Yesterday

Driving yesterday, I listened to Margaret Visser’s CBC Massey Lectures “Beyond Fate’ that had fascinating discussions on time and space that seemed meant for me after my musings the day before. I have had these recorded lectures on my shelf for 2 years – how come I chose to listen to them yesterday?! Syncronicity at work! The rest of the innumerable topics she touches on were mind-stretching too and I was very aware how much I love to have my intellect tickled and nudged. Margaret’s accent made me giggle, it seems so exaggerated and from another time and place (the Commonwealth of my youth, maybe). And her thoughts and thought-processes made me sit up straight and quiver with delight.

Yesterday’s birthday-celebration over asian lunch in Montreal with my the two ‘ol buddies (whom I wrote about on Tuesday) was less ‘intellectual’ but was nonetheless as mind-stretching, vibrant and energizing as Visser’s tickling had been. I felt comfy and ‘safe’, very welcome and totally accepted ‘as is’. With the result that I could be ME and enjoy the companionship and yes, invite and allow aloha-like. It happens more often now, and I’m grateful whenever it does.

Yesterday, there didn’t seem to be any ‘need’ or reason to tell S. And J. about my blogsite. After blogging about them on Tuesday I had realized that, in fact, I do feel ‘decloaked’ with them and I know that when the topic is relevant that I WILL give them my url and tell them what blogging means for me as part of the Wel-Systems community. For now, it doesn’t seem like something I want to switch the conversation towards in order to let them know that I’m a blogger; it seems to be making too much of a deal about it. When I do want to, I’m confident that I’ll manifest the opportune occasion. For now, it seems enough for me to know that I’m happy to be a blogger, and it doesn’t feel dishonest if I don’t tell them about this part of my life..
Hmmmm. I’m belabouring this point, aren’t I?? Maybe there’s more behind this than I’m willing to be honest WITH MYSELF about . . . Maybe I’ll just email them my url and end this conversation with myself!

Back to yesterday – after all, that’s my topic!
When I arrived at the cottage after roadrunning through the Quebec landscape (lunch was en route), the scene was glorious. The weather was still hot and summery, the landscape was green and luscious, the smells were late-summer fragrant, and Stefan was happily drafting a house – a project which he’s enjoying. I was glad to be there.

Our evening disintegrated into a dumb, familiar contest of ‘who’s right’ and ‘why did I insist’ etc which I regretted. After we’d each retreated to our own corners on the ring and called a truce, I started to contemplate that I had created the ‘scene’ for a reason, that every thing unfolds as it should, and in it’s own way, as unpleasant as I’d found the argument, that it would ultimately teach me something more about myself when I let the penny drop. At the very least I’ve discovered another trigger/anchor in my arsenal of conditioned responses that doesn’t serve me any more.

All in all, my holodeck seemed pretty damn wonderful yesterday. And it still does today.
Reading Anita’s blog this morning reminded me that one of MY monsters usually visits with pangs of ‘do I deserve this’ too - and I realized, then, that yesterday my beast stayed away: I was simply receptive, grateful and thrilled; no guilt, no concern for consequences and whether it would last – just an awareness of a wonderful present state.
The prospect that the extinction of this particular monster could become a ‘new normal’ is very, very exciting!

So, yeah! for yesterday, yippeeee! for tomorrow. And for now, I’ll get serious about making the rest of today meaningful too.