Jeepers!

I’ve just read Louise’s latest blog (There is a Storm Brewing: http://www.louiselebrun.com/WomenGathering/?p=46) and I’m wondering: Holy Shit JUST WHAT have I signed up for!?
I KNOW I want to be part of Big Conversations, actively participating and truly being present, and I clearly remember not so long ago that I KNEW that intensity was fearsome, not for me and certainly ‘not me’. So, two weeks from now, the 4-day ‘Emerging Futures: Entrepreneurial Women’ at Oceanstone might be something I’ve never experienced before in more ways that I am aware of! The cast of players, and the sense of ‘something’s happenin’ and I dunno what it is’ that we all seem to be aware of right now in our individual ways, mean that I might want to either fasten my seat belt, hunker down and take some gravol, or shout yipppeeee and surrender into the flow of whatever unfolds as our energies combine. It could be the wildest ride into the unknown that I’ve ever taken. And it’s my choice; it’s my holodeck!
What surprises ME most it that I sense inside me that I’m up for this even though I have NO idea what ‘I’m up for’. I’ve clearly shifted my approach to Life. Previously I’d have I checked ‘it’ out, assessed numerous possible outcomes as best I could and ‘made sure’, opted for (perceived) safety; or I’d have externally referenced the decision (another form of safety) or I’d have made up a story that fitted. And then I’d have spent the 4-days making sure that the experience matched the expectations, again, that it fitted, was safe etc etc etc.
How small-making! Crazy-making! A closed loop, for sure. As I know now, there was an intelligence for me to live that way – but that was then.

As I ‘check in with my body’ I get a YES, Be There (with a butterfly or two making a faint take-off attempt); trust this impulse, Lucy! Trust ME.
As I learned when I Told My Story out loudthree weeks ago (or was it only two?), so much of my life was spent alone, or trying to fit in to a group so as not to be alone, or pretending I actually did fit into a group and kidding myself that this felt ok. So some of my faint butterfly sensation is a hangover that’s still in a few cells, I guess: do I really ‘belong’ in a program with these other amazing, strong, restless and fearless women? Will they ‘accept’ me? Old fears. A more relevant ‘concern’, given my five decades of limiting myself: Will I actually be able to accept the part of me that avoided intensity and not-knowing and instead access/live that part of me that’s intense, curious, daring/courageous and really really wants to surrender fully into life - instead of thinking about it or hiding from it?
As I write, I’m aware that I’m/that’s in my head. In my body, there’s a YES I CAN access that part of me, and a Get Going, Lucy! that makes me realize that the intense, curious, daring/courageous part of me is alive and kicking, it’s actually not buried very deep any more, except when I fall asleep and allow old limiting, habituated reponses to swamp me, or when stay in my head and make up/repeat old stories ‘cuz they sound familiar and it’s so easy to go/slip back to the known.

Too bad EF:EW isn’t this coming week.
I herewith resolve to, in anticipation, create my own versions of a memorable experience of splashing around in the unknown; no editing; randomness here I come. I know that “it doesn’t have to be difficult” – it merely requires me to get out of my way. And I don’t have to do this alone; my play-group might be less overtly Ready To Rock than the up-coming EF:EW adventuresses but I’ll choose the best explorers that I can find ‘round here. And three home-made 4-day intensives and it’ll almost be time to go and play with the EW’s by the water in the sunshine. Heh! Intensity! I’ve signed myself up. YIKES and YES!