Doing C

I’m not sure if was last June, I am sure it was at Oceanstone and I can visualize the Great Room, me sitting beside the fire and Louise opposite me. I think I even gasped as Louise made the clear point: ”If you want to get x, and it takes a+b+c but you’re only willing to do a+b, you'll never ever get x, you’ll get something else; and it’s your choice.”
It made a huge impression on me then, and I thought I’d ‘got it’ then, too. This week, though, I’ve had several invitations to wake up and realize that, on a regular basis, I’m not doing c. Almost as if the way I move through the world is Not Doing C. And once again, I’m saying NO MORE to myself, and by blogging it and sending my intention out into the univers, I’m planning on making it happen.

What’s not doing c? Lots of things, this week.
- I didn’t change what I’m doing even though I was very aware as I did it that what I was doing was not working. I’ll admit that I didn’t actually know how to do it differently, but more importantly, I realize now that I didn’t let myself explore other options, didn’t take a risk (which wasn’t really a risk as the situation was a harmless painting exercise). But, once I woke up to what was happening, I got curious, and then somewhat horrified, about the ‘where else’ issue (i.e where else in my life do I fall into this pattern).
- I drew my line in the sand far to close too where I was standing. I kept myself small and puny because I planted my spear (a good thing) allowing only for a small change. I ‘took into account’ what I felt my environment could tolerate, I accepted to aim for what would be ‘a good beginning’ instead of taking what I really wanted to achieve as my starting line and accepting nothing less. In this instance, I kept myself at effect, and possibly underestimated the situation. At any rate, what I got was what I’d aimed for, and I know that what I wanted (and still want) was/is more than that. Again, I wasn’t willing to risk ‘asking for’ more; I didn’t state my full truth – to myself first of all, or when I set my spear.
- I chose to fall into a well-honed strategy of responding to a plea for help without taking my own needs/wishes/goal into consideration. The opportunity to give-when-asked triggered an instant yes reponse from me; I didn’t check in first with my body, or my intellect for that matter. My culturally conditioned self just leapt into action and I stopped doing what was actually something I had consciously chosen, and what was nourishing and pleasant. I DID help, that’s probably true; but I did not stand up for myself and my needs. I didn’t want to seem selfish, unhelpful – my old rules grabbed me by the throat again and I surrendered my own voice to them. I’m aware that if I hadn’t ‘helped’ in this instance, the dynamic of the underlying situation would have changed as I wouldn’t have perpetuated the existing pattern; THAT, in fact, would have been more helpful. And it’s not too late, now that I’ve remembered again who I am, and that I can change things by doing things differently.

So all this begs the question: what IS c?
Some of what c is, of course, depends on what x is. But without trying to be too cute or clever about this, let’s say that x ranges from an immediate outcome to the huge vast enlivening concept of living ‘fully’ - as the godforce that now know I am.
In all cases, c includes:
- choosing myself, knowing I matter; remembering that It’s My Life.
- recognizing what is true and important for me; saying YES and NO;
- asking/demanding/seeking/dreaming for BIG - not for small and puny, not for what would be just easily manageable and bare bones acceptable; it’s mine to choose; it’s my choice;
- living it, doing it, not just thinking about it nor only blogging about it;
- trusting myself, even if I don’t have clue what ‘doing it differently’ or change might actually be/entail; trusting that as I enter the unknown, the path/way will become visible/clear – until it changes as a result of where I’ve just gone and I continue the exploration further – again and again.

And I’m sure I’ll be adding to the list.
For now, I’m going to go forward doing c - as a combination of courage, choices, curiosity – and allowing. (Does anyone have a c-word for that?). And x is anything and everything I want it to be. And it doesn't have to be difficult; even the math is easy.

And right now, x means going for a post-snowstorm walk - the sun has come out, the air will be wonderful; I feel like it – and who knows where I’ll go. But if I don’t get off this sofa and go now - that could be the c in this equation, it’ll be another day inside for me (or y) not x. it's that simple. It's c, see?

Feedback - and thoughts about Mishmash as a Process

When I sat down to write "Feedback" for Louise yesterday, the piece below rolled off my fingertips. As I read it now, it seems pretty 'formal' and stilted as it started out - as if it was me writing in a way/style that was expected of me - after all, it's Feedback - hence there are rules (in my old world, at least) and I slipped right into producing what's expected of me! Except that as the piece progressed, the style and tone show that I seemed to relax into it - slightly, and it became a bit more spontaneous - inspite of still keeping the project-at-hand in mind. Is that a metaphor for how I move through my world, these days? Probably. So the result, as I read it this morning, seems to me to be a mishmash of feedback/sales pitch for potential entrepreneurial women retreat-goers, a declaration - as much for the benefit of readers as for me to hear myself decloak another time, and, by now, also a post for my blogsite. And mishmash is also a pretty accurate metaphor for my confused, enthusiastic, exploring and 'allowing myself' modus vivendi these days. All good! No complaints! Yippeeee!


Leading up to the Emerging Futures:Entrepreneurial Women retreat, I wondered what the 4 days would bring, feeling certain that it would be big, and good, and important; I was ‘open’ to whatever the experience might be for me. It’s not the first program that I’ve attended, and I’m very familiar with the body of knowledge that is the basis for the discussions; and each time I register, it’s with anticipation of personal, discovery and growth, and expecting at least to leave with a rekindled sense of myself, of wonderment, joy and gratitude. After this retreat, I felt all of those AND renewed confidence in myself as entrepreneurial woman, and more certain of the unlimited possibilities for me that lie in the Emerging Future ‘process’.

Different from the other women who attended this retreat because I’m not ‘an entrepreneur’ with a business of my own, I felt I was in the right place nonetheless, knowing that I’m an entrepreneurial woman: innovative, creative; strong; willing to think outside the box; taking responsibility for the choices I make. In all of the discussions, I was interested, challenged, stimulated, engaged; and often moved to tears or gasps of aha, yes! or bursts of no more of that for me, that’s sure! The ‘that’ was usually a pattern of thought, a habituated response, or a limiting belief that still lingers from my past. In the group I felt totally included, unselfconscious, safe, and willing to express an unedited version of whatever came into my mind.

My biggest ‘take home’ is easy to describe for those familiar with the Wel-Systems perspective: I know now that I stand firmly in space of the Wel-System paradigm. I now know in my body and not just through my intellect that WHO I am is energy and WHAT I am is a quantum biological device, and that my Emerging Future lies in allowing the connection from the universal field to enter and flow through my body, so that I am an expression in this world of that signal. For readers unfamiliar with what this seemingly wild-and-wooly stuff means, read the book(s)! It’s not so weird, in fact; it’s science. (Louise Lebrun’s Fully Alive would be a starting point.) This retreat was a breakthough for me in that, over the last few years, I learned about this worldview, accepted the science and concepts, but had not felt myself fully living within, or from, the new paradigm. During the EF:EW retreat, I recognized that I fully embrace this new worldview now, in body and in mind. It has been a huge step for me, I realize now as I look back, and I obviously needed some time to move from my previous, well-entrenched and commonly accepted perspective. And the time was right for me, last week, to become aware just how far I’ve traveled, and where I now stand. And over the four days, with the support of five other wonderful women, it was a perfect opportunity to move ‘forward’ from this new place, exploring what might emerge as I see the world from a different perspective. Understatement: It was pretty amazing.

Now, one week later, I am both very aware of the immense leap I have taken and very excited about what lies ahead. Until now, I had only disclosed small parts of my changing beliefs and my ‘journey’ to others. Trying to explain more specifically where I now stand to my family, in particular, has been challenging, especially as an ‘Emerging Future’ includes/requires that I do not/can not know what is ahead for me and that I allow my body – not my intellect, to lead me. These are not easy concepts for others to accept; even if the intensity of my declaration that this is how I want to live is tangible, this approach, as a way of living, sounds awfully unstructured and open-ended – because it is. And frankly, I am still learning how to live this way. It requires that I stay awake to the lure of living from my head, and that I avoid falling into the well-honed ‘routine’ of basing decisions and actions on past experiences. and habits. I am learning to ‘be led’ by my intuition, to do what feels right to me, not what is/has been expected of me. It entails choosing, constantly; when I don’t, I notice soon enough that I have defaulted back into habituated responses that no longer are appropriate for the job at hand: living my life fully, engaging the entrepreneurial woman in me for a more enlivened, inspiring and enriched life; one that, with my energetic expression, touches others and allows them to feel/know their own spirit more intensely.

When there’s another EF:EW retreat, I’m likely to sign up for it; the experience of getting together in a small group with other Wel-Systems women for deep, broad, lively and wonderful conversations is one I will seek out often. Learning from each other and exploring with each other is an accelerated way to experience the magnificence of this world - and of myself. Goodness! if I still stood in my ‘old’ worldview, I’d never have written those last three words. As I said earlier, in my ‘Emerging Future’ journey, I don’t know what’s ahead . . . and the 60yearold godforce/spirit that I am obviously has many surprises up my sleeve for me; I just have to let me do my magic!

Choosing

I sat down thinking !blog! and now I don’t know what to write. All week, since returning from an amazing four days in an Entrepreneurial Women:Emerging Futures retreat, blog-bits have come to mind, but those insights/whirrings/thoughts are somewhere deep in my cells now, not on the tip of my tongue or fingertips. I know the EW:EF experience is still settling in me; my body is telling me that with various muscular and nervous sensations, waves of tears, and often sudden moments of fuzziness/fatigue or almost scary aliveness. I feel I am in a different space now, very different from even last week just before the retreat, and as wonderful as that is, it’s taking some getting used to. Getting used to not getting used to anything as my life’s in constant flow; getting used to being in control of not being in control of anything - except my willingness and ability to choose where/how to put my left foot down once the right instep has started to lift up off the ground. And then to choose again as the lay of the land changes from my new position.
Apropos choice, “if I had to choose one” . . . the paradigm discussions were the best part of the week for me. The enormity of waking up to how enormous the new umbrella of the Wel-Systems paradigm that I’m standing under is, was . . . . words to describe it fail me.* I already knew that I’d crossed the dotted line to the ‘new’ worldview before last week’s discussions, but now I’m more aware of just what a massive shift that means for me. I was kidding myself about the leap, hoping, I suppose, it was smaller and therefore ‘safer’ – both for me and those around me who might not be tempted/willing to leap with me. The more I understand it, and look back to ‘where I was’, the implications of not-leaping seem clearer too. It was A Choice and it took courage – I realize with hindsight.
Actually, maybe I’m missing the point here. Maybe the courageous choice wasn’t to leap, maybe it was to give myself permission to leap. I don’t think I knew I was choosing a new paradigm, I think I was letting myself be open to new information and to see where that led me. And with a few ups and downs in the ‘giving myself permission department’ I’ll admit, and a whole lot of reading because I was fascinated and increasingly convinced by the science and the implications, this new worldview started to feel right. And voilà, when I look back, I see that I’ve leapt!
Now, the terrain on this new side emerges before me, under me, with me. It’s a funny feeling, and I’m getting used to not being used to it, and realizing that as long as I welcome the movement and the fluidity, I’ll be on solid footing in an emerging futures world. Confusing eh? Alive, eh? Big, eh?
• For a really alive and great description of the retreat the impact it had on all of us, see Louise’s blog: Instructions for opening your eyes, Feb, 25 at http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com and Birth By Fire, Feb. 25 at http://www.louiselebrun.com/WomenGathering. For more on the Wel-Systems paradigm, see: http://www.WEL-Systems.com.
. . . . . . . . .

That’s what I wrote last night, but didn’t post because I needed to add the links to Louise’s sites and was too tired by then to do the nitty-gritty.

And here it is, a new day with snow falling gently and as always, things look different in daylight. The 60yearoldgodforce that I am today, choosing to . . . stick with the courageous, not knowing, standing in the new paradigm theme.

Marie-Jose shared this image that Louise gave her with me this morning, and it’s been rumbling and tossing in me for the last half hour: ". . . it is so easy for us to get caught up in the habits of thought of others, just allowing ourselves to be drawn along like a leaf in a strong current. It is also as if when the moment comes that we notice that we are not a leaf and are no longer willing to live like a leaf, we are startled to make that discovery. We also struggle as the 'leaves' we love continue to believe themselves to be that leaf, not only choosing to just mosey along but also clamoring for us to get back in the water!"

As the image worked through/within me, I saw this leaf on top of the water, scrambling a bit frantically to swim against the current. And then the fact hit me – WRONG! I’m not a leaf! – and I’d been forgetting that sometimes this week EVEN tho' the EW:EF experience was so recent. After the retreat, I knew so well that I’m a 60yearoldGodforce (read energetic beep if the god part of what I’m calling myself is too much for this go’round); how could I be able to forget that so easily? I am, because forgetting it can be so comfy, because when I'm 'just me' I return to familiar terrain, and it's seemingly 'safe', it's a habit. So, much as the strong pulls I’ve been feeling at home, inviting me to revisit and enjoy my past have been very unwelcome, difficult to withstand, and cause for lots of heated moments of discussion, I know they are giving me a chance to recognize again WHO and WHAT I am now, and where I stand in the new paradigm; they give me another chance to state this out loud and to insist out loud that delving into memories and letters/artifacts collected over that last fifty years is neither useful nor does it feel good in my body. And yet, having stated that, nonetheless 'old' feelings of guilt and disloyalty and the uncomfortable position for me of being the person who's not doing what's requested of me surge up in me. Mostly, they are quickly sideswiped again by a 'knowing' that these are habituated 'old' culturally conditioned thoughts and are not relevant or useful for me, now, but not before they've wreaked some havoc to my wellbeing. At the risk of sounding repetitious:, this post-retreat week has been a topsyturvy time - with many opportunities to choose to stand in the new paradigm.

My husband has been bearing the torch as the person who’s very keen to look through old letters and revisit old memories this week, and he’s been bearing the brunt of my rejection of this activity/exploration. I haven’t always found the words (or tone) to explain my stance well, and he’s been searching to understand – in a way, just like the leafy image clamouring for (me) to get back into the water. This noon, not knowing any more where to turn as he sensed my intention to stay in my body and not to ‘work it through’ with him intellectually any longer, he reread Louise’s ‘profile’ piece about Emerging Futures,; that helped him a lot. (http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com) Thanks Louise, for stating so clearly what is so difficult to describe and for capturing the ‘problem’ about just that: it IS unclear, undefined and emerging and especially because of letting go of looking to the past – for patterns, habits and for explanations. We’re all helped by what you write.

. . . .

So here I am, meandering more gently now this afternoon, not floating as a leaf in the current, and still thinking about today's various images and metaphors. It’s still snowing outside and I’ve been writing this in bits and pieces over the last hours – the blog’s been emerging as my day has been emerging. This morning seems a long time ago, the leafy state I was letting myself return to feels ‘gone’, the hefty-feeling discussions at lunch seemed to have been just what I/we needed, and what is right now . . . is me, a 60yearoldgodforce writing about what’s been moving inside me today. I’ll be able to see where standing in the present is taking me as it happens, not before by planning it, and not afterwards by revisiting it, but by letting it emerge. Living this way still feels pretty unfamiliar, certainly unclear, and wide open and excellent in THIS moment.
I've managed to write myself 'full circle'! I started out last evening feeling confused, courageous, and pretty good, and here I am again! Will I get used to this? I get to choose, that's sure.