Choosing

I sat down thinking !blog! and now I don’t know what to write. All week, since returning from an amazing four days in an Entrepreneurial Women:Emerging Futures retreat, blog-bits have come to mind, but those insights/whirrings/thoughts are somewhere deep in my cells now, not on the tip of my tongue or fingertips. I know the EW:EF experience is still settling in me; my body is telling me that with various muscular and nervous sensations, waves of tears, and often sudden moments of fuzziness/fatigue or almost scary aliveness. I feel I am in a different space now, very different from even last week just before the retreat, and as wonderful as that is, it’s taking some getting used to. Getting used to not getting used to anything as my life’s in constant flow; getting used to being in control of not being in control of anything - except my willingness and ability to choose where/how to put my left foot down once the right instep has started to lift up off the ground. And then to choose again as the lay of the land changes from my new position.
Apropos choice, “if I had to choose one” . . . the paradigm discussions were the best part of the week for me. The enormity of waking up to how enormous the new umbrella of the Wel-Systems paradigm that I’m standing under is, was . . . . words to describe it fail me.* I already knew that I’d crossed the dotted line to the ‘new’ worldview before last week’s discussions, but now I’m more aware of just what a massive shift that means for me. I was kidding myself about the leap, hoping, I suppose, it was smaller and therefore ‘safer’ – both for me and those around me who might not be tempted/willing to leap with me. The more I understand it, and look back to ‘where I was’, the implications of not-leaping seem clearer too. It was A Choice and it took courage – I realize with hindsight.
Actually, maybe I’m missing the point here. Maybe the courageous choice wasn’t to leap, maybe it was to give myself permission to leap. I don’t think I knew I was choosing a new paradigm, I think I was letting myself be open to new information and to see where that led me. And with a few ups and downs in the ‘giving myself permission department’ I’ll admit, and a whole lot of reading because I was fascinated and increasingly convinced by the science and the implications, this new worldview started to feel right. And voilà, when I look back, I see that I’ve leapt!
Now, the terrain on this new side emerges before me, under me, with me. It’s a funny feeling, and I’m getting used to not being used to it, and realizing that as long as I welcome the movement and the fluidity, I’ll be on solid footing in an emerging futures world. Confusing eh? Alive, eh? Big, eh?
• For a really alive and great description of the retreat the impact it had on all of us, see Louise’s blog: Instructions for opening your eyes, Feb, 25 at http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com and Birth By Fire, Feb. 25 at http://www.louiselebrun.com/WomenGathering. For more on the Wel-Systems paradigm, see: http://www.WEL-Systems.com.
. . . . . . . . .

That’s what I wrote last night, but didn’t post because I needed to add the links to Louise’s sites and was too tired by then to do the nitty-gritty.

And here it is, a new day with snow falling gently and as always, things look different in daylight. The 60yearoldgodforce that I am today, choosing to . . . stick with the courageous, not knowing, standing in the new paradigm theme.

Marie-Jose shared this image that Louise gave her with me this morning, and it’s been rumbling and tossing in me for the last half hour: ". . . it is so easy for us to get caught up in the habits of thought of others, just allowing ourselves to be drawn along like a leaf in a strong current. It is also as if when the moment comes that we notice that we are not a leaf and are no longer willing to live like a leaf, we are startled to make that discovery. We also struggle as the 'leaves' we love continue to believe themselves to be that leaf, not only choosing to just mosey along but also clamoring for us to get back in the water!"

As the image worked through/within me, I saw this leaf on top of the water, scrambling a bit frantically to swim against the current. And then the fact hit me – WRONG! I’m not a leaf! – and I’d been forgetting that sometimes this week EVEN tho' the EW:EF experience was so recent. After the retreat, I knew so well that I’m a 60yearoldGodforce (read energetic beep if the god part of what I’m calling myself is too much for this go’round); how could I be able to forget that so easily? I am, because forgetting it can be so comfy, because when I'm 'just me' I return to familiar terrain, and it's seemingly 'safe', it's a habit. So, much as the strong pulls I’ve been feeling at home, inviting me to revisit and enjoy my past have been very unwelcome, difficult to withstand, and cause for lots of heated moments of discussion, I know they are giving me a chance to recognize again WHO and WHAT I am now, and where I stand in the new paradigm; they give me another chance to state this out loud and to insist out loud that delving into memories and letters/artifacts collected over that last fifty years is neither useful nor does it feel good in my body. And yet, having stated that, nonetheless 'old' feelings of guilt and disloyalty and the uncomfortable position for me of being the person who's not doing what's requested of me surge up in me. Mostly, they are quickly sideswiped again by a 'knowing' that these are habituated 'old' culturally conditioned thoughts and are not relevant or useful for me, now, but not before they've wreaked some havoc to my wellbeing. At the risk of sounding repetitious:, this post-retreat week has been a topsyturvy time - with many opportunities to choose to stand in the new paradigm.

My husband has been bearing the torch as the person who’s very keen to look through old letters and revisit old memories this week, and he’s been bearing the brunt of my rejection of this activity/exploration. I haven’t always found the words (or tone) to explain my stance well, and he’s been searching to understand – in a way, just like the leafy image clamouring for (me) to get back into the water. This noon, not knowing any more where to turn as he sensed my intention to stay in my body and not to ‘work it through’ with him intellectually any longer, he reread Louise’s ‘profile’ piece about Emerging Futures,; that helped him a lot. (http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com) Thanks Louise, for stating so clearly what is so difficult to describe and for capturing the ‘problem’ about just that: it IS unclear, undefined and emerging and especially because of letting go of looking to the past – for patterns, habits and for explanations. We’re all helped by what you write.

. . . .

So here I am, meandering more gently now this afternoon, not floating as a leaf in the current, and still thinking about today's various images and metaphors. It’s still snowing outside and I’ve been writing this in bits and pieces over the last hours – the blog’s been emerging as my day has been emerging. This morning seems a long time ago, the leafy state I was letting myself return to feels ‘gone’, the hefty-feeling discussions at lunch seemed to have been just what I/we needed, and what is right now . . . is me, a 60yearoldgodforce writing about what’s been moving inside me today. I’ll be able to see where standing in the present is taking me as it happens, not before by planning it, and not afterwards by revisiting it, but by letting it emerge. Living this way still feels pretty unfamiliar, certainly unclear, and wide open and excellent in THIS moment.
I've managed to write myself 'full circle'! I started out last evening feeling confused, courageous, and pretty good, and here I am again! Will I get used to this? I get to choose, that's sure.