EF:EW - Thoughts and declarations

This 4-day program, once again, was wonderful; very helpful, stimulating and enlivening; an experience not an event. (http://www.louiselebrun.com/Women/Entrepren.htm) I’m not going to try to describe it; instead I will let the after-glow play in my body, welcome further insights that bubble up like slow after-shocks, and remember the engaged, lively, intense conversations with enjoyment and amazement. I’ve returned home feeling GREAT which feels mostly like feeling new, not just renewed nor revived nor merely changed - although those words are applicable too.

A snake leaps to mind: I’ve been shedding skins (actually I’ve been metabolizing blocked information/energy – but let’s play snake and shed ‘em for now) as I advanced along my journey through the Wel-Systems garden of programs. Last week a few more layers peeled off and so today, I feel a little bare; the skin I've exposed is so much less thick (callused?). I feel a bit raw, and unprotected by my old ‘coat’ that in fact was not protecting me: it was restricting me.. This now feels different, lighter and more agile; freer. I know I’ll be more sensitive to and aware of what I slither over (still gracefully!?); it’ll mean I’ll choose my path more mindfully; it’ll be MY path each day, each moment, and I’ll see/hear/notice any rough patches when I create them and not plough through them willy-nilly any more with a stiff upper lip or a brave smile – as I’ve done so proficiently until now.
Snakes are all-body-no-intellect. Standing on my own two feet, I’m going to check in with my inner Self from now on, constantly, and choose based on what I ‘hear’ instead of acting on information from my head and my cultural conditioning. Snakes, being what they are, MUST be very externally referenced; they must negociate defensively, reactively, in their given environment. I’ve done that until now, I now realise. But going forward, I will not continue this – after all, I’m not a snake.

I, as a godforce expressing mySelf in this holographic universe as Lucy in my human body, am able to create my environment, my holodeck. The biggest ‘outcome’ from the EF:EW experience last week is that I know, and more importantly feel-in-my-body that my days of cautiously slithering (often away from opportunities), of fearfully negociating my way through badlands and of dodging perceived or actual dangers in the landscape are over. Enough! No need! Done that! It doesn’t work for me! From now on: I connect with mySelf, I stay connected and awake, I choose, and my landscape/world will unfold before me and I will move into it, engaged and engaging.

If I try, I can clearly remember/feel my shock and awe, dismay, anger, disappointment with myself each time I became fully aware of a ‘skin’ that was covering, limiting, encasing me and determining how I moved and what I felt as I moved along (or stayed still – which was often the case). I can also recall/recapture the relief, excitement, sense of hope and expansion resulting from spotting/naming a ‘skin’ because I knew that I didn’t have to wear it any longer, once I’d recognized it for what it was and accepted it as a part of my being. My ‘inadequate/not up to the job’ –ness, and my unworthy/unaccepted – ness, and my lonely/abandoned –ness, and hence my resulting fearfulness and unending ability to hunker down and either to not see/hear/know or to tolerate what I was creating are still part of me, but they will no longer govern my state of being; they will no longer guide my decisions and rule my life.

Most of the time in this ‘old’ state (and old is not understatement: I’ve let myself stay in it for almost sixty years), I would disconnect from myself and observe myself moving/acting/complying/obliging/following in order to avoid or to feel less ‘pain’. Living this way - disconnected and externally referenced and thus un-authentically, does NOT equal Living Fully. I’m done with living dis-connected, hunkered-down and half-sized. It’s not much fun; it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t allow for my signal to express itself in this world. And I really, really want to beep/whirr/sparkle from now on. Checking in with mySelf, seeing what I see, hearing what I hear, knowing what I know, and choosing what feels right for me sounds so easy; it has NOT been my primary modus vivendi to date - and it’s going to be from now on.

Tonight I feel, sense, know inside that I’ve rounded a really crucially important bend: I’m fully aware that it’s up to me, and possible for me, to choose ME, to be ME on my own path. And that by staying fully aware of, and awake to ME (of my signal from Self) the path unfolds for me. I’ve thought I was ‘here’ before . . . now I know I’m much more ‘here’ - the EF:EW program this week made many things clearer – there’s nothing more clarifying than speaking out loud, hearing myself tell a supportive group of friends about myself and as a result, finally see clearly that which I’d been hiding from my awareness, that which I was not allowing myself to know.

So it’s clear to me now that I’ve got to be ‘here’: my own Living Fully depends on it and it’s my choice. Remember what I’ve already quoted/blogged about before? If I want to have x, I’ve got to do a+b PLUS c. And anything less than a+b+c won’t get me x. What became shockingly clear to me this week is how extremely dis-connected I have been. (Is that like extremely pregnant? Either you’re pregnant are or you’re not? I guess so – but for me, extremely feels like the right adjective for my dis-connected-ness). In this ‘new for me’ but not new context, where c is crucial: What if: a = choose me (what feels right for me), b = be me (not my cultural conditioning), c = stay connected to me and x = living fully? Maybe x includes immensely, expandingly, full power, full sparkle? Who, me? Why not, eh. I think I’d look good wearing x; totally different from who/what I’ve been/felt like ‘til now, that’s for sure. Jeepers, I think it’s already happening.