New Dance Tune(s)

Are YOU wondering how my self-initiated, giving myself permission to play is going? Well, two weeks later and I’m starting to wonder too.
The ‘facts: I spent one day-and-a-half ‘painting’, and I enjoyed the process a lot. I was focused and calm and ‘into it’; the results are not overwhelming and that’s ok. I look at them and remember the enjoyment I had in creating the colours and shapes. Besides that I have had some spurts of journaling or blogging and I shot a few photos.
The 'concerns': I’ve found numerous reasons to not play, or to half-play and I’m wondering what’s up. For instance I’ve just come back from a 3-hour photography course – interesting, fun, and certainly a form of procrastination if ‘results’ are part of this. And/but if growing and learning are part of playing, then of course, this falls within the project’s guidelines so I can pat myself on the back. Is that the point? And anyway, then what?

Lots of questions buzz within me. Do I feel guilty? What’s playing anyway? Did I give myself permission to do what I want to do, to do it consciously, or was ‘the project’ to actually sit down and paint/write/shoot photos? Is it that I have nothing to show for my two weeks of allowed-to-play-to-my-heart’s-content that is in my awareness (worries me is too strong a term) or is it that it didn’t feel like work? or what? And what good would it do if I could answer all of these? None.
I basically KNOW that I should just let go of all these perceived dilemmas, and that ALL of this mind-teasing, question posing game is another form of hiding, avoiding exploring deeper within myself; it’s a form of teasing myself. I’m only thinking about living when I do this.
Am I really into self-torture and slow, slow incremental change? Why did I create this little project BOX for myself? To give myself something to squeeze myself into (again!)? Even tho I purposely left most issues open-ended, the fact that I drew up 'a project' in the first place means I've set a framework for me to stay within. Is that useful? NO. Possibly it felt safe. And that's not useful in the long run either. I've done safe. But I seem to still search for it, when/if I'm not awake. Safe lures me back into my coma. Or maybe it's my coma that draws me back to searching for safe. Yet I know that safe isn't safe for me; I've had it with safe - intellectually at least; maybe my body is still growing into this awareness?

At times in the last two weeks, I did give myself full permission to let my body lead me . . . with the result that last weekend I dissolved into movements and waves. And other days I was anally organizational (sorting my winter clothes; buying a practical container for my paints and brushes so that setting up to paint is much easier now). All useful, but I was putting off actually ‘playing’ fully, creatively, whole-heartedly. And then there’s the day or two where I saw friends over coffee, or time spent pondering on the phone. Was I mindfully living and letting energy flow, or were these 'wasting time' or old habituated actions (safe ones) that I reverted back into because I’m scared of focusing myself to actually attempt to create something that’s meaningful to me, of stepping into the void?
Or are these also forms of explorations and growth, of inviting whispers from my silent places to gain their voice, and of 'letting things unfold' without a plan-of-action to refer to? And am I just falling back into my well-honed talent of beating up on myself, making things more complicated than they need be – in fact: tripping over myself?
And I think I know that THIS answer is a big yes!

And as it happens, the theme of be gentle, ease up, have some compassion with myself! has come up so often in various ways this week it’s now almost a throbbing in my head. When it first came to my awareness I dissolved into tears and movement, there was such a strong resonance. Now, it feel more like a helpful reminder, a welcome nudge – albeit a strong one. And it’s got some rhythm.
Anita’s blog today mentions it in terms of The Overachiever. Her blog reminds me that a healthy dose of humour would be helpful too – in fact, I realize, there’s lots of resonance here for me - and not just for the ‘achievement’ issue! I’ll let lighten up! throb alongside the ease up! message this coming week . . . the tune will be quite catchy and - if I let it, it'll stick with me and set a lighter tone for ME 'n MySelf to dance to - all signals bopping brightly.

No answers; new story

I've been following Louise’s blogs this week with even more interest than usual (Is that possible!?) - remembering my week in June, wishing I were in Oceanstone again now AND knowing I'm also glad to be here and just living their “Leadership Redefined” week vicariously. I also feel that 'leadership' is the wrong word; Louise has been ‘battling’ this problem for a long time – surely we can solve this. And 'awakeLivingness' just doesn't have the right ring, does it!

So many of Louise's blog-sentences leapt off my screen at me, as reflections of what I experienced then and of what I've been pondering (again) this week - as if I had been in the program room again. And with that comes the welcome realisation that I AM moving forward and not merely repeating things, albeit confusedly. Most of the time, recently, I can say that I HAVE moved into a/the leadership position. (An aside: what’s missing is any idea of where my leadership might lead. I ‘know’ that this shouldn’t worry me, but it’s a leap as I used to Need To Know and there’s still some of that in my body, for sure.) I am very aware of huge changes in my bva’s and thoughts about me and my place in this world as a piece of the puzzle. And as a result how I move/act has changed which makes me 'look' tough/hard and impatient at times, and just disinterested at other times - because that's what I am! I’m sometimes put off by the tough/hard me; I too had accepted myself as sweet ‘n smiling because I’d successfully hidden my tough (strong? honest?) side from myself). I'm more familiar with the disinterested/impatient me; I’d known full well that there is that side of me, and that I’d tried to hide it from others. And I sense that my husband's not so keen on any of these traits and feels either regretful, left out and/or defensive, so this sentence of Louise’s rings very relevant today even though I’m not sure where it takes me:
"Before we can find its meaningful expression, we must redefine leadership so that we can live it in ways that do not destroy us and the people we love."

I’m noticing that 'standing alone' - a huge factor in what we’re calling reclaimed leadership, is a lot easier. In fact, standing alone has stated to feel 'normal' and especially when I AM on my own. . . it's the connecting to the 'old' others that's more difficult right now. Especially when I don't have much to show others about who I am becoming (except the impatient toughy). It's as if my (new) less judgemental position, the more letting go- inviting - and - allowing - me doesn't register on their screens - they just see old 'smiling, sweet Lucy' still, I guess! I read this last sentence and I realize now it’s up to me to expose ‘new’ me better so that there’s no doubt, no confusion, about what “others’ see. And as OTHERS are my creations, others are reflections of me etc etc. maybe it’s all about ME not clearly seeing (or believing in?) the ME that I’m becoming? Hmmmm.

Back to what I was going to say, before that holographic universe penny dropped: A huge breakthrough last weekend was when I became aware of how much FEAR of others, and fear of life, in fact of myself was COEXISTING with my love of people, of life and yes, even of myself - and how crazy making this cohabitation is; these are irreconcilable room-mates. It hit me that this is one mighty big mama that is not allowing me to really step into full five-star leadership. And in a flash I knew I could/would rewrite THE STORY of those fears i.e. reclaim a life without those androgenous-baby-fears. Turn the page, start a new story . . . and now, since I recovered from the physical stuff that moved in and through my body, it's been a new, great week.
Maybe by breaking my foot in June, and with my fractured elbow last month, I was trying to point out to myself the double/split life I was leading; that the retardant, fearful me and the awake, expanding me - two powerful energies, were pulling me apart, were tripping me up, stopping me in my tracks, holding me back. Certainly, since last weekend, by realizing I can start a new story, I feel whole-er, and less torn in two. And I think my healing bones ache less too.

Those old fears could, I suppose, try to come back to haunt me. I will really try to remember that I’m NOT writing a ghost story this time ‘round.
In this current story so far, I’ve been frequently impatient, openly disinterested, and quick to say no even when yes would have been nicer and easier. And that’s probably why my story WILL evolve into one of creating/recognising opportunities for myself for growth and nourishment and excitement – who wants to read about impatience and boredom? Not me. And I’m the author (leader?), so I get to choose.

Surprises

I really really liked my holodeck this evening. I found it stimulating, warm, inclusive and the topic at hand was very relevant. And if it’s a holographic universe etc etc, . . . then I created this! That’s still a hard one to get my head around. I’m going to stick with it, to get curious about all that I can learn from this evening’s experience as I sense it was important and timely.

Although content is unimportant, I will go there – at least to let you know what lit me up and what still glows in me. I was at the AGM of a great non-governmental organization that . . . aaagh, too much content so here’s the url: www.usc-canada.org
I’ve been involved with USC for about 15 years as a (volunteer) board member and supporter so I expected that the room would hold many friends and acquaintances as well as a few others who would be ‘linked’ to me through our shared interest in USC.

What I found was exactly that, and more. Some of my old friends and USC staff members seemed truly glad to see me again (something that still surprises me); some of the unknowns turned out to be interesting, engaged men and women who held my attention and aroused my curiosity (I don’t usually take to random ‘new’ people quickly). Two women who made presentations about smallholder farming issues in Southeast Asia and Wakefield Quebec focusing on food security and women, were especially riveting. I think it is their strong sense of self-worth and their eagerness to share their experiences and ideas and readiness to expose themselves honestly that excites me. They were engaging and inspiring, even though they were just being the way they are: engaged and inspired; no show, no drama, no nervousness. They let me see them; and I saw strong, wise and vibrant women who are making a difference, who make choices, who are enjoying what they do.
I’m aware that, in a holographic universe, they are reflections of part(s) of me – and I’m thrilled and amazed at the same time because it’s not a reflection of me that I see often or that I would instantly recognise. I’m going to start keeping my eyes open – keep myself open, in fact. I’m grateful to these young women for showing me so much. To think that this was MY holodeck!

I’m also aware that I was ‘different’ tonight: more interested in approaching new people, less protective of myself – as if I emerged from behind my shadow. Outwardly I think I presented myself as usual (quiet, smiling and polite) but inwardly I was definitely more aware, more alive. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of BEING aware and alive tonight – and, tee hee: I hadn’t even planned it! Things evolve as they should, eh?

To think that this was MY holodeck! Can I do this every day? How good do I want it?! Because, after all, it IS my holodeck, isn’t it.

Plunging into my void? or stepping into my mini-void?

I’ve been back from Europe for two weeks now, and feel HERE again at last. I don’t do the transition easily, I’m learning – and especially not when I return with a very swollen, painful left elbow that I hurt when I tripped on the sidewalk in Belgium. Clearly, I’m inviting myself to consider where I’m going, what ground I’m standing on and how safe I am – my elbow is in addition to the swelling and some pain from my foot injury of four months ago which still linger. The timing, locations and nature of my fractures (I had x-rays this week so the doctor can now understand and label it), and the protracted swelling and bruising as well as my resulting limited mobility and flexibility are interesting to ponder; the CODE model certainly has been a useful tool. I have no firm answers and I’m slowly learning to accept that; I rumble and breathe with the wisps of insights I’m gaining as I recover and go forward.
I had a great conversation with Gwen last week, after which my confusion probably increased but so did my determination to ‘stick with the tough questions’ and not let the invitations my body is giving me go unnoticed. What I certainly came away with was a clearer (!?!) awareness that I am creating my world, my own illusion, and many questions that arise about what of my creation is still serving me and which aspects do I want to change. Because I have no idea of what changing what I’ve created i.e. my holodeck might really mean, I peer into a void and it’s pretty daunting (especially for me: I have valued ‘knowing’ and have preferred taking a safe route). What I DO know is that the choice to continue to not explore who I am and to hide and/or silence myself (safe as it WAS) now seems terrible (it’s really not serving me any more, I’m constantly tripping over myself) so the terror of the void becomes a real choice whereas before it was an impossible thought to consider. The void becomes acceptable on good days when I am full of trust in myself, fully aware of mySelf as a force that is guiding me and Not Knowing seems like an opportunity to explore. (I recently had a dream of walking along, it was me as a child, and I was being led by the hand by what was clearly (!?) mySelf; it is a wonderful vision to keep actively in my mind). But there are many days when I get caught up in the boxes and patterns that seem ‘normal’ and when putting one foot in front of the other becomes a mindless, circular path within the known confines of my world, instead of an awake-and-aware path that expands my horizons (albeit in an unknown, a void). And on those days, I sense restlessness, agitation, or lethargy – which I read as warning signals now.
Yesterday, I played with getting more concrete about ‘taking action’ on jumping into a void. A mini-void, maybe, as it seems ‘safe’ in this context (see below). The idea of mini-void makes me giggle at my consistency – my life-long pattern of avoiding risk. Am I now stepping back from taking a really committed transformational plunge , or am I actually plunging and just labeling it in a way so I can stomach the sweeps and lurches?
Certainly I have no idea what entering/plunging into the void will mean for my holodeck, and I also know that it will change lots. At any rate, my cautiously outrageous proposal is giving me a sense of excitement and adventure about next week – and that’s a great start! Because applying for funding and disbursing grant money has been one aspect of my activities (is ‘my activities’ synonymous with ‘my life’? hmmm; I'm observing what I write eh?!) for the last twenty years, it seemed like an appropriate was to frame my declaration to myself – and then allow myself some leeway with the norm. I found myself giggling as I wrote it, and I take that as a message that I might be on to something. New ground, a new footing? Who knows.

PROJECT PROPOSAL:

Title: PERMISSION TO EXPRESS MYSELF

Project Background:
There’s an increasingly strong agitation from within me that hints at a need to say something.
By giving myself full permission to play, to create, to dream and to discover, I will be better able to address my apparent desire to express myself out loud, on paper, and however else seems called for. Until now, I have chosen to postpone or prevent action, but I am aware that my inaction is affecting my health/wellbeing and am now determined to cease creating ‘reasons’ for postponing what I know I want to explore. Until now, I have been fearful of having nothing to say, and/or of not producing ‘work’ that I can stand behind. (This speaks to my fear of meeting my own expectations as well as those of others). And I have considered that spending a lot of time jotting down ‘ideas’ and/or playing with ‘art’ would be a luxury, frivolous, and therefore not on. (This speaks to my need to appear ‘useful’ and ‘contributing’; as well to as my belief that to create a painting, a ‘real’ photograph or to write, one has to be creative, an artist, be artistic etc. etc. And I held the belief that I was none of these.) I now realize how influenced I have been by the opinions of others, and my perceived inadequacies; and that my sense of self was tied to the roles that I’ve taken on and has undermined expressing myself.
There is a feeling of urgency now in my body; I’m hearing a cry from within that tells me I must really focus on exploring and discovering ways to express myself . By mucking about with my camera, my paints, my words and anything else that comes into my awareness, I intend to discover whatever is begging from within me to be expressed, voiced, formed, aired, explored and allow it to expand and develop.

Project Description:
I will allow and encourage myself to play. (‘Play’ will be code for: paint, write, shoot, photoshop, engage with others in meaningful conversations – maybe even cook! and any other ways of expressing something/myself that might evolve as the explorations advance.) I will not create situations for myself that seem ‘more important’ – i.e. reasons that make me think that I can’t allow myself to play. i.e. I will not revert back to the old strategy of ‘dealing with my (perceived) responsibilities and duties’ and thinking that that ok and even correct.
The amount of time I allow myself to play will be left open, and it will be a significant portion of each week. I will not set a timeframe or a daily schedule as I want to stay open to surprises and discoveries about myself, my habits, need to schedules etc. and I give myself permission to change any habits, rules or plans about ‘play time’.

Outcome:
Innumerable photos, paintings and writen pieces. Many fun and stimulating conversations - often with nothing to ‘show’ after but lots to feel and ponder.
Stimulation and challenges, ideas and laughter will nourish me and will be stored in my body. Ultimately, all the feelings I experience within myself as I carry out the project, and the insights I gain about myself and my discoveries and explorations will be the meaningful ‘results’. I will become comfortable giving myself full permission, and ‘creating’ and expressing myself will become extremely playful and more ‘natural’.

At some point, I will choose 10 photos, 10 paintings, 10 written pieces, and 10 surprises (about which I am most curious and eager) that I feel good about and/or that expose ‘stuff’ from inside, and/or are evidence for me that I’m alive and expanding. I don’t know how I’ll ‘package’ them – that’ll be part of the exploration – and I’ll present them to all/any friends who have supported me unconditionally in this project and who are willing to be part of a celebration with me.


Budget:
I give myself full permission to spend money on paint, art materials, paper, frames, and other costs incurred in the process of playing. Because I already have what I need to get started, this question will also be onc of discovery as I go along: how generous can I be with myself? I permit myself to ‘think big’ beyond the current confines of my imagination and not let frugality determine the scope of my play.
Included in the budget is an undetermined amount for a celebration.

Outside Evaluation:
Not appropriate; meaningless.
This project will be amazing because I give myself full permission to make it wonderful and full of wonder, and ‘it will unfold as it should’.

Phase II:
Bigger, even more open-ended.