It’s not that I need to do the vacuuming around here; it’s that I feel like I’m in A Vacuum, and it’s dense and heavy, warm and safe – yet physically uncomfortable. The rain on the roof sounds steady, determined and comforting, and the aimlessness of my day is unsettling. I have lots TO DO, and absolutely no inclination to get any of IT done nor to start anything new. Those ‘to do’s’ are products of my intellect – some of them I even actually truly want to do. And I know that my ‘uncomfortablness’ is heavily influenced by my OLD belief that being busy is ’good’ and getting stuff done is useful – (combined with the knowledge of the fact that I will have to complete these tasks at one point and/but postponing them for a while isn’t going to change much). And my body is saying NO to all of them; I’m not bored, not tired, not depressed; I’m restless, unsettled, unfocussed and sort of floating – with lots of body responses traveling gently but nonetheless noticeably through me.
I ‘know’ this is all ok and that I don’t need to fix myself, don’t need to ‘snap out of it’ (as I’ve be taught to do); and I’m trusting that just letting it happen and staying with it is what I need to do if I’m going to get to know myself better and move closer to living MY life. It’s just that right now, it feels . . . . well, like I’m in limbo/a vacuum, and although I have ‘been here’ before, I’ve never actually liked this state and I used to usually try to suppress/override/ignore it – back then, I didn’t know the afloat-and-drifting sensation is really a form of information about myself, I’d always ‘believed’ that this vaccum-space was a mood and nothing worth paying attention to.
I’m getting an ‘EASE UP, be gentle, dammit’ message as I write. And a ‘wallow merrily in the vaccum and see what happens’ whisper is filling my space. Luxuriating has always been fraught with ‘don’t’ connections in the past; allowing myself to enjoy the vastness of the vacuum is an intellectual oxymoron for me right, and I know I’m going to try it anyway, this afternoon, and see how my body likes it – to hell with what my culturally conditioned self might murmur.
Sarah’s recent phrase leaps to mind: " i am ready for more...... i am aware being for me...is simply energy moving in and out of me and from others to others." The sentence has stuck with me since I read it because it resonated so strongly with how I’ve been living/feeling recently – certainly since the EF:EW experience a month ago when the penny really dropped – kerplunk – and I realized that I fully stand in the New Paradigm. And this last month, it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster as others who live in the ‘old paradigm’ triggered habitual responses from me which no longer felt/were authentic, and that prompted me to wake up again and to choose/speak from my newly recognized space.
Today, it’s as if my body, especially the area around my 6th and 7th chakras, is giving me invitations to really assimilate more layers of this awareness, and to get in tune with this more deeply, more completely; maybe my actual cells are still reconfiguring themselves. It’s as if I’m creating a vacuum around myself to protect me from bumping up against something today – as if I’m in fact helping myself, supporting myself until I’m ready to move, choose, put one foot down in front of the other again. Sounds gentle to me . . . I’ll accept it gratefully – and see it as wonderful and wise, not uncomfortable and disorienting.
I can already feel that my feet are almost ready to touch ground again – I feel quite different from the Chagall-like floating figure I was when I started writing this.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Doing C
I’m not sure if was last June, I am sure it was at Oceanstone and I can visualize the Great Room, me sitting beside the fire and Louise opposite me. I think I even gasped as Louise made the clear point: ”If you want to get x, and it takes a+b+c but you’re only willing to do a+b, you'll never ever get x, you’ll get something else; and it’s your choice.”
It made a huge impression on me then, and I thought I’d ‘got it’ then, too. This week, though, I’ve had several invitations to wake up and realize that, on a regular basis, I’m not doing c. Almost as if the way I move through the world is Not Doing C. And once again, I’m saying NO MORE to myself, and by blogging it and sending my intention out into the univers, I’m planning on making it happen.
What’s not doing c? Lots of things, this week.
- I didn’t change what I’m doing even though I was very aware as I did it that what I was doing was not working. I’ll admit that I didn’t actually know how to do it differently, but more importantly, I realize now that I didn’t let myself explore other options, didn’t take a risk (which wasn’t really a risk as the situation was a harmless painting exercise). But, once I woke up to what was happening, I got curious, and then somewhat horrified, about the ‘where else’ issue (i.e where else in my life do I fall into this pattern).
- I drew my line in the sand far to close too where I was standing. I kept myself small and puny because I planted my spear (a good thing) allowing only for a small change. I ‘took into account’ what I felt my environment could tolerate, I accepted to aim for what would be ‘a good beginning’ instead of taking what I really wanted to achieve as my starting line and accepting nothing less. In this instance, I kept myself at effect, and possibly underestimated the situation. At any rate, what I got was what I’d aimed for, and I know that what I wanted (and still want) was/is more than that. Again, I wasn’t willing to risk ‘asking for’ more; I didn’t state my full truth – to myself first of all, or when I set my spear.
- I chose to fall into a well-honed strategy of responding to a plea for help without taking my own needs/wishes/goal into consideration. The opportunity to give-when-asked triggered an instant yes reponse from me; I didn’t check in first with my body, or my intellect for that matter. My culturally conditioned self just leapt into action and I stopped doing what was actually something I had consciously chosen, and what was nourishing and pleasant. I DID help, that’s probably true; but I did not stand up for myself and my needs. I didn’t want to seem selfish, unhelpful – my old rules grabbed me by the throat again and I surrendered my own voice to them. I’m aware that if I hadn’t ‘helped’ in this instance, the dynamic of the underlying situation would have changed as I wouldn’t have perpetuated the existing pattern; THAT, in fact, would have been more helpful. And it’s not too late, now that I’ve remembered again who I am, and that I can change things by doing things differently.
So all this begs the question: what IS c?
Some of what c is, of course, depends on what x is. But without trying to be too cute or clever about this, let’s say that x ranges from an immediate outcome to the huge vast enlivening concept of living ‘fully’ - as the godforce that now know I am.
In all cases, c includes:
- choosing myself, knowing I matter; remembering that It’s My Life.
- recognizing what is true and important for me; saying YES and NO;
- asking/demanding/seeking/dreaming for BIG - not for small and puny, not for what would be just easily manageable and bare bones acceptable; it’s mine to choose; it’s my choice;
- living it, doing it, not just thinking about it nor only blogging about it;
- trusting myself, even if I don’t have clue what ‘doing it differently’ or change might actually be/entail; trusting that as I enter the unknown, the path/way will become visible/clear – until it changes as a result of where I’ve just gone and I continue the exploration further – again and again.
And I’m sure I’ll be adding to the list.
For now, I’m going to go forward doing c - as a combination of courage, choices, curiosity – and allowing. (Does anyone have a c-word for that?). And x is anything and everything I want it to be. And it doesn't have to be difficult; even the math is easy.
And right now, x means going for a post-snowstorm walk - the sun has come out, the air will be wonderful; I feel like it – and who knows where I’ll go. But if I don’t get off this sofa and go now - that could be the c in this equation, it’ll be another day inside for me (or y) not x. it's that simple. It's c, see?
It made a huge impression on me then, and I thought I’d ‘got it’ then, too. This week, though, I’ve had several invitations to wake up and realize that, on a regular basis, I’m not doing c. Almost as if the way I move through the world is Not Doing C. And once again, I’m saying NO MORE to myself, and by blogging it and sending my intention out into the univers, I’m planning on making it happen.
What’s not doing c? Lots of things, this week.
- I didn’t change what I’m doing even though I was very aware as I did it that what I was doing was not working. I’ll admit that I didn’t actually know how to do it differently, but more importantly, I realize now that I didn’t let myself explore other options, didn’t take a risk (which wasn’t really a risk as the situation was a harmless painting exercise). But, once I woke up to what was happening, I got curious, and then somewhat horrified, about the ‘where else’ issue (i.e where else in my life do I fall into this pattern).
- I drew my line in the sand far to close too where I was standing. I kept myself small and puny because I planted my spear (a good thing) allowing only for a small change. I ‘took into account’ what I felt my environment could tolerate, I accepted to aim for what would be ‘a good beginning’ instead of taking what I really wanted to achieve as my starting line and accepting nothing less. In this instance, I kept myself at effect, and possibly underestimated the situation. At any rate, what I got was what I’d aimed for, and I know that what I wanted (and still want) was/is more than that. Again, I wasn’t willing to risk ‘asking for’ more; I didn’t state my full truth – to myself first of all, or when I set my spear.
- I chose to fall into a well-honed strategy of responding to a plea for help without taking my own needs/wishes/goal into consideration. The opportunity to give-when-asked triggered an instant yes reponse from me; I didn’t check in first with my body, or my intellect for that matter. My culturally conditioned self just leapt into action and I stopped doing what was actually something I had consciously chosen, and what was nourishing and pleasant. I DID help, that’s probably true; but I did not stand up for myself and my needs. I didn’t want to seem selfish, unhelpful – my old rules grabbed me by the throat again and I surrendered my own voice to them. I’m aware that if I hadn’t ‘helped’ in this instance, the dynamic of the underlying situation would have changed as I wouldn’t have perpetuated the existing pattern; THAT, in fact, would have been more helpful. And it’s not too late, now that I’ve remembered again who I am, and that I can change things by doing things differently.
So all this begs the question: what IS c?
Some of what c is, of course, depends on what x is. But without trying to be too cute or clever about this, let’s say that x ranges from an immediate outcome to the huge vast enlivening concept of living ‘fully’ - as the godforce that now know I am.
In all cases, c includes:
- choosing myself, knowing I matter; remembering that It’s My Life.
- recognizing what is true and important for me; saying YES and NO;
- asking/demanding/seeking/dreaming for BIG - not for small and puny, not for what would be just easily manageable and bare bones acceptable; it’s mine to choose; it’s my choice;
- living it, doing it, not just thinking about it nor only blogging about it;
- trusting myself, even if I don’t have clue what ‘doing it differently’ or change might actually be/entail; trusting that as I enter the unknown, the path/way will become visible/clear – until it changes as a result of where I’ve just gone and I continue the exploration further – again and again.
And I’m sure I’ll be adding to the list.
For now, I’m going to go forward doing c - as a combination of courage, choices, curiosity – and allowing. (Does anyone have a c-word for that?). And x is anything and everything I want it to be. And it doesn't have to be difficult; even the math is easy.
And right now, x means going for a post-snowstorm walk - the sun has come out, the air will be wonderful; I feel like it – and who knows where I’ll go. But if I don’t get off this sofa and go now - that could be the c in this equation, it’ll be another day inside for me (or y) not x. it's that simple. It's c, see?
Monday, March 3, 2008
Feedback - and thoughts about Mishmash as a Process
When I sat down to write "Feedback" for Louise yesterday, the piece below rolled off my fingertips. As I read it now, it seems pretty 'formal' and stilted as it started out - as if it was me writing in a way/style that was expected of me - after all, it's Feedback - hence there are rules (in my old world, at least) and I slipped right into producing what's expected of me! Except that as the piece progressed, the style and tone show that I seemed to relax into it - slightly, and it became a bit more spontaneous - inspite of still keeping the project-at-hand in mind. Is that a metaphor for how I move through my world, these days? Probably. So the result, as I read it this morning, seems to me to be a mishmash of feedback/sales pitch for potential entrepreneurial women retreat-goers, a declaration - as much for the benefit of readers as for me to hear myself decloak another time, and, by now, also a post for my blogsite. And mishmash is also a pretty accurate metaphor for my confused, enthusiastic, exploring and 'allowing myself' modus vivendi these days. All good! No complaints! Yippeeee!
Leading up to the Emerging Futures:Entrepreneurial Women retreat, I wondered what the 4 days would bring, feeling certain that it would be big, and good, and important; I was ‘open’ to whatever the experience might be for me. It’s not the first program that I’ve attended, and I’m very familiar with the body of knowledge that is the basis for the discussions; and each time I register, it’s with anticipation of personal, discovery and growth, and expecting at least to leave with a rekindled sense of myself, of wonderment, joy and gratitude. After this retreat, I felt all of those AND renewed confidence in myself as entrepreneurial woman, and more certain of the unlimited possibilities for me that lie in the Emerging Future ‘process’.
Different from the other women who attended this retreat because I’m not ‘an entrepreneur’ with a business of my own, I felt I was in the right place nonetheless, knowing that I’m an entrepreneurial woman: innovative, creative; strong; willing to think outside the box; taking responsibility for the choices I make. In all of the discussions, I was interested, challenged, stimulated, engaged; and often moved to tears or gasps of aha, yes! or bursts of no more of that for me, that’s sure! The ‘that’ was usually a pattern of thought, a habituated response, or a limiting belief that still lingers from my past. In the group I felt totally included, unselfconscious, safe, and willing to express an unedited version of whatever came into my mind.
My biggest ‘take home’ is easy to describe for those familiar with the Wel-Systems perspective: I know now that I stand firmly in space of the Wel-System paradigm. I now know in my body and not just through my intellect that WHO I am is energy and WHAT I am is a quantum biological device, and that my Emerging Future lies in allowing the connection from the universal field to enter and flow through my body, so that I am an expression in this world of that signal. For readers unfamiliar with what this seemingly wild-and-wooly stuff means, read the book(s)! It’s not so weird, in fact; it’s science. (Louise Lebrun’s Fully Alive would be a starting point.) This retreat was a breakthough for me in that, over the last few years, I learned about this worldview, accepted the science and concepts, but had not felt myself fully living within, or from, the new paradigm. During the EF:EW retreat, I recognized that I fully embrace this new worldview now, in body and in mind. It has been a huge step for me, I realize now as I look back, and I obviously needed some time to move from my previous, well-entrenched and commonly accepted perspective. And the time was right for me, last week, to become aware just how far I’ve traveled, and where I now stand. And over the four days, with the support of five other wonderful women, it was a perfect opportunity to move ‘forward’ from this new place, exploring what might emerge as I see the world from a different perspective. Understatement: It was pretty amazing.
Now, one week later, I am both very aware of the immense leap I have taken and very excited about what lies ahead. Until now, I had only disclosed small parts of my changing beliefs and my ‘journey’ to others. Trying to explain more specifically where I now stand to my family, in particular, has been challenging, especially as an ‘Emerging Future’ includes/requires that I do not/can not know what is ahead for me and that I allow my body – not my intellect, to lead me. These are not easy concepts for others to accept; even if the intensity of my declaration that this is how I want to live is tangible, this approach, as a way of living, sounds awfully unstructured and open-ended – because it is. And frankly, I am still learning how to live this way. It requires that I stay awake to the lure of living from my head, and that I avoid falling into the well-honed ‘routine’ of basing decisions and actions on past experiences. and habits. I am learning to ‘be led’ by my intuition, to do what feels right to me, not what is/has been expected of me. It entails choosing, constantly; when I don’t, I notice soon enough that I have defaulted back into habituated responses that no longer are appropriate for the job at hand: living my life fully, engaging the entrepreneurial woman in me for a more enlivened, inspiring and enriched life; one that, with my energetic expression, touches others and allows them to feel/know their own spirit more intensely.
When there’s another EF:EW retreat, I’m likely to sign up for it; the experience of getting together in a small group with other Wel-Systems women for deep, broad, lively and wonderful conversations is one I will seek out often. Learning from each other and exploring with each other is an accelerated way to experience the magnificence of this world - and of myself. Goodness! if I still stood in my ‘old’ worldview, I’d never have written those last three words. As I said earlier, in my ‘Emerging Future’ journey, I don’t know what’s ahead . . . and the 60yearold godforce/spirit that I am obviously has many surprises up my sleeve for me; I just have to let me do my magic!
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Choosing
I sat down thinking !blog! and now I don’t know what to write. All week, since returning from an amazing four days in an Entrepreneurial Women:Emerging Futures retreat, blog-bits have come to mind, but those insights/whirrings/thoughts are somewhere deep in my cells now, not on the tip of my tongue or fingertips. I know the EW:EF experience is still settling in me; my body is telling me that with various muscular and nervous sensations, waves of tears, and often sudden moments of fuzziness/fatigue or almost scary aliveness. I feel I am in a different space now, very different from even last week just before the retreat, and as wonderful as that is, it’s taking some getting used to. Getting used to not getting used to anything as my life’s in constant flow; getting used to being in control of not being in control of anything - except my willingness and ability to choose where/how to put my left foot down once the right instep has started to lift up off the ground. And then to choose again as the lay of the land changes from my new position.
Apropos choice, “if I had to choose one” . . . the paradigm discussions were the best part of the week for me. The enormity of waking up to how enormous the new umbrella of the Wel-Systems paradigm that I’m standing under is, was . . . . words to describe it fail me.* I already knew that I’d crossed the dotted line to the ‘new’ worldview before last week’s discussions, but now I’m more aware of just what a massive shift that means for me. I was kidding myself about the leap, hoping, I suppose, it was smaller and therefore ‘safer’ – both for me and those around me who might not be tempted/willing to leap with me. The more I understand it, and look back to ‘where I was’, the implications of not-leaping seem clearer too. It was A Choice and it took courage – I realize with hindsight.
Actually, maybe I’m missing the point here. Maybe the courageous choice wasn’t to leap, maybe it was to give myself permission to leap. I don’t think I knew I was choosing a new paradigm, I think I was letting myself be open to new information and to see where that led me. And with a few ups and downs in the ‘giving myself permission department’ I’ll admit, and a whole lot of reading because I was fascinated and increasingly convinced by the science and the implications, this new worldview started to feel right. And voilà, when I look back, I see that I’ve leapt!
Now, the terrain on this new side emerges before me, under me, with me. It’s a funny feeling, and I’m getting used to not being used to it, and realizing that as long as I welcome the movement and the fluidity, I’ll be on solid footing in an emerging futures world. Confusing eh? Alive, eh? Big, eh?
• For a really alive and great description of the retreat the impact it had on all of us, see Louise’s blog: Instructions for opening your eyes, Feb, 25 at http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com and Birth By Fire, Feb. 25 at http://www.louiselebrun.com/WomenGathering. For more on the Wel-Systems paradigm, see: http://www.WEL-Systems.com.
. . . . . . . . .
That’s what I wrote last night, but didn’t post because I needed to add the links to Louise’s sites and was too tired by then to do the nitty-gritty.
And here it is, a new day with snow falling gently and as always, things look different in daylight. The 60yearoldgodforce that I am today, choosing to . . . stick with the courageous, not knowing, standing in the new paradigm theme.
Marie-Jose shared this image that Louise gave her with me this morning, and it’s been rumbling and tossing in me for the last half hour: ". . . it is so easy for us to get caught up in the habits of thought of others, just allowing ourselves to be drawn along like a leaf in a strong current. It is also as if when the moment comes that we notice that we are not a leaf and are no longer willing to live like a leaf, we are startled to make that discovery. We also struggle as the 'leaves' we love continue to believe themselves to be that leaf, not only choosing to just mosey along but also clamoring for us to get back in the water!"
As the image worked through/within me, I saw this leaf on top of the water, scrambling a bit frantically to swim against the current. And then the fact hit me – WRONG! I’m not a leaf! – and I’d been forgetting that sometimes this week EVEN tho' the EW:EF experience was so recent. After the retreat, I knew so well that I’m a 60yearoldGodforce (read energetic beep if the god part of what I’m calling myself is too much for this go’round); how could I be able to forget that so easily? I am, because forgetting it can be so comfy, because when I'm 'just me' I return to familiar terrain, and it's seemingly 'safe', it's a habit. So, much as the strong pulls I’ve been feeling at home, inviting me to revisit and enjoy my past have been very unwelcome, difficult to withstand, and cause for lots of heated moments of discussion, I know they are giving me a chance to recognize again WHO and WHAT I am now, and where I stand in the new paradigm; they give me another chance to state this out loud and to insist out loud that delving into memories and letters/artifacts collected over that last fifty years is neither useful nor does it feel good in my body. And yet, having stated that, nonetheless 'old' feelings of guilt and disloyalty and the uncomfortable position for me of being the person who's not doing what's requested of me surge up in me. Mostly, they are quickly sideswiped again by a 'knowing' that these are habituated 'old' culturally conditioned thoughts and are not relevant or useful for me, now, but not before they've wreaked some havoc to my wellbeing. At the risk of sounding repetitious:, this post-retreat week has been a topsyturvy time - with many opportunities to choose to stand in the new paradigm.
My husband has been bearing the torch as the person who’s very keen to look through old letters and revisit old memories this week, and he’s been bearing the brunt of my rejection of this activity/exploration. I haven’t always found the words (or tone) to explain my stance well, and he’s been searching to understand – in a way, just like the leafy image clamouring for (me) to get back into the water. This noon, not knowing any more where to turn as he sensed my intention to stay in my body and not to ‘work it through’ with him intellectually any longer, he reread Louise’s ‘profile’ piece about Emerging Futures,; that helped him a lot. (http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com) Thanks Louise, for stating so clearly what is so difficult to describe and for capturing the ‘problem’ about just that: it IS unclear, undefined and emerging and especially because of letting go of looking to the past – for patterns, habits and for explanations. We’re all helped by what you write.
. . . .
So here I am, meandering more gently now this afternoon, not floating as a leaf in the current, and still thinking about today's various images and metaphors. It’s still snowing outside and I’ve been writing this in bits and pieces over the last hours – the blog’s been emerging as my day has been emerging. This morning seems a long time ago, the leafy state I was letting myself return to feels ‘gone’, the hefty-feeling discussions at lunch seemed to have been just what I/we needed, and what is right now . . . is me, a 60yearoldgodforce writing about what’s been moving inside me today. I’ll be able to see where standing in the present is taking me as it happens, not before by planning it, and not afterwards by revisiting it, but by letting it emerge. Living this way still feels pretty unfamiliar, certainly unclear, and wide open and excellent in THIS moment.
I've managed to write myself 'full circle'! I started out last evening feeling confused, courageous, and pretty good, and here I am again! Will I get used to this? I get to choose, that's sure.
Apropos choice, “if I had to choose one” . . . the paradigm discussions were the best part of the week for me. The enormity of waking up to how enormous the new umbrella of the Wel-Systems paradigm that I’m standing under is, was . . . . words to describe it fail me.* I already knew that I’d crossed the dotted line to the ‘new’ worldview before last week’s discussions, but now I’m more aware of just what a massive shift that means for me. I was kidding myself about the leap, hoping, I suppose, it was smaller and therefore ‘safer’ – both for me and those around me who might not be tempted/willing to leap with me. The more I understand it, and look back to ‘where I was’, the implications of not-leaping seem clearer too. It was A Choice and it took courage – I realize with hindsight.
Actually, maybe I’m missing the point here. Maybe the courageous choice wasn’t to leap, maybe it was to give myself permission to leap. I don’t think I knew I was choosing a new paradigm, I think I was letting myself be open to new information and to see where that led me. And with a few ups and downs in the ‘giving myself permission department’ I’ll admit, and a whole lot of reading because I was fascinated and increasingly convinced by the science and the implications, this new worldview started to feel right. And voilà, when I look back, I see that I’ve leapt!
Now, the terrain on this new side emerges before me, under me, with me. It’s a funny feeling, and I’m getting used to not being used to it, and realizing that as long as I welcome the movement and the fluidity, I’ll be on solid footing in an emerging futures world. Confusing eh? Alive, eh? Big, eh?
• For a really alive and great description of the retreat the impact it had on all of us, see Louise’s blog: Instructions for opening your eyes, Feb, 25 at http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com and Birth By Fire, Feb. 25 at http://www.louiselebrun.com/WomenGathering. For more on the Wel-Systems paradigm, see: http://www.WEL-Systems.com.
. . . . . . . . .
That’s what I wrote last night, but didn’t post because I needed to add the links to Louise’s sites and was too tired by then to do the nitty-gritty.
And here it is, a new day with snow falling gently and as always, things look different in daylight. The 60yearoldgodforce that I am today, choosing to . . . stick with the courageous, not knowing, standing in the new paradigm theme.
Marie-Jose shared this image that Louise gave her with me this morning, and it’s been rumbling and tossing in me for the last half hour: ". . . it is so easy for us to get caught up in the habits of thought of others, just allowing ourselves to be drawn along like a leaf in a strong current. It is also as if when the moment comes that we notice that we are not a leaf and are no longer willing to live like a leaf, we are startled to make that discovery. We also struggle as the 'leaves' we love continue to believe themselves to be that leaf, not only choosing to just mosey along but also clamoring for us to get back in the water!"
As the image worked through/within me, I saw this leaf on top of the water, scrambling a bit frantically to swim against the current. And then the fact hit me – WRONG! I’m not a leaf! – and I’d been forgetting that sometimes this week EVEN tho' the EW:EF experience was so recent. After the retreat, I knew so well that I’m a 60yearoldGodforce (read energetic beep if the god part of what I’m calling myself is too much for this go’round); how could I be able to forget that so easily? I am, because forgetting it can be so comfy, because when I'm 'just me' I return to familiar terrain, and it's seemingly 'safe', it's a habit. So, much as the strong pulls I’ve been feeling at home, inviting me to revisit and enjoy my past have been very unwelcome, difficult to withstand, and cause for lots of heated moments of discussion, I know they are giving me a chance to recognize again WHO and WHAT I am now, and where I stand in the new paradigm; they give me another chance to state this out loud and to insist out loud that delving into memories and letters/artifacts collected over that last fifty years is neither useful nor does it feel good in my body. And yet, having stated that, nonetheless 'old' feelings of guilt and disloyalty and the uncomfortable position for me of being the person who's not doing what's requested of me surge up in me. Mostly, they are quickly sideswiped again by a 'knowing' that these are habituated 'old' culturally conditioned thoughts and are not relevant or useful for me, now, but not before they've wreaked some havoc to my wellbeing. At the risk of sounding repetitious:, this post-retreat week has been a topsyturvy time - with many opportunities to choose to stand in the new paradigm.
My husband has been bearing the torch as the person who’s very keen to look through old letters and revisit old memories this week, and he’s been bearing the brunt of my rejection of this activity/exploration. I haven’t always found the words (or tone) to explain my stance well, and he’s been searching to understand – in a way, just like the leafy image clamouring for (me) to get back into the water. This noon, not knowing any more where to turn as he sensed my intention to stay in my body and not to ‘work it through’ with him intellectually any longer, he reread Louise’s ‘profile’ piece about Emerging Futures,; that helped him a lot. (http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com) Thanks Louise, for stating so clearly what is so difficult to describe and for capturing the ‘problem’ about just that: it IS unclear, undefined and emerging and especially because of letting go of looking to the past – for patterns, habits and for explanations. We’re all helped by what you write.
. . . .
So here I am, meandering more gently now this afternoon, not floating as a leaf in the current, and still thinking about today's various images and metaphors. It’s still snowing outside and I’ve been writing this in bits and pieces over the last hours – the blog’s been emerging as my day has been emerging. This morning seems a long time ago, the leafy state I was letting myself return to feels ‘gone’, the hefty-feeling discussions at lunch seemed to have been just what I/we needed, and what is right now . . . is me, a 60yearoldgodforce writing about what’s been moving inside me today. I’ll be able to see where standing in the present is taking me as it happens, not before by planning it, and not afterwards by revisiting it, but by letting it emerge. Living this way still feels pretty unfamiliar, certainly unclear, and wide open and excellent in THIS moment.
I've managed to write myself 'full circle'! I started out last evening feeling confused, courageous, and pretty good, and here I am again! Will I get used to this? I get to choose, that's sure.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Today's path. Seeing.
A different path, today, and some of yesterday's metaphors are still alive and well: protective guards and boundaries, an openended way ahead, important (for the picture) shadows. 
What strikes me in this photo is that the boundary (railing on the right), while seemingly solid and straightforward, when it's reflected on the pathway, seems flexible and malleable, and how it shows up the paths' undulating levels. The path, without those shadows, from my perspective holding the camera that day, seemed pretty flat and steady until I woke up and realised how differentiated and interesting the surface really was/is.
When I took the photo - with some excitement, I'll admit, those visual effects were all I was noticing. Not the fact that I was including some space on the other side of the railing in my composition; not the really rigid wall-of-guardrail on the left that tolerates no wavering or alternatives; certainly not the metaphors I'm playing with now. I find it wonderful to notice now as I really look at my photo, that even the London cityscape designers saw the importance of 'my path' and highlighted it in different brickwork to separate it visually from the red-brick laneway; as if they know too that it's 'merely' a case of me putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where that takes me.
This morning, for instance, I found myself sketching - for the first time in my life, out of the blue as it were except that last week I'd bought myself a how-to-draw (for beginners) book. I had noticed last week in my beginners' painting class that I don't know how to really see what I'm looking at (in order to paint it); I don't even know where to start, except slowly and carefully. So in addition to realising that that bit of wisdom was such a fractal of what goes on in my life outside the painting classroom where I have typically seen what I’ve expected to see – and not necessarily seen what’s actually there and happening, I’m resolved to get better at seeing as clearly/accurately/truthfully as possibly – in all aspects of my life. And external assistance seemed like a good place to start as I ‘don’t have all day’ to get the basics of SEEING in order to draw/paint under my belt! Meanwhile I’m more aware of actually seeing, not projecting, what’s going on around me, and for that matter, inside of me. All good, no?
In putting some of the how-to hints into practice, I was intrigued to see an acceptable likeness of my azalea-in-a-pot appear on my page - all because I was paying attention to the important lines, angles and sizes and taking the time to calmly place my pencil on the page and pull it firmly in a direction that seemed to be calling it. It’s fun to learn a new skill, exciting to explore another thing that I didn’t know I didn’t know.
At this point, I still prefer my photos to my “paintings’ such as they are, but that’s unimportant . .. . It’s not a finite game., after all, is it? The possibilities are unlimited as long as I stay on the playing field. And there’s something about actually physically moving the lead, or the paint, across the page – the sound, smell, wetness/dryness, and seeing where that takes the ‘work’ - that is more satisfying for me right now than clicking a metal button attached to a black box with a big black eye followed by sitting in front of a computer screen adjusting the colours by clicking on the keyboard. The once-removed-ness of digital photography just doesn’t cut it right now; I’m exploring getting my fingers dirty and really enjoying the surprises I create, the boundaries I choose, the protective walls I (still) like knowing exist, and of course, the path.
What strikes me in this photo is that the boundary (railing on the right), while seemingly solid and straightforward, when it's reflected on the pathway, seems flexible and malleable, and how it shows up the paths' undulating levels. The path, without those shadows, from my perspective holding the camera that day, seemed pretty flat and steady until I woke up and realised how differentiated and interesting the surface really was/is.
When I took the photo - with some excitement, I'll admit, those visual effects were all I was noticing. Not the fact that I was including some space on the other side of the railing in my composition; not the really rigid wall-of-guardrail on the left that tolerates no wavering or alternatives; certainly not the metaphors I'm playing with now. I find it wonderful to notice now as I really look at my photo, that even the London cityscape designers saw the importance of 'my path' and highlighted it in different brickwork to separate it visually from the red-brick laneway; as if they know too that it's 'merely' a case of me putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where that takes me.
This morning, for instance, I found myself sketching - for the first time in my life, out of the blue as it were except that last week I'd bought myself a how-to-draw (for beginners) book. I had noticed last week in my beginners' painting class that I don't know how to really see what I'm looking at (in order to paint it); I don't even know where to start, except slowly and carefully. So in addition to realising that that bit of wisdom was such a fractal of what goes on in my life outside the painting classroom where I have typically seen what I’ve expected to see – and not necessarily seen what’s actually there and happening, I’m resolved to get better at seeing as clearly/accurately/truthfully as possibly – in all aspects of my life. And external assistance seemed like a good place to start as I ‘don’t have all day’ to get the basics of SEEING in order to draw/paint under my belt! Meanwhile I’m more aware of actually seeing, not projecting, what’s going on around me, and for that matter, inside of me. All good, no?
In putting some of the how-to hints into practice, I was intrigued to see an acceptable likeness of my azalea-in-a-pot appear on my page - all because I was paying attention to the important lines, angles and sizes and taking the time to calmly place my pencil on the page and pull it firmly in a direction that seemed to be calling it. It’s fun to learn a new skill, exciting to explore another thing that I didn’t know I didn’t know.
At this point, I still prefer my photos to my “paintings’ such as they are, but that’s unimportant . .. . It’s not a finite game., after all, is it? The possibilities are unlimited as long as I stay on the playing field. And there’s something about actually physically moving the lead, or the paint, across the page – the sound, smell, wetness/dryness, and seeing where that takes the ‘work’ - that is more satisfying for me right now than clicking a metal button attached to a black box with a big black eye followed by sitting in front of a computer screen adjusting the colours by clicking on the keyboard. The once-removed-ness of digital photography just doesn’t cut it right now; I’m exploring getting my fingers dirty and really enjoying the surprises I create, the boundaries I choose, the protective walls I (still) like knowing exist, and of course, the path.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Possible ways of seeing things? Distortions? Myths?
Instead of zooming down the highway to a friend's funeral in Montreal, I'm HERE looking at the freezing rain fall and wondering about the invitation to NOT go to the funeral (extended by by the weather) i.e. the invitation to consider my shoulds and coulds and to mindfully choose what serves ME. Having agreed with my husband that NOT going was truly an option for us, and makes total sense today, we then started a lengthy discussion about how we'd celebrate (or not) our 40th wedding anniversary and my 60th birthday next November - and lots of the shoulds and coulds attached to that - ranging from losing touch with one's extended family if we don't include them, the anticipated void that could ensue if we didn't keep up contact. Amazing how we create (take?) opportunities for meaningful discussions at surprising moments.
Lots of the focus of the shoulds, ought tos and related fears were about S's beliefs and rules, but I realise that when I'm talking 'with him' it's me talking to myself too. We delved into standing alone without the prop of 'family',, whether our siblings are still part of who we believe ourselves to be or if it's an image of ourself that we're maintaining in order to flesh out a diminished view we have of ourselves. If there's a void when we don't have a family around us.
If/when I start using I instead of WE here . . . The difference in my position from S's on this is that I am realising that I've actually stopped propping myself up with identities of family member, sister or brother. At least MOST of the time (when I stay awake) I'm ME, still friendly with my siblings but as me, not as the sister of P. It's a one-on-one situation iin this position and it's very liberating . . . most of my shoulds have fallen away as a result, the remaining ones I keep as values (respect, empathy, compassion) that I embrace for ME regardless of whether it's my siblings, my friends - or people I don't really know. These values affect how I interact with them and it's my choice to let them guide me. I think the difference is a stronger awareness of ME and of my boundaries, now; in the 'family' situation, and if I'm honest, with friends too, I had lost them and was too willing to mesh with the group or the other (believing it necessary for acceptance, love etc.), In fact, I was losing myself, becoming invisible. As I write, it's clear to me that I'm saying that these are values for me when dealing with others . . . What about me and ME? do I have respect, compassion for myself? Not enough! I can quickly lose myself in reverting back to old shoulds and ought tos; in fact propping myself up with rules.
I know I can 'risk' dropping them, and seeing what emerges . . . when I do it, it works! It's wonderful, liberating, and allows expansion and exploration.
The paradoxes! Such as standing alone and not being alone, stronger boundaries that create bigger spaces: the void after exploding the myth of Family as a prop and realising it was a myth and thus there's no new void; boundaries and edges.
Over the last few days, I've been focussing on and meaning to write down many thoughts that occur when I see this photo I took in London in January.
Until right now, I'd been seeing the path; thinking about 'paths' and going forward and speed and movement and lots more; and the importance of the protective railing in this picture for the picture - and of course the swoops in the stones that change/distort the guardrail; and the importance (for me) of protective guards. And I've been getting really curious about THAT, and about the fact that I just clicked on this shot when I saw it and how amazing my higherSelf is to know that I'd find so much meat on the bones of this image. Today I realise that the photo can also open the door to further musing about boundaries. When are guardrails protecting me from a (perceived) danger, or hemming me in, or allowing me to walk with more certainty as I have more awareness of where I want to be (what my boundaries are)? And I thought I'd been taking numerous photos of pathways (it was out of my awareness that I'd been taking so many on that theme until I review my image library, recently) because I delight in the visual image I see, in the unendingness of the path itself, and in the geometry of the composition, and in the distortion or complications that shadows often create! Was I also inviting myself to see the edges of the paths too, and the clear definition route coupled with the unspecifity of the destination? Good 'work', Lucy! - that just spilled off the fingers of someone (ME) who thinks she doesn't know how to play! In truth, that work I'm patting my back for was actually huge fun and I've just caught in the act of merrily showing myself another one of my myths: that 'playing isn't me'? And I've believed it. This is fodder for another blog, I can feel it.
Lots of the focus of the shoulds, ought tos and related fears were about S's beliefs and rules, but I realise that when I'm talking 'with him' it's me talking to myself too. We delved into standing alone without the prop of 'family',, whether our siblings are still part of who we believe ourselves to be or if it's an image of ourself that we're maintaining in order to flesh out a diminished view we have of ourselves. If there's a void when we don't have a family around us.
If/when I start using I instead of WE here . . . The difference in my position from S's on this is that I am realising that I've actually stopped propping myself up with identities of family member, sister or brother. At least MOST of the time (when I stay awake) I'm ME, still friendly with my siblings but as me, not as the sister of P. It's a one-on-one situation iin this position and it's very liberating . . . most of my shoulds have fallen away as a result, the remaining ones I keep as values (respect, empathy, compassion) that I embrace for ME regardless of whether it's my siblings, my friends - or people I don't really know. These values affect how I interact with them and it's my choice to let them guide me. I think the difference is a stronger awareness of ME and of my boundaries, now; in the 'family' situation, and if I'm honest, with friends too, I had lost them and was too willing to mesh with the group or the other (believing it necessary for acceptance, love etc.), In fact, I was losing myself, becoming invisible. As I write, it's clear to me that I'm saying that these are values for me when dealing with others . . . What about me and ME? do I have respect, compassion for myself? Not enough! I can quickly lose myself in reverting back to old shoulds and ought tos; in fact propping myself up with rules.
I know I can 'risk' dropping them, and seeing what emerges . . . when I do it, it works! It's wonderful, liberating, and allows expansion and exploration.
The paradoxes! Such as standing alone and not being alone, stronger boundaries that create bigger spaces: the void after exploding the myth of Family as a prop and realising it was a myth and thus there's no new void; boundaries and edges.
Over the last few days, I've been focussing on and meaning to write down many thoughts that occur when I see this photo I took in London in January.
Until right now, I'd been seeing the path; thinking about 'paths' and going forward and speed and movement and lots more; and the importance of the protective railing in this picture for the picture - and of course the swoops in the stones that change/distort the guardrail; and the importance (for me) of protective guards. And I've been getting really curious about THAT, and about the fact that I just clicked on this shot when I saw it and how amazing my higherSelf is to know that I'd find so much meat on the bones of this image. Today I realise that the photo can also open the door to further musing about boundaries. When are guardrails protecting me from a (perceived) danger, or hemming me in, or allowing me to walk with more certainty as I have more awareness of where I want to be (what my boundaries are)? And I thought I'd been taking numerous photos of pathways (it was out of my awareness that I'd been taking so many on that theme until I review my image library, recently) because I delight in the visual image I see, in the unendingness of the path itself, and in the geometry of the composition, and in the distortion or complications that shadows often create! Was I also inviting myself to see the edges of the paths too, and the clear definition route coupled with the unspecifity of the destination? Good 'work', Lucy! - that just spilled off the fingers of someone (ME) who thinks she doesn't know how to play! In truth, that work I'm patting my back for was actually huge fun and I've just caught in the act of merrily showing myself another one of my myths: that 'playing isn't me'? And I've believed it. This is fodder for another blog, I can feel it.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Time Inbetween
A momentary lull in my day, and I’m drawn to writing, without any idea what. – As I wrote ‘lull’ I instantly wondered why I don’t consider lots more of my time ‘a lull”. By outward appearances, it must seem to many people that I have loads of lulls in my day/week. Who knows, and who cares.
What’s lull-like for ME in this moment; why is lots of my day not lullish? I think it’s a perception, a sense of enough space, an internal measurement of ‘enough time’, an unspecified moment or event between tasks, actions, events. It has an ‘unallocated’ nature that includes a sense of freedom and luxury for me. And it’s linked to guilt, I’m realizing as I write, because lulls are unproductive of course! And inefficient. And in my culturally conditioned beliefs, ‘wasting time’ is never a good thing. Is that why when I’m about to enter a lull, when I sense there might be short unallocated period of time ahead of me, now that I’m more aware of my body, I notice a sinking at the pit of my stomach, an unpleasant feeling? And quickly decide to DO SOMETHING, whether it’s urgent or not, even necessary or not, to fill that space, to relief the uncomfortable sensation in my body?
Stolen . . . leaps to mind. Lulls, if I let them happen, can also seem like down-time that I've taken illicitly, something that must to be hidden from others, or camouflaged in a cloak of usefulness of some sort. Sort of selfish time, time for myself - o no! time. Oouufff. I wasn't aware of this piece of cumbersome baggage I carry! No wonder I have a hard time goofing-off, luxuriating or playing . . . if I have to hide it, cover it up, pretend. Who's ever enjoyed being stealthily playful? Seems like an oxymoron. I realise now that probably somewhere inside I've been equating playtime with an extended lull.
The word choice just flashed into my mind – Of course! Lulls can be choice points – major or minor, but moments when I can actually mindfully choose where to put my next step – if I don’t just fill them quickly to distract myself from the chance to choose. They can be moments to savour the flavour of my life and to change the direction/flow if the current taste isn’t working for me. I can create lulls, allow lulls to happen; I don’t need to avoid lulls or to shorten the lull-time in between ‘tasks’ or events. I don’t need to kid myself that I’m worthy because I’m efficient, effective, I’m accomplishing something - because I’d learned that doing something is ‘good’ and that time not-getting-something-done is wasted/bad. What a crazy belief! Yes, time is precious, yes MY time as me on this planet will run out AND yes I can spend it in ways that I choose to, that serve me. I can even play. I can waste it if that’s what others call what I’m doing (i.e. not doing). I won’t feel uncomfortable/naughty anymore. I'm hoping this isn't just a 'resolution' in my head i.e. I hope this is moving through my cells as I write - something is! Another layer of the guilt vs. luxuriate/enjoy millefeuille that I am?
This lull has served me . . . I’ve learned a bit more about my limiting beliefs. It’s been a Good Lull. I’m going to bring ‘em on and indulge! Notice lulls and play with them, see them for what they are, not for what I’ve believed for so long that they represent and say about me.
What’s lull-like for ME in this moment; why is lots of my day not lullish? I think it’s a perception, a sense of enough space, an internal measurement of ‘enough time’, an unspecified moment or event between tasks, actions, events. It has an ‘unallocated’ nature that includes a sense of freedom and luxury for me. And it’s linked to guilt, I’m realizing as I write, because lulls are unproductive of course! And inefficient. And in my culturally conditioned beliefs, ‘wasting time’ is never a good thing. Is that why when I’m about to enter a lull, when I sense there might be short unallocated period of time ahead of me, now that I’m more aware of my body, I notice a sinking at the pit of my stomach, an unpleasant feeling? And quickly decide to DO SOMETHING, whether it’s urgent or not, even necessary or not, to fill that space, to relief the uncomfortable sensation in my body?
Stolen . . . leaps to mind. Lulls, if I let them happen, can also seem like down-time that I've taken illicitly, something that must to be hidden from others, or camouflaged in a cloak of usefulness of some sort. Sort of selfish time, time for myself - o no! time. Oouufff. I wasn't aware of this piece of cumbersome baggage I carry! No wonder I have a hard time goofing-off, luxuriating or playing . . . if I have to hide it, cover it up, pretend. Who's ever enjoyed being stealthily playful? Seems like an oxymoron. I realise now that probably somewhere inside I've been equating playtime with an extended lull.
The word choice just flashed into my mind – Of course! Lulls can be choice points – major or minor, but moments when I can actually mindfully choose where to put my next step – if I don’t just fill them quickly to distract myself from the chance to choose. They can be moments to savour the flavour of my life and to change the direction/flow if the current taste isn’t working for me. I can create lulls, allow lulls to happen; I don’t need to avoid lulls or to shorten the lull-time in between ‘tasks’ or events. I don’t need to kid myself that I’m worthy because I’m efficient, effective, I’m accomplishing something - because I’d learned that doing something is ‘good’ and that time not-getting-something-done is wasted/bad. What a crazy belief! Yes, time is precious, yes MY time as me on this planet will run out AND yes I can spend it in ways that I choose to, that serve me. I can even play. I can waste it if that’s what others call what I’m doing (i.e. not doing). I won’t feel uncomfortable/naughty anymore. I'm hoping this isn't just a 'resolution' in my head i.e. I hope this is moving through my cells as I write - something is! Another layer of the guilt vs. luxuriate/enjoy millefeuille that I am?
This lull has served me . . . I’ve learned a bit more about my limiting beliefs. It’s been a Good Lull. I’m going to bring ‘em on and indulge! Notice lulls and play with them, see them for what they are, not for what I’ve believed for so long that they represent and say about me.
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