Moving On, Moving Over

And in that spirit, here's my new blogsite: http://yippeeee2.blogspot.com/

Distrust

That did it! just that one word at the right moment.
I was bopping along after a wonderful morning so far - great walk through the early Sunday market streets, delicious coffee at home afterwards, 'nother walk with a close friend. I was getting ready to paint and on an impulse, I checked my emails. Following a link to what Louise posted today . I started reading with interest, reading with my head I suppose. Until I reached the second paragraph where she lists a few powerful words we've all heard millions of times: Rage. Outrage! Grief. Resentment. Distrust. Self-loathing. I didn't even make it to 'self-loathing'. The enormous wave of energy that surged through me as 'distrust' went from the screen to my body (not my head) was quite something; and it continued for a while, in waves. Thankfully I knew to let it move, to relax my body and keep breathing and I welcomed the power and strength of the sensations in my body as it went through the process of (long overdue!) awareness and acceptance and integration of the vibration of distrust.
For me, now that my body has somewhat stabilised, the nominalisation brings to mind lots of images of people and situations and stories that I knew, or more accurately sensed, at the time I couldn't trust, were not 'honest'. The charge in the word has dissipated although I sense there is lots of rage and outrage still in me that's related to the theme that I will be integrating as the day/week continues. I HOPE I will, for sure; I've been limiting myself by keeping them hidden 'n quiet (as I was taught to do - by people I trusted).
The first insight has been: no wonder trusting myself is often such a leap of faith when DIStrust has been so potent in my life. And no wonder I spent enormous effort to create a space for me that I could trust, feel safe in - which wasn't ever that because 'distrust' still drove my bus. Am I making sense? - seems circular, but I'll just keep writing. So limiting, so full of fear. oooof, rage and outrage rise in me at the realisation.
And the second insight is: no wonder I'm on an honesty whatever the cost path now, and have been for a while. The connection to 'distrust' wasn't clear to me before; what I sense now is that my Self however, did! And my urgent need for honesty that's grown to huge proportions over the last few years, my recent willingness to decloak to myself and others has probably been an out-of-awareness surge for survival of my innerself; I finally hear, accept and yes, even though it's been a rollercoaster - TRUST myself.
Third - and last for now as I sense I'm still shaking an this 'insight' is a fuzzy one: Louise's often repeated wise recommendation: "you hear what you hear, see what you see and know what you know" was truly greek to me 3 years ago. My layers and layers of a callous of distrust (I'm seeing today) blocked those words from REALLY touching me. And it certainly wasn't how I'd lived my life. I've not been aware of just how well I'd allowed myself to not see/hear/know - I guess because I wanted to trust but knew deep down inside I couldn't/shouldn't - what I was being told/shown didn't match with my reality.
I know my distrust goes far far back into my early youth; it feels really old - and I'm not going to investigate why or when; it's not relevant. I'm going to let whatever's rumbling today about all this keep moving, though; i don't think the waves are over. I probably shouldn't even be posting this blog - on the other hand, why hide my confusion and excitement any longer? I can trust them, and myself.

Stretching My Mind and Booking Out

I'm getting so good at 'booking out' when whatever's going on doesn't feel good (to ME) - who'd 'uv thought I could be so 'selfish' and impolite, eh? I'm still helpful at times, and still do most of the laundry and a large part of the groceries and 'adult-food' cooking 'round here, but when the conversations lag 'n drag, or the kiddie noise level gets even slightly way-too-much-for-me, I vamoose. Works for me!
I've been reading Brian Greene's 'The Fabric of the Cosmos'- which is amazing. The book is amazing, but it's also truly amazing that I'm reading it. Never having had any school physics is maybe in my favour as I don't have to UNlearn anything. But 'the universe' is far beyond anything I thought I was interested in! I'd never been interested in the night sky - it seemed to be about memorising names and getting interested in configurations that are recognisable and "i should know', neither of which did it for me (especially as I've been short-sighted since I was 12). Now THERE's a metaphor i want to get curious about (later!). The book has fascinated me because for the first time I'm reading a somewhat easy-to-understand explanation of currently accepted theories about, as the cover says: space, time and the texture of reality. The 'fundamental nature of the universe' is WAY bigger than my focus had ever wandered: my reading over the last 40 years, when not novels and the news, and the New Yorker, had been about current politics and economics, international development, sustainable cities and social history and geography. All here/now issues and Interesting Problems To Fix. And more recently I've been reading, mostly, books listed on or leading out of from to the Wel-Systems Institute suggestions that are more 'scientific' and are certainly getting me into areas I'd known NOTHING about : Bruce Lipton, Candace Pert, Lynne McTaggart, Ervin Laszlo. (See wel-systems.com) So I suppose the progression outward to 'the universe' has been a 'logical' expansion of my horizon, but i still find it amazing that I can hardly put Brian Greene's book down . . . And next on my pile is Michio Kaku and Stanislas Grof.
No wonder I'm booking out of as many boring and/or mundane conversations as I can, 'round here and r econsidering how 'ehlpful' I'm going to be. - There are SO MANY other ways to have a good time and stretch my imagination.

Peeling off another layer of an old story

I've neither blogged nor journaled since the EF:EW week in June.
All the options seemed too slow as the thoughts and insights whizzed past. But that's the trouble . .
they whizzed past and I have to trust that as each thought/awareness
passed through me it left a piece o' the popcorn IN me, and that when
I need it it'll be there for me.
Many of the 'insights' were useful at the time, certainly; some of the
thoughts were NO MORE OF THIS dammit - and I think those'll stick as
they came with fire. I'm still finding 'new' evidence my amazing and
long track-record of tolerating stuff that is way beyond tolerable; I
notice each time - and it happens frequently, I'm horrified to see,
that I'm left with: I really dunno what 'no more of this' will mean,
but i'll soon find out! It's invigourating . . . whereas the
'intolerable' was debilitating (I NOW realise). No wonder I had 'no
energy' and 3rd chakra symptoms for years!
Some of my whizzing thoughts were clearly results of the EF:EW
discussions: e.g. what I create IS and expression of me and I haven't
been making that connection. And now, when I do, it's pretty damn
amazing to actually see ME in the vase - instead of seeing 'just' a
lovely colourful cheerful satisfying bunch of flowers that I'd put on
the table.
Earlier today - which seems as far back as I can retrieve specific
content! - I had a huge surge of an old familiar feeling that I didn't
like. I got out of the house and after letting it move through me, I
sensed it had to do with waking up to the now-undeniable truth that
'I'm 'NOT fitting in', I am truly out of place here. I also sensed
that my strong dislike of the feeling in my body was because it came
from the deeper, very strong fear . . . if I don't fit in, then what?
Nothing Good in that for me! I'll be on the outside, looking in,
disliked, rejected, abandoned - or worse.
Eyes wide open, I looked out in front of me at the early morning view
and breathed the cool air and felt the warming sun on my body, and
welcomed the realisation: This is/I am ME, now, July 4 2008, and if I
don't fit in, so what. And it felt good. It felt great to know I'm me
and ok, in fact. It was clear that nothing about 'not fitting in' is
fearful; that's an old childhood-based fear in fact. And also, in
fact, Not Fitting In is more than ok, it's empowering. Fitting In
brings 'too small a box' to mind, or pretzeling myself, or cutting off
the parts of myself that are too big/ that don't fit. WHY would I ever
want to do that, eh? So to hell with what's going on here on with
who's here that I wanted to fit in with (PAST tense, notice!). ALL I'm
going to do is to make sure I'm creating an environment for me, a here
and now, where I enjoy being here being me.
At the EB level, that meant that I made myself a coffee and some
cereal, ate it alone on the porch, picked and arranged the last of the
peonies - making the house look the way I wanted it to right then,
set up my paints for the first time in a couple of weeks and splashed
and swirled reds and yellows over a page. Ultimately it's probably not
big enough here and now for me, but at least today's here and now is
MINE and that's a huge beginning. I sense it'll grow as I allow it to.
At a 'higher' level, I was clear/am clear that I'm in a different
space than this morning - and it feels much better - geesh, why can't
I write 'wonderful' or shout whoppeeee at you all out there . . . Surely I
can give myself permission to toot my own horn now? Yep, I can. Heh.
Block your ears, ladies! It feel #(*$&#$^*^^ great!
The penny is REALLY dropping again - even tho' I thought I'd got it
well enough (!) in Oceanstone - I was so well-conditioned to Trying To
Fit IN that I'd missed the point: that there's actually nothing out
there to Fit In To . . . it's a whole safety/acceptance/worthiness
story I'd built for myself. The myth of 'the group', the family, the
marriage, The Rock. And how many more invitations will I have to give
myself before I've truly got it???
Proof; Everyone else (Stefan, my daughter, the 4 grandchildren and the
great teenaged day-sitter) has gone about their own day, from the
looks of it they're happy to be themselves in their own reality. They
are all them - individual godforces doing their own things.
And I am ME in my 'reality' . . . where there's space and moving air
and vibrant colours ( if/when I don't try to fit in to their
realities). And I've no idea what the afternoon now holds for me, but
it won't be a case of me fitting in. I Promise (myself).

EF:EW - Thoughts and declarations

This 4-day program, once again, was wonderful; very helpful, stimulating and enlivening; an experience not an event. (http://www.louiselebrun.com/Women/Entrepren.htm) I’m not going to try to describe it; instead I will let the after-glow play in my body, welcome further insights that bubble up like slow after-shocks, and remember the engaged, lively, intense conversations with enjoyment and amazement. I’ve returned home feeling GREAT which feels mostly like feeling new, not just renewed nor revived nor merely changed - although those words are applicable too.

A snake leaps to mind: I’ve been shedding skins (actually I’ve been metabolizing blocked information/energy – but let’s play snake and shed ‘em for now) as I advanced along my journey through the Wel-Systems garden of programs. Last week a few more layers peeled off and so today, I feel a little bare; the skin I've exposed is so much less thick (callused?). I feel a bit raw, and unprotected by my old ‘coat’ that in fact was not protecting me: it was restricting me.. This now feels different, lighter and more agile; freer. I know I’ll be more sensitive to and aware of what I slither over (still gracefully!?); it’ll mean I’ll choose my path more mindfully; it’ll be MY path each day, each moment, and I’ll see/hear/notice any rough patches when I create them and not plough through them willy-nilly any more with a stiff upper lip or a brave smile – as I’ve done so proficiently until now.
Snakes are all-body-no-intellect. Standing on my own two feet, I’m going to check in with my inner Self from now on, constantly, and choose based on what I ‘hear’ instead of acting on information from my head and my cultural conditioning. Snakes, being what they are, MUST be very externally referenced; they must negociate defensively, reactively, in their given environment. I’ve done that until now, I now realise. But going forward, I will not continue this – after all, I’m not a snake.

I, as a godforce expressing mySelf in this holographic universe as Lucy in my human body, am able to create my environment, my holodeck. The biggest ‘outcome’ from the EF:EW experience last week is that I know, and more importantly feel-in-my-body that my days of cautiously slithering (often away from opportunities), of fearfully negociating my way through badlands and of dodging perceived or actual dangers in the landscape are over. Enough! No need! Done that! It doesn’t work for me! From now on: I connect with mySelf, I stay connected and awake, I choose, and my landscape/world will unfold before me and I will move into it, engaged and engaging.

If I try, I can clearly remember/feel my shock and awe, dismay, anger, disappointment with myself each time I became fully aware of a ‘skin’ that was covering, limiting, encasing me and determining how I moved and what I felt as I moved along (or stayed still – which was often the case). I can also recall/recapture the relief, excitement, sense of hope and expansion resulting from spotting/naming a ‘skin’ because I knew that I didn’t have to wear it any longer, once I’d recognized it for what it was and accepted it as a part of my being. My ‘inadequate/not up to the job’ –ness, and my unworthy/unaccepted – ness, and my lonely/abandoned –ness, and hence my resulting fearfulness and unending ability to hunker down and either to not see/hear/know or to tolerate what I was creating are still part of me, but they will no longer govern my state of being; they will no longer guide my decisions and rule my life.

Most of the time in this ‘old’ state (and old is not understatement: I’ve let myself stay in it for almost sixty years), I would disconnect from myself and observe myself moving/acting/complying/obliging/following in order to avoid or to feel less ‘pain’. Living this way - disconnected and externally referenced and thus un-authentically, does NOT equal Living Fully. I’m done with living dis-connected, hunkered-down and half-sized. It’s not much fun; it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t allow for my signal to express itself in this world. And I really, really want to beep/whirr/sparkle from now on. Checking in with mySelf, seeing what I see, hearing what I hear, knowing what I know, and choosing what feels right for me sounds so easy; it has NOT been my primary modus vivendi to date - and it’s going to be from now on.

Tonight I feel, sense, know inside that I’ve rounded a really crucially important bend: I’m fully aware that it’s up to me, and possible for me, to choose ME, to be ME on my own path. And that by staying fully aware of, and awake to ME (of my signal from Self) the path unfolds for me. I’ve thought I was ‘here’ before . . . now I know I’m much more ‘here’ - the EF:EW program this week made many things clearer – there’s nothing more clarifying than speaking out loud, hearing myself tell a supportive group of friends about myself and as a result, finally see clearly that which I’d been hiding from my awareness, that which I was not allowing myself to know.

So it’s clear to me now that I’ve got to be ‘here’: my own Living Fully depends on it and it’s my choice. Remember what I’ve already quoted/blogged about before? If I want to have x, I’ve got to do a+b PLUS c. And anything less than a+b+c won’t get me x. What became shockingly clear to me this week is how extremely dis-connected I have been. (Is that like extremely pregnant? Either you’re pregnant are or you’re not? I guess so – but for me, extremely feels like the right adjective for my dis-connected-ness). In this ‘new for me’ but not new context, where c is crucial: What if: a = choose me (what feels right for me), b = be me (not my cultural conditioning), c = stay connected to me and x = living fully? Maybe x includes immensely, expandingly, full power, full sparkle? Who, me? Why not, eh. I think I’d look good wearing x; totally different from who/what I’ve been/felt like ‘til now, that’s for sure. Jeepers, I think it’s already happening.

Jeepers!

I’ve just read Louise’s latest blog (There is a Storm Brewing: http://www.louiselebrun.com/WomenGathering/?p=46) and I’m wondering: Holy Shit JUST WHAT have I signed up for!?
I KNOW I want to be part of Big Conversations, actively participating and truly being present, and I clearly remember not so long ago that I KNEW that intensity was fearsome, not for me and certainly ‘not me’. So, two weeks from now, the 4-day ‘Emerging Futures: Entrepreneurial Women’ at Oceanstone might be something I’ve never experienced before in more ways that I am aware of! The cast of players, and the sense of ‘something’s happenin’ and I dunno what it is’ that we all seem to be aware of right now in our individual ways, mean that I might want to either fasten my seat belt, hunker down and take some gravol, or shout yipppeeee and surrender into the flow of whatever unfolds as our energies combine. It could be the wildest ride into the unknown that I’ve ever taken. And it’s my choice; it’s my holodeck!
What surprises ME most it that I sense inside me that I’m up for this even though I have NO idea what ‘I’m up for’. I’ve clearly shifted my approach to Life. Previously I’d have I checked ‘it’ out, assessed numerous possible outcomes as best I could and ‘made sure’, opted for (perceived) safety; or I’d have externally referenced the decision (another form of safety) or I’d have made up a story that fitted. And then I’d have spent the 4-days making sure that the experience matched the expectations, again, that it fitted, was safe etc etc etc.
How small-making! Crazy-making! A closed loop, for sure. As I know now, there was an intelligence for me to live that way – but that was then.

As I ‘check in with my body’ I get a YES, Be There (with a butterfly or two making a faint take-off attempt); trust this impulse, Lucy! Trust ME.
As I learned when I Told My Story out loudthree weeks ago (or was it only two?), so much of my life was spent alone, or trying to fit in to a group so as not to be alone, or pretending I actually did fit into a group and kidding myself that this felt ok. So some of my faint butterfly sensation is a hangover that’s still in a few cells, I guess: do I really ‘belong’ in a program with these other amazing, strong, restless and fearless women? Will they ‘accept’ me? Old fears. A more relevant ‘concern’, given my five decades of limiting myself: Will I actually be able to accept the part of me that avoided intensity and not-knowing and instead access/live that part of me that’s intense, curious, daring/courageous and really really wants to surrender fully into life - instead of thinking about it or hiding from it?
As I write, I’m aware that I’m/that’s in my head. In my body, there’s a YES I CAN access that part of me, and a Get Going, Lucy! that makes me realize that the intense, curious, daring/courageous part of me is alive and kicking, it’s actually not buried very deep any more, except when I fall asleep and allow old limiting, habituated reponses to swamp me, or when stay in my head and make up/repeat old stories ‘cuz they sound familiar and it’s so easy to go/slip back to the known.

Too bad EF:EW isn’t this coming week.
I herewith resolve to, in anticipation, create my own versions of a memorable experience of splashing around in the unknown; no editing; randomness here I come. I know that “it doesn’t have to be difficult” – it merely requires me to get out of my way. And I don’t have to do this alone; my play-group might be less overtly Ready To Rock than the up-coming EF:EW adventuresses but I’ll choose the best explorers that I can find ‘round here. And three home-made 4-day intensives and it’ll almost be time to go and play with the EW’s by the water in the sunshine. Heh! Intensity! I’ve signed myself up. YIKES and YES!

Too Fast to NOT

Since my last blog, which seems to me now like a long long time ago, I've been MOVING - both in the Wel-systems way of letting information unblock and assimilate itself in my body, and in the Moving Right Along way. So much seems to happen each day, and the hours pass so quickly and so interestingly that I couldn't NOT notice the change in me, even if I were trying to kid myself that nothin' had happened. It's as if the air has become less dense around me and I can move through it effortlessly.

re blogging: The 'problem' isn't that I don't have recent stuff I'd like to exude over, marvel about or ponder over, on paper. And it's not that I don't like the speed I'm experiencing, or even the intensity I'm feeling (THAT's radical as I knew myself as Ms. Intensity Avoidance). It's partly that I don't take the time, don't slow down enough, don't just sit down and write; I find I'm chosing to NOT blog at this point - the sensation of the warm breeze filling my sails is too lovely, right now. And it's partly that, as 'everything' changes so quickly, a thought or an impulse that I might write about would 'uv become obsolete by the time I'd 'uv finished writing. At least that's what briefly flashes in my mind whenever Hey! blog again, Lucy! zooms through me as one of many options.

I don't feel my foot is consciously on the gas pedal, and I DO feel I'm steering the car/bus as it moves forward on it's own. The pavement's good; the potholes are not too deep, nor too abundant; the road I'm zipping along seems wide and endless. I feel like I just got my license. I'm seeing green lights ahead right now - after all, I get to choose the street lights on my holodeck.
It's a stick shift I'm driving; it's a paradigm shift I'm living.

Author, painter, whatever

Painting has shown me several things over the 18 months since I first picked up a brush. I’ve learned that I love the wetness, smoothness and sound of the painting process; that I really enjoy learning how to see differently, and to see more; that I have ‘stuff’ to say/paint that seems pretty strong and vibrant – and that that’s probably a reflection of what’s moving through me!
It’s become clear to me that when I am grounded and just ‘see what happens’ on the canvas, the process of painting is totally consuming: time flies; it feels great and it’s energizing; the outcome is usually a surprise and often something I like a lot. Even when I try to use a photo as a starting point and am working more ‘from my intellect’ with a kind of a plan, if I just let my brush move freely I do end up with a fairly close representation of what I was seeing in the photo or at least a ‘picture’ I am pleased with. The beginner that I am is still really amazed that I can actually do this and how much fun I’m having.
If a painting starts to ‘go wrong’ – usually by not meet my expectations, not ‘turning out’ - and I buckle down and really work at it, it generally goes really wrong from that point on, and my undertaking feels like slow-moving struggle; darnitall; oooof; why am I doing this to myself; and proof of my lack-of-talent. When/if I return to the canvas later, and pick up where I left off yet from a different place in me, the process is often easy and satisfying, with ‘good’ results. I’ve shown myself again and again that it’s a case of allowing whatever’s in me to flow and evolve, and if/when I do, something I like is the result –it might be actually lovely/beautiful, or ‘merely’ interesting, or crazy and whimsical, or just surprising (and possibly pretty ‘ugly’ by generally accepted standards).

In ‘reality’, when I let my body direct my choices and actions, I get what’s right for me at that moment. When I work ‘from my intellect’, it’s often a struggle. This has been very apparent to me recently; and my painting process is a fractal of this.

The exciting part is that in the middle of the night last night, an important-feeling insight popped for me:
My life is actually as SAFE a game as painting is. And it’ll be as much FUN and BIG as I allow it to be, just like painting has been recently. They’re not that different. It wasn't actually at thought, at least not at first; it was more a feeling - a great surge of YESness inside.

While I have reached a point that I’m clear that ‘it’s only a piece of paper/canvas – what’s to fear?’ and whatever I paint, it’s mine and I can paint over if it’s not working for me - I had never made the connection to my own sense of safety/abundance and willingness to give myself permission to dare to live more fully, and especially to dare to ‘be outrageous’.

It’s my life and it’s not so different from a canvas; I am choosing the size, colours, textures, tones and shapes as I go; the creative process just unfolds if I get out of it’s way. I’d often told myself ‘it’s my life, my story, and I’m writing it. And that, while also true, has left me with feelings in my body which I’ve associated with responsibility, urgency, necessity to perform (not waste this chance). All pretty loaded, heavy sensations in my body – and not conducive to spontaneity nor courageous leaping-into-unknowns. Maybe even childhood values of ‘don’t waste paper’ and ‘write clearly so others can read it’ and the inherent value of books, of literature, and a respect for words (watch what you say!) that I imbibed early on, have all been playing a part in this, out of my awareness. Who knows.

By changing ONE small piece of this puzzle/game/illusion – namely that I’m painting my painting (instead of writing my book), the issue (my life) has taken on a totally different feel: lighter, bigger, permitting more changes and surprises; basically allowing me to GO FOR MORE. Why? I think ‘reframing’ in NLP terms is what I’m actually doing, but who knows why being a painter is more empowering for me that being an author – and who cares. I feel MUCH lighter today as a result of this small twist in my metaphor/illusion/perception of life, and I like it. It seems to me now that the fears that have been limiting my ability to ‘fly’ (a.k.a. to live fully, to give myself permission to do a, b. AND c, to live randomly; and slightly more specifically either to write, paint, explore, kiss numerous frogs with abandon) could actually have been shifted – dare I say disappeared? All of them? And without protracted stuggle? What an outrageous thought! I feel pretty damn good today. Yippeeee – basically!
And stepping our of NOW (briefly) and looking ahead:
What a great way to go INTO an intensive week of “Decloaking”! . . . THIS is usually the space I’m in at the END of a Wel-Systems experience.

Lately

Lately, I’ve been painting, reading - with 3 books on the go , listening to Louise’s “Leadership” cds; in short: moving through my days with no plan (randomly) and with enthusiasm. Somehow, blogging has fallen by the wayside although occasionally I find myself, while walking outside (in the sometimes spring-like air) and especially when painting, in a sort of internal blogging mode. In a abstract way: I’m not forming sentences, but I’m thinking thoughts; it’s beyond just ‘having’ thoughts and the thought(s) is/are not yet really formed, gelled. It’s fun – seeing what pops up, from the past - sometimes a new angle, sometimes a repeat, sometimes a whim or fantasy for the future. And just letting these thoughts fly without pushing, guiding or limiting them. Some fizzle out as fast as they came, others begin to feel more like an exploration, or a sparkle with a bit of staying power.

The rest of the time when I’m painting, I’m pretty much ‘just’ painting - pushing and pulling colours across the paper, mixing colours and seeing what happens; and constantly surprising myself with what emerges. Time flies. I’m starting not to feel naughty or self-indulgent or silly. (That old familiar voice is less frequently audible, but I still know what she used to say: I’m not An Artist hence and what am I doing pretending I can paint? Do something useful!). And I’m actually allowing myself to be quite pleased with some of the results, and recognizing my own sense of pleasure and surprise with the results, and I’m aware that I’m enjoying the feeling in my body as I’m standing in front of the easel, brush in hand. Maybe that’s why I’m doing it – to get a bit more in tune with me and my feelings? If so, it’s working! Or is it a way for me to learn to just me in the moment, focusing on putting one mark on the canvas at a time? That’s working too.
Despite my musing about it here, I like that I don’t even have to know ‘why’ I doing it.

For the upcoming term at the School of Art, I’ve signed up for another session of ‘Acrylics for Beginners’ classes – that was a really easy decision. More daring was enrolling in “Dare to Sculpt”. It’s been an idea forming for a while, and then, in March at an exhibit of Henry Moore works in London I actually said out loud: I’d like to learn how to sculpt, to mold things with my hands, to see what happens. So I enrolled. In spite of my aghast, often-instantly-there don’t-do-it voice: screeching: Hubris! TWO art classes, who do I think I am? And sculpting? for gods sake, I’m NOT Henry Moore. Have pity on the instructor! But something else inside was prompting me loudly and clearly: YES, BE crazy. So I’m going to give it a whirl! Watch me twirl! And yes, probably I should have pity on the instructor who’ll have to deal with someone (ME) who has no idea how to begin to think/create in 3D. I suppose so . . . EXCEPT . . . because this is a holographic universe, and I’m being drawn to this, full of curiosity and the tingle of Yippeee - Adventure Ahead! ‘having pity’ is not the way I’m thinking any more. Now it’s . . . Choose me, eh!
So Ms Sculpting Instructor will have me aboard for nine Mondays; and she’s really welcome on my holodeck too.
And my old voice is groaning at the thought. Too bad for her, now; she’s been zipped.

MY VACUUM

It’s not that I need to do the vacuuming around here; it’s that I feel like I’m in A Vacuum, and it’s dense and heavy, warm and safe – yet physically uncomfortable. The rain on the roof sounds steady, determined and comforting, and the aimlessness of my day is unsettling. I have lots TO DO, and absolutely no inclination to get any of IT done nor to start anything new. Those ‘to do’s’ are products of my intellect – some of them I even actually truly want to do. And I know that my ‘uncomfortablness’ is heavily influenced by my OLD belief that being busy is ’good’ and getting stuff done is useful – (combined with the knowledge of the fact that I will have to complete these tasks at one point and/but postponing them for a while isn’t going to change much). And my body is saying NO to all of them; I’m not bored, not tired, not depressed; I’m restless, unsettled, unfocussed and sort of floating – with lots of body responses traveling gently but nonetheless noticeably through me.
I ‘know’ this is all ok and that I don’t need to fix myself, don’t need to ‘snap out of it’ (as I’ve be taught to do); and I’m trusting that just letting it happen and staying with it is what I need to do if I’m going to get to know myself better and move closer to living MY life. It’s just that right now, it feels . . . . well, like I’m in limbo/a vacuum, and although I have ‘been here’ before, I’ve never actually liked this state and I used to usually try to suppress/override/ignore it – back then, I didn’t know the afloat-and-drifting sensation is really a form of information about myself, I’d always ‘believed’ that this vaccum-space was a mood and nothing worth paying attention to.

I’m getting an ‘EASE UP, be gentle, dammit’ message as I write. And a ‘wallow merrily in the vaccum and see what happens’ whisper is filling my space. Luxuriating has always been fraught with ‘don’t’ connections in the past; allowing myself to enjoy the vastness of the vacuum is an intellectual oxymoron for me right, and I know I’m going to try it anyway, this afternoon, and see how my body likes it – to hell with what my culturally conditioned self might murmur.

Sarah’s recent phrase leaps to mind: " i am ready for more...... i am aware being for me...is simply energy moving in and out of me and from others to others." The sentence has stuck with me since I read it because it resonated so strongly with how I’ve been living/feeling recently – certainly since the EF:EW experience a month ago when the penny really dropped – kerplunk – and I realized that I fully stand in the New Paradigm. And this last month, it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster as others who live in the ‘old paradigm’ triggered habitual responses from me which no longer felt/were authentic, and that prompted me to wake up again and to choose/speak from my newly recognized space.

Today, it’s as if my body, especially the area around my 6th and 7th chakras, is giving me invitations to really assimilate more layers of this awareness, and to get in tune with this more deeply, more completely; maybe my actual cells are still reconfiguring themselves. It’s as if I’m creating a vacuum around myself to protect me from bumping up against something today – as if I’m in fact helping myself, supporting myself until I’m ready to move, choose, put one foot down in front of the other again. Sounds gentle to me . . . I’ll accept it gratefully – and see it as wonderful and wise, not uncomfortable and disorienting.
I can already feel that my feet are almost ready to touch ground again – I feel quite different from the Chagall-like floating figure I was when I started writing this.

Doing C

I’m not sure if was last June, I am sure it was at Oceanstone and I can visualize the Great Room, me sitting beside the fire and Louise opposite me. I think I even gasped as Louise made the clear point: ”If you want to get x, and it takes a+b+c but you’re only willing to do a+b, you'll never ever get x, you’ll get something else; and it’s your choice.”
It made a huge impression on me then, and I thought I’d ‘got it’ then, too. This week, though, I’ve had several invitations to wake up and realize that, on a regular basis, I’m not doing c. Almost as if the way I move through the world is Not Doing C. And once again, I’m saying NO MORE to myself, and by blogging it and sending my intention out into the univers, I’m planning on making it happen.

What’s not doing c? Lots of things, this week.
- I didn’t change what I’m doing even though I was very aware as I did it that what I was doing was not working. I’ll admit that I didn’t actually know how to do it differently, but more importantly, I realize now that I didn’t let myself explore other options, didn’t take a risk (which wasn’t really a risk as the situation was a harmless painting exercise). But, once I woke up to what was happening, I got curious, and then somewhat horrified, about the ‘where else’ issue (i.e where else in my life do I fall into this pattern).
- I drew my line in the sand far to close too where I was standing. I kept myself small and puny because I planted my spear (a good thing) allowing only for a small change. I ‘took into account’ what I felt my environment could tolerate, I accepted to aim for what would be ‘a good beginning’ instead of taking what I really wanted to achieve as my starting line and accepting nothing less. In this instance, I kept myself at effect, and possibly underestimated the situation. At any rate, what I got was what I’d aimed for, and I know that what I wanted (and still want) was/is more than that. Again, I wasn’t willing to risk ‘asking for’ more; I didn’t state my full truth – to myself first of all, or when I set my spear.
- I chose to fall into a well-honed strategy of responding to a plea for help without taking my own needs/wishes/goal into consideration. The opportunity to give-when-asked triggered an instant yes reponse from me; I didn’t check in first with my body, or my intellect for that matter. My culturally conditioned self just leapt into action and I stopped doing what was actually something I had consciously chosen, and what was nourishing and pleasant. I DID help, that’s probably true; but I did not stand up for myself and my needs. I didn’t want to seem selfish, unhelpful – my old rules grabbed me by the throat again and I surrendered my own voice to them. I’m aware that if I hadn’t ‘helped’ in this instance, the dynamic of the underlying situation would have changed as I wouldn’t have perpetuated the existing pattern; THAT, in fact, would have been more helpful. And it’s not too late, now that I’ve remembered again who I am, and that I can change things by doing things differently.

So all this begs the question: what IS c?
Some of what c is, of course, depends on what x is. But without trying to be too cute or clever about this, let’s say that x ranges from an immediate outcome to the huge vast enlivening concept of living ‘fully’ - as the godforce that now know I am.
In all cases, c includes:
- choosing myself, knowing I matter; remembering that It’s My Life.
- recognizing what is true and important for me; saying YES and NO;
- asking/demanding/seeking/dreaming for BIG - not for small and puny, not for what would be just easily manageable and bare bones acceptable; it’s mine to choose; it’s my choice;
- living it, doing it, not just thinking about it nor only blogging about it;
- trusting myself, even if I don’t have clue what ‘doing it differently’ or change might actually be/entail; trusting that as I enter the unknown, the path/way will become visible/clear – until it changes as a result of where I’ve just gone and I continue the exploration further – again and again.

And I’m sure I’ll be adding to the list.
For now, I’m going to go forward doing c - as a combination of courage, choices, curiosity – and allowing. (Does anyone have a c-word for that?). And x is anything and everything I want it to be. And it doesn't have to be difficult; even the math is easy.

And right now, x means going for a post-snowstorm walk - the sun has come out, the air will be wonderful; I feel like it – and who knows where I’ll go. But if I don’t get off this sofa and go now - that could be the c in this equation, it’ll be another day inside for me (or y) not x. it's that simple. It's c, see?

Feedback - and thoughts about Mishmash as a Process

When I sat down to write "Feedback" for Louise yesterday, the piece below rolled off my fingertips. As I read it now, it seems pretty 'formal' and stilted as it started out - as if it was me writing in a way/style that was expected of me - after all, it's Feedback - hence there are rules (in my old world, at least) and I slipped right into producing what's expected of me! Except that as the piece progressed, the style and tone show that I seemed to relax into it - slightly, and it became a bit more spontaneous - inspite of still keeping the project-at-hand in mind. Is that a metaphor for how I move through my world, these days? Probably. So the result, as I read it this morning, seems to me to be a mishmash of feedback/sales pitch for potential entrepreneurial women retreat-goers, a declaration - as much for the benefit of readers as for me to hear myself decloak another time, and, by now, also a post for my blogsite. And mishmash is also a pretty accurate metaphor for my confused, enthusiastic, exploring and 'allowing myself' modus vivendi these days. All good! No complaints! Yippeeee!


Leading up to the Emerging Futures:Entrepreneurial Women retreat, I wondered what the 4 days would bring, feeling certain that it would be big, and good, and important; I was ‘open’ to whatever the experience might be for me. It’s not the first program that I’ve attended, and I’m very familiar with the body of knowledge that is the basis for the discussions; and each time I register, it’s with anticipation of personal, discovery and growth, and expecting at least to leave with a rekindled sense of myself, of wonderment, joy and gratitude. After this retreat, I felt all of those AND renewed confidence in myself as entrepreneurial woman, and more certain of the unlimited possibilities for me that lie in the Emerging Future ‘process’.

Different from the other women who attended this retreat because I’m not ‘an entrepreneur’ with a business of my own, I felt I was in the right place nonetheless, knowing that I’m an entrepreneurial woman: innovative, creative; strong; willing to think outside the box; taking responsibility for the choices I make. In all of the discussions, I was interested, challenged, stimulated, engaged; and often moved to tears or gasps of aha, yes! or bursts of no more of that for me, that’s sure! The ‘that’ was usually a pattern of thought, a habituated response, or a limiting belief that still lingers from my past. In the group I felt totally included, unselfconscious, safe, and willing to express an unedited version of whatever came into my mind.

My biggest ‘take home’ is easy to describe for those familiar with the Wel-Systems perspective: I know now that I stand firmly in space of the Wel-System paradigm. I now know in my body and not just through my intellect that WHO I am is energy and WHAT I am is a quantum biological device, and that my Emerging Future lies in allowing the connection from the universal field to enter and flow through my body, so that I am an expression in this world of that signal. For readers unfamiliar with what this seemingly wild-and-wooly stuff means, read the book(s)! It’s not so weird, in fact; it’s science. (Louise Lebrun’s Fully Alive would be a starting point.) This retreat was a breakthough for me in that, over the last few years, I learned about this worldview, accepted the science and concepts, but had not felt myself fully living within, or from, the new paradigm. During the EF:EW retreat, I recognized that I fully embrace this new worldview now, in body and in mind. It has been a huge step for me, I realize now as I look back, and I obviously needed some time to move from my previous, well-entrenched and commonly accepted perspective. And the time was right for me, last week, to become aware just how far I’ve traveled, and where I now stand. And over the four days, with the support of five other wonderful women, it was a perfect opportunity to move ‘forward’ from this new place, exploring what might emerge as I see the world from a different perspective. Understatement: It was pretty amazing.

Now, one week later, I am both very aware of the immense leap I have taken and very excited about what lies ahead. Until now, I had only disclosed small parts of my changing beliefs and my ‘journey’ to others. Trying to explain more specifically where I now stand to my family, in particular, has been challenging, especially as an ‘Emerging Future’ includes/requires that I do not/can not know what is ahead for me and that I allow my body – not my intellect, to lead me. These are not easy concepts for others to accept; even if the intensity of my declaration that this is how I want to live is tangible, this approach, as a way of living, sounds awfully unstructured and open-ended – because it is. And frankly, I am still learning how to live this way. It requires that I stay awake to the lure of living from my head, and that I avoid falling into the well-honed ‘routine’ of basing decisions and actions on past experiences. and habits. I am learning to ‘be led’ by my intuition, to do what feels right to me, not what is/has been expected of me. It entails choosing, constantly; when I don’t, I notice soon enough that I have defaulted back into habituated responses that no longer are appropriate for the job at hand: living my life fully, engaging the entrepreneurial woman in me for a more enlivened, inspiring and enriched life; one that, with my energetic expression, touches others and allows them to feel/know their own spirit more intensely.

When there’s another EF:EW retreat, I’m likely to sign up for it; the experience of getting together in a small group with other Wel-Systems women for deep, broad, lively and wonderful conversations is one I will seek out often. Learning from each other and exploring with each other is an accelerated way to experience the magnificence of this world - and of myself. Goodness! if I still stood in my ‘old’ worldview, I’d never have written those last three words. As I said earlier, in my ‘Emerging Future’ journey, I don’t know what’s ahead . . . and the 60yearold godforce/spirit that I am obviously has many surprises up my sleeve for me; I just have to let me do my magic!

Choosing

I sat down thinking !blog! and now I don’t know what to write. All week, since returning from an amazing four days in an Entrepreneurial Women:Emerging Futures retreat, blog-bits have come to mind, but those insights/whirrings/thoughts are somewhere deep in my cells now, not on the tip of my tongue or fingertips. I know the EW:EF experience is still settling in me; my body is telling me that with various muscular and nervous sensations, waves of tears, and often sudden moments of fuzziness/fatigue or almost scary aliveness. I feel I am in a different space now, very different from even last week just before the retreat, and as wonderful as that is, it’s taking some getting used to. Getting used to not getting used to anything as my life’s in constant flow; getting used to being in control of not being in control of anything - except my willingness and ability to choose where/how to put my left foot down once the right instep has started to lift up off the ground. And then to choose again as the lay of the land changes from my new position.
Apropos choice, “if I had to choose one” . . . the paradigm discussions were the best part of the week for me. The enormity of waking up to how enormous the new umbrella of the Wel-Systems paradigm that I’m standing under is, was . . . . words to describe it fail me.* I already knew that I’d crossed the dotted line to the ‘new’ worldview before last week’s discussions, but now I’m more aware of just what a massive shift that means for me. I was kidding myself about the leap, hoping, I suppose, it was smaller and therefore ‘safer’ – both for me and those around me who might not be tempted/willing to leap with me. The more I understand it, and look back to ‘where I was’, the implications of not-leaping seem clearer too. It was A Choice and it took courage – I realize with hindsight.
Actually, maybe I’m missing the point here. Maybe the courageous choice wasn’t to leap, maybe it was to give myself permission to leap. I don’t think I knew I was choosing a new paradigm, I think I was letting myself be open to new information and to see where that led me. And with a few ups and downs in the ‘giving myself permission department’ I’ll admit, and a whole lot of reading because I was fascinated and increasingly convinced by the science and the implications, this new worldview started to feel right. And voilà, when I look back, I see that I’ve leapt!
Now, the terrain on this new side emerges before me, under me, with me. It’s a funny feeling, and I’m getting used to not being used to it, and realizing that as long as I welcome the movement and the fluidity, I’ll be on solid footing in an emerging futures world. Confusing eh? Alive, eh? Big, eh?
• For a really alive and great description of the retreat the impact it had on all of us, see Louise’s blog: Instructions for opening your eyes, Feb, 25 at http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com and Birth By Fire, Feb. 25 at http://www.louiselebrun.com/WomenGathering. For more on the Wel-Systems paradigm, see: http://www.WEL-Systems.com.
. . . . . . . . .

That’s what I wrote last night, but didn’t post because I needed to add the links to Louise’s sites and was too tired by then to do the nitty-gritty.

And here it is, a new day with snow falling gently and as always, things look different in daylight. The 60yearoldgodforce that I am today, choosing to . . . stick with the courageous, not knowing, standing in the new paradigm theme.

Marie-Jose shared this image that Louise gave her with me this morning, and it’s been rumbling and tossing in me for the last half hour: ". . . it is so easy for us to get caught up in the habits of thought of others, just allowing ourselves to be drawn along like a leaf in a strong current. It is also as if when the moment comes that we notice that we are not a leaf and are no longer willing to live like a leaf, we are startled to make that discovery. We also struggle as the 'leaves' we love continue to believe themselves to be that leaf, not only choosing to just mosey along but also clamoring for us to get back in the water!"

As the image worked through/within me, I saw this leaf on top of the water, scrambling a bit frantically to swim against the current. And then the fact hit me – WRONG! I’m not a leaf! – and I’d been forgetting that sometimes this week EVEN tho' the EW:EF experience was so recent. After the retreat, I knew so well that I’m a 60yearoldGodforce (read energetic beep if the god part of what I’m calling myself is too much for this go’round); how could I be able to forget that so easily? I am, because forgetting it can be so comfy, because when I'm 'just me' I return to familiar terrain, and it's seemingly 'safe', it's a habit. So, much as the strong pulls I’ve been feeling at home, inviting me to revisit and enjoy my past have been very unwelcome, difficult to withstand, and cause for lots of heated moments of discussion, I know they are giving me a chance to recognize again WHO and WHAT I am now, and where I stand in the new paradigm; they give me another chance to state this out loud and to insist out loud that delving into memories and letters/artifacts collected over that last fifty years is neither useful nor does it feel good in my body. And yet, having stated that, nonetheless 'old' feelings of guilt and disloyalty and the uncomfortable position for me of being the person who's not doing what's requested of me surge up in me. Mostly, they are quickly sideswiped again by a 'knowing' that these are habituated 'old' culturally conditioned thoughts and are not relevant or useful for me, now, but not before they've wreaked some havoc to my wellbeing. At the risk of sounding repetitious:, this post-retreat week has been a topsyturvy time - with many opportunities to choose to stand in the new paradigm.

My husband has been bearing the torch as the person who’s very keen to look through old letters and revisit old memories this week, and he’s been bearing the brunt of my rejection of this activity/exploration. I haven’t always found the words (or tone) to explain my stance well, and he’s been searching to understand – in a way, just like the leafy image clamouring for (me) to get back into the water. This noon, not knowing any more where to turn as he sensed my intention to stay in my body and not to ‘work it through’ with him intellectually any longer, he reread Louise’s ‘profile’ piece about Emerging Futures,; that helped him a lot. (http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com) Thanks Louise, for stating so clearly what is so difficult to describe and for capturing the ‘problem’ about just that: it IS unclear, undefined and emerging and especially because of letting go of looking to the past – for patterns, habits and for explanations. We’re all helped by what you write.

. . . .

So here I am, meandering more gently now this afternoon, not floating as a leaf in the current, and still thinking about today's various images and metaphors. It’s still snowing outside and I’ve been writing this in bits and pieces over the last hours – the blog’s been emerging as my day has been emerging. This morning seems a long time ago, the leafy state I was letting myself return to feels ‘gone’, the hefty-feeling discussions at lunch seemed to have been just what I/we needed, and what is right now . . . is me, a 60yearoldgodforce writing about what’s been moving inside me today. I’ll be able to see where standing in the present is taking me as it happens, not before by planning it, and not afterwards by revisiting it, but by letting it emerge. Living this way still feels pretty unfamiliar, certainly unclear, and wide open and excellent in THIS moment.
I've managed to write myself 'full circle'! I started out last evening feeling confused, courageous, and pretty good, and here I am again! Will I get used to this? I get to choose, that's sure.

Today's path. Seeing.

A different path, today, and some of yesterday's metaphors are still alive and well: protective guards and boundaries, an openended way ahead, important (for the picture) shadows.
What strikes me in this photo is that the boundary (railing on the right), while seemingly solid and straightforward, when it's reflected on the pathway, seems flexible and malleable, and how it shows up the paths' undulating levels. The path, without those shadows, from my perspective holding the camera that day, seemed pretty flat and steady until I woke up and realised how differentiated and interesting the surface really was/is.
When I took the photo - with some excitement, I'll admit, those visual effects were all I was noticing. Not the fact that I was including some space on the other side of the railing in my composition; not the really rigid wall-of-guardrail on the left that tolerates no wavering or alternatives; certainly not the metaphors I'm playing with now. I find it wonderful to notice now as I really look at my photo, that even the London cityscape designers saw the importance of 'my path' and highlighted it in different brickwork to separate it visually from the red-brick laneway; as if they know too that it's 'merely' a case of me putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where that takes me.

This morning, for instance, I found myself sketching - for the first time in my life, out of the blue as it were except that last week I'd bought myself a how-to-draw (for beginners) book. I had noticed last week in my beginners' painting class that I don't know how to really see what I'm looking at (in order to paint it); I don't even know where to start, except slowly and carefully. So in addition to realising that that bit of wisdom was such a fractal of what goes on in my life outside the painting classroom where I have typically seen what I’ve expected to see – and not necessarily seen what’s actually there and happening, I’m resolved to get better at seeing as clearly/accurately/truthfully as possibly – in all aspects of my life. And external assistance seemed like a good place to start as I ‘don’t have all day’ to get the basics of SEEING in order to draw/paint under my belt! Meanwhile I’m more aware of actually seeing, not projecting, what’s going on around me, and for that matter, inside of me. All good, no?
In putting some of the how-to hints into practice, I was intrigued to see an acceptable likeness of my azalea-in-a-pot appear on my page - all because I was paying attention to the important lines, angles and sizes and taking the time to calmly place my pencil on the page and pull it firmly in a direction that seemed to be calling it. It’s fun to learn a new skill, exciting to explore another thing that I didn’t know I didn’t know.
At this point, I still prefer my photos to my “paintings’ such as they are, but that’s unimportant . .. . It’s not a finite game., after all, is it? The possibilities are unlimited as long as I stay on the playing field. And there’s something about actually physically moving the lead, or the paint, across the page – the sound, smell, wetness/dryness, and seeing where that takes the ‘work’ - that is more satisfying for me right now than clicking a metal button attached to a black box with a big black eye followed by sitting in front of a computer screen adjusting the colours by clicking on the keyboard. The once-removed-ness of digital photography just doesn’t cut it right now; I’m exploring getting my fingers dirty and really enjoying the surprises I create, the boundaries I choose, the protective walls I (still) like knowing exist, and of course, the path.

Possible ways of seeing things? Distortions? Myths?

Instead of zooming down the highway to a friend's funeral in Montreal, I'm HERE looking at the freezing rain fall and wondering about the invitation to NOT go to the funeral (extended by by the weather) i.e. the invitation to consider my shoulds and coulds and to mindfully choose what serves ME. Having agreed with my husband that NOT going was truly an option for us, and makes total sense today, we then started a lengthy discussion about how we'd celebrate (or not) our 40th wedding anniversary and my 60th birthday next November - and lots of the shoulds and coulds attached to that - ranging from losing touch with one's extended family if we don't include them, the anticipated void that could ensue if we didn't keep up contact. Amazing how we create (take?) opportunities for meaningful discussions at surprising moments.
Lots of the focus of the shoulds, ought tos and related fears were about S's beliefs and rules, but I realise that when I'm talking 'with him' it's me talking to myself too. We delved into standing alone without the prop of 'family',, whether our siblings are still part of who we believe ourselves to be or if it's an image of ourself that we're maintaining in order to flesh out a diminished view we have of ourselves. If there's a void when we don't have a family around us.
If/when I start using I instead of WE here . . . The difference in my position from S's on this is that I am realising that I've actually stopped propping myself up with identities of family member, sister or brother. At least MOST of the time (when I stay awake) I'm ME, still friendly with my siblings but as me, not as the sister of P. It's a one-on-one situation iin this position and it's very liberating . . . most of my shoulds have fallen away as a result, the remaining ones I keep as values (respect, empathy, compassion) that I embrace for ME regardless of whether it's my siblings, my friends - or people I don't really know. These values affect how I interact with them and it's my choice to let them guide me. I think the difference is a stronger awareness of ME and of my boundaries, now; in the 'family' situation, and if I'm honest, with friends too, I had lost them and was too willing to mesh with the group or the other (believing it necessary for acceptance, love etc.), In fact, I was losing myself, becoming invisible. As I write, it's clear to me that I'm saying that these are values for me when dealing with others . . . What about me and ME? do I have respect, compassion for myself? Not enough! I can quickly lose myself in reverting back to old shoulds and ought tos; in fact propping myself up with rules.
I know I can 'risk' dropping them, and seeing what emerges . . . when I do it, it works! It's wonderful, liberating, and allows expansion and exploration.
The paradoxes! Such as standing alone and not being alone, stronger boundaries that create bigger spaces: the void after exploding the myth of Family as a prop and realising it was a myth and thus there's no new void; boundaries and edges.

Over the last few days, I've been focussing on and meaning to write down many thoughts that occur when I see this photo I took in London in January.
Until right now, I'd been seeing the path; thinking about 'paths' and going forward and speed and movement and lots more; and the importance of the protective railing in this picture for the picture - and of course the swoops in the stones that change/distort the guardrail; and the importance (for me) of protective guards. And I've been getting really curious about THAT, and about the fact that I just clicked on this shot when I saw it and how amazing my higherSelf is to know that I'd find so much meat on the bones of this image. Today I realise that the photo can also open the door to further musing about boundaries. When are guardrails protecting me from a (perceived) danger, or hemming me in, or allowing me to walk with more certainty as I have more awareness of where I want to be (what my boundaries are)? And I thought I'd been taking numerous photos of pathways (it was out of my awareness that I'd been taking so many on that theme until I review my image library, recently) because I delight in the visual image I see, in the unendingness of the path itself, and in the geometry of the composition, and in the distortion or complications that shadows often create! Was I also inviting myself to see the edges of the paths too, and the clear definition route coupled with the unspecifity of the destination? Good 'work', Lucy! - that just spilled off the fingers of someone (ME) who thinks she doesn't know how to play! In truth, that work I'm patting my back for was actually huge fun and I've just caught in the act of merrily showing myself another one of my myths: that 'playing isn't me'? And I've believed it. This is fodder for another blog, I can feel it.

Time Inbetween

A momentary lull in my day, and I’m drawn to writing, without any idea what. – As I wrote ‘lull’ I instantly wondered why I don’t consider lots more of my time ‘a lull”. By outward appearances, it must seem to many people that I have loads of lulls in my day/week. Who knows, and who cares.
What’s lull-like for ME in this moment; why is lots of my day not lullish? I think it’s a perception, a sense of enough space, an internal measurement of ‘enough time’, an unspecified moment or event between tasks, actions, events. It has an ‘unallocated’ nature that includes a sense of freedom and luxury for me. And it’s linked to guilt, I’m realizing as I write, because lulls are unproductive of course! And inefficient. And in my culturally conditioned beliefs, ‘wasting time’ is never a good thing. Is that why when I’m about to enter a lull, when I sense there might be short unallocated period of time ahead of me, now that I’m more aware of my body, I notice a sinking at the pit of my stomach, an unpleasant feeling? And quickly decide to DO SOMETHING, whether it’s urgent or not, even necessary or not, to fill that space, to relief the uncomfortable sensation in my body?

Stolen . . . leaps to mind. Lulls, if I let them happen, can also seem like down-time that I've taken illicitly, something that must to be hidden from others, or camouflaged in a cloak of usefulness of some sort. Sort of selfish time, time for myself - o no! time. Oouufff. I wasn't aware of this piece of cumbersome baggage I carry! No wonder I have a hard time goofing-off, luxuriating or playing . . . if I have to hide it, cover it up, pretend. Who's ever enjoyed being stealthily playful? Seems like an oxymoron. I realise now that probably somewhere inside I've been equating playtime with an extended lull.

The word choice just flashed into my mind – Of course! Lulls can be choice points – major or minor, but moments when I can actually mindfully choose where to put my next step – if I don’t just fill them quickly to distract myself from the chance to choose. They can be moments to savour the flavour of my life and to change the direction/flow if the current taste isn’t working for me. I can create lulls, allow lulls to happen; I don’t need to avoid lulls or to shorten the lull-time in between ‘tasks’ or events. I don’t need to kid myself that I’m worthy because I’m efficient, effective, I’m accomplishing something - because I’d learned that doing something is ‘good’ and that time not-getting-something-done is wasted/bad. What a crazy belief! Yes, time is precious, yes MY time as me on this planet will run out AND yes I can spend it in ways that I choose to, that serve me. I can even play. I can waste it if that’s what others call what I’m doing (i.e. not doing). I won’t feel uncomfortable/naughty anymore. I'm hoping this isn't just a 'resolution' in my head i.e. I hope this is moving through my cells as I write - something is! Another layer of the guilt vs. luxuriate/enjoy millefeuille that I am?
This lull has served me . . . I’ve learned a bit more about my limiting beliefs. It’s been a Good Lull. I’m going to bring ‘em on and indulge! Notice lulls and play with them, see them for what they are, not for what I’ve believed for so long that they represent and say about me.

Today. Swirling, twirling.

Urgency and restlessness, and/yet knowing I’m in the right spot and I can trust myself here – it’s MY LIFE right now, these days. Part of me is comfortable with this, or at least with the not knowing side of the urgency and restlessness; yet part of me thinks back fondly of a mellow, a thinking-I-knew and a not-restless state, because it was easy. But I’m fully aware that it was also boring and that I don’t want to go back there. So I’ll stick with the agitation, and continue to breathe often and deeply, and welcome the tears, and just see what evolves from within me. I’m watching out for evasive distractions which don’t serve me that I am all to good at creating for myself, and I’m listening to the impulses that draw me towards something. I know/trust that something(s) ‘more’ will emerge from this, and I’ll take it from there. Stay awake! and choose mindfully! are actively in my awareness right now; it’s not been my habitual mode of engaging, and I’m finding it interesting, sometimes - no, often challenging. Let go! Is also something I remind myself each day; I often find myself hanging on, even though I don’t want to. I’ve been saying this for a while now, yet it thrills me each time I repeat it: It’s MY Life, and I’m not going to ignore or forget that any more.
Hence the urgency and restlessness, I guess!

Friendship ‘n Facebook

It seems yesterday’s blog was a good beginning of my exploration of what Friendship means for me. I woke up with ‘information’ rumbling in my 2nd and 3rd chakra and I’m pretty sure it was a result of my pondering last evening. And it continues.
Today I realize I’m really annoyed by Facebook – asking other people to be friends, asking my permission to be included in someone else’s site, feeling wimpy when I don’t fill in all the areas where the site-designers would love me to provide information. I’m not sure what the issue is for ME but it’s more than just not being with it, or feeling too introverted for Facebook’s kind of fun and not really being excited by it’s info-sharing and friend-sharing opportunities. There’s something about the exposure, the structure, the in-my-faceness of it and the connection to my perception of My Friends that’s not mixing well for me.
I joined because I wanted to be able to access Louise’s Facebook sites, and it’s only now that I realize there’s information brewing out of that registration and creation of my account with Fbk and posting my photo etc etc. concoction that I’m getting curious about. I know I can just pull out, I can hide my face so to speak, but I’d rather see where unsettled feeling is leading me. Does my agitation have to do with Facebook at all? Am I still rumbling with the friendship question? Others as reflections of me and trusting myself, and others? Sharing, intimacy? Right now, I’m guessing I won’t write about any insights I gain on Facebook, but who knows.

Rumbling and tumbling with Friendship

A friend suggested I go inside myself and expore what friendship means for me. These are my scratchings, syntax-free and absolutely as they came off my fingertips. If I were to consider/judge what I've written and edit, try to make it more readable, less confusing, I'd probably chuck the whole thing - and stay silent. It’s been an interesting evening for me. I feel way better now as I push the ‘publish’ button than I did when I started this – it’s been ‘useful’ to recognise my OLD beliefs, values and attitudes (bva’s) that still drive my bus far too often/much. See them pop out on the page. Old fears. Old habits. Even though I KNOW it's a quantum/holographic universe, I still fall into old well-worn pattern(s) of thought; hopefully not for much longer. They're getting in my way.

What’s friendship for ME?
A nominalization: for the energy flowing between two people which connects them with a warm, trusting, accepting, stimulating and supporting bond. No room for power or force, no victim/victor; it’s voluntary, and mutual; it’s open-ended. In friendship, there is possibility for any/every emotion to surface. Friendships can last a lifetime, or be of whatever length of time that the energy is maintained. Friendships can ebb and flow. Friendships can change in intensity.
It’s a continuum with acquaintance/casual friend at one end and really good, close friend at the other. The difference? Degrees of acceptance and intimacy. Areas of mutual interest and similar outlook and perceptions of the world are often present, more so with ‘good friends’; friendship between me and people with quite different bva’s and ways of living? – not so deep/close, but there is still a bond/attraction/energetic connection.
Love? Exists towards the ‘good friend’ end of the continuum, before that there is merely interest and curiosity and resonance, and increasingly along the continuum: affection and a sense of closeness, stronger energetic ‘sparks’.
Requirements: respect, acceptance, openness, truthfulness, trust.

Am I my own friend?

Starting again. Where am I, inside, on this – all those lines/thoughts seem too ‘from my head’. Go inside! It's a feeling in my 4th. Not a good feeling there, norin my 2nd. So what are my bva’s re friendships right now? – true, meaningful friendships are fragile, not to be taken for granted, can ‘be misused’ if I impose demands - or vice versa; can ‘die’ if either partner in the f’ship breaks trust, betrays, is untruthful.
I feel friendships are precious goods, not to be squandered or harmed. Why? Without them my life would lose much of it’s shine. Is this true? am I just saying this? Why are friendships valuable? Compared to lots of people, I have few real friends, I can count them on my fingers (and toes, maybe) - but boy, do I ever value those friends. I LIKE/LOVE them. Do I NEED them?
Friends are reflections of some part of myself – I need them to see/hear/sense myself. Is that it?
On my own, I’m scared of – what? Not being able to ‘find’ myself, my edges, my depth? Not being able to keep myself interested – in my life?
If I had no friends . . . I’d find friends. Is this true? or would I go into a deep mode of feeling sorry for myself etc. and self-loathing etc. Why do my friends like me? stay 'with' me? what'd it be like without them? Certainly there's a part of me that fears losing them.

Standing alone – yes, I do, I can. So where do friends come into it? To play with, to reflect off of, to exchange with, to give and take with, to laugh and cry with. Even while I stand alone, and he/she stands alone. And yet we can be together too. Hmmmm.

Luxuriating in a friendship, trusting it; a possibility for me? Or am I always worrying that it’s fragile and a scarce commodity. Is it the friendship that’s vulnerable, or me and my sense of self-worth that's vulnerable? NO wonder I am fearful, can't let down my guard. Don't relax and fully enjoy.

To love someone else I have to love myself. To be a friend with someone, I have to be able to be my own friend. I know this; heard it often enough.

In a Quantum Universe, it’s not so complicated, not so scary.
He/she is a part of me, it's a holograph, I am him/her. So when my friends are me – how come I consider friendship to be such a fragile thing . . . ? something to guard and protect?
It’s because I’m ‘forgetting that it’s a quantum/holographic universe; I’m standing in a scarcity/danger position. I’m not trusting myself, and I’m underestimating the other’s ability to be ok, set their boundaries, fend for themselves – cuz they’re me and I underestimate myself. I'm fearful of imposing, of abusing the gift of friendship. Ultimately, I'm not sure I deserve it. I'm keeping myself small by keeping myself victim to these fears.
If/when I remember what I am and I stand in my own power, then my friends stand in theirs, and everything about Friendship changes for me. And the friendship can just be what it is, I don't have to guard, protect (control?!) or be fearful of it; it will develop and deepen, or not . . . not dangerously, just however it does. There is abundance in this world and a friendship is a safe ‘place’ – until it isn’t a friendship any more because for some reason the connection breaks/fizzles/disappears. The friendship/relationship ends; and I DON"T.

YuuuuHuuuu

I’ve been back in Ottawa for almost 2 weeks – why haven’t I written here yet?
And why did I gravitate to the laptop now instead of grabbing my book, as I thought I would when I dried my hands and left the kitchen with a cup of tea? I’ve too many thoughts rumbling around, and no idea where to start writing. Part of ‘not writing yet’ has to do with a belief that before I can blog I have to have my thoughts clear and figured out, so they’ll look good in print. Anything else is journaling, talking out loud, rambling – and somewhere in me is a belief that I shouldn’t do that in public. After all, I might be boring the reader, or expose the mundaneness of my thought patterns – or both, and more.

If I stick with this belief-ridden conversation for a moment and don’t just brush it off because it’s getting uncomfortable, I see in what I’ve just written that I’m assuming that there will be judgemental readers with no self-preservation skills (is it my job to save her/him from boredom?); and that I have expectations of my ‘writing’ –that it should meet a standard; only then will I consider it worthy of being posted on the blogsite. What does this say about me? Lots. I’m reminding myself of my life-long effort to appear ‘smart’ or at least ‘interesting’ and of the corollary, my dislike of feeling stupid. I see my presupposition that others will be judging me (not just reading me with an open mind and heart) and its corollary: my desire to be accepted, included, not rejected.

I guess THIS is why I was drawn to blogging tonight – I guess I wanted to remind myself of aspects that are a part of me, habits and thought patterns that I developed because they were intelligent for me. And to make me aware again that these are not serving me any more, that they are keeping me small and silent, and goddammit, remind me that I actually KNOW that that’s not who/what I’m going to be any more. But old thought patterns come alive again when/if I’m not paying attention.

So, moving on from that, what leaps to mind to write about now is the image from one of the discussions that came up at Sheila’s group yesterday: Women in Powerful Conversations. In it, I am peeking out from behind a wall. What I see now, after the session yesterday, is that while I know much more clearly what I do NOT want to do, believe, fear, think any more, it’s only a first step and yet I’ve been hiding behind it, not moving forward and exploring all, or even just some of the possibilities that I’m gradually starting to realize that I DO want to create in my life.
As I write, I realize I’m again falling into my own trap of being hard on myself. In fact I HAVE made some big steps toward creating something more meaningful for me; I’m often amazed, astounded, thrilled and proud of the changes around me and in me. And I know I am not only the person playing hide and seek with myself, I am also an explorer – albeit a cautious and confused one. An explorer in hiding – now there’s an oxymoron!

The image of ‘hiding behind what I know I don’t want’ resonated with me for a good reason yesterday, I am sure, and I’m going to stay with some of the questions it raises for a while and see how powerful they might be. Actually, it’s not the questions that will be potent, it’s the feeling I have now in my body that speaks of fire and curiosity and movement. I’ve been hiding because I want to know what’s around the corner before venturing forth. It’s not a new awareness, this knowing that I ‘need to know’, but by creating opportunities to repeat it to myself often, and again here, I’m getting closer to actually accepting ‘not knowing’. It’s becoming increasingly clear (and the intensity in my body right now makes me realize I’m on to something relevant for me here!) that I will not, and cannot know what’s around the corner until I go there. Peeking isn’t enough, it doesn’t get me there. And there’s nobody stopping me from emerging into the open but myself; that’s clear too.
I’ll stay with my fire, curiosity and movement, enjoy them, and see where they take me.