There’s a nice ring to it: I fell into a mouse hole. Surely it’s the beginning of a good story; and I have no idea about how it will go on from there. And that’s probably my point. Who knows why I just ‘bought myself’ at least two days of serious down-time? And where they will take me? Day one ended with an appropriately beautiful sunset over the hills on the far side of the lake. Our cottage sits on the opposite hill so we get wonderful sunsets, especially in June when the greenery is lush and the shadows are soft.
I’m here for some quiet quality time and to prepare for Summer ‘07 when there’ll be four small turbulent but wonderful grandchildren under this roof. And last evening I changed my ‘plan’ for My Days dramatically by misstepping. Which shows me again that I cannot know what’s ahead, and it’s certainly another invitation to let go and surrender into . . . into whatever. And I’m accepting my mouse-hole shenanigans as that, and enjoying the surprise and ‘not knowing’. I’m somewhat amazed that I’m not furious with myself for being so stupid and careless; and that all the tasks I had set for myself are not worrying me – I trust that they’ll get done eventually, or not.
Minutes before This Event, I’d been very aware of my inner self; I was very conscious of a wonderful feeling of completeness, strength, and joy. In fact, I’d just felt a huge release of tension in my shoulders that I’d welcomed as a letting go of fears – at least that’s what it had felt like. It seemed as if I was launching a huge balloon of blocked energy into the universe for recycling. So, very relaxed and ‘light’ inside, I’d stepped off the porch in order to stroll around the house before going to bed for a good read. But I never got that far.
My parents and caregivers were excellent at warnings: watch out or you’ll hurt yourself, watch where you go etc. It follows that safety from their disapproval, and my own carefulness regarding physical safety, have been important factors in my decisions of how to move through my life. And look at this! I’ve just done the forbidden, and I’m fine. Well, my foot hurts a lot, the swelling is impressive and the inconvenience of being here alone and hobbling painstakingly to and fro – mostly to the fridge to replenish the ice-packs, would seem like most people’s idea of ‘not fine’. It’s mine too, certainly, at one level. But I’ve everything I need here for a few more days, and what’s so bad about NOT being able to walk or drive? I’m aware today that this pain hurts, but that it’s not worse than hurt and that this kind of hurt/pain is not deserving of the fear and behavioural manipulations that I have been awarding it. (Granted if I’d broken my neck as I tumbled, I’d be singing a different song – or none.)
Taking my run-in with the mouse hole as a metaphor for many other perceived ‘dangers’ that I’ve taken pains to avoid or evade in the past, it’s seems like another way of telling myself that lots of the rules, barriers and fears that I have been living with aren’t necessarily valid for me any more. Did I have to sprain my right foot to illustrate this in bold bright colours for me? I guess so. Why did I tumble immediately after feeling the huge release of tension in my back? I don’t’ know, and there are no coincidences . . .
And what else will there for me to learn about myself during my days of ‘recovery’? I’m sure there’ll be lots and I intend to stay open and awake to what’s happening.
Can I ‘move on’ and learn and grow without inviting pain next time? Isn’t there a less dramatic way to gain ‘insights’?
If not, or not now, I’m aware that I welcome the fact that I’m obviously creating something, and it feels like living.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Poppety Pop Pop
My husband, Stefan, is in Russia for two weeks. The lines for our phone calls are so unclear, and the opportunities to call are infrequent that we get to say and comment on the essential stuff and then, by default, there’s space and time afterwards to reflect. In yesterday’s call Stefan was describing the people he spent the day with, and their enthusiastic welcome for him, and his attraction to them, their discussions and who he becomes when he’s there. And then he mentioned where he would spend today, and with whom – other good, warm, kind and appreciative friends. He stated that he’d have to ‘change coats’ as the second group is so different from the first (in profession, income, interests, humour, capacity for alcohol – to list a few). My first thought was Yes, that’s how we move through our life that’s filled with a multiplicity of ‘types’, groups, demands and stages or scenes – we ‘change coats’ to fit in with what the others are ‘wearing’. It works, I’ve done it, I do it well, too. And then, this morning, this penny dropped:
If we’re all interconnected, and if the ‘others’ are my creation and are reflections of me, or parts of me, on my holodeck, I don’t have to change coats and adapt to them. I can just open up and welcome them as different parts of me that I’ve chosen to ‘activate’ and work or play with. “Others” aren’t outside of me, they are in me; we are all of the same fabric. And my coat is more similar to their coat than I’d realized or admitted. So my way of moving through the world which has consisted of me AND them (best scenario), and me against them or them against me (in varying degrees of competition, opposition, resistance, proving myself, trying to stand tall and steady etc.) was Quite Unnecessary! I can perceive them as IN me, as aspects of me, and work/play with them as one team, not as opponents. I’ve spent a lot of time comparing and contrasting myself to others – never realizing that in fact, I was noticing aspects of myself and denying myself the chance to embrace some quality or behaviour, or learn from (in a constructive, not merely judgemental way), to abandon or disassociate myself from what/who seemed to be going in the wrong direction for me (given my BVAs and intention). And for those I wanted to be with, spend time with, attract into my circle, I would change my coat, thinking . . . what? that I’d be different if I didn’t, that I’d stand our and be rejected or ignored? that it’s what’s required by their rules in their world? that I’ll actually BE more like them if I look/act like them? And all the while, ‘they’ are me and I am ‘them’! Wow. I know I ‘learned’ this at ITS; but until today, the hugeness and magnificence and IMPORTANCE for me hadn’t sunk in, inside and throughout me.
Wonderment, again!
LOTS to ponder, and given this new Pop, lots that seems to be shifting radically inside, opening up space for me to be me, coat-free as it were, and just revel in all my colours and styles and lengths and textures that I can expose at will, and where I can see myself more clearly through, and with, ‘others’. (Note to self: coat is a modern cloak, and all I’m saying is DEcloak, Lucy! But this time I see it in a new light. I’m not decloaking in front of others, to be seen or judged (for better for worse etc.). I’m decloaking as coats aren’t necessary in this new world, in my new reality. I’m not going to change ‘em to fit in, I’m going to discard them, for greater transparency. My coats are getting in the way of learning and seeing and being.)
My earlier blog about camouflage and dazzle comes back into my mind. I’m going in circles, I guess, but it feels like I’m getting into richer, denser zones, and I’m really enjoying the ride – wherever it’s heading. I think the pace is quickening, and I’m very ok with NOT putting on the brakes. Untypical for me, if I think back. But why would I? I’m not there, I’m here.
If we’re all interconnected, and if the ‘others’ are my creation and are reflections of me, or parts of me, on my holodeck, I don’t have to change coats and adapt to them. I can just open up and welcome them as different parts of me that I’ve chosen to ‘activate’ and work or play with. “Others” aren’t outside of me, they are in me; we are all of the same fabric. And my coat is more similar to their coat than I’d realized or admitted. So my way of moving through the world which has consisted of me AND them (best scenario), and me against them or them against me (in varying degrees of competition, opposition, resistance, proving myself, trying to stand tall and steady etc.) was Quite Unnecessary! I can perceive them as IN me, as aspects of me, and work/play with them as one team, not as opponents. I’ve spent a lot of time comparing and contrasting myself to others – never realizing that in fact, I was noticing aspects of myself and denying myself the chance to embrace some quality or behaviour, or learn from (in a constructive, not merely judgemental way), to abandon or disassociate myself from what/who seemed to be going in the wrong direction for me (given my BVAs and intention). And for those I wanted to be with, spend time with, attract into my circle, I would change my coat, thinking . . . what? that I’d be different if I didn’t, that I’d stand our and be rejected or ignored? that it’s what’s required by their rules in their world? that I’ll actually BE more like them if I look/act like them? And all the while, ‘they’ are me and I am ‘them’! Wow. I know I ‘learned’ this at ITS; but until today, the hugeness and magnificence and IMPORTANCE for me hadn’t sunk in, inside and throughout me.
Wonderment, again!
LOTS to ponder, and given this new Pop, lots that seems to be shifting radically inside, opening up space for me to be me, coat-free as it were, and just revel in all my colours and styles and lengths and textures that I can expose at will, and where I can see myself more clearly through, and with, ‘others’. (Note to self: coat is a modern cloak, and all I’m saying is DEcloak, Lucy! But this time I see it in a new light. I’m not decloaking in front of others, to be seen or judged (for better for worse etc.). I’m decloaking as coats aren’t necessary in this new world, in my new reality. I’m not going to change ‘em to fit in, I’m going to discard them, for greater transparency. My coats are getting in the way of learning and seeing and being.)
My earlier blog about camouflage and dazzle comes back into my mind. I’m going in circles, I guess, but it feels like I’m getting into richer, denser zones, and I’m really enjoying the ride – wherever it’s heading. I think the pace is quickening, and I’m very ok with NOT putting on the brakes. Untypical for me, if I think back. But why would I? I’m not there, I’m here.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Exuberance is abundant
I think MJ and I are the only two people around here who’re NOT watching the Sens game and cheering like the bejeesus because they’ve scored. The Market is one hub of the celebrations, and it’s a hive of activity. Folks are swarming around . . . just wait ‘til the game’s over! It’ll get outta control below my window! I like being on the edge of the party in this case . . . I never liked the feeling of being a wall-flower as a teen, but I am very ok with not being part of a hockey crowd tonight and merely getting the sounds, and being fully aware of an amazing amount of energy exploding through this overflowing neighbourhood.
I’ve just returned from the Vietnamese Palace with MJ. It was a pleasant evening, relaxed and companionable vibes. Our conversation ranged through all the levels, and from the personal to the general, and it felt good, open, honest, with enough time for both of us, with pauses and distractions and giggles. No real problems to discuss, just updates and insights and questions about invitations and things to get curious about. It felt like a part of an ongoing conversation that will continue and evolve. And there’s no goal, no result, no finite game aspect.
Unlike what’s going on outside . . . judging by the loud eruptions, the Sens must be doing well and the game must be nearing the end as the nervousness and excitement level are mounting; there’s urgency in the air.
MJ and I had none of that - and the openendedness and the lack of hype and time-running-out anguish were very welcome.
So we’re all interconnected, and yet I feel quite separate from the fans – except for the acoustics of course. And how many other close ‘neighbours’ do I have – near and far . . . where there’s a connection that I am totally unaware of even though we’re all part of the same field? Is this part of the ‘thought’ I shared with MJ tonight? Namely, that I’m very aware that in the last month I have met innumerable ‘new’ people who are doing amazing things with and for other people, filled with passion and commitment, who are alive and buzzing and their inner movement /flow is apparent in their body language and their eyes, and evident in the paths they are taking or clearing or forging,
It’s interesting to wonder what the message for me is . . . why have I created the opportunity for these many encounters right now, this month, and what is different from other times when I have had similar encounters with other amazing people. The huge difference is ME. I am aware that these are invitations, big ones for me, to open my eyes and ears to what I wasn’t seeing or hearing before – both around me and more importantly (or empoweringly!) WITHIN me. I realize that each of these ‘models’ has given themselves full permission to dare, to leap, to create; and each is living an adventure he/she has chosen, with all the ups and downs and arounds that are part of such undertakings.
In the past, I felt really excited and impressed but puny and small around these ‘role models’, these amazing people. This time ‘round, I sense that I am waking up to the realization that I also have something to bring to the table (and that I already have a chair there, I’ve just never sat in it) . . . I don’t know where this is going, precisely, but there’s something growing in my inner garden; I’ll just keep watering and clearing out the weeds so that the flowers and veggies have a chance to grow strong and bloom/ripen. Obviously I have told myself for years that I don’t have this capacity – and I don’t have to know why. What is important to me now, tonight as I write, is to keep on putting on foot in front of the other, as Louise is wont to say, and to allow my fertile ground to do it’s stuff – patiently but actively, without fear, nourishing with gentleness and curiosity.
In the meantime, the urgency and drama unfolding on the street and all around the ‘hood tonight are reaching fever pitch. THEY have no fear of things getting ‘out of control’, those hockey fans; they’re inviting it. The police are amassing, ready for mischief, prepared to prevent ‘things going too far’. If I were to pick a character in this play for me to be, to act, who’d I be? – the ‘under-control’ detached observer on the sidelines? the wanna be exuberant following the others not knowing how to scream? the true, loyal supporter, elated with the outcome and going wild? the uniformed and bulletproofed protector and preventer? I guess I’d choose to be the genuine jump up and downer, the cheering whistler . . . and/but it certainly would be a first for me!
What’s wrong with this little mid-game is that the play I’ve chosen to act in isn’t resonating . . . The hockey game, even if it’s the Stanley Cup, just doesn’t do it for me.
But I’ve made my point to myself with the metaphor: in the Theatre of My Choice I’m going to be out there for all to see and hear; and you’re all invited to perform in it with me; I’ll need you, and it’ll be wonderful.
I talk as if this is something still to happen, don’t I? And I realize this is dumb – it IS happening, it just doesn’t look like a recognizable piece of art; yet it’s a creation (albeit still under wraps a lot of the time) . . . and it’s growing daily. And you ARE already performing with me – and I’m really glad of that. The process is exciting, isn’t it?!
The Sens have won tonight, I’m sure of that. The honking of car horns outside is deafening, but absolutely appropriate for the excitement I feel inside, about MY own game. Exuberance is abundant. And there are no coincidences!
I’ve just returned from the Vietnamese Palace with MJ. It was a pleasant evening, relaxed and companionable vibes. Our conversation ranged through all the levels, and from the personal to the general, and it felt good, open, honest, with enough time for both of us, with pauses and distractions and giggles. No real problems to discuss, just updates and insights and questions about invitations and things to get curious about. It felt like a part of an ongoing conversation that will continue and evolve. And there’s no goal, no result, no finite game aspect.
Unlike what’s going on outside . . . judging by the loud eruptions, the Sens must be doing well and the game must be nearing the end as the nervousness and excitement level are mounting; there’s urgency in the air.
MJ and I had none of that - and the openendedness and the lack of hype and time-running-out anguish were very welcome.
So we’re all interconnected, and yet I feel quite separate from the fans – except for the acoustics of course. And how many other close ‘neighbours’ do I have – near and far . . . where there’s a connection that I am totally unaware of even though we’re all part of the same field? Is this part of the ‘thought’ I shared with MJ tonight? Namely, that I’m very aware that in the last month I have met innumerable ‘new’ people who are doing amazing things with and for other people, filled with passion and commitment, who are alive and buzzing and their inner movement /flow is apparent in their body language and their eyes, and evident in the paths they are taking or clearing or forging,
It’s interesting to wonder what the message for me is . . . why have I created the opportunity for these many encounters right now, this month, and what is different from other times when I have had similar encounters with other amazing people. The huge difference is ME. I am aware that these are invitations, big ones for me, to open my eyes and ears to what I wasn’t seeing or hearing before – both around me and more importantly (or empoweringly!) WITHIN me. I realize that each of these ‘models’ has given themselves full permission to dare, to leap, to create; and each is living an adventure he/she has chosen, with all the ups and downs and arounds that are part of such undertakings.
In the past, I felt really excited and impressed but puny and small around these ‘role models’, these amazing people. This time ‘round, I sense that I am waking up to the realization that I also have something to bring to the table (and that I already have a chair there, I’ve just never sat in it) . . . I don’t know where this is going, precisely, but there’s something growing in my inner garden; I’ll just keep watering and clearing out the weeds so that the flowers and veggies have a chance to grow strong and bloom/ripen. Obviously I have told myself for years that I don’t have this capacity – and I don’t have to know why. What is important to me now, tonight as I write, is to keep on putting on foot in front of the other, as Louise is wont to say, and to allow my fertile ground to do it’s stuff – patiently but actively, without fear, nourishing with gentleness and curiosity.
In the meantime, the urgency and drama unfolding on the street and all around the ‘hood tonight are reaching fever pitch. THEY have no fear of things getting ‘out of control’, those hockey fans; they’re inviting it. The police are amassing, ready for mischief, prepared to prevent ‘things going too far’. If I were to pick a character in this play for me to be, to act, who’d I be? – the ‘under-control’ detached observer on the sidelines? the wanna be exuberant following the others not knowing how to scream? the true, loyal supporter, elated with the outcome and going wild? the uniformed and bulletproofed protector and preventer? I guess I’d choose to be the genuine jump up and downer, the cheering whistler . . . and/but it certainly would be a first for me!
What’s wrong with this little mid-game is that the play I’ve chosen to act in isn’t resonating . . . The hockey game, even if it’s the Stanley Cup, just doesn’t do it for me.
But I’ve made my point to myself with the metaphor: in the Theatre of My Choice I’m going to be out there for all to see and hear; and you’re all invited to perform in it with me; I’ll need you, and it’ll be wonderful.
I talk as if this is something still to happen, don’t I? And I realize this is dumb – it IS happening, it just doesn’t look like a recognizable piece of art; yet it’s a creation (albeit still under wraps a lot of the time) . . . and it’s growing daily. And you ARE already performing with me – and I’m really glad of that. The process is exciting, isn’t it?!
The Sens have won tonight, I’m sure of that. The honking of car horns outside is deafening, but absolutely appropriate for the excitement I feel inside, about MY own game. Exuberance is abundant. And there are no coincidences!
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Moving ON
Earlier today, I wrote this piece (below) in Word, and tried to post it on my blog (my ex-blog now: http://frominside.wordpress.com) . . . which refused to let me post anything new. Having fully recovered from the shock and awe of rejection, I've opened this new site, on Blogger - with hopes that there will be no blips.
Opening the new site was, in fact, easy - although at registration, all the names I dreamt up for myself have already been taken . . . which shows the predictability of blog names, maybe - and how my own uniqueness (!) is all relative: I tried "words and thoughts'; "in this moment"; "new leaves"; even 'Steppping Stones' wasn't available. And so it's Yippee for me, for the next while. And it seems appropriate for the phase I'm in and that's good too!
Since writing "Choices" this morning, I have found Anita's HUGE post, and love the paradox conversationwhich has rumbled inside me, colourfully - it's making my day much more interesting:
"Paradox, for me, exists as an infinite range of colour and shades. Different hues and intensities are all part of the range that exists within paradox. . . .
My comfort with paradox is not because I'm unwilling to take a stand or that I'm afraid of making a choice - although there have been many times when I questioned whether this was indeed a factor. No, I believe my comfort with paradox is that fact that I have become quite comfortable with the range of shades in between. It seems to be this space that holds exponential potential if I am willing to wander there. What emerges is often surprising and delightful and larger than the paradoxical situation itself."
I'll close on that resonating stuff (thanks Anita!), and I'll let this morning's piece 'stand on it's own'; some of you have already recieved it by email - when I just couldn't give up! Although it feels like a long time ago that I wrote 'Choices', I still recognise ME in it - and I'm glad! I'm still happy, and it's leaking out in fun, and surprising ways.
Choices - on a Saturday Morning
So if I can’t even make a decision about what I want to do today – how will I ever . . .
And then – why choose, just see what happens, especially since all my options are really pleasant and could be wonderful. With the result that I’m here in front of my screen; none of the other options seem as magnetic in this instant.
Minutes ago, I had just tried to stall’ any decision-making by checking in on the Wel-Sys-blogs, only to find stuff I’d already seen, which made me feel lonely – as if no one was talking to me, and then wonder what EVERYONE else is doing that keeps them away from writing, and then wondering why I feel I ‘need’ new pieces from y’all when what’s posted is so great and certainly worth re-reading (knowing I’m a different person today so would read them ‘like new’ . . . and. . .
And here I am, not having re-read anything, just seeing what unfolds with my morning.
Recently, the weeks have flown past, and it’s been All Good, even the rockier sections. I’ve set myself up for some surprises and relished them as Signs Of Life. I’ve popped with insights, and wished I could tell the world because they were such revelations for me. And I’ve just sat and breathed for long spaces of time (wondering What’s UP? Is this OK? etc. if I just sit and be. And it was ok, in fact very very ok. And that was a surprise too.
I don’t usually say this out loud but here goes: I’m happy inside. Restless and unfocussed but certainly alive, and it feels good. (Maybe that’s why I just wrote that I’m happy. Maybe it’s that I feel good, and equate that with h’ness.) And as well, so often I’m impatient or intolerant of what’s going on around me as it’s not in synch with what’s important to me – ‘life’s too short’ etc. EVEN THOUGH I know that time is abundant and there’s an intelligence to being in spaces that don’t feel in synch . . . and I can’t be specific about ‘what’s important to me’ . . . and there are choices I can make . . .
One of the popping themes/insights this week has been a combo along the line of ‘taking a stand’, resisting as a way I move through the world (even if ‘my position’ is only whispered inside of me and not overt, spoken, acted on) and the possibility that I could move myself (reposition myself) along the continuum and just allow and stand in a more gentle, receptive place. Obviously this isn’t rocket science, but it was a huge pop for me – and it hit while I was on the massage table receiving an extremely ‘soft’ treatment. Formerly, I would have begged the therapist to push harder, and she would have; this time I just went wow, there’s stuff for me to feel here, be aware of, that I’ve never felt/discovered in myself before. And this has been sitting with me for days, as numerous similar invitations, topics, images and references keep hitting me between the eyes. Gentleness isn’t weakness, nor is a show of strength or resistance always useful! Was I taking a stand in order to prove to myself that I’m here? That I’m not stupid and irrelevant and worse? Sort of like making lists and ticking off completed tasks; or anything that’s results oriented, for the sake of showing an outcome? Seems limiting, certainly. Seems, as I write, like a finite game - that I’m waking up to!
I’ll be gentle with myself now, and not berate ol’ me for not having popped/woken up/allowed/received years ago, wasted so many opportunities etc. etc. etc. And move into a wonderful, sunny Saturday not knowing AT ALL how it will unfold after I push the ‘publish’ button now. I’ll let my happiness that’s inside leak out, and see what that looks when it’s exposed to the air. And see how it’ll float, and where it’ll take me.
Opening the new site was, in fact, easy - although at registration, all the names I dreamt up for myself have already been taken . . . which shows the predictability of blog names, maybe - and how my own uniqueness (!) is all relative: I tried "words and thoughts'; "in this moment"; "new leaves"; even 'Steppping Stones' wasn't available. And so it's Yippee for me, for the next while. And it seems appropriate for the phase I'm in and that's good too!
Since writing "Choices" this morning, I have found Anita's HUGE post, and love the paradox conversationwhich has rumbled inside me, colourfully - it's making my day much more interesting:
"Paradox, for me, exists as an infinite range of colour and shades. Different hues and intensities are all part of the range that exists within paradox. . . .
My comfort with paradox is not because I'm unwilling to take a stand or that I'm afraid of making a choice - although there have been many times when I questioned whether this was indeed a factor. No, I believe my comfort with paradox is that fact that I have become quite comfortable with the range of shades in between. It seems to be this space that holds exponential potential if I am willing to wander there. What emerges is often surprising and delightful and larger than the paradoxical situation itself."
I'll close on that resonating stuff (thanks Anita!), and I'll let this morning's piece 'stand on it's own'; some of you have already recieved it by email - when I just couldn't give up! Although it feels like a long time ago that I wrote 'Choices', I still recognise ME in it - and I'm glad! I'm still happy, and it's leaking out in fun, and surprising ways.
Choices - on a Saturday Morning
So if I can’t even make a decision about what I want to do today – how will I ever . . .
And then – why choose, just see what happens, especially since all my options are really pleasant and could be wonderful. With the result that I’m here in front of my screen; none of the other options seem as magnetic in this instant.
Minutes ago, I had just tried to stall’ any decision-making by checking in on the Wel-Sys-blogs, only to find stuff I’d already seen, which made me feel lonely – as if no one was talking to me, and then wonder what EVERYONE else is doing that keeps them away from writing, and then wondering why I feel I ‘need’ new pieces from y’all when what’s posted is so great and certainly worth re-reading (knowing I’m a different person today so would read them ‘like new’ . . . and. . .
And here I am, not having re-read anything, just seeing what unfolds with my morning.
Recently, the weeks have flown past, and it’s been All Good, even the rockier sections. I’ve set myself up for some surprises and relished them as Signs Of Life. I’ve popped with insights, and wished I could tell the world because they were such revelations for me. And I’ve just sat and breathed for long spaces of time (wondering What’s UP? Is this OK? etc. if I just sit and be. And it was ok, in fact very very ok. And that was a surprise too.
I don’t usually say this out loud but here goes: I’m happy inside. Restless and unfocussed but certainly alive, and it feels good. (Maybe that’s why I just wrote that I’m happy. Maybe it’s that I feel good, and equate that with h’ness.) And as well, so often I’m impatient or intolerant of what’s going on around me as it’s not in synch with what’s important to me – ‘life’s too short’ etc. EVEN THOUGH I know that time is abundant and there’s an intelligence to being in spaces that don’t feel in synch . . . and I can’t be specific about ‘what’s important to me’ . . . and there are choices I can make . . .
One of the popping themes/insights this week has been a combo along the line of ‘taking a stand’, resisting as a way I move through the world (even if ‘my position’ is only whispered inside of me and not overt, spoken, acted on) and the possibility that I could move myself (reposition myself) along the continuum and just allow and stand in a more gentle, receptive place. Obviously this isn’t rocket science, but it was a huge pop for me – and it hit while I was on the massage table receiving an extremely ‘soft’ treatment. Formerly, I would have begged the therapist to push harder, and she would have; this time I just went wow, there’s stuff for me to feel here, be aware of, that I’ve never felt/discovered in myself before. And this has been sitting with me for days, as numerous similar invitations, topics, images and references keep hitting me between the eyes. Gentleness isn’t weakness, nor is a show of strength or resistance always useful! Was I taking a stand in order to prove to myself that I’m here? That I’m not stupid and irrelevant and worse? Sort of like making lists and ticking off completed tasks; or anything that’s results oriented, for the sake of showing an outcome? Seems limiting, certainly. Seems, as I write, like a finite game - that I’m waking up to!
I’ll be gentle with myself now, and not berate ol’ me for not having popped/woken up/allowed/received years ago, wasted so many opportunities etc. etc. etc. And move into a wonderful, sunny Saturday not knowing AT ALL how it will unfold after I push the ‘publish’ button now. I’ll let my happiness that’s inside leak out, and see what that looks when it’s exposed to the air. And see how it’ll float, and where it’ll take me.
Just Starting Again
And why not? If my old site won't let me write a new post, I can deal. Right?
So here's the first entry on this new blog site, and we'll see how this flies, or if my computer hiccups again.
A bientot, assuming this site is a GO!
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