Plunging into my void? or stepping into my mini-void?

I’ve been back from Europe for two weeks now, and feel HERE again at last. I don’t do the transition easily, I’m learning – and especially not when I return with a very swollen, painful left elbow that I hurt when I tripped on the sidewalk in Belgium. Clearly, I’m inviting myself to consider where I’m going, what ground I’m standing on and how safe I am – my elbow is in addition to the swelling and some pain from my foot injury of four months ago which still linger. The timing, locations and nature of my fractures (I had x-rays this week so the doctor can now understand and label it), and the protracted swelling and bruising as well as my resulting limited mobility and flexibility are interesting to ponder; the CODE model certainly has been a useful tool. I have no firm answers and I’m slowly learning to accept that; I rumble and breathe with the wisps of insights I’m gaining as I recover and go forward.
I had a great conversation with Gwen last week, after which my confusion probably increased but so did my determination to ‘stick with the tough questions’ and not let the invitations my body is giving me go unnoticed. What I certainly came away with was a clearer (!?!) awareness that I am creating my world, my own illusion, and many questions that arise about what of my creation is still serving me and which aspects do I want to change. Because I have no idea of what changing what I’ve created i.e. my holodeck might really mean, I peer into a void and it’s pretty daunting (especially for me: I have valued ‘knowing’ and have preferred taking a safe route). What I DO know is that the choice to continue to not explore who I am and to hide and/or silence myself (safe as it WAS) now seems terrible (it’s really not serving me any more, I’m constantly tripping over myself) so the terror of the void becomes a real choice whereas before it was an impossible thought to consider. The void becomes acceptable on good days when I am full of trust in myself, fully aware of mySelf as a force that is guiding me and Not Knowing seems like an opportunity to explore. (I recently had a dream of walking along, it was me as a child, and I was being led by the hand by what was clearly (!?) mySelf; it is a wonderful vision to keep actively in my mind). But there are many days when I get caught up in the boxes and patterns that seem ‘normal’ and when putting one foot in front of the other becomes a mindless, circular path within the known confines of my world, instead of an awake-and-aware path that expands my horizons (albeit in an unknown, a void). And on those days, I sense restlessness, agitation, or lethargy – which I read as warning signals now.
Yesterday, I played with getting more concrete about ‘taking action’ on jumping into a void. A mini-void, maybe, as it seems ‘safe’ in this context (see below). The idea of mini-void makes me giggle at my consistency – my life-long pattern of avoiding risk. Am I now stepping back from taking a really committed transformational plunge , or am I actually plunging and just labeling it in a way so I can stomach the sweeps and lurches?
Certainly I have no idea what entering/plunging into the void will mean for my holodeck, and I also know that it will change lots. At any rate, my cautiously outrageous proposal is giving me a sense of excitement and adventure about next week – and that’s a great start! Because applying for funding and disbursing grant money has been one aspect of my activities (is ‘my activities’ synonymous with ‘my life’? hmmm; I'm observing what I write eh?!) for the last twenty years, it seemed like an appropriate was to frame my declaration to myself – and then allow myself some leeway with the norm. I found myself giggling as I wrote it, and I take that as a message that I might be on to something. New ground, a new footing? Who knows.

PROJECT PROPOSAL:

Title: PERMISSION TO EXPRESS MYSELF

Project Background:
There’s an increasingly strong agitation from within me that hints at a need to say something.
By giving myself full permission to play, to create, to dream and to discover, I will be better able to address my apparent desire to express myself out loud, on paper, and however else seems called for. Until now, I have chosen to postpone or prevent action, but I am aware that my inaction is affecting my health/wellbeing and am now determined to cease creating ‘reasons’ for postponing what I know I want to explore. Until now, I have been fearful of having nothing to say, and/or of not producing ‘work’ that I can stand behind. (This speaks to my fear of meeting my own expectations as well as those of others). And I have considered that spending a lot of time jotting down ‘ideas’ and/or playing with ‘art’ would be a luxury, frivolous, and therefore not on. (This speaks to my need to appear ‘useful’ and ‘contributing’; as well to as my belief that to create a painting, a ‘real’ photograph or to write, one has to be creative, an artist, be artistic etc. etc. And I held the belief that I was none of these.) I now realize how influenced I have been by the opinions of others, and my perceived inadequacies; and that my sense of self was tied to the roles that I’ve taken on and has undermined expressing myself.
There is a feeling of urgency now in my body; I’m hearing a cry from within that tells me I must really focus on exploring and discovering ways to express myself . By mucking about with my camera, my paints, my words and anything else that comes into my awareness, I intend to discover whatever is begging from within me to be expressed, voiced, formed, aired, explored and allow it to expand and develop.

Project Description:
I will allow and encourage myself to play. (‘Play’ will be code for: paint, write, shoot, photoshop, engage with others in meaningful conversations – maybe even cook! and any other ways of expressing something/myself that might evolve as the explorations advance.) I will not create situations for myself that seem ‘more important’ – i.e. reasons that make me think that I can’t allow myself to play. i.e. I will not revert back to the old strategy of ‘dealing with my (perceived) responsibilities and duties’ and thinking that that ok and even correct.
The amount of time I allow myself to play will be left open, and it will be a significant portion of each week. I will not set a timeframe or a daily schedule as I want to stay open to surprises and discoveries about myself, my habits, need to schedules etc. and I give myself permission to change any habits, rules or plans about ‘play time’.

Outcome:
Innumerable photos, paintings and writen pieces. Many fun and stimulating conversations - often with nothing to ‘show’ after but lots to feel and ponder.
Stimulation and challenges, ideas and laughter will nourish me and will be stored in my body. Ultimately, all the feelings I experience within myself as I carry out the project, and the insights I gain about myself and my discoveries and explorations will be the meaningful ‘results’. I will become comfortable giving myself full permission, and ‘creating’ and expressing myself will become extremely playful and more ‘natural’.

At some point, I will choose 10 photos, 10 paintings, 10 written pieces, and 10 surprises (about which I am most curious and eager) that I feel good about and/or that expose ‘stuff’ from inside, and/or are evidence for me that I’m alive and expanding. I don’t know how I’ll ‘package’ them – that’ll be part of the exploration – and I’ll present them to all/any friends who have supported me unconditionally in this project and who are willing to be part of a celebration with me.


Budget:
I give myself full permission to spend money on paint, art materials, paper, frames, and other costs incurred in the process of playing. Because I already have what I need to get started, this question will also be onc of discovery as I go along: how generous can I be with myself? I permit myself to ‘think big’ beyond the current confines of my imagination and not let frugality determine the scope of my play.
Included in the budget is an undetermined amount for a celebration.

Outside Evaluation:
Not appropriate; meaningless.
This project will be amazing because I give myself full permission to make it wonderful and full of wonder, and ‘it will unfold as it should’.

Phase II:
Bigger, even more open-ended.