Honesty, honestly!

Moving along in a 6-Day mindfulness is interesting . . . for me right now, it’s about being awake, and letting go, and allowing, and not knowing. It’s what I’ve been able to do more or less successfully since Wel-systems, but the ‘new context’ of the 6-Day scenario has added a different dimension; a useful space for me to play with, play in.

My sense of TIME, once again, seems wonky; I’ve had this before, and it’s noticeably strong again now. Some phone calls seem interminable even though they only last 13 minutes. Others seem really quick although they also lasted 13 minutes. (My phone shows me the length of a call, and I’ve started to notice it.) Today flew past, last night seemed long. A fire alarm in the building could be blamed, although standing outside on the sidewalk at I.30 on a balmy August night can’t be called suffering; there was no fire, no problem –except some fault in ‘the system’. What does that mean in, from a Wel-systems perspective? The residents chatted, compared ‘how’s your summer been’ stories and returned to their apartments with friendly ciaou’s or g’nights. I’ve no idea how long we were outside; the sound of the alarm went on ‘forever’ and the exhaust from the 3 firetrucks that stood, engines running, in the middle of the street at-the-ready was annoying (both the smell, the pollution and the waste of fuel) but that’s how ‘the system’ works according to the fire department’s protocols.

Systems seem to be a recurring word/concept for me tonight, don’t they?! And it’s about systems that aren’t ‘working’ for me, isn't it. Hmmmm.

What will tomorrow’s time-frame feel like, I wonder with curiosity, not concern. And will I bump up against other systems? I hope it won’t be the provincial police’s speeder-catching system because I’m going to drive to Montreal to celebrate my very oldest friend’s 60th birthday over lunch with another wonderful ‘old’ friend. I’ve known the birthday-girl since kindergarden; and the third woman at the table has been in my life since I was 10. We don’t feel like the cliché version of 60, or 58 for that matter – unless we look in the mirror, of course. These two ‘girls’ are important/meaningful to me – we talk honestly, openly, and have a lot of fun. They’re supportive, in the abstract, of my ‘journey of discovery’ these last 2 years and they’re interested, in the abstract, about Wel-Systems; we share enthusiasm for some of the reading we have in common. AND I’m very aware that I’ve never told them of my blog . . . so how honest am I? Tears well up, as I write.
In a 6-Day game, what have I got to lose by giving them the URL, I wonder? In ‘real’ life, what do I fear from those whom I consider ‘best friends’. I’m gonna breathe on/around this one! I’m running out of TIME.
Intellectually at least, I want to stop playing games like this with myself and my “good, old friends’. What holds me back? My bva’s! – the one’s I declare irrelevant and history, yesterday? Darn.
As I’ve heard often enough: breathing is good, so I’ll close now and do so, deeply, with no concern for the time I might ‘need’ to process this . . . A wonky sense of time is ok by me and lack of honesty with myself and those I love isn’t – any more.
Ciaou; g’night.