Living as if

Has anyone else been tempted by Louise’s question in her recent blog (http://www.louiselebrun.blogspot.com/) : What if I would have only 6 days left to live? On the drive back from the cottage I started wondering what that might mean for me,

Within seconds, the landscape became brighter, the scenery, cloud formations and plays of light on the hills and fields were enchantingly beautiful - although an hour later the smog over Montreal’s downtown core was an unavoidably, threateningly, dark grey goop. All in all, the intensity heightened within and around me; I was so awake and aware of my immediate environment. It was so amazing to see how easily and fast that happened, just be asking a new question, by changing the context.

Inside my body, lots was going on and my thoughts were flying in all directions. I felt relief mixed with awe because it was, all of a sudden, glaringly apparent to me that my culturally conditioned self, with my beliefs values and attitudes (bva’s), is so totoally irrelevant in a 6 Day Scenario.
Louise blogged about warring religious zealots who might awaken to their ‘investment in misery’. The penny dropped for me when I read her comment that I have been zealously living by, and guarding/defending, my beliefs and values. Not always those of my parents or teachers – many I have rejected or reframed (protest, yes! and yet it’s still the same conversation). But mostly, I have blindly been living my bva’s, out of habit; and believing (that word again!) I must defend/uphold/live by them – maybe as a way of defining myself in my world? It’s been my personal ‘investment in misery’ - my own. I’d never thought of it as misery but as I read Louise’s sentence my stomach contracted tangibly. While the conversation about small boxes and ‘break out of them, Lucy!’ is not new for me any more, I’m intrigued with the effect of bringing in the element of misery that is so connected to, so often a result of zealousness, judgements, defending beliefs, and of the restriction these beliefs and rules impose on movement (by narrowing thought and action). Louise was thinking of wars fought ‘for religion’ around the world, but the word ‘misery’ works for me, locally – I had created my own little war zone!

I see that I’m not able to write coherently about what buzzed in my head yesterday, and still rumbles in me now; yet I feel there’s something worth saying – my agitation tells me so. So I’ll keep going, hoping you, readers, will find some nuggets in all of this!

As I tried to think of ‘what has meaning for me’ in this new context of only 6 days left, there was a rushing panic moving though my body because nothing leapt to mind: I do not have a long-held dream to fulfill. In the past, I have not given myself permission to dream and it seems to be a hard talent to acquire ‘on demand’.

What I did sense, and still do, is a ‘need’ (desire? dream?) to go out with a bang . . . and I’m finding the urgency of ‘only 6 days’ is daunting. This game is focusing my attention – obviously it’s a useful exercise for me!

Since returning to Ottawa, where did “my 6 day game” go? It fizzled. I silenced it, until writing about it now. Why? I remember that as I neared home, I had become bogged down in the difference between asking myself questions about who/what would I BE before the/my bang and what would I DO to create the bang. I had caught a whiff of a sense of my feelings of deep caring and love (in the abstract) . . . and a sense of this ‘game’ is something I’m going to play more with.

As soon as I got off the highway, I hopped right back into my old skin, bva’s and all; habits and patterns; duties and responsibilities. I called Time Out; I didn’t mention my fascination with these thoughts to anyone, and became predictable and practical - and the afternoon lost it’s magic.
Why did I get off the playing field and abandon the game? What am I afraid of? The intensity and urgency that the game started to imply? The fun I was having, just thinking about it? That I might live it, not just think it? Change? Flow?

Monday morning:
I wrote this piece last night and I left it to reread this morning before deciding whether to post it or not.
It’s a glorious morning, the sun and air are clear and refreshing and I’m just back from a walk through the market with a wonderful friend. We chatted about various unconnected things - it is a very pleasant way to begin the day.

In the clear light of This Monday Morning: I notice that I AM actually living as if my personal, misery-making war zone is behind me, history. I am aware that this summer, I have allowed myself to enjoy and accept things, others, and situations without judgement, and that I was –for the most part! – not zealously defensive or combative – and without feeling I’m letting down my team. And as a spin off, I’ve learned that can be more gentle with and accepting of myself, the retired warrior, and it’s ok! I can be happier, more open, more present – and things get easier, not tougher. At this point, I’m not making a bang; it feels more like a little ripple or gurgling noise of a brook . . . I’m ok with that right now - at least it’s audible!

This summer, I was unwilling to accept that others around me were still very ready to see me as the old adversary they knew well – understandable from their point of view, I guess, but not the result I wanted. It’s getting clearer for me: I want to be seen for who I am now, who I am inside – and for that I will have to speak up and out, and . . . yes, not just think about living but actually LIVE as if I only have 6 days more.
On my mark, get set, go!