Urgency and restlessness, and/yet knowing I’m in the right spot and I can trust myself here – it’s MY LIFE right now, these days. Part of me is comfortable with this, or at least with the not knowing side of the urgency and restlessness; yet part of me thinks back fondly of a mellow, a thinking-I-knew and a not-restless state, because it was easy. But I’m fully aware that it was also boring and that I don’t want to go back there. So I’ll stick with the agitation, and continue to breathe often and deeply, and welcome the tears, and just see what evolves from within me. I’m watching out for evasive distractions which don’t serve me that I am all to good at creating for myself, and I’m listening to the impulses that draw me towards something. I know/trust that something(s) ‘more’ will emerge from this, and I’ll take it from there. Stay awake! and choose mindfully! are actively in my awareness right now; it’s not been my habitual mode of engaging, and I’m finding it interesting, sometimes - no, often challenging. Let go! Is also something I remind myself each day; I often find myself hanging on, even though I don’t want to. I’ve been saying this for a while now, yet it thrills me each time I repeat it: It’s MY Life, and I’m not going to ignore or forget that any more.
Hence the urgency and restlessness, I guess!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Friendship ‘n Facebook
It seems yesterday’s blog was a good beginning of my exploration of what Friendship means for me. I woke up with ‘information’ rumbling in my 2nd and 3rd chakra and I’m pretty sure it was a result of my pondering last evening. And it continues.
Today I realize I’m really annoyed by Facebook – asking other people to be friends, asking my permission to be included in someone else’s site, feeling wimpy when I don’t fill in all the areas where the site-designers would love me to provide information. I’m not sure what the issue is for ME but it’s more than just not being with it, or feeling too introverted for Facebook’s kind of fun and not really being excited by it’s info-sharing and friend-sharing opportunities. There’s something about the exposure, the structure, the in-my-faceness of it and the connection to my perception of My Friends that’s not mixing well for me.
I joined because I wanted to be able to access Louise’s Facebook sites, and it’s only now that I realize there’s information brewing out of that registration and creation of my account with Fbk and posting my photo etc etc. concoction that I’m getting curious about. I know I can just pull out, I can hide my face so to speak, but I’d rather see where unsettled feeling is leading me. Does my agitation have to do with Facebook at all? Am I still rumbling with the friendship question? Others as reflections of me and trusting myself, and others? Sharing, intimacy? Right now, I’m guessing I won’t write about any insights I gain on Facebook, but who knows.
Today I realize I’m really annoyed by Facebook – asking other people to be friends, asking my permission to be included in someone else’s site, feeling wimpy when I don’t fill in all the areas where the site-designers would love me to provide information. I’m not sure what the issue is for ME but it’s more than just not being with it, or feeling too introverted for Facebook’s kind of fun and not really being excited by it’s info-sharing and friend-sharing opportunities. There’s something about the exposure, the structure, the in-my-faceness of it and the connection to my perception of My Friends that’s not mixing well for me.
I joined because I wanted to be able to access Louise’s Facebook sites, and it’s only now that I realize there’s information brewing out of that registration and creation of my account with Fbk and posting my photo etc etc. concoction that I’m getting curious about. I know I can just pull out, I can hide my face so to speak, but I’d rather see where unsettled feeling is leading me. Does my agitation have to do with Facebook at all? Am I still rumbling with the friendship question? Others as reflections of me and trusting myself, and others? Sharing, intimacy? Right now, I’m guessing I won’t write about any insights I gain on Facebook, but who knows.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Rumbling and tumbling with Friendship
A friend suggested I go inside myself and expore what friendship means for me. These are my scratchings, syntax-free and absolutely as they came off my fingertips. If I were to consider/judge what I've written and edit, try to make it more readable, less confusing, I'd probably chuck the whole thing - and stay silent. It’s been an interesting evening for me. I feel way better now as I push the ‘publish’ button than I did when I started this – it’s been ‘useful’ to recognise my OLD beliefs, values and attitudes (bva’s) that still drive my bus far too often/much. See them pop out on the page. Old fears. Old habits. Even though I KNOW it's a quantum/holographic universe, I still fall into old well-worn pattern(s) of thought; hopefully not for much longer. They're getting in my way.
What’s friendship for ME?
A nominalization: for the energy flowing between two people which connects them with a warm, trusting, accepting, stimulating and supporting bond. No room for power or force, no victim/victor; it’s voluntary, and mutual; it’s open-ended. In friendship, there is possibility for any/every emotion to surface. Friendships can last a lifetime, or be of whatever length of time that the energy is maintained. Friendships can ebb and flow. Friendships can change in intensity.
It’s a continuum with acquaintance/casual friend at one end and really good, close friend at the other. The difference? Degrees of acceptance and intimacy. Areas of mutual interest and similar outlook and perceptions of the world are often present, more so with ‘good friends’; friendship between me and people with quite different bva’s and ways of living? – not so deep/close, but there is still a bond/attraction/energetic connection.
Love? Exists towards the ‘good friend’ end of the continuum, before that there is merely interest and curiosity and resonance, and increasingly along the continuum: affection and a sense of closeness, stronger energetic ‘sparks’.
Requirements: respect, acceptance, openness, truthfulness, trust.
Am I my own friend?
Starting again. Where am I, inside, on this – all those lines/thoughts seem too ‘from my head’. Go inside! It's a feeling in my 4th. Not a good feeling there, norin my 2nd. So what are my bva’s re friendships right now? – true, meaningful friendships are fragile, not to be taken for granted, can ‘be misused’ if I impose demands - or vice versa; can ‘die’ if either partner in the f’ship breaks trust, betrays, is untruthful.
I feel friendships are precious goods, not to be squandered or harmed. Why? Without them my life would lose much of it’s shine. Is this true? am I just saying this? Why are friendships valuable? Compared to lots of people, I have few real friends, I can count them on my fingers (and toes, maybe) - but boy, do I ever value those friends. I LIKE/LOVE them. Do I NEED them?
Friends are reflections of some part of myself – I need them to see/hear/sense myself. Is that it?
On my own, I’m scared of – what? Not being able to ‘find’ myself, my edges, my depth? Not being able to keep myself interested – in my life?
If I had no friends . . . I’d find friends. Is this true? or would I go into a deep mode of feeling sorry for myself etc. and self-loathing etc. Why do my friends like me? stay 'with' me? what'd it be like without them? Certainly there's a part of me that fears losing them.
Standing alone – yes, I do, I can. So where do friends come into it? To play with, to reflect off of, to exchange with, to give and take with, to laugh and cry with. Even while I stand alone, and he/she stands alone. And yet we can be together too. Hmmmm.
Luxuriating in a friendship, trusting it; a possibility for me? Or am I always worrying that it’s fragile and a scarce commodity. Is it the friendship that’s vulnerable, or me and my sense of self-worth that's vulnerable? NO wonder I am fearful, can't let down my guard. Don't relax and fully enjoy.
To love someone else I have to love myself. To be a friend with someone, I have to be able to be my own friend. I know this; heard it often enough.
In a Quantum Universe, it’s not so complicated, not so scary.
He/she is a part of me, it's a holograph, I am him/her. So when my friends are me – how come I consider friendship to be such a fragile thing . . . ? something to guard and protect?
It’s because I’m ‘forgetting that it’s a quantum/holographic universe; I’m standing in a scarcity/danger position. I’m not trusting myself, and I’m underestimating the other’s ability to be ok, set their boundaries, fend for themselves – cuz they’re me and I underestimate myself. I'm fearful of imposing, of abusing the gift of friendship. Ultimately, I'm not sure I deserve it. I'm keeping myself small by keeping myself victim to these fears.
If/when I remember what I am and I stand in my own power, then my friends stand in theirs, and everything about Friendship changes for me. And the friendship can just be what it is, I don't have to guard, protect (control?!) or be fearful of it; it will develop and deepen, or not . . . not dangerously, just however it does. There is abundance in this world and a friendship is a safe ‘place’ – until it isn’t a friendship any more because for some reason the connection breaks/fizzles/disappears. The friendship/relationship ends; and I DON"T.
What’s friendship for ME?
A nominalization: for the energy flowing between two people which connects them with a warm, trusting, accepting, stimulating and supporting bond. No room for power or force, no victim/victor; it’s voluntary, and mutual; it’s open-ended. In friendship, there is possibility for any/every emotion to surface. Friendships can last a lifetime, or be of whatever length of time that the energy is maintained. Friendships can ebb and flow. Friendships can change in intensity.
It’s a continuum with acquaintance/casual friend at one end and really good, close friend at the other. The difference? Degrees of acceptance and intimacy. Areas of mutual interest and similar outlook and perceptions of the world are often present, more so with ‘good friends’; friendship between me and people with quite different bva’s and ways of living? – not so deep/close, but there is still a bond/attraction/energetic connection.
Love? Exists towards the ‘good friend’ end of the continuum, before that there is merely interest and curiosity and resonance, and increasingly along the continuum: affection and a sense of closeness, stronger energetic ‘sparks’.
Requirements: respect, acceptance, openness, truthfulness, trust.
Am I my own friend?
Starting again. Where am I, inside, on this – all those lines/thoughts seem too ‘from my head’. Go inside! It's a feeling in my 4th. Not a good feeling there, norin my 2nd. So what are my bva’s re friendships right now? – true, meaningful friendships are fragile, not to be taken for granted, can ‘be misused’ if I impose demands - or vice versa; can ‘die’ if either partner in the f’ship breaks trust, betrays, is untruthful.
I feel friendships are precious goods, not to be squandered or harmed. Why? Without them my life would lose much of it’s shine. Is this true? am I just saying this? Why are friendships valuable? Compared to lots of people, I have few real friends, I can count them on my fingers (and toes, maybe) - but boy, do I ever value those friends. I LIKE/LOVE them. Do I NEED them?
Friends are reflections of some part of myself – I need them to see/hear/sense myself. Is that it?
On my own, I’m scared of – what? Not being able to ‘find’ myself, my edges, my depth? Not being able to keep myself interested – in my life?
If I had no friends . . . I’d find friends. Is this true? or would I go into a deep mode of feeling sorry for myself etc. and self-loathing etc. Why do my friends like me? stay 'with' me? what'd it be like without them? Certainly there's a part of me that fears losing them.
Standing alone – yes, I do, I can. So where do friends come into it? To play with, to reflect off of, to exchange with, to give and take with, to laugh and cry with. Even while I stand alone, and he/she stands alone. And yet we can be together too. Hmmmm.
Luxuriating in a friendship, trusting it; a possibility for me? Or am I always worrying that it’s fragile and a scarce commodity. Is it the friendship that’s vulnerable, or me and my sense of self-worth that's vulnerable? NO wonder I am fearful, can't let down my guard. Don't relax and fully enjoy.
To love someone else I have to love myself. To be a friend with someone, I have to be able to be my own friend. I know this; heard it often enough.
In a Quantum Universe, it’s not so complicated, not so scary.
He/she is a part of me, it's a holograph, I am him/her. So when my friends are me – how come I consider friendship to be such a fragile thing . . . ? something to guard and protect?
It’s because I’m ‘forgetting that it’s a quantum/holographic universe; I’m standing in a scarcity/danger position. I’m not trusting myself, and I’m underestimating the other’s ability to be ok, set their boundaries, fend for themselves – cuz they’re me and I underestimate myself. I'm fearful of imposing, of abusing the gift of friendship. Ultimately, I'm not sure I deserve it. I'm keeping myself small by keeping myself victim to these fears.
If/when I remember what I am and I stand in my own power, then my friends stand in theirs, and everything about Friendship changes for me. And the friendship can just be what it is, I don't have to guard, protect (control?!) or be fearful of it; it will develop and deepen, or not . . . not dangerously, just however it does. There is abundance in this world and a friendship is a safe ‘place’ – until it isn’t a friendship any more because for some reason the connection breaks/fizzles/disappears. The friendship/relationship ends; and I DON"T.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
YuuuuHuuuu
I’ve been back in Ottawa for almost 2 weeks – why haven’t I written here yet?
And why did I gravitate to the laptop now instead of grabbing my book, as I thought I would when I dried my hands and left the kitchen with a cup of tea? I’ve too many thoughts rumbling around, and no idea where to start writing. Part of ‘not writing yet’ has to do with a belief that before I can blog I have to have my thoughts clear and figured out, so they’ll look good in print. Anything else is journaling, talking out loud, rambling – and somewhere in me is a belief that I shouldn’t do that in public. After all, I might be boring the reader, or expose the mundaneness of my thought patterns – or both, and more.
If I stick with this belief-ridden conversation for a moment and don’t just brush it off because it’s getting uncomfortable, I see in what I’ve just written that I’m assuming that there will be judgemental readers with no self-preservation skills (is it my job to save her/him from boredom?); and that I have expectations of my ‘writing’ –that it should meet a standard; only then will I consider it worthy of being posted on the blogsite. What does this say about me? Lots. I’m reminding myself of my life-long effort to appear ‘smart’ or at least ‘interesting’ and of the corollary, my dislike of feeling stupid. I see my presupposition that others will be judging me (not just reading me with an open mind and heart) and its corollary: my desire to be accepted, included, not rejected.
I guess THIS is why I was drawn to blogging tonight – I guess I wanted to remind myself of aspects that are a part of me, habits and thought patterns that I developed because they were intelligent for me. And to make me aware again that these are not serving me any more, that they are keeping me small and silent, and goddammit, remind me that I actually KNOW that that’s not who/what I’m going to be any more. But old thought patterns come alive again when/if I’m not paying attention.
So, moving on from that, what leaps to mind to write about now is the image from one of the discussions that came up at Sheila’s group yesterday: Women in Powerful Conversations. In it, I am peeking out from behind a wall. What I see now, after the session yesterday, is that while I know much more clearly what I do NOT want to do, believe, fear, think any more, it’s only a first step and yet I’ve been hiding behind it, not moving forward and exploring all, or even just some of the possibilities that I’m gradually starting to realize that I DO want to create in my life.
As I write, I realize I’m again falling into my own trap of being hard on myself. In fact I HAVE made some big steps toward creating something more meaningful for me; I’m often amazed, astounded, thrilled and proud of the changes around me and in me. And I know I am not only the person playing hide and seek with myself, I am also an explorer – albeit a cautious and confused one. An explorer in hiding – now there’s an oxymoron!
The image of ‘hiding behind what I know I don’t want’ resonated with me for a good reason yesterday, I am sure, and I’m going to stay with some of the questions it raises for a while and see how powerful they might be. Actually, it’s not the questions that will be potent, it’s the feeling I have now in my body that speaks of fire and curiosity and movement. I’ve been hiding because I want to know what’s around the corner before venturing forth. It’s not a new awareness, this knowing that I ‘need to know’, but by creating opportunities to repeat it to myself often, and again here, I’m getting closer to actually accepting ‘not knowing’. It’s becoming increasingly clear (and the intensity in my body right now makes me realize I’m on to something relevant for me here!) that I will not, and cannot know what’s around the corner until I go there. Peeking isn’t enough, it doesn’t get me there. And there’s nobody stopping me from emerging into the open but myself; that’s clear too.
I’ll stay with my fire, curiosity and movement, enjoy them, and see where they take me.
And why did I gravitate to the laptop now instead of grabbing my book, as I thought I would when I dried my hands and left the kitchen with a cup of tea? I’ve too many thoughts rumbling around, and no idea where to start writing. Part of ‘not writing yet’ has to do with a belief that before I can blog I have to have my thoughts clear and figured out, so they’ll look good in print. Anything else is journaling, talking out loud, rambling – and somewhere in me is a belief that I shouldn’t do that in public. After all, I might be boring the reader, or expose the mundaneness of my thought patterns – or both, and more.
If I stick with this belief-ridden conversation for a moment and don’t just brush it off because it’s getting uncomfortable, I see in what I’ve just written that I’m assuming that there will be judgemental readers with no self-preservation skills (is it my job to save her/him from boredom?); and that I have expectations of my ‘writing’ –that it should meet a standard; only then will I consider it worthy of being posted on the blogsite. What does this say about me? Lots. I’m reminding myself of my life-long effort to appear ‘smart’ or at least ‘interesting’ and of the corollary, my dislike of feeling stupid. I see my presupposition that others will be judging me (not just reading me with an open mind and heart) and its corollary: my desire to be accepted, included, not rejected.
I guess THIS is why I was drawn to blogging tonight – I guess I wanted to remind myself of aspects that are a part of me, habits and thought patterns that I developed because they were intelligent for me. And to make me aware again that these are not serving me any more, that they are keeping me small and silent, and goddammit, remind me that I actually KNOW that that’s not who/what I’m going to be any more. But old thought patterns come alive again when/if I’m not paying attention.
So, moving on from that, what leaps to mind to write about now is the image from one of the discussions that came up at Sheila’s group yesterday: Women in Powerful Conversations. In it, I am peeking out from behind a wall. What I see now, after the session yesterday, is that while I know much more clearly what I do NOT want to do, believe, fear, think any more, it’s only a first step and yet I’ve been hiding behind it, not moving forward and exploring all, or even just some of the possibilities that I’m gradually starting to realize that I DO want to create in my life.
As I write, I realize I’m again falling into my own trap of being hard on myself. In fact I HAVE made some big steps toward creating something more meaningful for me; I’m often amazed, astounded, thrilled and proud of the changes around me and in me. And I know I am not only the person playing hide and seek with myself, I am also an explorer – albeit a cautious and confused one. An explorer in hiding – now there’s an oxymoron!
The image of ‘hiding behind what I know I don’t want’ resonated with me for a good reason yesterday, I am sure, and I’m going to stay with some of the questions it raises for a while and see how powerful they might be. Actually, it’s not the questions that will be potent, it’s the feeling I have now in my body that speaks of fire and curiosity and movement. I’ve been hiding because I want to know what’s around the corner before venturing forth. It’s not a new awareness, this knowing that I ‘need to know’, but by creating opportunities to repeat it to myself often, and again here, I’m getting closer to actually accepting ‘not knowing’. It’s becoming increasingly clear (and the intensity in my body right now makes me realize I’m on to something relevant for me here!) that I will not, and cannot know what’s around the corner until I go there. Peeking isn’t enough, it doesn’t get me there. And there’s nobody stopping me from emerging into the open but myself; that’s clear too.
I’ll stay with my fire, curiosity and movement, enjoy them, and see where they take me.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Where to start, six weeks later? Here.
Friday, December 7, 2007
It’s been a wonderful week at Oceanstone; and Louise’s blog on Dec. 6 (http://www.louiselebrun.blogspot.com) captures the intensity and the scope of the discussions we’ve had during the Whispers from Within writing retreat (http://www.wel-systems.com/programs/WR.htm ). In fact, none in the group has written extensively – but that’s not the point; writing was to be a tool to elicit and shape unformulated thoughts and give them expression and voice. New, hidden or untapped thoughts have gurgled and hissed, popped and splashed into the program room even without the help of pens and paper and the impact of the week has been huge for me. I can’t articulate more about it now – it’s all too fresh, too big and too wide to have clarity, and adequate words are escaping me.
Since my last blog a great deal of time has past, and a huge shift in my self-awareness now starts to feel ‘normal’ and no longer revolutionary and destabilizing. My new footing began to take hold during my two weeks in Portugal when I was with Gwen McCauley on a painting program she aptly labeled “Feeding the Muse’ (http://www.ouicoach.com/wor_creativity.html) And the momentum of the shift in my awareness and awakeness has accelerated for me this week. The ‘space’ I’m in now feels more intense and vibrant; I feel stronger and far more ‘at cause’ than I can ever remember – even if I allow for the ‘halo effect’ of a freshly completed experience. I feel enlivened and exhilarated and it’s a wonderful way to end a long week.
I don’t think a summary of my ‘journey’ over the last month is possible – how could I get it all together, let alone briefly? Maybe it’s ‘more useful’ for me to declare where I am today: to state that my life feels immensely different because I now know for certain that I matter in my life, that MY choices are defining my life, and that this important and empowering knowledge is now in my body, not just me ‘head’ and that it’s making a huge difference to everything I think, say and do. I am aware today that I will make choices now from a different base: with consideration of what holds meaning for me and allows me to be truthful to myself, and my guiding ‘principle’ is ME, MY intentions, MY hopes and dreams, my inspiration(s). It sounds very self –ish, doesn’t it! And it is; other people who’ve ‘enjoyed’ my kind of upbringing will be wringing their hand in dismay (or wailing and gnashing their teeth) because I’m breaking out into thoroughly forbidden territory: I’m putting me/myself/moi at the centre of my life and I’m going to be living knowing that every moment counts, every choice, every step I take. Matters to me, and matters to the universe because my energetic expression is part of all that’s around us. A tiny part of all that is, I’ll admit, but not insignificant!
I’ll head home on Sunday, and I’m keen to see how this new ME I’ve described moves through my ‘real’ world, my daily life – away from the immense safety of the program room and familiar, fellow Whisperers. I will pay attention to how it feels inside, and how changes occur when I stay true to myself, go for/choose ‘impact over nice’ – to use Louise’s words from her blog. By choosing actions and activities that hold meaning for me, and by surrounding myself and/or discovering people who, to quote Louise again, “are massive in their potential, strong in voice and shameless in their willingness to wrap their hands around what they want and engage”, I am aware that my life will be very different. That thought used to frighten me; now it’s an invitation to discover, experience and enjoy.
So stay tuned: Over the longer term because my ‘hopes and dreams and inspirations’ that I alluded to (above) intrigue and excite me; and right now, I have NO shape or form to give to them. In the more immediate future, I’m going to learn how to include photos on this blog. There are several shots from last month in Portugal that I want to share because they are an expression of me, of shapes and scenes that excited me that I captured in colour instead of words. So it’s tempting to include them here. After all: I’m here, blogging, expressing myself out loud in any way that works. Works for ME, that is!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Three days since writing the piece above, the wonderful Ideas Festival (http://anneberube.blogspot.com/2007/10/ideas-festival.html) is still flashing up in my mind with scenes, sounds, conversations, thoughts and people that I hope will stay alive and vibrant in me, and the first day back home is under my belt. I have found myself reacting to people and situations differently and sense that I am living from a ‘new’ space within me today. I can’t describe it, but what I wrote on Friday gives an idea of what I’m experiencing; I noticed myself taking a self-ish approach to choosing, to answering, to deciding, to suggesting. It’s MY life! popped to mind frequently, like a tune that I can’t stop humming – only this one doesn’t drive me crazy. Quite the opposite.
Yet – the paradox is striking – while I’m focused on being selfish and practicing the art of ‘checking in with myself’ for guidance (and not basing my choices on the expectations or opinions of others – to state this in clearer terms, just in case!) I’m simultaneously aware of how I am more appreciative and aware, more loving of others around me. It’s a fairly recent development, and I’ll be honest, and I don’t find everybody loveable, not yet, at least! So much of my life I have been fearful of others. My perception/attitude was !watch out or I’ll get hurt! – clearly a severely limiting belief. I am learning to see ‘people’ more clearly as unique and wonderful, as reflections of me in some ways, and I sense a connection in a larger sense: others aren’t forces to contend with but they are godforces to grow with. It’s as if, by seeing myself more clearly, by accepting/valuing myself and allowing myself to make MY choices, I am simultaneously creating a more welcoming/trusting space on MY holodeck and others have more room to play. It’s the abundance-safety discussion from another angle; and probably there will be many more angles of it for me to wake up to. Thankfully I am actively, rapidly moving away from my previously firmly held position at the danger/scarcity end of the continuum.
Over the Festival Weekend, I was surrounded by hugely alive, appealing and interesting people, both the participants and the presenters, each with an amazing ability and willingness to let me see them. I surprised myself when I realized the extent of the love and caring I felt for this group; tears flowed – wonderment about my depth of feeling.
The penny dropped last night that while much of my attraction to the festival presenters was their openness, it was also hugely influenced by my admiration for them: they had all created something visible/audible/tangible; they had come bearing gifts that they had created from within themselves that expressed who they are. And I had come empty-handed. A third chakra “NO MORE” welled up inside me at this realization. Watching others with admiration as they express themselves, feeling ok about myself by piggy-backing on others’ creativity and imagination is not working; it is NOT enough for me any more. The time has come for me to really hear those truthful roars that come from deep inside me and act on them. I know that now.
It’s been a wonderful week at Oceanstone; and Louise’s blog on Dec. 6 (http://www.louiselebrun.blogspot.com) captures the intensity and the scope of the discussions we’ve had during the Whispers from Within writing retreat (http://www.wel-systems.com/programs/WR.htm ). In fact, none in the group has written extensively – but that’s not the point; writing was to be a tool to elicit and shape unformulated thoughts and give them expression and voice. New, hidden or untapped thoughts have gurgled and hissed, popped and splashed into the program room even without the help of pens and paper and the impact of the week has been huge for me. I can’t articulate more about it now – it’s all too fresh, too big and too wide to have clarity, and adequate words are escaping me.
Since my last blog a great deal of time has past, and a huge shift in my self-awareness now starts to feel ‘normal’ and no longer revolutionary and destabilizing. My new footing began to take hold during my two weeks in Portugal when I was with Gwen McCauley on a painting program she aptly labeled “Feeding the Muse’ (http://www.ouicoach.com/wor_creativity.html) And the momentum of the shift in my awareness and awakeness has accelerated for me this week. The ‘space’ I’m in now feels more intense and vibrant; I feel stronger and far more ‘at cause’ than I can ever remember – even if I allow for the ‘halo effect’ of a freshly completed experience. I feel enlivened and exhilarated and it’s a wonderful way to end a long week.
I don’t think a summary of my ‘journey’ over the last month is possible – how could I get it all together, let alone briefly? Maybe it’s ‘more useful’ for me to declare where I am today: to state that my life feels immensely different because I now know for certain that I matter in my life, that MY choices are defining my life, and that this important and empowering knowledge is now in my body, not just me ‘head’ and that it’s making a huge difference to everything I think, say and do. I am aware today that I will make choices now from a different base: with consideration of what holds meaning for me and allows me to be truthful to myself, and my guiding ‘principle’ is ME, MY intentions, MY hopes and dreams, my inspiration(s). It sounds very self –ish, doesn’t it! And it is; other people who’ve ‘enjoyed’ my kind of upbringing will be wringing their hand in dismay (or wailing and gnashing their teeth) because I’m breaking out into thoroughly forbidden territory: I’m putting me/myself/moi at the centre of my life and I’m going to be living knowing that every moment counts, every choice, every step I take. Matters to me, and matters to the universe because my energetic expression is part of all that’s around us. A tiny part of all that is, I’ll admit, but not insignificant!
I’ll head home on Sunday, and I’m keen to see how this new ME I’ve described moves through my ‘real’ world, my daily life – away from the immense safety of the program room and familiar, fellow Whisperers. I will pay attention to how it feels inside, and how changes occur when I stay true to myself, go for/choose ‘impact over nice’ – to use Louise’s words from her blog. By choosing actions and activities that hold meaning for me, and by surrounding myself and/or discovering people who, to quote Louise again, “are massive in their potential, strong in voice and shameless in their willingness to wrap their hands around what they want and engage”, I am aware that my life will be very different. That thought used to frighten me; now it’s an invitation to discover, experience and enjoy.
So stay tuned: Over the longer term because my ‘hopes and dreams and inspirations’ that I alluded to (above) intrigue and excite me; and right now, I have NO shape or form to give to them. In the more immediate future, I’m going to learn how to include photos on this blog. There are several shots from last month in Portugal that I want to share because they are an expression of me, of shapes and scenes that excited me that I captured in colour instead of words. So it’s tempting to include them here. After all: I’m here, blogging, expressing myself out loud in any way that works. Works for ME, that is!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Three days since writing the piece above, the wonderful Ideas Festival (http://anneberube.blogspot.com/2007/10/ideas-festival.html) is still flashing up in my mind with scenes, sounds, conversations, thoughts and people that I hope will stay alive and vibrant in me, and the first day back home is under my belt. I have found myself reacting to people and situations differently and sense that I am living from a ‘new’ space within me today. I can’t describe it, but what I wrote on Friday gives an idea of what I’m experiencing; I noticed myself taking a self-ish approach to choosing, to answering, to deciding, to suggesting. It’s MY life! popped to mind frequently, like a tune that I can’t stop humming – only this one doesn’t drive me crazy. Quite the opposite.
Yet – the paradox is striking – while I’m focused on being selfish and practicing the art of ‘checking in with myself’ for guidance (and not basing my choices on the expectations or opinions of others – to state this in clearer terms, just in case!) I’m simultaneously aware of how I am more appreciative and aware, more loving of others around me. It’s a fairly recent development, and I’ll be honest, and I don’t find everybody loveable, not yet, at least! So much of my life I have been fearful of others. My perception/attitude was !watch out or I’ll get hurt! – clearly a severely limiting belief. I am learning to see ‘people’ more clearly as unique and wonderful, as reflections of me in some ways, and I sense a connection in a larger sense: others aren’t forces to contend with but they are godforces to grow with. It’s as if, by seeing myself more clearly, by accepting/valuing myself and allowing myself to make MY choices, I am simultaneously creating a more welcoming/trusting space on MY holodeck and others have more room to play. It’s the abundance-safety discussion from another angle; and probably there will be many more angles of it for me to wake up to. Thankfully I am actively, rapidly moving away from my previously firmly held position at the danger/scarcity end of the continuum.
Over the Festival Weekend, I was surrounded by hugely alive, appealing and interesting people, both the participants and the presenters, each with an amazing ability and willingness to let me see them. I surprised myself when I realized the extent of the love and caring I felt for this group; tears flowed – wonderment about my depth of feeling.
The penny dropped last night that while much of my attraction to the festival presenters was their openness, it was also hugely influenced by my admiration for them: they had all created something visible/audible/tangible; they had come bearing gifts that they had created from within themselves that expressed who they are. And I had come empty-handed. A third chakra “NO MORE” welled up inside me at this realization. Watching others with admiration as they express themselves, feeling ok about myself by piggy-backing on others’ creativity and imagination is not working; it is NOT enough for me any more. The time has come for me to really hear those truthful roars that come from deep inside me and act on them. I know that now.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
New Dance Tune(s)
Are YOU wondering how my self-initiated, giving myself permission to play is going? Well, two weeks later and I’m starting to wonder too.
The ‘facts: I spent one day-and-a-half ‘painting’, and I enjoyed the process a lot. I was focused and calm and ‘into it’; the results are not overwhelming and that’s ok. I look at them and remember the enjoyment I had in creating the colours and shapes. Besides that I have had some spurts of journaling or blogging and I shot a few photos.
The 'concerns': I’ve found numerous reasons to not play, or to half-play and I’m wondering what’s up. For instance I’ve just come back from a 3-hour photography course – interesting, fun, and certainly a form of procrastination if ‘results’ are part of this. And/but if growing and learning are part of playing, then of course, this falls within the project’s guidelines so I can pat myself on the back. Is that the point? And anyway, then what?
Lots of questions buzz within me. Do I feel guilty? What’s playing anyway? Did I give myself permission to do what I want to do, to do it consciously, or was ‘the project’ to actually sit down and paint/write/shoot photos? Is it that I have nothing to show for my two weeks of allowed-to-play-to-my-heart’s-content that is in my awareness (worries me is too strong a term) or is it that it didn’t feel like work? or what? And what good would it do if I could answer all of these? None.
I basically KNOW that I should just let go of all these perceived dilemmas, and that ALL of this mind-teasing, question posing game is another form of hiding, avoiding exploring deeper within myself; it’s a form of teasing myself. I’m only thinking about living when I do this.
Am I really into self-torture and slow, slow incremental change? Why did I create this little project BOX for myself? To give myself something to squeeze myself into (again!)? Even tho I purposely left most issues open-ended, the fact that I drew up 'a project' in the first place means I've set a framework for me to stay within. Is that useful? NO. Possibly it felt safe. And that's not useful in the long run either. I've done safe. But I seem to still search for it, when/if I'm not awake. Safe lures me back into my coma. Or maybe it's my coma that draws me back to searching for safe. Yet I know that safe isn't safe for me; I've had it with safe - intellectually at least; maybe my body is still growing into this awareness?
At times in the last two weeks, I did give myself full permission to let my body lead me . . . with the result that last weekend I dissolved into movements and waves. And other days I was anally organizational (sorting my winter clothes; buying a practical container for my paints and brushes so that setting up to paint is much easier now). All useful, but I was putting off actually ‘playing’ fully, creatively, whole-heartedly. And then there’s the day or two where I saw friends over coffee, or time spent pondering on the phone. Was I mindfully living and letting energy flow, or were these 'wasting time' or old habituated actions (safe ones) that I reverted back into because I’m scared of focusing myself to actually attempt to create something that’s meaningful to me, of stepping into the void?
Or are these also forms of explorations and growth, of inviting whispers from my silent places to gain their voice, and of 'letting things unfold' without a plan-of-action to refer to? And am I just falling back into my well-honed talent of beating up on myself, making things more complicated than they need be – in fact: tripping over myself?
And I think I know that THIS answer is a big yes!
And as it happens, the theme of be gentle, ease up, have some compassion with myself! has come up so often in various ways this week it’s now almost a throbbing in my head. When it first came to my awareness I dissolved into tears and movement, there was such a strong resonance. Now, it feel more like a helpful reminder, a welcome nudge – albeit a strong one. And it’s got some rhythm.
Anita’s blog today mentions it in terms of The Overachiever. Her blog reminds me that a healthy dose of humour would be helpful too – in fact, I realize, there’s lots of resonance here for me - and not just for the ‘achievement’ issue! I’ll let lighten up! throb alongside the ease up! message this coming week . . . the tune will be quite catchy and - if I let it, it'll stick with me and set a lighter tone for ME 'n MySelf to dance to - all signals bopping brightly.
The ‘facts: I spent one day-and-a-half ‘painting’, and I enjoyed the process a lot. I was focused and calm and ‘into it’; the results are not overwhelming and that’s ok. I look at them and remember the enjoyment I had in creating the colours and shapes. Besides that I have had some spurts of journaling or blogging and I shot a few photos.
The 'concerns': I’ve found numerous reasons to not play, or to half-play and I’m wondering what’s up. For instance I’ve just come back from a 3-hour photography course – interesting, fun, and certainly a form of procrastination if ‘results’ are part of this. And/but if growing and learning are part of playing, then of course, this falls within the project’s guidelines so I can pat myself on the back. Is that the point? And anyway, then what?
Lots of questions buzz within me. Do I feel guilty? What’s playing anyway? Did I give myself permission to do what I want to do, to do it consciously, or was ‘the project’ to actually sit down and paint/write/shoot photos? Is it that I have nothing to show for my two weeks of allowed-to-play-to-my-heart’s-content that is in my awareness (worries me is too strong a term) or is it that it didn’t feel like work? or what? And what good would it do if I could answer all of these? None.
I basically KNOW that I should just let go of all these perceived dilemmas, and that ALL of this mind-teasing, question posing game is another form of hiding, avoiding exploring deeper within myself; it’s a form of teasing myself. I’m only thinking about living when I do this.
Am I really into self-torture and slow, slow incremental change? Why did I create this little project BOX for myself? To give myself something to squeeze myself into (again!)? Even tho I purposely left most issues open-ended, the fact that I drew up 'a project' in the first place means I've set a framework for me to stay within. Is that useful? NO. Possibly it felt safe. And that's not useful in the long run either. I've done safe. But I seem to still search for it, when/if I'm not awake. Safe lures me back into my coma. Or maybe it's my coma that draws me back to searching for safe. Yet I know that safe isn't safe for me; I've had it with safe - intellectually at least; maybe my body is still growing into this awareness?
At times in the last two weeks, I did give myself full permission to let my body lead me . . . with the result that last weekend I dissolved into movements and waves. And other days I was anally organizational (sorting my winter clothes; buying a practical container for my paints and brushes so that setting up to paint is much easier now). All useful, but I was putting off actually ‘playing’ fully, creatively, whole-heartedly. And then there’s the day or two where I saw friends over coffee, or time spent pondering on the phone. Was I mindfully living and letting energy flow, or were these 'wasting time' or old habituated actions (safe ones) that I reverted back into because I’m scared of focusing myself to actually attempt to create something that’s meaningful to me, of stepping into the void?
Or are these also forms of explorations and growth, of inviting whispers from my silent places to gain their voice, and of 'letting things unfold' without a plan-of-action to refer to? And am I just falling back into my well-honed talent of beating up on myself, making things more complicated than they need be – in fact: tripping over myself?
And I think I know that THIS answer is a big yes!
And as it happens, the theme of be gentle, ease up, have some compassion with myself! has come up so often in various ways this week it’s now almost a throbbing in my head. When it first came to my awareness I dissolved into tears and movement, there was such a strong resonance. Now, it feel more like a helpful reminder, a welcome nudge – albeit a strong one. And it’s got some rhythm.
Anita’s blog today mentions it in terms of The Overachiever. Her blog reminds me that a healthy dose of humour would be helpful too – in fact, I realize, there’s lots of resonance here for me - and not just for the ‘achievement’ issue! I’ll let lighten up! throb alongside the ease up! message this coming week . . . the tune will be quite catchy and - if I let it, it'll stick with me and set a lighter tone for ME 'n MySelf to dance to - all signals bopping brightly.
Friday, October 19, 2007
No answers; new story
I've been following Louise’s blogs this week with even more interest than usual (Is that possible!?) - remembering my week in June, wishing I were in Oceanstone again now AND knowing I'm also glad to be here and just living their “Leadership Redefined” week vicariously. I also feel that 'leadership' is the wrong word; Louise has been ‘battling’ this problem for a long time – surely we can solve this. And 'awakeLivingness' just doesn't have the right ring, does it!
So many of Louise's blog-sentences leapt off my screen at me, as reflections of what I experienced then and of what I've been pondering (again) this week - as if I had been in the program room again. And with that comes the welcome realisation that I AM moving forward and not merely repeating things, albeit confusedly. Most of the time, recently, I can say that I HAVE moved into a/the leadership position. (An aside: what’s missing is any idea of where my leadership might lead. I ‘know’ that this shouldn’t worry me, but it’s a leap as I used to Need To Know and there’s still some of that in my body, for sure.) I am very aware of huge changes in my bva’s and thoughts about me and my place in this world as a piece of the puzzle. And as a result how I move/act has changed which makes me 'look' tough/hard and impatient at times, and just disinterested at other times - because that's what I am! I’m sometimes put off by the tough/hard me; I too had accepted myself as sweet ‘n smiling because I’d successfully hidden my tough (strong? honest?) side from myself). I'm more familiar with the disinterested/impatient me; I’d known full well that there is that side of me, and that I’d tried to hide it from others. And I sense that my husband's not so keen on any of these traits and feels either regretful, left out and/or defensive, so this sentence of Louise’s rings very relevant today even though I’m not sure where it takes me:
"Before we can find its meaningful expression, we must redefine leadership so that we can live it in ways that do not destroy us and the people we love."
I’m noticing that 'standing alone' - a huge factor in what we’re calling reclaimed leadership, is a lot easier. In fact, standing alone has stated to feel 'normal' and especially when I AM on my own. . . it's the connecting to the 'old' others that's more difficult right now. Especially when I don't have much to show others about who I am becoming (except the impatient toughy). It's as if my (new) less judgemental position, the more letting go- inviting - and - allowing - me doesn't register on their screens - they just see old 'smiling, sweet Lucy' still, I guess! I read this last sentence and I realize now it’s up to me to expose ‘new’ me better so that there’s no doubt, no confusion, about what “others’ see. And as OTHERS are my creations, others are reflections of me etc etc. maybe it’s all about ME not clearly seeing (or believing in?) the ME that I’m becoming? Hmmmm.
Back to what I was going to say, before that holographic universe penny dropped: A huge breakthrough last weekend was when I became aware of how much FEAR of others, and fear of life, in fact of myself was COEXISTING with my love of people, of life and yes, even of myself - and how crazy making this cohabitation is; these are irreconcilable room-mates. It hit me that this is one mighty big mama that is not allowing me to really step into full five-star leadership. And in a flash I knew I could/would rewrite THE STORY of those fears i.e. reclaim a life without those androgenous-baby-fears. Turn the page, start a new story . . . and now, since I recovered from the physical stuff that moved in and through my body, it's been a new, great week.
Maybe by breaking my foot in June, and with my fractured elbow last month, I was trying to point out to myself the double/split life I was leading; that the retardant, fearful me and the awake, expanding me - two powerful energies, were pulling me apart, were tripping me up, stopping me in my tracks, holding me back. Certainly, since last weekend, by realizing I can start a new story, I feel whole-er, and less torn in two. And I think my healing bones ache less too.
Those old fears could, I suppose, try to come back to haunt me. I will really try to remember that I’m NOT writing a ghost story this time ‘round.
In this current story so far, I’ve been frequently impatient, openly disinterested, and quick to say no even when yes would have been nicer and easier. And that’s probably why my story WILL evolve into one of creating/recognising opportunities for myself for growth and nourishment and excitement – who wants to read about impatience and boredom? Not me. And I’m the author (leader?), so I get to choose.
So many of Louise's blog-sentences leapt off my screen at me, as reflections of what I experienced then and of what I've been pondering (again) this week - as if I had been in the program room again. And with that comes the welcome realisation that I AM moving forward and not merely repeating things, albeit confusedly. Most of the time, recently, I can say that I HAVE moved into a/the leadership position. (An aside: what’s missing is any idea of where my leadership might lead. I ‘know’ that this shouldn’t worry me, but it’s a leap as I used to Need To Know and there’s still some of that in my body, for sure.) I am very aware of huge changes in my bva’s and thoughts about me and my place in this world as a piece of the puzzle. And as a result how I move/act has changed which makes me 'look' tough/hard and impatient at times, and just disinterested at other times - because that's what I am! I’m sometimes put off by the tough/hard me; I too had accepted myself as sweet ‘n smiling because I’d successfully hidden my tough (strong? honest?) side from myself). I'm more familiar with the disinterested/impatient me; I’d known full well that there is that side of me, and that I’d tried to hide it from others. And I sense that my husband's not so keen on any of these traits and feels either regretful, left out and/or defensive, so this sentence of Louise’s rings very relevant today even though I’m not sure where it takes me:
"Before we can find its meaningful expression, we must redefine leadership so that we can live it in ways that do not destroy us and the people we love."
I’m noticing that 'standing alone' - a huge factor in what we’re calling reclaimed leadership, is a lot easier. In fact, standing alone has stated to feel 'normal' and especially when I AM on my own. . . it's the connecting to the 'old' others that's more difficult right now. Especially when I don't have much to show others about who I am becoming (except the impatient toughy). It's as if my (new) less judgemental position, the more letting go- inviting - and - allowing - me doesn't register on their screens - they just see old 'smiling, sweet Lucy' still, I guess! I read this last sentence and I realize now it’s up to me to expose ‘new’ me better so that there’s no doubt, no confusion, about what “others’ see. And as OTHERS are my creations, others are reflections of me etc etc. maybe it’s all about ME not clearly seeing (or believing in?) the ME that I’m becoming? Hmmmm.
Back to what I was going to say, before that holographic universe penny dropped: A huge breakthrough last weekend was when I became aware of how much FEAR of others, and fear of life, in fact of myself was COEXISTING with my love of people, of life and yes, even of myself - and how crazy making this cohabitation is; these are irreconcilable room-mates. It hit me that this is one mighty big mama that is not allowing me to really step into full five-star leadership. And in a flash I knew I could/would rewrite THE STORY of those fears i.e. reclaim a life without those androgenous-baby-fears. Turn the page, start a new story . . . and now, since I recovered from the physical stuff that moved in and through my body, it's been a new, great week.
Maybe by breaking my foot in June, and with my fractured elbow last month, I was trying to point out to myself the double/split life I was leading; that the retardant, fearful me and the awake, expanding me - two powerful energies, were pulling me apart, were tripping me up, stopping me in my tracks, holding me back. Certainly, since last weekend, by realizing I can start a new story, I feel whole-er, and less torn in two. And I think my healing bones ache less too.
Those old fears could, I suppose, try to come back to haunt me. I will really try to remember that I’m NOT writing a ghost story this time ‘round.
In this current story so far, I’ve been frequently impatient, openly disinterested, and quick to say no even when yes would have been nicer and easier. And that’s probably why my story WILL evolve into one of creating/recognising opportunities for myself for growth and nourishment and excitement – who wants to read about impatience and boredom? Not me. And I’m the author (leader?), so I get to choose.
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