A Watershed, This Week

My granddaughters and their parents have gone home, new/other visitors have moved on too, and I’m still at the cottage - enjoying the calm again. And I’m packing up the stuff that really belongs in Ottawa that we thought we needed here – but in fact, didn’t. That in itself is a curious-making realization. How much stuff do I think is ‘necessary’ for a ‘successful’ summer only to find out it is not, in fact, imost of it's not been touched all summer. When will I let go of ‘planning for all eventualities’ and thereby avoiding dicey situations; when will I truly trust that it’ll all unfold as it should and when will I truly know that I’ll be FINE withOUT my (cautious) preparations/attention to wee details?! Sooner, not later, I now know.

Looking back on the last nine weeks since my Oceanstone/Leadership-Emerging Futures experience, I see a fuzz of discrete and very varied events. And I remember very distinctly numerous wonderful times spent with Stefan, with both my children and their partners, my grandchildren, some of my family, and a few close friends. And better still, I feel great right now. I know that I’m a different person than I was in June, that the many quite difficult moments/days were at least as important as the frequent glorious, nourishing moments I had alone and the innumerable joyful times I enjoyed being with others.

As I looked at my last blog, the ‘content’ I wrote about seems like history; as does so much of what I focused on this spring and summer in my journal and blogs. How quickly my context changes – especially when I let go! I feel as if all that is now is part of the ‘substance’ which I am and which supports ME as I go forward. It’s not forgotten, nor rejected nor regretted. And what I have gained from it will inform my decisions as I choose where my next foot will land (as I put one foot in front of the other).

The issue of context became so clear to me on several occasions this summer. After several years of being away, I returned to many very familiar spots (the sea-side house of my parents in Maine; the tennis club porch and swimming dock, at the lake nearby; a favorite picnic spot beside a rushing stream in the New Hampshire mountains). Each one was still virtually unchanged and lovely, very evocative of innumerable memories, yet as well, each one seemed totally different to me now. This awareness each time brought home to me quite clearly the choice I have between being in flow/undergoing change and living NOW (me!) and being static and/or anchored/living in the past. While I enjoyed revisiting the sites, and found the memories mostly pleasurable, I am so very glad to notice how ‘done’ those memories are, how distanced I feel to the person I was then. They don’t have a hold on me even though the memories are still part of me. At the same time, I’m fascinated that I can retrieve them vividly - from 'out there' where all information hums. So much to learn! so much to remember!
AND I know that I am much more than those memories and I am to eager to explore what that might mean..

Tonight feels like my context is changing again – I’m ‘moving on’ after eight weeks of:
- playing with, enjoying, learning from and caring for my granddaughters;
- engaging with and learning from my daughter, sometimes through importantly truthful moments and othertimes through watching and listening and recognising parts of me (in her) struggling to emerge and grow;
- learning more about Stefan as he opens up to himself, and entering into conversations with him that feel new and open-ended, and so learning more about myself as well;
- creating an environment that furthers growth, honesty, love and sharing and reduces the well-entrenched minefields of caution, fear and silence interspersed with mixed-messages;
- feeling the huge disappointment and loss of trust in myself when the last mentioned ‘creation’ seemed to be self-destructing;
- regaining my ground and footing afterwards, and realizing that those ‘setbacks’ are important feedback; that I have choices; and that my life unfolds as it should when I give myself permission to invite and allow – without judgement.

That’s a lot of ‘writing’ - for a first blog after several weeks of silence! Once I’m off this green, late-summer hillside and back in the city with reliable e-access, I’ll indulge in more musings. T’won’t be long!
My ‘context’ in a few days, back in my familiar Ottawa surroundings, will contain all of the recent experiences I’ve just described (they’re part of me), and yet the context will feel . . . what? different? new? Can I/Will I create ‘unboxed’ and bigger? expanding and unfolding? How big and how good do I want it?!
I’ll stay awake ‘n aware, and keep ya’ posted.