No answers; new story

I've been following Louise’s blogs this week with even more interest than usual (Is that possible!?) - remembering my week in June, wishing I were in Oceanstone again now AND knowing I'm also glad to be here and just living their “Leadership Redefined” week vicariously. I also feel that 'leadership' is the wrong word; Louise has been ‘battling’ this problem for a long time – surely we can solve this. And 'awakeLivingness' just doesn't have the right ring, does it!

So many of Louise's blog-sentences leapt off my screen at me, as reflections of what I experienced then and of what I've been pondering (again) this week - as if I had been in the program room again. And with that comes the welcome realisation that I AM moving forward and not merely repeating things, albeit confusedly. Most of the time, recently, I can say that I HAVE moved into a/the leadership position. (An aside: what’s missing is any idea of where my leadership might lead. I ‘know’ that this shouldn’t worry me, but it’s a leap as I used to Need To Know and there’s still some of that in my body, for sure.) I am very aware of huge changes in my bva’s and thoughts about me and my place in this world as a piece of the puzzle. And as a result how I move/act has changed which makes me 'look' tough/hard and impatient at times, and just disinterested at other times - because that's what I am! I’m sometimes put off by the tough/hard me; I too had accepted myself as sweet ‘n smiling because I’d successfully hidden my tough (strong? honest?) side from myself). I'm more familiar with the disinterested/impatient me; I’d known full well that there is that side of me, and that I’d tried to hide it from others. And I sense that my husband's not so keen on any of these traits and feels either regretful, left out and/or defensive, so this sentence of Louise’s rings very relevant today even though I’m not sure where it takes me:
"Before we can find its meaningful expression, we must redefine leadership so that we can live it in ways that do not destroy us and the people we love."

I’m noticing that 'standing alone' - a huge factor in what we’re calling reclaimed leadership, is a lot easier. In fact, standing alone has stated to feel 'normal' and especially when I AM on my own. . . it's the connecting to the 'old' others that's more difficult right now. Especially when I don't have much to show others about who I am becoming (except the impatient toughy). It's as if my (new) less judgemental position, the more letting go- inviting - and - allowing - me doesn't register on their screens - they just see old 'smiling, sweet Lucy' still, I guess! I read this last sentence and I realize now it’s up to me to expose ‘new’ me better so that there’s no doubt, no confusion, about what “others’ see. And as OTHERS are my creations, others are reflections of me etc etc. maybe it’s all about ME not clearly seeing (or believing in?) the ME that I’m becoming? Hmmmm.

Back to what I was going to say, before that holographic universe penny dropped: A huge breakthrough last weekend was when I became aware of how much FEAR of others, and fear of life, in fact of myself was COEXISTING with my love of people, of life and yes, even of myself - and how crazy making this cohabitation is; these are irreconcilable room-mates. It hit me that this is one mighty big mama that is not allowing me to really step into full five-star leadership. And in a flash I knew I could/would rewrite THE STORY of those fears i.e. reclaim a life without those androgenous-baby-fears. Turn the page, start a new story . . . and now, since I recovered from the physical stuff that moved in and through my body, it's been a new, great week.
Maybe by breaking my foot in June, and with my fractured elbow last month, I was trying to point out to myself the double/split life I was leading; that the retardant, fearful me and the awake, expanding me - two powerful energies, were pulling me apart, were tripping me up, stopping me in my tracks, holding me back. Certainly, since last weekend, by realizing I can start a new story, I feel whole-er, and less torn in two. And I think my healing bones ache less too.

Those old fears could, I suppose, try to come back to haunt me. I will really try to remember that I’m NOT writing a ghost story this time ‘round.
In this current story so far, I’ve been frequently impatient, openly disinterested, and quick to say no even when yes would have been nicer and easier. And that’s probably why my story WILL evolve into one of creating/recognising opportunities for myself for growth and nourishment and excitement – who wants to read about impatience and boredom? Not me. And I’m the author (leader?), so I get to choose.