MY VACUUM

It’s not that I need to do the vacuuming around here; it’s that I feel like I’m in A Vacuum, and it’s dense and heavy, warm and safe – yet physically uncomfortable. The rain on the roof sounds steady, determined and comforting, and the aimlessness of my day is unsettling. I have lots TO DO, and absolutely no inclination to get any of IT done nor to start anything new. Those ‘to do’s’ are products of my intellect – some of them I even actually truly want to do. And I know that my ‘uncomfortablness’ is heavily influenced by my OLD belief that being busy is ’good’ and getting stuff done is useful – (combined with the knowledge of the fact that I will have to complete these tasks at one point and/but postponing them for a while isn’t going to change much). And my body is saying NO to all of them; I’m not bored, not tired, not depressed; I’m restless, unsettled, unfocussed and sort of floating – with lots of body responses traveling gently but nonetheless noticeably through me.
I ‘know’ this is all ok and that I don’t need to fix myself, don’t need to ‘snap out of it’ (as I’ve be taught to do); and I’m trusting that just letting it happen and staying with it is what I need to do if I’m going to get to know myself better and move closer to living MY life. It’s just that right now, it feels . . . . well, like I’m in limbo/a vacuum, and although I have ‘been here’ before, I’ve never actually liked this state and I used to usually try to suppress/override/ignore it – back then, I didn’t know the afloat-and-drifting sensation is really a form of information about myself, I’d always ‘believed’ that this vaccum-space was a mood and nothing worth paying attention to.

I’m getting an ‘EASE UP, be gentle, dammit’ message as I write. And a ‘wallow merrily in the vaccum and see what happens’ whisper is filling my space. Luxuriating has always been fraught with ‘don’t’ connections in the past; allowing myself to enjoy the vastness of the vacuum is an intellectual oxymoron for me right, and I know I’m going to try it anyway, this afternoon, and see how my body likes it – to hell with what my culturally conditioned self might murmur.

Sarah’s recent phrase leaps to mind: " i am ready for more...... i am aware being for me...is simply energy moving in and out of me and from others to others." The sentence has stuck with me since I read it because it resonated so strongly with how I’ve been living/feeling recently – certainly since the EF:EW experience a month ago when the penny really dropped – kerplunk – and I realized that I fully stand in the New Paradigm. And this last month, it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster as others who live in the ‘old paradigm’ triggered habitual responses from me which no longer felt/were authentic, and that prompted me to wake up again and to choose/speak from my newly recognized space.

Today, it’s as if my body, especially the area around my 6th and 7th chakras, is giving me invitations to really assimilate more layers of this awareness, and to get in tune with this more deeply, more completely; maybe my actual cells are still reconfiguring themselves. It’s as if I’m creating a vacuum around myself to protect me from bumping up against something today – as if I’m in fact helping myself, supporting myself until I’m ready to move, choose, put one foot down in front of the other again. Sounds gentle to me . . . I’ll accept it gratefully – and see it as wonderful and wise, not uncomfortable and disorienting.
I can already feel that my feet are almost ready to touch ground again – I feel quite different from the Chagall-like floating figure I was when I started writing this.