Moving On, Moving Over

And in that spirit, here's my new blogsite: http://yippeeee2.blogspot.com/

Distrust

That did it! just that one word at the right moment.
I was bopping along after a wonderful morning so far - great walk through the early Sunday market streets, delicious coffee at home afterwards, 'nother walk with a close friend. I was getting ready to paint and on an impulse, I checked my emails. Following a link to what Louise posted today . I started reading with interest, reading with my head I suppose. Until I reached the second paragraph where she lists a few powerful words we've all heard millions of times: Rage. Outrage! Grief. Resentment. Distrust. Self-loathing. I didn't even make it to 'self-loathing'. The enormous wave of energy that surged through me as 'distrust' went from the screen to my body (not my head) was quite something; and it continued for a while, in waves. Thankfully I knew to let it move, to relax my body and keep breathing and I welcomed the power and strength of the sensations in my body as it went through the process of (long overdue!) awareness and acceptance and integration of the vibration of distrust.
For me, now that my body has somewhat stabilised, the nominalisation brings to mind lots of images of people and situations and stories that I knew, or more accurately sensed, at the time I couldn't trust, were not 'honest'. The charge in the word has dissipated although I sense there is lots of rage and outrage still in me that's related to the theme that I will be integrating as the day/week continues. I HOPE I will, for sure; I've been limiting myself by keeping them hidden 'n quiet (as I was taught to do - by people I trusted).
The first insight has been: no wonder trusting myself is often such a leap of faith when DIStrust has been so potent in my life. And no wonder I spent enormous effort to create a space for me that I could trust, feel safe in - which wasn't ever that because 'distrust' still drove my bus. Am I making sense? - seems circular, but I'll just keep writing. So limiting, so full of fear. oooof, rage and outrage rise in me at the realisation.
And the second insight is: no wonder I'm on an honesty whatever the cost path now, and have been for a while. The connection to 'distrust' wasn't clear to me before; what I sense now is that my Self however, did! And my urgent need for honesty that's grown to huge proportions over the last few years, my recent willingness to decloak to myself and others has probably been an out-of-awareness surge for survival of my innerself; I finally hear, accept and yes, even though it's been a rollercoaster - TRUST myself.
Third - and last for now as I sense I'm still shaking an this 'insight' is a fuzzy one: Louise's often repeated wise recommendation: "you hear what you hear, see what you see and know what you know" was truly greek to me 3 years ago. My layers and layers of a callous of distrust (I'm seeing today) blocked those words from REALLY touching me. And it certainly wasn't how I'd lived my life. I've not been aware of just how well I'd allowed myself to not see/hear/know - I guess because I wanted to trust but knew deep down inside I couldn't/shouldn't - what I was being told/shown didn't match with my reality.
I know my distrust goes far far back into my early youth; it feels really old - and I'm not going to investigate why or when; it's not relevant. I'm going to let whatever's rumbling today about all this keep moving, though; i don't think the waves are over. I probably shouldn't even be posting this blog - on the other hand, why hide my confusion and excitement any longer? I can trust them, and myself.

Stretching My Mind and Booking Out

I'm getting so good at 'booking out' when whatever's going on doesn't feel good (to ME) - who'd 'uv thought I could be so 'selfish' and impolite, eh? I'm still helpful at times, and still do most of the laundry and a large part of the groceries and 'adult-food' cooking 'round here, but when the conversations lag 'n drag, or the kiddie noise level gets even slightly way-too-much-for-me, I vamoose. Works for me!
I've been reading Brian Greene's 'The Fabric of the Cosmos'- which is amazing. The book is amazing, but it's also truly amazing that I'm reading it. Never having had any school physics is maybe in my favour as I don't have to UNlearn anything. But 'the universe' is far beyond anything I thought I was interested in! I'd never been interested in the night sky - it seemed to be about memorising names and getting interested in configurations that are recognisable and "i should know', neither of which did it for me (especially as I've been short-sighted since I was 12). Now THERE's a metaphor i want to get curious about (later!). The book has fascinated me because for the first time I'm reading a somewhat easy-to-understand explanation of currently accepted theories about, as the cover says: space, time and the texture of reality. The 'fundamental nature of the universe' is WAY bigger than my focus had ever wandered: my reading over the last 40 years, when not novels and the news, and the New Yorker, had been about current politics and economics, international development, sustainable cities and social history and geography. All here/now issues and Interesting Problems To Fix. And more recently I've been reading, mostly, books listed on or leading out of from to the Wel-Systems Institute suggestions that are more 'scientific' and are certainly getting me into areas I'd known NOTHING about : Bruce Lipton, Candace Pert, Lynne McTaggart, Ervin Laszlo. (See wel-systems.com) So I suppose the progression outward to 'the universe' has been a 'logical' expansion of my horizon, but i still find it amazing that I can hardly put Brian Greene's book down . . . And next on my pile is Michio Kaku and Stanislas Grof.
No wonder I'm booking out of as many boring and/or mundane conversations as I can, 'round here and r econsidering how 'ehlpful' I'm going to be. - There are SO MANY other ways to have a good time and stretch my imagination.

Peeling off another layer of an old story

I've neither blogged nor journaled since the EF:EW week in June.
All the options seemed too slow as the thoughts and insights whizzed past. But that's the trouble . .
they whizzed past and I have to trust that as each thought/awareness
passed through me it left a piece o' the popcorn IN me, and that when
I need it it'll be there for me.
Many of the 'insights' were useful at the time, certainly; some of the
thoughts were NO MORE OF THIS dammit - and I think those'll stick as
they came with fire. I'm still finding 'new' evidence my amazing and
long track-record of tolerating stuff that is way beyond tolerable; I
notice each time - and it happens frequently, I'm horrified to see,
that I'm left with: I really dunno what 'no more of this' will mean,
but i'll soon find out! It's invigourating . . . whereas the
'intolerable' was debilitating (I NOW realise). No wonder I had 'no
energy' and 3rd chakra symptoms for years!
Some of my whizzing thoughts were clearly results of the EF:EW
discussions: e.g. what I create IS and expression of me and I haven't
been making that connection. And now, when I do, it's pretty damn
amazing to actually see ME in the vase - instead of seeing 'just' a
lovely colourful cheerful satisfying bunch of flowers that I'd put on
the table.
Earlier today - which seems as far back as I can retrieve specific
content! - I had a huge surge of an old familiar feeling that I didn't
like. I got out of the house and after letting it move through me, I
sensed it had to do with waking up to the now-undeniable truth that
'I'm 'NOT fitting in', I am truly out of place here. I also sensed
that my strong dislike of the feeling in my body was because it came
from the deeper, very strong fear . . . if I don't fit in, then what?
Nothing Good in that for me! I'll be on the outside, looking in,
disliked, rejected, abandoned - or worse.
Eyes wide open, I looked out in front of me at the early morning view
and breathed the cool air and felt the warming sun on my body, and
welcomed the realisation: This is/I am ME, now, July 4 2008, and if I
don't fit in, so what. And it felt good. It felt great to know I'm me
and ok, in fact. It was clear that nothing about 'not fitting in' is
fearful; that's an old childhood-based fear in fact. And also, in
fact, Not Fitting In is more than ok, it's empowering. Fitting In
brings 'too small a box' to mind, or pretzeling myself, or cutting off
the parts of myself that are too big/ that don't fit. WHY would I ever
want to do that, eh? So to hell with what's going on here on with
who's here that I wanted to fit in with (PAST tense, notice!). ALL I'm
going to do is to make sure I'm creating an environment for me, a here
and now, where I enjoy being here being me.
At the EB level, that meant that I made myself a coffee and some
cereal, ate it alone on the porch, picked and arranged the last of the
peonies - making the house look the way I wanted it to right then,
set up my paints for the first time in a couple of weeks and splashed
and swirled reds and yellows over a page. Ultimately it's probably not
big enough here and now for me, but at least today's here and now is
MINE and that's a huge beginning. I sense it'll grow as I allow it to.
At a 'higher' level, I was clear/am clear that I'm in a different
space than this morning - and it feels much better - geesh, why can't
I write 'wonderful' or shout whoppeeee at you all out there . . . Surely I
can give myself permission to toot my own horn now? Yep, I can. Heh.
Block your ears, ladies! It feel #(*$&#$^*^^ great!
The penny is REALLY dropping again - even tho' I thought I'd got it
well enough (!) in Oceanstone - I was so well-conditioned to Trying To
Fit IN that I'd missed the point: that there's actually nothing out
there to Fit In To . . . it's a whole safety/acceptance/worthiness
story I'd built for myself. The myth of 'the group', the family, the
marriage, The Rock. And how many more invitations will I have to give
myself before I've truly got it???
Proof; Everyone else (Stefan, my daughter, the 4 grandchildren and the
great teenaged day-sitter) has gone about their own day, from the
looks of it they're happy to be themselves in their own reality. They
are all them - individual godforces doing their own things.
And I am ME in my 'reality' . . . where there's space and moving air
and vibrant colours ( if/when I don't try to fit in to their
realities). And I've no idea what the afternoon now holds for me, but
it won't be a case of me fitting in. I Promise (myself).

EF:EW - Thoughts and declarations

This 4-day program, once again, was wonderful; very helpful, stimulating and enlivening; an experience not an event. (http://www.louiselebrun.com/Women/Entrepren.htm) I’m not going to try to describe it; instead I will let the after-glow play in my body, welcome further insights that bubble up like slow after-shocks, and remember the engaged, lively, intense conversations with enjoyment and amazement. I’ve returned home feeling GREAT which feels mostly like feeling new, not just renewed nor revived nor merely changed - although those words are applicable too.

A snake leaps to mind: I’ve been shedding skins (actually I’ve been metabolizing blocked information/energy – but let’s play snake and shed ‘em for now) as I advanced along my journey through the Wel-Systems garden of programs. Last week a few more layers peeled off and so today, I feel a little bare; the skin I've exposed is so much less thick (callused?). I feel a bit raw, and unprotected by my old ‘coat’ that in fact was not protecting me: it was restricting me.. This now feels different, lighter and more agile; freer. I know I’ll be more sensitive to and aware of what I slither over (still gracefully!?); it’ll mean I’ll choose my path more mindfully; it’ll be MY path each day, each moment, and I’ll see/hear/notice any rough patches when I create them and not plough through them willy-nilly any more with a stiff upper lip or a brave smile – as I’ve done so proficiently until now.
Snakes are all-body-no-intellect. Standing on my own two feet, I’m going to check in with my inner Self from now on, constantly, and choose based on what I ‘hear’ instead of acting on information from my head and my cultural conditioning. Snakes, being what they are, MUST be very externally referenced; they must negociate defensively, reactively, in their given environment. I’ve done that until now, I now realise. But going forward, I will not continue this – after all, I’m not a snake.

I, as a godforce expressing mySelf in this holographic universe as Lucy in my human body, am able to create my environment, my holodeck. The biggest ‘outcome’ from the EF:EW experience last week is that I know, and more importantly feel-in-my-body that my days of cautiously slithering (often away from opportunities), of fearfully negociating my way through badlands and of dodging perceived or actual dangers in the landscape are over. Enough! No need! Done that! It doesn’t work for me! From now on: I connect with mySelf, I stay connected and awake, I choose, and my landscape/world will unfold before me and I will move into it, engaged and engaging.

If I try, I can clearly remember/feel my shock and awe, dismay, anger, disappointment with myself each time I became fully aware of a ‘skin’ that was covering, limiting, encasing me and determining how I moved and what I felt as I moved along (or stayed still – which was often the case). I can also recall/recapture the relief, excitement, sense of hope and expansion resulting from spotting/naming a ‘skin’ because I knew that I didn’t have to wear it any longer, once I’d recognized it for what it was and accepted it as a part of my being. My ‘inadequate/not up to the job’ –ness, and my unworthy/unaccepted – ness, and my lonely/abandoned –ness, and hence my resulting fearfulness and unending ability to hunker down and either to not see/hear/know or to tolerate what I was creating are still part of me, but they will no longer govern my state of being; they will no longer guide my decisions and rule my life.

Most of the time in this ‘old’ state (and old is not understatement: I’ve let myself stay in it for almost sixty years), I would disconnect from myself and observe myself moving/acting/complying/obliging/following in order to avoid or to feel less ‘pain’. Living this way - disconnected and externally referenced and thus un-authentically, does NOT equal Living Fully. I’m done with living dis-connected, hunkered-down and half-sized. It’s not much fun; it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t allow for my signal to express itself in this world. And I really, really want to beep/whirr/sparkle from now on. Checking in with mySelf, seeing what I see, hearing what I hear, knowing what I know, and choosing what feels right for me sounds so easy; it has NOT been my primary modus vivendi to date - and it’s going to be from now on.

Tonight I feel, sense, know inside that I’ve rounded a really crucially important bend: I’m fully aware that it’s up to me, and possible for me, to choose ME, to be ME on my own path. And that by staying fully aware of, and awake to ME (of my signal from Self) the path unfolds for me. I’ve thought I was ‘here’ before . . . now I know I’m much more ‘here’ - the EF:EW program this week made many things clearer – there’s nothing more clarifying than speaking out loud, hearing myself tell a supportive group of friends about myself and as a result, finally see clearly that which I’d been hiding from my awareness, that which I was not allowing myself to know.

So it’s clear to me now that I’ve got to be ‘here’: my own Living Fully depends on it and it’s my choice. Remember what I’ve already quoted/blogged about before? If I want to have x, I’ve got to do a+b PLUS c. And anything less than a+b+c won’t get me x. What became shockingly clear to me this week is how extremely dis-connected I have been. (Is that like extremely pregnant? Either you’re pregnant are or you’re not? I guess so – but for me, extremely feels like the right adjective for my dis-connected-ness). In this ‘new for me’ but not new context, where c is crucial: What if: a = choose me (what feels right for me), b = be me (not my cultural conditioning), c = stay connected to me and x = living fully? Maybe x includes immensely, expandingly, full power, full sparkle? Who, me? Why not, eh. I think I’d look good wearing x; totally different from who/what I’ve been/felt like ‘til now, that’s for sure. Jeepers, I think it’s already happening.

Jeepers!

I’ve just read Louise’s latest blog (There is a Storm Brewing: http://www.louiselebrun.com/WomenGathering/?p=46) and I’m wondering: Holy Shit JUST WHAT have I signed up for!?
I KNOW I want to be part of Big Conversations, actively participating and truly being present, and I clearly remember not so long ago that I KNEW that intensity was fearsome, not for me and certainly ‘not me’. So, two weeks from now, the 4-day ‘Emerging Futures: Entrepreneurial Women’ at Oceanstone might be something I’ve never experienced before in more ways that I am aware of! The cast of players, and the sense of ‘something’s happenin’ and I dunno what it is’ that we all seem to be aware of right now in our individual ways, mean that I might want to either fasten my seat belt, hunker down and take some gravol, or shout yipppeeee and surrender into the flow of whatever unfolds as our energies combine. It could be the wildest ride into the unknown that I’ve ever taken. And it’s my choice; it’s my holodeck!
What surprises ME most it that I sense inside me that I’m up for this even though I have NO idea what ‘I’m up for’. I’ve clearly shifted my approach to Life. Previously I’d have I checked ‘it’ out, assessed numerous possible outcomes as best I could and ‘made sure’, opted for (perceived) safety; or I’d have externally referenced the decision (another form of safety) or I’d have made up a story that fitted. And then I’d have spent the 4-days making sure that the experience matched the expectations, again, that it fitted, was safe etc etc etc.
How small-making! Crazy-making! A closed loop, for sure. As I know now, there was an intelligence for me to live that way – but that was then.

As I ‘check in with my body’ I get a YES, Be There (with a butterfly or two making a faint take-off attempt); trust this impulse, Lucy! Trust ME.
As I learned when I Told My Story out loudthree weeks ago (or was it only two?), so much of my life was spent alone, or trying to fit in to a group so as not to be alone, or pretending I actually did fit into a group and kidding myself that this felt ok. So some of my faint butterfly sensation is a hangover that’s still in a few cells, I guess: do I really ‘belong’ in a program with these other amazing, strong, restless and fearless women? Will they ‘accept’ me? Old fears. A more relevant ‘concern’, given my five decades of limiting myself: Will I actually be able to accept the part of me that avoided intensity and not-knowing and instead access/live that part of me that’s intense, curious, daring/courageous and really really wants to surrender fully into life - instead of thinking about it or hiding from it?
As I write, I’m aware that I’m/that’s in my head. In my body, there’s a YES I CAN access that part of me, and a Get Going, Lucy! that makes me realize that the intense, curious, daring/courageous part of me is alive and kicking, it’s actually not buried very deep any more, except when I fall asleep and allow old limiting, habituated reponses to swamp me, or when stay in my head and make up/repeat old stories ‘cuz they sound familiar and it’s so easy to go/slip back to the known.

Too bad EF:EW isn’t this coming week.
I herewith resolve to, in anticipation, create my own versions of a memorable experience of splashing around in the unknown; no editing; randomness here I come. I know that “it doesn’t have to be difficult” – it merely requires me to get out of my way. And I don’t have to do this alone; my play-group might be less overtly Ready To Rock than the up-coming EF:EW adventuresses but I’ll choose the best explorers that I can find ‘round here. And three home-made 4-day intensives and it’ll almost be time to go and play with the EW’s by the water in the sunshine. Heh! Intensity! I’ve signed myself up. YIKES and YES!

Too Fast to NOT

Since my last blog, which seems to me now like a long long time ago, I've been MOVING - both in the Wel-systems way of letting information unblock and assimilate itself in my body, and in the Moving Right Along way. So much seems to happen each day, and the hours pass so quickly and so interestingly that I couldn't NOT notice the change in me, even if I were trying to kid myself that nothin' had happened. It's as if the air has become less dense around me and I can move through it effortlessly.

re blogging: The 'problem' isn't that I don't have recent stuff I'd like to exude over, marvel about or ponder over, on paper. And it's not that I don't like the speed I'm experiencing, or even the intensity I'm feeling (THAT's radical as I knew myself as Ms. Intensity Avoidance). It's partly that I don't take the time, don't slow down enough, don't just sit down and write; I find I'm chosing to NOT blog at this point - the sensation of the warm breeze filling my sails is too lovely, right now. And it's partly that, as 'everything' changes so quickly, a thought or an impulse that I might write about would 'uv become obsolete by the time I'd 'uv finished writing. At least that's what briefly flashes in my mind whenever Hey! blog again, Lucy! zooms through me as one of many options.

I don't feel my foot is consciously on the gas pedal, and I DO feel I'm steering the car/bus as it moves forward on it's own. The pavement's good; the potholes are not too deep, nor too abundant; the road I'm zipping along seems wide and endless. I feel like I just got my license. I'm seeing green lights ahead right now - after all, I get to choose the street lights on my holodeck.
It's a stick shift I'm driving; it's a paradigm shift I'm living.