Possible ways of seeing things? Distortions? Myths?

Instead of zooming down the highway to a friend's funeral in Montreal, I'm HERE looking at the freezing rain fall and wondering about the invitation to NOT go to the funeral (extended by by the weather) i.e. the invitation to consider my shoulds and coulds and to mindfully choose what serves ME. Having agreed with my husband that NOT going was truly an option for us, and makes total sense today, we then started a lengthy discussion about how we'd celebrate (or not) our 40th wedding anniversary and my 60th birthday next November - and lots of the shoulds and coulds attached to that - ranging from losing touch with one's extended family if we don't include them, the anticipated void that could ensue if we didn't keep up contact. Amazing how we create (take?) opportunities for meaningful discussions at surprising moments.
Lots of the focus of the shoulds, ought tos and related fears were about S's beliefs and rules, but I realise that when I'm talking 'with him' it's me talking to myself too. We delved into standing alone without the prop of 'family',, whether our siblings are still part of who we believe ourselves to be or if it's an image of ourself that we're maintaining in order to flesh out a diminished view we have of ourselves. If there's a void when we don't have a family around us.
If/when I start using I instead of WE here . . . The difference in my position from S's on this is that I am realising that I've actually stopped propping myself up with identities of family member, sister or brother. At least MOST of the time (when I stay awake) I'm ME, still friendly with my siblings but as me, not as the sister of P. It's a one-on-one situation iin this position and it's very liberating . . . most of my shoulds have fallen away as a result, the remaining ones I keep as values (respect, empathy, compassion) that I embrace for ME regardless of whether it's my siblings, my friends - or people I don't really know. These values affect how I interact with them and it's my choice to let them guide me. I think the difference is a stronger awareness of ME and of my boundaries, now; in the 'family' situation, and if I'm honest, with friends too, I had lost them and was too willing to mesh with the group or the other (believing it necessary for acceptance, love etc.), In fact, I was losing myself, becoming invisible. As I write, it's clear to me that I'm saying that these are values for me when dealing with others . . . What about me and ME? do I have respect, compassion for myself? Not enough! I can quickly lose myself in reverting back to old shoulds and ought tos; in fact propping myself up with rules.
I know I can 'risk' dropping them, and seeing what emerges . . . when I do it, it works! It's wonderful, liberating, and allows expansion and exploration.
The paradoxes! Such as standing alone and not being alone, stronger boundaries that create bigger spaces: the void after exploding the myth of Family as a prop and realising it was a myth and thus there's no new void; boundaries and edges.

Over the last few days, I've been focussing on and meaning to write down many thoughts that occur when I see this photo I took in London in January.
Until right now, I'd been seeing the path; thinking about 'paths' and going forward and speed and movement and lots more; and the importance of the protective railing in this picture for the picture - and of course the swoops in the stones that change/distort the guardrail; and the importance (for me) of protective guards. And I've been getting really curious about THAT, and about the fact that I just clicked on this shot when I saw it and how amazing my higherSelf is to know that I'd find so much meat on the bones of this image. Today I realise that the photo can also open the door to further musing about boundaries. When are guardrails protecting me from a (perceived) danger, or hemming me in, or allowing me to walk with more certainty as I have more awareness of where I want to be (what my boundaries are)? And I thought I'd been taking numerous photos of pathways (it was out of my awareness that I'd been taking so many on that theme until I review my image library, recently) because I delight in the visual image I see, in the unendingness of the path itself, and in the geometry of the composition, and in the distortion or complications that shadows often create! Was I also inviting myself to see the edges of the paths too, and the clear definition route coupled with the unspecifity of the destination? Good 'work', Lucy! - that just spilled off the fingers of someone (ME) who thinks she doesn't know how to play! In truth, that work I'm patting my back for was actually huge fun and I've just caught in the act of merrily showing myself another one of my myths: that 'playing isn't me'? And I've believed it. This is fodder for another blog, I can feel it.

Time Inbetween

A momentary lull in my day, and I’m drawn to writing, without any idea what. – As I wrote ‘lull’ I instantly wondered why I don’t consider lots more of my time ‘a lull”. By outward appearances, it must seem to many people that I have loads of lulls in my day/week. Who knows, and who cares.
What’s lull-like for ME in this moment; why is lots of my day not lullish? I think it’s a perception, a sense of enough space, an internal measurement of ‘enough time’, an unspecified moment or event between tasks, actions, events. It has an ‘unallocated’ nature that includes a sense of freedom and luxury for me. And it’s linked to guilt, I’m realizing as I write, because lulls are unproductive of course! And inefficient. And in my culturally conditioned beliefs, ‘wasting time’ is never a good thing. Is that why when I’m about to enter a lull, when I sense there might be short unallocated period of time ahead of me, now that I’m more aware of my body, I notice a sinking at the pit of my stomach, an unpleasant feeling? And quickly decide to DO SOMETHING, whether it’s urgent or not, even necessary or not, to fill that space, to relief the uncomfortable sensation in my body?

Stolen . . . leaps to mind. Lulls, if I let them happen, can also seem like down-time that I've taken illicitly, something that must to be hidden from others, or camouflaged in a cloak of usefulness of some sort. Sort of selfish time, time for myself - o no! time. Oouufff. I wasn't aware of this piece of cumbersome baggage I carry! No wonder I have a hard time goofing-off, luxuriating or playing . . . if I have to hide it, cover it up, pretend. Who's ever enjoyed being stealthily playful? Seems like an oxymoron. I realise now that probably somewhere inside I've been equating playtime with an extended lull.

The word choice just flashed into my mind – Of course! Lulls can be choice points – major or minor, but moments when I can actually mindfully choose where to put my next step – if I don’t just fill them quickly to distract myself from the chance to choose. They can be moments to savour the flavour of my life and to change the direction/flow if the current taste isn’t working for me. I can create lulls, allow lulls to happen; I don’t need to avoid lulls or to shorten the lull-time in between ‘tasks’ or events. I don’t need to kid myself that I’m worthy because I’m efficient, effective, I’m accomplishing something - because I’d learned that doing something is ‘good’ and that time not-getting-something-done is wasted/bad. What a crazy belief! Yes, time is precious, yes MY time as me on this planet will run out AND yes I can spend it in ways that I choose to, that serve me. I can even play. I can waste it if that’s what others call what I’m doing (i.e. not doing). I won’t feel uncomfortable/naughty anymore. I'm hoping this isn't just a 'resolution' in my head i.e. I hope this is moving through my cells as I write - something is! Another layer of the guilt vs. luxuriate/enjoy millefeuille that I am?
This lull has served me . . . I’ve learned a bit more about my limiting beliefs. It’s been a Good Lull. I’m going to bring ‘em on and indulge! Notice lulls and play with them, see them for what they are, not for what I’ve believed for so long that they represent and say about me.

Today. Swirling, twirling.

Urgency and restlessness, and/yet knowing I’m in the right spot and I can trust myself here – it’s MY LIFE right now, these days. Part of me is comfortable with this, or at least with the not knowing side of the urgency and restlessness; yet part of me thinks back fondly of a mellow, a thinking-I-knew and a not-restless state, because it was easy. But I’m fully aware that it was also boring and that I don’t want to go back there. So I’ll stick with the agitation, and continue to breathe often and deeply, and welcome the tears, and just see what evolves from within me. I’m watching out for evasive distractions which don’t serve me that I am all to good at creating for myself, and I’m listening to the impulses that draw me towards something. I know/trust that something(s) ‘more’ will emerge from this, and I’ll take it from there. Stay awake! and choose mindfully! are actively in my awareness right now; it’s not been my habitual mode of engaging, and I’m finding it interesting, sometimes - no, often challenging. Let go! Is also something I remind myself each day; I often find myself hanging on, even though I don’t want to. I’ve been saying this for a while now, yet it thrills me each time I repeat it: It’s MY Life, and I’m not going to ignore or forget that any more.
Hence the urgency and restlessness, I guess!

Friendship ‘n Facebook

It seems yesterday’s blog was a good beginning of my exploration of what Friendship means for me. I woke up with ‘information’ rumbling in my 2nd and 3rd chakra and I’m pretty sure it was a result of my pondering last evening. And it continues.
Today I realize I’m really annoyed by Facebook – asking other people to be friends, asking my permission to be included in someone else’s site, feeling wimpy when I don’t fill in all the areas where the site-designers would love me to provide information. I’m not sure what the issue is for ME but it’s more than just not being with it, or feeling too introverted for Facebook’s kind of fun and not really being excited by it’s info-sharing and friend-sharing opportunities. There’s something about the exposure, the structure, the in-my-faceness of it and the connection to my perception of My Friends that’s not mixing well for me.
I joined because I wanted to be able to access Louise’s Facebook sites, and it’s only now that I realize there’s information brewing out of that registration and creation of my account with Fbk and posting my photo etc etc. concoction that I’m getting curious about. I know I can just pull out, I can hide my face so to speak, but I’d rather see where unsettled feeling is leading me. Does my agitation have to do with Facebook at all? Am I still rumbling with the friendship question? Others as reflections of me and trusting myself, and others? Sharing, intimacy? Right now, I’m guessing I won’t write about any insights I gain on Facebook, but who knows.

Rumbling and tumbling with Friendship

A friend suggested I go inside myself and expore what friendship means for me. These are my scratchings, syntax-free and absolutely as they came off my fingertips. If I were to consider/judge what I've written and edit, try to make it more readable, less confusing, I'd probably chuck the whole thing - and stay silent. It’s been an interesting evening for me. I feel way better now as I push the ‘publish’ button than I did when I started this – it’s been ‘useful’ to recognise my OLD beliefs, values and attitudes (bva’s) that still drive my bus far too often/much. See them pop out on the page. Old fears. Old habits. Even though I KNOW it's a quantum/holographic universe, I still fall into old well-worn pattern(s) of thought; hopefully not for much longer. They're getting in my way.

What’s friendship for ME?
A nominalization: for the energy flowing between two people which connects them with a warm, trusting, accepting, stimulating and supporting bond. No room for power or force, no victim/victor; it’s voluntary, and mutual; it’s open-ended. In friendship, there is possibility for any/every emotion to surface. Friendships can last a lifetime, or be of whatever length of time that the energy is maintained. Friendships can ebb and flow. Friendships can change in intensity.
It’s a continuum with acquaintance/casual friend at one end and really good, close friend at the other. The difference? Degrees of acceptance and intimacy. Areas of mutual interest and similar outlook and perceptions of the world are often present, more so with ‘good friends’; friendship between me and people with quite different bva’s and ways of living? – not so deep/close, but there is still a bond/attraction/energetic connection.
Love? Exists towards the ‘good friend’ end of the continuum, before that there is merely interest and curiosity and resonance, and increasingly along the continuum: affection and a sense of closeness, stronger energetic ‘sparks’.
Requirements: respect, acceptance, openness, truthfulness, trust.

Am I my own friend?

Starting again. Where am I, inside, on this – all those lines/thoughts seem too ‘from my head’. Go inside! It's a feeling in my 4th. Not a good feeling there, norin my 2nd. So what are my bva’s re friendships right now? – true, meaningful friendships are fragile, not to be taken for granted, can ‘be misused’ if I impose demands - or vice versa; can ‘die’ if either partner in the f’ship breaks trust, betrays, is untruthful.
I feel friendships are precious goods, not to be squandered or harmed. Why? Without them my life would lose much of it’s shine. Is this true? am I just saying this? Why are friendships valuable? Compared to lots of people, I have few real friends, I can count them on my fingers (and toes, maybe) - but boy, do I ever value those friends. I LIKE/LOVE them. Do I NEED them?
Friends are reflections of some part of myself – I need them to see/hear/sense myself. Is that it?
On my own, I’m scared of – what? Not being able to ‘find’ myself, my edges, my depth? Not being able to keep myself interested – in my life?
If I had no friends . . . I’d find friends. Is this true? or would I go into a deep mode of feeling sorry for myself etc. and self-loathing etc. Why do my friends like me? stay 'with' me? what'd it be like without them? Certainly there's a part of me that fears losing them.

Standing alone – yes, I do, I can. So where do friends come into it? To play with, to reflect off of, to exchange with, to give and take with, to laugh and cry with. Even while I stand alone, and he/she stands alone. And yet we can be together too. Hmmmm.

Luxuriating in a friendship, trusting it; a possibility for me? Or am I always worrying that it’s fragile and a scarce commodity. Is it the friendship that’s vulnerable, or me and my sense of self-worth that's vulnerable? NO wonder I am fearful, can't let down my guard. Don't relax and fully enjoy.

To love someone else I have to love myself. To be a friend with someone, I have to be able to be my own friend. I know this; heard it often enough.

In a Quantum Universe, it’s not so complicated, not so scary.
He/she is a part of me, it's a holograph, I am him/her. So when my friends are me – how come I consider friendship to be such a fragile thing . . . ? something to guard and protect?
It’s because I’m ‘forgetting that it’s a quantum/holographic universe; I’m standing in a scarcity/danger position. I’m not trusting myself, and I’m underestimating the other’s ability to be ok, set their boundaries, fend for themselves – cuz they’re me and I underestimate myself. I'm fearful of imposing, of abusing the gift of friendship. Ultimately, I'm not sure I deserve it. I'm keeping myself small by keeping myself victim to these fears.
If/when I remember what I am and I stand in my own power, then my friends stand in theirs, and everything about Friendship changes for me. And the friendship can just be what it is, I don't have to guard, protect (control?!) or be fearful of it; it will develop and deepen, or not . . . not dangerously, just however it does. There is abundance in this world and a friendship is a safe ‘place’ – until it isn’t a friendship any more because for some reason the connection breaks/fizzles/disappears. The friendship/relationship ends; and I DON"T.

YuuuuHuuuu

I’ve been back in Ottawa for almost 2 weeks – why haven’t I written here yet?
And why did I gravitate to the laptop now instead of grabbing my book, as I thought I would when I dried my hands and left the kitchen with a cup of tea? I’ve too many thoughts rumbling around, and no idea where to start writing. Part of ‘not writing yet’ has to do with a belief that before I can blog I have to have my thoughts clear and figured out, so they’ll look good in print. Anything else is journaling, talking out loud, rambling – and somewhere in me is a belief that I shouldn’t do that in public. After all, I might be boring the reader, or expose the mundaneness of my thought patterns – or both, and more.

If I stick with this belief-ridden conversation for a moment and don’t just brush it off because it’s getting uncomfortable, I see in what I’ve just written that I’m assuming that there will be judgemental readers with no self-preservation skills (is it my job to save her/him from boredom?); and that I have expectations of my ‘writing’ –that it should meet a standard; only then will I consider it worthy of being posted on the blogsite. What does this say about me? Lots. I’m reminding myself of my life-long effort to appear ‘smart’ or at least ‘interesting’ and of the corollary, my dislike of feeling stupid. I see my presupposition that others will be judging me (not just reading me with an open mind and heart) and its corollary: my desire to be accepted, included, not rejected.

I guess THIS is why I was drawn to blogging tonight – I guess I wanted to remind myself of aspects that are a part of me, habits and thought patterns that I developed because they were intelligent for me. And to make me aware again that these are not serving me any more, that they are keeping me small and silent, and goddammit, remind me that I actually KNOW that that’s not who/what I’m going to be any more. But old thought patterns come alive again when/if I’m not paying attention.

So, moving on from that, what leaps to mind to write about now is the image from one of the discussions that came up at Sheila’s group yesterday: Women in Powerful Conversations. In it, I am peeking out from behind a wall. What I see now, after the session yesterday, is that while I know much more clearly what I do NOT want to do, believe, fear, think any more, it’s only a first step and yet I’ve been hiding behind it, not moving forward and exploring all, or even just some of the possibilities that I’m gradually starting to realize that I DO want to create in my life.
As I write, I realize I’m again falling into my own trap of being hard on myself. In fact I HAVE made some big steps toward creating something more meaningful for me; I’m often amazed, astounded, thrilled and proud of the changes around me and in me. And I know I am not only the person playing hide and seek with myself, I am also an explorer – albeit a cautious and confused one. An explorer in hiding – now there’s an oxymoron!

The image of ‘hiding behind what I know I don’t want’ resonated with me for a good reason yesterday, I am sure, and I’m going to stay with some of the questions it raises for a while and see how powerful they might be. Actually, it’s not the questions that will be potent, it’s the feeling I have now in my body that speaks of fire and curiosity and movement. I’ve been hiding because I want to know what’s around the corner before venturing forth. It’s not a new awareness, this knowing that I ‘need to know’, but by creating opportunities to repeat it to myself often, and again here, I’m getting closer to actually accepting ‘not knowing’. It’s becoming increasingly clear (and the intensity in my body right now makes me realize I’m on to something relevant for me here!) that I will not, and cannot know what’s around the corner until I go there. Peeking isn’t enough, it doesn’t get me there. And there’s nobody stopping me from emerging into the open but myself; that’s clear too.
I’ll stay with my fire, curiosity and movement, enjoy them, and see where they take me.

Where to start, six weeks later? Here.

Friday, December 7, 2007

It’s been a wonderful week at Oceanstone; and Louise’s blog on Dec. 6 (http://www.louiselebrun.blogspot.com) captures the intensity and the scope of the discussions we’ve had during the Whispers from Within writing retreat (http://www.wel-systems.com/programs/WR.htm ). In fact, none in the group has written extensively – but that’s not the point; writing was to be a tool to elicit and shape unformulated thoughts and give them expression and voice. New, hidden or untapped thoughts have gurgled and hissed, popped and splashed into the program room even without the help of pens and paper and the impact of the week has been huge for me. I can’t articulate more about it now – it’s all too fresh, too big and too wide to have clarity, and adequate words are escaping me.

Since my last blog a great deal of time has past, and a huge shift in my self-awareness now starts to feel ‘normal’ and no longer revolutionary and destabilizing. My new footing began to take hold during my two weeks in Portugal when I was with Gwen McCauley on a painting program she aptly labeled “Feeding the Muse’ (http://www.ouicoach.com/wor_creativity.html) And the momentum of the shift in my awareness and awakeness has accelerated for me this week. The ‘space’ I’m in now feels more intense and vibrant; I feel stronger and far more ‘at cause’ than I can ever remember – even if I allow for the ‘halo effect’ of a freshly completed experience. I feel enlivened and exhilarated and it’s a wonderful way to end a long week.

I don’t think a summary of my ‘journey’ over the last month is possible – how could I get it all together, let alone briefly? Maybe it’s ‘more useful’ for me to declare where I am today: to state that my life feels immensely different because I now know for certain that I matter in my life, that MY choices are defining my life, and that this important and empowering knowledge is now in my body, not just me ‘head’ and that it’s making a huge difference to everything I think, say and do. I am aware today that I will make choices now from a different base: with consideration of what holds meaning for me and allows me to be truthful to myself, and my guiding ‘principle’ is ME, MY intentions, MY hopes and dreams, my inspiration(s). It sounds very self –ish, doesn’t it! And it is; other people who’ve ‘enjoyed’ my kind of upbringing will be wringing their hand in dismay (or wailing and gnashing their teeth) because I’m breaking out into thoroughly forbidden territory: I’m putting me/myself/moi at the centre of my life and I’m going to be living knowing that every moment counts, every choice, every step I take. Matters to me, and matters to the universe because my energetic expression is part of all that’s around us. A tiny part of all that is, I’ll admit, but not insignificant!

I’ll head home on Sunday, and I’m keen to see how this new ME I’ve described moves through my ‘real’ world, my daily life – away from the immense safety of the program room and familiar, fellow Whisperers. I will pay attention to how it feels inside, and how changes occur when I stay true to myself, go for/choose ‘impact over nice’ – to use Louise’s words from her blog. By choosing actions and activities that hold meaning for me, and by surrounding myself and/or discovering people who, to quote Louise again, “are massive in their potential, strong in voice and shameless in their willingness to wrap their hands around what they want and engage”, I am aware that my life will be very different. That thought used to frighten me; now it’s an invitation to discover, experience and enjoy.
So stay tuned: Over the longer term because my ‘hopes and dreams and inspirations’ that I alluded to (above) intrigue and excite me; and right now, I have NO shape or form to give to them. In the more immediate future, I’m going to learn how to include photos on this blog. There are several shots from last month in Portugal that I want to share because they are an expression of me, of shapes and scenes that excited me that I captured in colour instead of words. So it’s tempting to include them here. After all: I’m here, blogging, expressing myself out loud in any way that works. Works for ME, that is!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Three days since writing the piece above, the wonderful Ideas Festival (http://anneberube.blogspot.com/2007/10/ideas-festival.html) is still flashing up in my mind with scenes, sounds, conversations, thoughts and people that I hope will stay alive and vibrant in me, and the first day back home is under my belt. I have found myself reacting to people and situations differently and sense that I am living from a ‘new’ space within me today. I can’t describe it, but what I wrote on Friday gives an idea of what I’m experiencing; I noticed myself taking a self-ish approach to choosing, to answering, to deciding, to suggesting. It’s MY life! popped to mind frequently, like a tune that I can’t stop humming – only this one doesn’t drive me crazy. Quite the opposite.

Yet – the paradox is striking – while I’m focused on being selfish and practicing the art of ‘checking in with myself’ for guidance (and not basing my choices on the expectations or opinions of others – to state this in clearer terms, just in case!) I’m simultaneously aware of how I am more appreciative and aware, more loving of others around me. It’s a fairly recent development, and I’ll be honest, and I don’t find everybody loveable, not yet, at least! So much of my life I have been fearful of others. My perception/attitude was !watch out or I’ll get hurt! – clearly a severely limiting belief. I am learning to see ‘people’ more clearly as unique and wonderful, as reflections of me in some ways, and I sense a connection in a larger sense: others aren’t forces to contend with but they are godforces to grow with. It’s as if, by seeing myself more clearly, by accepting/valuing myself and allowing myself to make MY choices, I am simultaneously creating a more welcoming/trusting space on MY holodeck and others have more room to play. It’s the abundance-safety discussion from another angle; and probably there will be many more angles of it for me to wake up to. Thankfully I am actively, rapidly moving away from my previously firmly held position at the danger/scarcity end of the continuum.

Over the Festival Weekend, I was surrounded by hugely alive, appealing and interesting people, both the participants and the presenters, each with an amazing ability and willingness to let me see them. I surprised myself when I realized the extent of the love and caring I felt for this group; tears flowed – wonderment about my depth of feeling.

The penny dropped last night that while much of my attraction to the festival presenters was their openness, it was also hugely influenced by my admiration for them: they had all created something visible/audible/tangible; they had come bearing gifts that they had created from within themselves that expressed who they are. And I had come empty-handed. A third chakra “NO MORE” welled up inside me at this realization. Watching others with admiration as they express themselves, feeling ok about myself by piggy-backing on others’ creativity and imagination is not working; it is NOT enough for me any more. The time has come for me to really hear those truthful roars that come from deep inside me and act on them. I know that now.