New Dance Tune(s)

Are YOU wondering how my self-initiated, giving myself permission to play is going? Well, two weeks later and I’m starting to wonder too.
The ‘facts: I spent one day-and-a-half ‘painting’, and I enjoyed the process a lot. I was focused and calm and ‘into it’; the results are not overwhelming and that’s ok. I look at them and remember the enjoyment I had in creating the colours and shapes. Besides that I have had some spurts of journaling or blogging and I shot a few photos.
The 'concerns': I’ve found numerous reasons to not play, or to half-play and I’m wondering what’s up. For instance I’ve just come back from a 3-hour photography course – interesting, fun, and certainly a form of procrastination if ‘results’ are part of this. And/but if growing and learning are part of playing, then of course, this falls within the project’s guidelines so I can pat myself on the back. Is that the point? And anyway, then what?

Lots of questions buzz within me. Do I feel guilty? What’s playing anyway? Did I give myself permission to do what I want to do, to do it consciously, or was ‘the project’ to actually sit down and paint/write/shoot photos? Is it that I have nothing to show for my two weeks of allowed-to-play-to-my-heart’s-content that is in my awareness (worries me is too strong a term) or is it that it didn’t feel like work? or what? And what good would it do if I could answer all of these? None.
I basically KNOW that I should just let go of all these perceived dilemmas, and that ALL of this mind-teasing, question posing game is another form of hiding, avoiding exploring deeper within myself; it’s a form of teasing myself. I’m only thinking about living when I do this.
Am I really into self-torture and slow, slow incremental change? Why did I create this little project BOX for myself? To give myself something to squeeze myself into (again!)? Even tho I purposely left most issues open-ended, the fact that I drew up 'a project' in the first place means I've set a framework for me to stay within. Is that useful? NO. Possibly it felt safe. And that's not useful in the long run either. I've done safe. But I seem to still search for it, when/if I'm not awake. Safe lures me back into my coma. Or maybe it's my coma that draws me back to searching for safe. Yet I know that safe isn't safe for me; I've had it with safe - intellectually at least; maybe my body is still growing into this awareness?

At times in the last two weeks, I did give myself full permission to let my body lead me . . . with the result that last weekend I dissolved into movements and waves. And other days I was anally organizational (sorting my winter clothes; buying a practical container for my paints and brushes so that setting up to paint is much easier now). All useful, but I was putting off actually ‘playing’ fully, creatively, whole-heartedly. And then there’s the day or two where I saw friends over coffee, or time spent pondering on the phone. Was I mindfully living and letting energy flow, or were these 'wasting time' or old habituated actions (safe ones) that I reverted back into because I’m scared of focusing myself to actually attempt to create something that’s meaningful to me, of stepping into the void?
Or are these also forms of explorations and growth, of inviting whispers from my silent places to gain their voice, and of 'letting things unfold' without a plan-of-action to refer to? And am I just falling back into my well-honed talent of beating up on myself, making things more complicated than they need be – in fact: tripping over myself?
And I think I know that THIS answer is a big yes!

And as it happens, the theme of be gentle, ease up, have some compassion with myself! has come up so often in various ways this week it’s now almost a throbbing in my head. When it first came to my awareness I dissolved into tears and movement, there was such a strong resonance. Now, it feel more like a helpful reminder, a welcome nudge – albeit a strong one. And it’s got some rhythm.
Anita’s blog today mentions it in terms of The Overachiever. Her blog reminds me that a healthy dose of humour would be helpful too – in fact, I realize, there’s lots of resonance here for me - and not just for the ‘achievement’ issue! I’ll let lighten up! throb alongside the ease up! message this coming week . . . the tune will be quite catchy and - if I let it, it'll stick with me and set a lighter tone for ME 'n MySelf to dance to - all signals bopping brightly.