Author, painter, whatever

Painting has shown me several things over the 18 months since I first picked up a brush. I’ve learned that I love the wetness, smoothness and sound of the painting process; that I really enjoy learning how to see differently, and to see more; that I have ‘stuff’ to say/paint that seems pretty strong and vibrant – and that that’s probably a reflection of what’s moving through me!
It’s become clear to me that when I am grounded and just ‘see what happens’ on the canvas, the process of painting is totally consuming: time flies; it feels great and it’s energizing; the outcome is usually a surprise and often something I like a lot. Even when I try to use a photo as a starting point and am working more ‘from my intellect’ with a kind of a plan, if I just let my brush move freely I do end up with a fairly close representation of what I was seeing in the photo or at least a ‘picture’ I am pleased with. The beginner that I am is still really amazed that I can actually do this and how much fun I’m having.
If a painting starts to ‘go wrong’ – usually by not meet my expectations, not ‘turning out’ - and I buckle down and really work at it, it generally goes really wrong from that point on, and my undertaking feels like slow-moving struggle; darnitall; oooof; why am I doing this to myself; and proof of my lack-of-talent. When/if I return to the canvas later, and pick up where I left off yet from a different place in me, the process is often easy and satisfying, with ‘good’ results. I’ve shown myself again and again that it’s a case of allowing whatever’s in me to flow and evolve, and if/when I do, something I like is the result –it might be actually lovely/beautiful, or ‘merely’ interesting, or crazy and whimsical, or just surprising (and possibly pretty ‘ugly’ by generally accepted standards).

In ‘reality’, when I let my body direct my choices and actions, I get what’s right for me at that moment. When I work ‘from my intellect’, it’s often a struggle. This has been very apparent to me recently; and my painting process is a fractal of this.

The exciting part is that in the middle of the night last night, an important-feeling insight popped for me:
My life is actually as SAFE a game as painting is. And it’ll be as much FUN and BIG as I allow it to be, just like painting has been recently. They’re not that different. It wasn't actually at thought, at least not at first; it was more a feeling - a great surge of YESness inside.

While I have reached a point that I’m clear that ‘it’s only a piece of paper/canvas – what’s to fear?’ and whatever I paint, it’s mine and I can paint over if it’s not working for me - I had never made the connection to my own sense of safety/abundance and willingness to give myself permission to dare to live more fully, and especially to dare to ‘be outrageous’.

It’s my life and it’s not so different from a canvas; I am choosing the size, colours, textures, tones and shapes as I go; the creative process just unfolds if I get out of it’s way. I’d often told myself ‘it’s my life, my story, and I’m writing it. And that, while also true, has left me with feelings in my body which I’ve associated with responsibility, urgency, necessity to perform (not waste this chance). All pretty loaded, heavy sensations in my body – and not conducive to spontaneity nor courageous leaping-into-unknowns. Maybe even childhood values of ‘don’t waste paper’ and ‘write clearly so others can read it’ and the inherent value of books, of literature, and a respect for words (watch what you say!) that I imbibed early on, have all been playing a part in this, out of my awareness. Who knows.

By changing ONE small piece of this puzzle/game/illusion – namely that I’m painting my painting (instead of writing my book), the issue (my life) has taken on a totally different feel: lighter, bigger, permitting more changes and surprises; basically allowing me to GO FOR MORE. Why? I think ‘reframing’ in NLP terms is what I’m actually doing, but who knows why being a painter is more empowering for me that being an author – and who cares. I feel MUCH lighter today as a result of this small twist in my metaphor/illusion/perception of life, and I like it. It seems to me now that the fears that have been limiting my ability to ‘fly’ (a.k.a. to live fully, to give myself permission to do a, b. AND c, to live randomly; and slightly more specifically either to write, paint, explore, kiss numerous frogs with abandon) could actually have been shifted – dare I say disappeared? All of them? And without protracted stuggle? What an outrageous thought! I feel pretty damn good today. Yippeeee – basically!
And stepping our of NOW (briefly) and looking ahead:
What a great way to go INTO an intensive week of “Decloaking”! . . . THIS is usually the space I’m in at the END of a Wel-Systems experience.