’d found the argument, that it would ultimately teach me something more about myself when I let the penny drop. At the very least I’ve discovered another trigger/anchor in my arsenal of conditioned responses that doesn’t serve me any more.
All in all, my holodeck seemed pretty damn wonderful yesterday. And it still does today.
Reading Anita’s blog this morning reminded me that one of MY monsters usually visits with pangs of ‘do I deserve this’ too - and I realized, then, that yesterday my beast stayed away: I was simply receptive, grateful and thrilled; no guilt, no concern for consequences and whether it would last – just an awareness of a wonderful present state.
The prospect that the extinction of this particular monster could become a ‘new normal’ is very, very exciting!
So, yeah! for yesterday, yippeeee! for tomorrow. And for now, I’ll get serious about making the rest of today meaningful too.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Honesty, honestly!
Moving along in a 6-Day mindfulness is interesting . . . for me right now, it’s about being awake, and letting go, and allowing, and not knowing. It’s what I’ve been able to do more or less successfully since Wel-systems, but the ‘new context’ of the 6-Day scenario has added a different dimension; a useful space for me to play with, play in.
My sense of TIME, once again, seems wonky; I’ve had this before, and it’s noticeably strong again now. Some phone calls seem interminable even though they only last 13 minutes. Others seem really quick although they also lasted 13 minutes. (My phone shows me the length of a call, and I’ve started to notice it.) Today flew past, last night seemed long. A fire alarm in the building could be blamed, although standing outside on the sidewalk at I.30 on a balmy August night can’t be called suffering; there was no fire, no problem –except some fault in ‘the system’. What does that mean in, from a Wel-systems perspective? The residents chatted, compared ‘how’s your summer been’ stories and returned to their apartments with friendly ciaou’s or g’nights. I’ve no idea how long we were outside; the sound of the alarm went on ‘forever’ and the exhaust from the 3 firetrucks that stood, engines running, in the middle of the street at-the-ready was annoying (both the smell, the pollution and the waste of fuel) but that’s how ‘the system’ works according to the fire department’s protocols.
Systems seem to be a recurring word/concept for me tonight, don’t they?! And it’s about systems that aren’t ‘working’ for me, isn't it. Hmmmm.
What will tomorrow’s time-frame feel like, I wonder with curiosity, not concern. And will I bump up against other systems? I hope it won’t be the provincial police’s speeder-catching system because I’m going to drive to Montreal to celebrate my very oldest friend’s 60th birthday over lunch with another wonderful ‘old’ friend. I’ve known the birthday-girl since kindergarden; and the third woman at the table has been in my life since I was 10. We don’t feel like the cliché version of 60, or 58 for that matter – unless we look in the mirror, of course. These two ‘girls’ are important/meaningful to me – we talk honestly, openly, and have a lot of fun. They’re supportive, in the abstract, of my ‘journey of discovery’ these last 2 years and they’re interested, in the abstract, about Wel-Systems; we share enthusiasm for some of the reading we have in common. AND I’m very aware that I’ve never told them of my blog . . . so how honest am I? Tears well up, as I write.
In a 6-Day game, what have I got to lose by giving them the URL, I wonder? In ‘real’ life, what do I fear from those whom I consider ‘best friends’. I’m gonna breathe on/around this one! I’m running out of TIME.
Intellectually at least, I want to stop playing games like this with myself and my “good, old friends’. What holds me back? My bva’s! – the one’s I declare irrelevant and history, yesterday? Darn.
As I’ve heard often enough: breathing is good, so I’ll close now and do so, deeply, with no concern for the time I might ‘need’ to process this . . . A wonky sense of time is ok by me and lack of honesty with myself and those I love isn’t – any more.
Ciaou; g’night.
My sense of TIME, once again, seems wonky; I’ve had this before, and it’s noticeably strong again now. Some phone calls seem interminable even though they only last 13 minutes. Others seem really quick although they also lasted 13 minutes. (My phone shows me the length of a call, and I’ve started to notice it.) Today flew past, last night seemed long. A fire alarm in the building could be blamed, although standing outside on the sidewalk at I.30 on a balmy August night can’t be called suffering; there was no fire, no problem –except some fault in ‘the system’. What does that mean in, from a Wel-systems perspective? The residents chatted, compared ‘how’s your summer been’ stories and returned to their apartments with friendly ciaou’s or g’nights. I’ve no idea how long we were outside; the sound of the alarm went on ‘forever’ and the exhaust from the 3 firetrucks that stood, engines running, in the middle of the street at-the-ready was annoying (both the smell, the pollution and the waste of fuel) but that’s how ‘the system’ works according to the fire department’s protocols.
Systems seem to be a recurring word/concept for me tonight, don’t they?! And it’s about systems that aren’t ‘working’ for me, isn't it. Hmmmm.
What will tomorrow’s time-frame feel like, I wonder with curiosity, not concern. And will I bump up against other systems? I hope it won’t be the provincial police’s speeder-catching system because I’m going to drive to Montreal to celebrate my very oldest friend’s 60th birthday over lunch with another wonderful ‘old’ friend. I’ve known the birthday-girl since kindergarden; and the third woman at the table has been in my life since I was 10. We don’t feel like the cliché version of 60, or 58 for that matter – unless we look in the mirror, of course. These two ‘girls’ are important/meaningful to me – we talk honestly, openly, and have a lot of fun. They’re supportive, in the abstract, of my ‘journey of discovery’ these last 2 years and they’re interested, in the abstract, about Wel-Systems; we share enthusiasm for some of the reading we have in common. AND I’m very aware that I’ve never told them of my blog . . . so how honest am I? Tears well up, as I write.
In a 6-Day game, what have I got to lose by giving them the URL, I wonder? In ‘real’ life, what do I fear from those whom I consider ‘best friends’. I’m gonna breathe on/around this one! I’m running out of TIME.
Intellectually at least, I want to stop playing games like this with myself and my “good, old friends’. What holds me back? My bva’s! – the one’s I declare irrelevant and history, yesterday? Darn.
As I’ve heard often enough: breathing is good, so I’ll close now and do so, deeply, with no concern for the time I might ‘need’ to process this . . . A wonky sense of time is ok by me and lack of honesty with myself and those I love isn’t – any more.
Ciaou; g’night.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Living as if
Has anyone else been tempted by Louise’s question in her recent blog (http://www.louiselebrun.blogspot.com/) : What if I would have only 6 days left to live? On the drive back from the cottage I started wondering what that might mean for me,
Within seconds, the landscape became brighter, the scenery, cloud formations and plays of light on the hills and fields were enchantingly beautiful - although an hour later the smog over Montreal’s downtown core was an unavoidably, threateningly, dark grey goop. All in all, the intensity heightened within and around me; I was so awake and aware of my immediate environment. It was so amazing to see how easily and fast that happened, just be asking a new question, by changing the context.
Inside my body, lots was going on and my thoughts were flying in all directions. I felt relief mixed with awe because it was, all of a sudden, glaringly apparent to me that my culturally conditioned self, with my beliefs values and attitudes (bva’s), is so totoally irrelevant in a 6 Day Scenario.
Louise blogged about warring religious zealots who might awaken to their ‘investment in misery’. The penny dropped for me when I read her comment that I have been zealously living by, and guarding/defending, my beliefs and values. Not always those of my parents or teachers – many I have rejected or reframed (protest, yes! and yet it’s still the same conversation). But mostly, I have blindly been living my bva’s, out of habit; and believing (that word again!) I must defend/uphold/live by them – maybe as a way of defining myself in my world? It’s been my personal ‘investment in misery’ - my own. I’d never thought of it as misery but as I read Louise’s sentence my stomach contracted tangibly. While the conversation about small boxes and ‘break out of them, Lucy!’ is not new for me any more, I’m intrigued with the effect of bringing in the element of misery that is so connected to, so often a result of zealousness, judgements, defending beliefs, and of the restriction these beliefs and rules impose on movement (by narrowing thought and action). Louise was thinking of wars fought ‘for religion’ around the world, but the word ‘misery’ works for me, locally – I had created my own little war zone!
I see that I’m not able to write coherently about what buzzed in my head yesterday, and still rumbles in me now; yet I feel there’s something worth saying – my agitation tells me so. So I’ll keep going, hoping you, readers, will find some nuggets in all of this!
As I tried to think of ‘what has meaning for me’ in this new context of only 6 days left, there was a rushing panic moving though my body because nothing leapt to mind: I do not have a long-held dream to fulfill. In the past, I have not given myself permission to dream and it seems to be a hard talent to acquire ‘on demand’.
What I did sense, and still do, is a ‘need’ (desire? dream?) to go out with a bang . . . and I’m finding the urgency of ‘only 6 days’ is daunting. This game is focusing my attention – obviously it’s a useful exercise for me!
Since returning to Ottawa, where did “my 6 day game” go? It fizzled. I silenced it, until writing about it now. Why? I remember that as I neared home, I had become bogged down in the difference between asking myself questions about who/what would I BE before the/my bang and what would I DO to create the bang. I had caught a whiff of a sense of my feelings of deep caring and love (in the abstract) . . . and a sense of this ‘game’ is something I’m going to play more with.
As soon as I got off the highway, I hopped right back into my old skin, bva’s and all; habits and patterns; duties and responsibilities. I called Time Out; I didn’t mention my fascination with these thoughts to anyone, and became predictable and practical - and the afternoon lost it’s magic.
Why did I get off the playing field and abandon the game? What am I afraid of? The intensity and urgency that the game started to imply? The fun I was having, just thinking about it? That I might live it, not just think it? Change? Flow?
Monday morning:
I wrote this piece last night and I left it to reread this morning before deciding whether to post it or not.
It’s a glorious morning, the sun and air are clear and refreshing and I’m just back from a walk through the market with a wonderful friend. We chatted about various unconnected things - it is a very pleasant way to begin the day.
In the clear light of This Monday Morning: I notice that I AM actually living as if my personal, misery-making war zone is behind me, history. I am aware that this summer, I have allowed myself to enjoy and accept things, others, and situations without judgement, and that I was –for the most part! – not zealously defensive or combative – and without feeling I’m letting down my team. And as a spin off, I’ve learned that can be more gentle with and accepting of myself, the retired warrior, and it’s ok! I can be happier, more open, more present – and things get easier, not tougher. At this point, I’m not making a bang; it feels more like a little ripple or gurgling noise of a brook . . . I’m ok with that right now - at least it’s audible!
This summer, I was unwilling to accept that others around me were still very ready to see me as the old adversary they knew well – understandable from their point of view, I guess, but not the result I wanted. It’s getting clearer for me: I want to be seen for who I am now, who I am inside – and for that I will have to speak up and out, and . . . yes, not just think about living but actually LIVE as if I only have 6 days more.
On my mark, get set, go!
Within seconds, the landscape became brighter, the scenery, cloud formations and plays of light on the hills and fields were enchantingly beautiful - although an hour later the smog over Montreal’s downtown core was an unavoidably, threateningly, dark grey goop. All in all, the intensity heightened within and around me; I was so awake and aware of my immediate environment. It was so amazing to see how easily and fast that happened, just be asking a new question, by changing the context.
Inside my body, lots was going on and my thoughts were flying in all directions. I felt relief mixed with awe because it was, all of a sudden, glaringly apparent to me that my culturally conditioned self, with my beliefs values and attitudes (bva’s), is so totoally irrelevant in a 6 Day Scenario.
Louise blogged about warring religious zealots who might awaken to their ‘investment in misery’. The penny dropped for me when I read her comment that I have been zealously living by, and guarding/defending, my beliefs and values. Not always those of my parents or teachers – many I have rejected or reframed (protest, yes! and yet it’s still the same conversation). But mostly, I have blindly been living my bva’s, out of habit; and believing (that word again!) I must defend/uphold/live by them – maybe as a way of defining myself in my world? It’s been my personal ‘investment in misery’ - my own. I’d never thought of it as misery but as I read Louise’s sentence my stomach contracted tangibly. While the conversation about small boxes and ‘break out of them, Lucy!’ is not new for me any more, I’m intrigued with the effect of bringing in the element of misery that is so connected to, so often a result of zealousness, judgements, defending beliefs, and of the restriction these beliefs and rules impose on movement (by narrowing thought and action). Louise was thinking of wars fought ‘for religion’ around the world, but the word ‘misery’ works for me, locally – I had created my own little war zone!
I see that I’m not able to write coherently about what buzzed in my head yesterday, and still rumbles in me now; yet I feel there’s something worth saying – my agitation tells me so. So I’ll keep going, hoping you, readers, will find some nuggets in all of this!
As I tried to think of ‘what has meaning for me’ in this new context of only 6 days left, there was a rushing panic moving though my body because nothing leapt to mind: I do not have a long-held dream to fulfill. In the past, I have not given myself permission to dream and it seems to be a hard talent to acquire ‘on demand’.
What I did sense, and still do, is a ‘need’ (desire? dream?) to go out with a bang . . . and I’m finding the urgency of ‘only 6 days’ is daunting. This game is focusing my attention – obviously it’s a useful exercise for me!
Since returning to Ottawa, where did “my 6 day game” go? It fizzled. I silenced it, until writing about it now. Why? I remember that as I neared home, I had become bogged down in the difference between asking myself questions about who/what would I BE before the/my bang and what would I DO to create the bang. I had caught a whiff of a sense of my feelings of deep caring and love (in the abstract) . . . and a sense of this ‘game’ is something I’m going to play more with.
As soon as I got off the highway, I hopped right back into my old skin, bva’s and all; habits and patterns; duties and responsibilities. I called Time Out; I didn’t mention my fascination with these thoughts to anyone, and became predictable and practical - and the afternoon lost it’s magic.
Why did I get off the playing field and abandon the game? What am I afraid of? The intensity and urgency that the game started to imply? The fun I was having, just thinking about it? That I might live it, not just think it? Change? Flow?
Monday morning:
I wrote this piece last night and I left it to reread this morning before deciding whether to post it or not.
It’s a glorious morning, the sun and air are clear and refreshing and I’m just back from a walk through the market with a wonderful friend. We chatted about various unconnected things - it is a very pleasant way to begin the day.
In the clear light of This Monday Morning: I notice that I AM actually living as if my personal, misery-making war zone is behind me, history. I am aware that this summer, I have allowed myself to enjoy and accept things, others, and situations without judgement, and that I was –for the most part! – not zealously defensive or combative – and without feeling I’m letting down my team. And as a spin off, I’ve learned that can be more gentle with and accepting of myself, the retired warrior, and it’s ok! I can be happier, more open, more present – and things get easier, not tougher. At this point, I’m not making a bang; it feels more like a little ripple or gurgling noise of a brook . . . I’m ok with that right now - at least it’s audible!
This summer, I was unwilling to accept that others around me were still very ready to see me as the old adversary they knew well – understandable from their point of view, I guess, but not the result I wanted. It’s getting clearer for me: I want to be seen for who I am now, who I am inside – and for that I will have to speak up and out, and . . . yes, not just think about living but actually LIVE as if I only have 6 days more.
On my mark, get set, go!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
A Watershed, This Week
My granddaughters and their parents have gone home, new/other visitors have moved on too, and I’m still at the cottage - enjoying the calm again. And I’m packing up the stuff that really belongs in Ottawa that we thought we needed here – but in fact, didn’t. That in itself is a curious-making realization. How much stuff do I think is ‘necessary’ for a ‘successful’ summer only to find out it is not, in fact, imost of it's not been touched all summer. When will I let go of ‘planning for all eventualities’ and thereby avoiding dicey situations; when will I truly trust that it’ll all unfold as it should and when will I truly know that I’ll be FINE withOUT my (cautious) preparations/attention to wee details?! Sooner, not later, I now know.
Looking back on the last nine weeks since my Oceanstone/Leadership-Emerging Futures experience, I see a fuzz of discrete and very varied events. And I remember very distinctly numerous wonderful times spent with Stefan, with both my children and their partners, my grandchildren, some of my family, and a few close friends. And better still, I feel great right now. I know that I’m a different person than I was in June, that the many quite difficult moments/days were at least as important as the frequent glorious, nourishing moments I had alone and the innumerable joyful times I enjoyed being with others.
As I looked at my last blog, the ‘content’ I wrote about seems like history; as does so much of what I focused on this spring and summer in my journal and blogs. How quickly my context changes – especially when I let go! I feel as if all that is now is part of the ‘substance’ which I am and which supports ME as I go forward. It’s not forgotten, nor rejected nor regretted. And what I have gained from it will inform my decisions as I choose where my next foot will land (as I put one foot in front of the other).
The issue of context became so clear to me on several occasions this summer. After several years of being away, I returned to many very familiar spots (the sea-side house of my parents in Maine; the tennis club porch and swimming dock, at the lake nearby; a favorite picnic spot beside a rushing stream in the New Hampshire mountains). Each one was still virtually unchanged and lovely, very evocative of innumerable memories, yet as well, each one seemed totally different to me now. This awareness each time brought home to me quite clearly the choice I have between being in flow/undergoing change and living NOW (me!) and being static and/or anchored/living in the past. While I enjoyed revisiting the sites, and found the memories mostly pleasurable, I am so very glad to notice how ‘done’ those memories are, how distanced I feel to the person I was then. They don’t have a hold on me even though the memories are still part of me. At the same time, I’m fascinated that I can retrieve them vividly - from 'out there' where all information hums. So much to learn! so much to remember!
AND I know that I am much more than those memories and I am to eager to explore what that might mean..
Tonight feels like my context is changing again – I’m ‘moving on’ after eight weeks of:
- playing with, enjoying, learning from and caring for my granddaughters;
- engaging with and learning from my daughter, sometimes through importantly truthful moments and othertimes through watching and listening and recognising parts of me (in her) struggling to emerge and grow;
- learning more about Stefan as he opens up to himself, and entering into conversations with him that feel new and open-ended, and so learning more about myself as well;
- creating an environment that furthers growth, honesty, love and sharing and reduces the well-entrenched minefields of caution, fear and silence interspersed with mixed-messages;
- feeling the huge disappointment and loss of trust in myself when the last mentioned ‘creation’ seemed to be self-destructing;
- regaining my ground and footing afterwards, and realizing that those ‘setbacks’ are important feedback; that I have choices; and that my life unfolds as it should when I give myself permission to invite and allow – without judgement.
That’s a lot of ‘writing’ - for a first blog after several weeks of silence! Once I’m off this green, late-summer hillside and back in the city with reliable e-access, I’ll indulge in more musings. T’won’t be long!
My ‘context’ in a few days, back in my familiar Ottawa surroundings, will contain all of the recent experiences I’ve just described (they’re part of me), and yet the context will feel . . . what? different? new? Can I/Will I create ‘unboxed’ and bigger? expanding and unfolding? How big and how good do I want it?!
I’ll stay awake ‘n aware, and keep ya’ posted.
Looking back on the last nine weeks since my Oceanstone/Leadership-Emerging Futures experience, I see a fuzz of discrete and very varied events. And I remember very distinctly numerous wonderful times spent with Stefan, with both my children and their partners, my grandchildren, some of my family, and a few close friends. And better still, I feel great right now. I know that I’m a different person than I was in June, that the many quite difficult moments/days were at least as important as the frequent glorious, nourishing moments I had alone and the innumerable joyful times I enjoyed being with others.
As I looked at my last blog, the ‘content’ I wrote about seems like history; as does so much of what I focused on this spring and summer in my journal and blogs. How quickly my context changes – especially when I let go! I feel as if all that is now is part of the ‘substance’ which I am and which supports ME as I go forward. It’s not forgotten, nor rejected nor regretted. And what I have gained from it will inform my decisions as I choose where my next foot will land (as I put one foot in front of the other).
The issue of context became so clear to me on several occasions this summer. After several years of being away, I returned to many very familiar spots (the sea-side house of my parents in Maine; the tennis club porch and swimming dock, at the lake nearby; a favorite picnic spot beside a rushing stream in the New Hampshire mountains). Each one was still virtually unchanged and lovely, very evocative of innumerable memories, yet as well, each one seemed totally different to me now. This awareness each time brought home to me quite clearly the choice I have between being in flow/undergoing change and living NOW (me!) and being static and/or anchored/living in the past. While I enjoyed revisiting the sites, and found the memories mostly pleasurable, I am so very glad to notice how ‘done’ those memories are, how distanced I feel to the person I was then. They don’t have a hold on me even though the memories are still part of me. At the same time, I’m fascinated that I can retrieve them vividly - from 'out there' where all information hums. So much to learn! so much to remember!
AND I know that I am much more than those memories and I am to eager to explore what that might mean..
Tonight feels like my context is changing again – I’m ‘moving on’ after eight weeks of:
- playing with, enjoying, learning from and caring for my granddaughters;
- engaging with and learning from my daughter, sometimes through importantly truthful moments and othertimes through watching and listening and recognising parts of me (in her) struggling to emerge and grow;
- learning more about Stefan as he opens up to himself, and entering into conversations with him that feel new and open-ended, and so learning more about myself as well;
- creating an environment that furthers growth, honesty, love and sharing and reduces the well-entrenched minefields of caution, fear and silence interspersed with mixed-messages;
- feeling the huge disappointment and loss of trust in myself when the last mentioned ‘creation’ seemed to be self-destructing;
- regaining my ground and footing afterwards, and realizing that those ‘setbacks’ are important feedback; that I have choices; and that my life unfolds as it should when I give myself permission to invite and allow – without judgement.
That’s a lot of ‘writing’ - for a first blog after several weeks of silence! Once I’m off this green, late-summer hillside and back in the city with reliable e-access, I’ll indulge in more musings. T’won’t be long!
My ‘context’ in a few days, back in my familiar Ottawa surroundings, will contain all of the recent experiences I’ve just described (they’re part of me), and yet the context will feel . . . what? different? new? Can I/Will I create ‘unboxed’ and bigger? expanding and unfolding? How big and how good do I want it?!
I’ll stay awake ‘n aware, and keep ya’ posted.
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