Where to start, six weeks later? Here.

Friday, December 7, 2007

It’s been a wonderful week at Oceanstone; and Louise’s blog on Dec. 6 (http://www.louiselebrun.blogspot.com) captures the intensity and the scope of the discussions we’ve had during the Whispers from Within writing retreat (http://www.wel-systems.com/programs/WR.htm ). In fact, none in the group has written extensively – but that’s not the point; writing was to be a tool to elicit and shape unformulated thoughts and give them expression and voice. New, hidden or untapped thoughts have gurgled and hissed, popped and splashed into the program room even without the help of pens and paper and the impact of the week has been huge for me. I can’t articulate more about it now – it’s all too fresh, too big and too wide to have clarity, and adequate words are escaping me.

Since my last blog a great deal of time has past, and a huge shift in my self-awareness now starts to feel ‘normal’ and no longer revolutionary and destabilizing. My new footing began to take hold during my two weeks in Portugal when I was with Gwen McCauley on a painting program she aptly labeled “Feeding the Muse’ (http://www.ouicoach.com/wor_creativity.html) And the momentum of the shift in my awareness and awakeness has accelerated for me this week. The ‘space’ I’m in now feels more intense and vibrant; I feel stronger and far more ‘at cause’ than I can ever remember – even if I allow for the ‘halo effect’ of a freshly completed experience. I feel enlivened and exhilarated and it’s a wonderful way to end a long week.

I don’t think a summary of my ‘journey’ over the last month is possible – how could I get it all together, let alone briefly? Maybe it’s ‘more useful’ for me to declare where I am today: to state that my life feels immensely different because I now know for certain that I matter in my life, that MY choices are defining my life, and that this important and empowering knowledge is now in my body, not just me ‘head’ and that it’s making a huge difference to everything I think, say and do. I am aware today that I will make choices now from a different base: with consideration of what holds meaning for me and allows me to be truthful to myself, and my guiding ‘principle’ is ME, MY intentions, MY hopes and dreams, my inspiration(s). It sounds very self –ish, doesn’t it! And it is; other people who’ve ‘enjoyed’ my kind of upbringing will be wringing their hand in dismay (or wailing and gnashing their teeth) because I’m breaking out into thoroughly forbidden territory: I’m putting me/myself/moi at the centre of my life and I’m going to be living knowing that every moment counts, every choice, every step I take. Matters to me, and matters to the universe because my energetic expression is part of all that’s around us. A tiny part of all that is, I’ll admit, but not insignificant!

I’ll head home on Sunday, and I’m keen to see how this new ME I’ve described moves through my ‘real’ world, my daily life – away from the immense safety of the program room and familiar, fellow Whisperers. I will pay attention to how it feels inside, and how changes occur when I stay true to myself, go for/choose ‘impact over nice’ – to use Louise’s words from her blog. By choosing actions and activities that hold meaning for me, and by surrounding myself and/or discovering people who, to quote Louise again, “are massive in their potential, strong in voice and shameless in their willingness to wrap their hands around what they want and engage”, I am aware that my life will be very different. That thought used to frighten me; now it’s an invitation to discover, experience and enjoy.
So stay tuned: Over the longer term because my ‘hopes and dreams and inspirations’ that I alluded to (above) intrigue and excite me; and right now, I have NO shape or form to give to them. In the more immediate future, I’m going to learn how to include photos on this blog. There are several shots from last month in Portugal that I want to share because they are an expression of me, of shapes and scenes that excited me that I captured in colour instead of words. So it’s tempting to include them here. After all: I’m here, blogging, expressing myself out loud in any way that works. Works for ME, that is!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Three days since writing the piece above, the wonderful Ideas Festival (http://anneberube.blogspot.com/2007/10/ideas-festival.html) is still flashing up in my mind with scenes, sounds, conversations, thoughts and people that I hope will stay alive and vibrant in me, and the first day back home is under my belt. I have found myself reacting to people and situations differently and sense that I am living from a ‘new’ space within me today. I can’t describe it, but what I wrote on Friday gives an idea of what I’m experiencing; I noticed myself taking a self-ish approach to choosing, to answering, to deciding, to suggesting. It’s MY life! popped to mind frequently, like a tune that I can’t stop humming – only this one doesn’t drive me crazy. Quite the opposite.

Yet – the paradox is striking – while I’m focused on being selfish and practicing the art of ‘checking in with myself’ for guidance (and not basing my choices on the expectations or opinions of others – to state this in clearer terms, just in case!) I’m simultaneously aware of how I am more appreciative and aware, more loving of others around me. It’s a fairly recent development, and I’ll be honest, and I don’t find everybody loveable, not yet, at least! So much of my life I have been fearful of others. My perception/attitude was !watch out or I’ll get hurt! – clearly a severely limiting belief. I am learning to see ‘people’ more clearly as unique and wonderful, as reflections of me in some ways, and I sense a connection in a larger sense: others aren’t forces to contend with but they are godforces to grow with. It’s as if, by seeing myself more clearly, by accepting/valuing myself and allowing myself to make MY choices, I am simultaneously creating a more welcoming/trusting space on MY holodeck and others have more room to play. It’s the abundance-safety discussion from another angle; and probably there will be many more angles of it for me to wake up to. Thankfully I am actively, rapidly moving away from my previously firmly held position at the danger/scarcity end of the continuum.

Over the Festival Weekend, I was surrounded by hugely alive, appealing and interesting people, both the participants and the presenters, each with an amazing ability and willingness to let me see them. I surprised myself when I realized the extent of the love and caring I felt for this group; tears flowed – wonderment about my depth of feeling.

The penny dropped last night that while much of my attraction to the festival presenters was their openness, it was also hugely influenced by my admiration for them: they had all created something visible/audible/tangible; they had come bearing gifts that they had created from within themselves that expressed who they are. And I had come empty-handed. A third chakra “NO MORE” welled up inside me at this realization. Watching others with admiration as they express themselves, feeling ok about myself by piggy-backing on others’ creativity and imagination is not working; it is NOT enough for me any more. The time has come for me to really hear those truthful roars that come from deep inside me and act on them. I know that now.

New Dance Tune(s)

Are YOU wondering how my self-initiated, giving myself permission to play is going? Well, two weeks later and I’m starting to wonder too.
The ‘facts: I spent one day-and-a-half ‘painting’, and I enjoyed the process a lot. I was focused and calm and ‘into it’; the results are not overwhelming and that’s ok. I look at them and remember the enjoyment I had in creating the colours and shapes. Besides that I have had some spurts of journaling or blogging and I shot a few photos.
The 'concerns': I’ve found numerous reasons to not play, or to half-play and I’m wondering what’s up. For instance I’ve just come back from a 3-hour photography course – interesting, fun, and certainly a form of procrastination if ‘results’ are part of this. And/but if growing and learning are part of playing, then of course, this falls within the project’s guidelines so I can pat myself on the back. Is that the point? And anyway, then what?

Lots of questions buzz within me. Do I feel guilty? What’s playing anyway? Did I give myself permission to do what I want to do, to do it consciously, or was ‘the project’ to actually sit down and paint/write/shoot photos? Is it that I have nothing to show for my two weeks of allowed-to-play-to-my-heart’s-content that is in my awareness (worries me is too strong a term) or is it that it didn’t feel like work? or what? And what good would it do if I could answer all of these? None.
I basically KNOW that I should just let go of all these perceived dilemmas, and that ALL of this mind-teasing, question posing game is another form of hiding, avoiding exploring deeper within myself; it’s a form of teasing myself. I’m only thinking about living when I do this.
Am I really into self-torture and slow, slow incremental change? Why did I create this little project BOX for myself? To give myself something to squeeze myself into (again!)? Even tho I purposely left most issues open-ended, the fact that I drew up 'a project' in the first place means I've set a framework for me to stay within. Is that useful? NO. Possibly it felt safe. And that's not useful in the long run either. I've done safe. But I seem to still search for it, when/if I'm not awake. Safe lures me back into my coma. Or maybe it's my coma that draws me back to searching for safe. Yet I know that safe isn't safe for me; I've had it with safe - intellectually at least; maybe my body is still growing into this awareness?

At times in the last two weeks, I did give myself full permission to let my body lead me . . . with the result that last weekend I dissolved into movements and waves. And other days I was anally organizational (sorting my winter clothes; buying a practical container for my paints and brushes so that setting up to paint is much easier now). All useful, but I was putting off actually ‘playing’ fully, creatively, whole-heartedly. And then there’s the day or two where I saw friends over coffee, or time spent pondering on the phone. Was I mindfully living and letting energy flow, or were these 'wasting time' or old habituated actions (safe ones) that I reverted back into because I’m scared of focusing myself to actually attempt to create something that’s meaningful to me, of stepping into the void?
Or are these also forms of explorations and growth, of inviting whispers from my silent places to gain their voice, and of 'letting things unfold' without a plan-of-action to refer to? And am I just falling back into my well-honed talent of beating up on myself, making things more complicated than they need be – in fact: tripping over myself?
And I think I know that THIS answer is a big yes!

And as it happens, the theme of be gentle, ease up, have some compassion with myself! has come up so often in various ways this week it’s now almost a throbbing in my head. When it first came to my awareness I dissolved into tears and movement, there was such a strong resonance. Now, it feel more like a helpful reminder, a welcome nudge – albeit a strong one. And it’s got some rhythm.
Anita’s blog today mentions it in terms of The Overachiever. Her blog reminds me that a healthy dose of humour would be helpful too – in fact, I realize, there’s lots of resonance here for me - and not just for the ‘achievement’ issue! I’ll let lighten up! throb alongside the ease up! message this coming week . . . the tune will be quite catchy and - if I let it, it'll stick with me and set a lighter tone for ME 'n MySelf to dance to - all signals bopping brightly.

No answers; new story

I've been following Louise’s blogs this week with even more interest than usual (Is that possible!?) - remembering my week in June, wishing I were in Oceanstone again now AND knowing I'm also glad to be here and just living their “Leadership Redefined” week vicariously. I also feel that 'leadership' is the wrong word; Louise has been ‘battling’ this problem for a long time – surely we can solve this. And 'awakeLivingness' just doesn't have the right ring, does it!

So many of Louise's blog-sentences leapt off my screen at me, as reflections of what I experienced then and of what I've been pondering (again) this week - as if I had been in the program room again. And with that comes the welcome realisation that I AM moving forward and not merely repeating things, albeit confusedly. Most of the time, recently, I can say that I HAVE moved into a/the leadership position. (An aside: what’s missing is any idea of where my leadership might lead. I ‘know’ that this shouldn’t worry me, but it’s a leap as I used to Need To Know and there’s still some of that in my body, for sure.) I am very aware of huge changes in my bva’s and thoughts about me and my place in this world as a piece of the puzzle. And as a result how I move/act has changed which makes me 'look' tough/hard and impatient at times, and just disinterested at other times - because that's what I am! I’m sometimes put off by the tough/hard me; I too had accepted myself as sweet ‘n smiling because I’d successfully hidden my tough (strong? honest?) side from myself). I'm more familiar with the disinterested/impatient me; I’d known full well that there is that side of me, and that I’d tried to hide it from others. And I sense that my husband's not so keen on any of these traits and feels either regretful, left out and/or defensive, so this sentence of Louise’s rings very relevant today even though I’m not sure where it takes me:
"Before we can find its meaningful expression, we must redefine leadership so that we can live it in ways that do not destroy us and the people we love."

I’m noticing that 'standing alone' - a huge factor in what we’re calling reclaimed leadership, is a lot easier. In fact, standing alone has stated to feel 'normal' and especially when I AM on my own. . . it's the connecting to the 'old' others that's more difficult right now. Especially when I don't have much to show others about who I am becoming (except the impatient toughy). It's as if my (new) less judgemental position, the more letting go- inviting - and - allowing - me doesn't register on their screens - they just see old 'smiling, sweet Lucy' still, I guess! I read this last sentence and I realize now it’s up to me to expose ‘new’ me better so that there’s no doubt, no confusion, about what “others’ see. And as OTHERS are my creations, others are reflections of me etc etc. maybe it’s all about ME not clearly seeing (or believing in?) the ME that I’m becoming? Hmmmm.

Back to what I was going to say, before that holographic universe penny dropped: A huge breakthrough last weekend was when I became aware of how much FEAR of others, and fear of life, in fact of myself was COEXISTING with my love of people, of life and yes, even of myself - and how crazy making this cohabitation is; these are irreconcilable room-mates. It hit me that this is one mighty big mama that is not allowing me to really step into full five-star leadership. And in a flash I knew I could/would rewrite THE STORY of those fears i.e. reclaim a life without those androgenous-baby-fears. Turn the page, start a new story . . . and now, since I recovered from the physical stuff that moved in and through my body, it's been a new, great week.
Maybe by breaking my foot in June, and with my fractured elbow last month, I was trying to point out to myself the double/split life I was leading; that the retardant, fearful me and the awake, expanding me - two powerful energies, were pulling me apart, were tripping me up, stopping me in my tracks, holding me back. Certainly, since last weekend, by realizing I can start a new story, I feel whole-er, and less torn in two. And I think my healing bones ache less too.

Those old fears could, I suppose, try to come back to haunt me. I will really try to remember that I’m NOT writing a ghost story this time ‘round.
In this current story so far, I’ve been frequently impatient, openly disinterested, and quick to say no even when yes would have been nicer and easier. And that’s probably why my story WILL evolve into one of creating/recognising opportunities for myself for growth and nourishment and excitement – who wants to read about impatience and boredom? Not me. And I’m the author (leader?), so I get to choose.

Surprises

I really really liked my holodeck this evening. I found it stimulating, warm, inclusive and the topic at hand was very relevant. And if it’s a holographic universe etc etc, . . . then I created this! That’s still a hard one to get my head around. I’m going to stick with it, to get curious about all that I can learn from this evening’s experience as I sense it was important and timely.

Although content is unimportant, I will go there – at least to let you know what lit me up and what still glows in me. I was at the AGM of a great non-governmental organization that . . . aaagh, too much content so here’s the url: www.usc-canada.org
I’ve been involved with USC for about 15 years as a (volunteer) board member and supporter so I expected that the room would hold many friends and acquaintances as well as a few others who would be ‘linked’ to me through our shared interest in USC.

What I found was exactly that, and more. Some of my old friends and USC staff members seemed truly glad to see me again (something that still surprises me); some of the unknowns turned out to be interesting, engaged men and women who held my attention and aroused my curiosity (I don’t usually take to random ‘new’ people quickly). Two women who made presentations about smallholder farming issues in Southeast Asia and Wakefield Quebec focusing on food security and women, were especially riveting. I think it is their strong sense of self-worth and their eagerness to share their experiences and ideas and readiness to expose themselves honestly that excites me. They were engaging and inspiring, even though they were just being the way they are: engaged and inspired; no show, no drama, no nervousness. They let me see them; and I saw strong, wise and vibrant women who are making a difference, who make choices, who are enjoying what they do.
I’m aware that, in a holographic universe, they are reflections of part(s) of me – and I’m thrilled and amazed at the same time because it’s not a reflection of me that I see often or that I would instantly recognise. I’m going to start keeping my eyes open – keep myself open, in fact. I’m grateful to these young women for showing me so much. To think that this was MY holodeck!

I’m also aware that I was ‘different’ tonight: more interested in approaching new people, less protective of myself – as if I emerged from behind my shadow. Outwardly I think I presented myself as usual (quiet, smiling and polite) but inwardly I was definitely more aware, more alive. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of BEING aware and alive tonight – and, tee hee: I hadn’t even planned it! Things evolve as they should, eh?

To think that this was MY holodeck! Can I do this every day? How good do I want it?! Because, after all, it IS my holodeck, isn’t it.

Plunging into my void? or stepping into my mini-void?

I’ve been back from Europe for two weeks now, and feel HERE again at last. I don’t do the transition easily, I’m learning – and especially not when I return with a very swollen, painful left elbow that I hurt when I tripped on the sidewalk in Belgium. Clearly, I’m inviting myself to consider where I’m going, what ground I’m standing on and how safe I am – my elbow is in addition to the swelling and some pain from my foot injury of four months ago which still linger. The timing, locations and nature of my fractures (I had x-rays this week so the doctor can now understand and label it), and the protracted swelling and bruising as well as my resulting limited mobility and flexibility are interesting to ponder; the CODE model certainly has been a useful tool. I have no firm answers and I’m slowly learning to accept that; I rumble and breathe with the wisps of insights I’m gaining as I recover and go forward.
I had a great conversation with Gwen last week, after which my confusion probably increased but so did my determination to ‘stick with the tough questions’ and not let the invitations my body is giving me go unnoticed. What I certainly came away with was a clearer (!?!) awareness that I am creating my world, my own illusion, and many questions that arise about what of my creation is still serving me and which aspects do I want to change. Because I have no idea of what changing what I’ve created i.e. my holodeck might really mean, I peer into a void and it’s pretty daunting (especially for me: I have valued ‘knowing’ and have preferred taking a safe route). What I DO know is that the choice to continue to not explore who I am and to hide and/or silence myself (safe as it WAS) now seems terrible (it’s really not serving me any more, I’m constantly tripping over myself) so the terror of the void becomes a real choice whereas before it was an impossible thought to consider. The void becomes acceptable on good days when I am full of trust in myself, fully aware of mySelf as a force that is guiding me and Not Knowing seems like an opportunity to explore. (I recently had a dream of walking along, it was me as a child, and I was being led by the hand by what was clearly (!?) mySelf; it is a wonderful vision to keep actively in my mind). But there are many days when I get caught up in the boxes and patterns that seem ‘normal’ and when putting one foot in front of the other becomes a mindless, circular path within the known confines of my world, instead of an awake-and-aware path that expands my horizons (albeit in an unknown, a void). And on those days, I sense restlessness, agitation, or lethargy – which I read as warning signals now.
Yesterday, I played with getting more concrete about ‘taking action’ on jumping into a void. A mini-void, maybe, as it seems ‘safe’ in this context (see below). The idea of mini-void makes me giggle at my consistency – my life-long pattern of avoiding risk. Am I now stepping back from taking a really committed transformational plunge , or am I actually plunging and just labeling it in a way so I can stomach the sweeps and lurches?
Certainly I have no idea what entering/plunging into the void will mean for my holodeck, and I also know that it will change lots. At any rate, my cautiously outrageous proposal is giving me a sense of excitement and adventure about next week – and that’s a great start! Because applying for funding and disbursing grant money has been one aspect of my activities (is ‘my activities’ synonymous with ‘my life’? hmmm; I'm observing what I write eh?!) for the last twenty years, it seemed like an appropriate was to frame my declaration to myself – and then allow myself some leeway with the norm. I found myself giggling as I wrote it, and I take that as a message that I might be on to something. New ground, a new footing? Who knows.

PROJECT PROPOSAL:

Title: PERMISSION TO EXPRESS MYSELF

Project Background:
There’s an increasingly strong agitation from within me that hints at a need to say something.
By giving myself full permission to play, to create, to dream and to discover, I will be better able to address my apparent desire to express myself out loud, on paper, and however else seems called for. Until now, I have chosen to postpone or prevent action, but I am aware that my inaction is affecting my health/wellbeing and am now determined to cease creating ‘reasons’ for postponing what I know I want to explore. Until now, I have been fearful of having nothing to say, and/or of not producing ‘work’ that I can stand behind. (This speaks to my fear of meeting my own expectations as well as those of others). And I have considered that spending a lot of time jotting down ‘ideas’ and/or playing with ‘art’ would be a luxury, frivolous, and therefore not on. (This speaks to my need to appear ‘useful’ and ‘contributing’; as well to as my belief that to create a painting, a ‘real’ photograph or to write, one has to be creative, an artist, be artistic etc. etc. And I held the belief that I was none of these.) I now realize how influenced I have been by the opinions of others, and my perceived inadequacies; and that my sense of self was tied to the roles that I’ve taken on and has undermined expressing myself.
There is a feeling of urgency now in my body; I’m hearing a cry from within that tells me I must really focus on exploring and discovering ways to express myself . By mucking about with my camera, my paints, my words and anything else that comes into my awareness, I intend to discover whatever is begging from within me to be expressed, voiced, formed, aired, explored and allow it to expand and develop.

Project Description:
I will allow and encourage myself to play. (‘Play’ will be code for: paint, write, shoot, photoshop, engage with others in meaningful conversations – maybe even cook! and any other ways of expressing something/myself that might evolve as the explorations advance.) I will not create situations for myself that seem ‘more important’ – i.e. reasons that make me think that I can’t allow myself to play. i.e. I will not revert back to the old strategy of ‘dealing with my (perceived) responsibilities and duties’ and thinking that that ok and even correct.
The amount of time I allow myself to play will be left open, and it will be a significant portion of each week. I will not set a timeframe or a daily schedule as I want to stay open to surprises and discoveries about myself, my habits, need to schedules etc. and I give myself permission to change any habits, rules or plans about ‘play time’.

Outcome:
Innumerable photos, paintings and writen pieces. Many fun and stimulating conversations - often with nothing to ‘show’ after but lots to feel and ponder.
Stimulation and challenges, ideas and laughter will nourish me and will be stored in my body. Ultimately, all the feelings I experience within myself as I carry out the project, and the insights I gain about myself and my discoveries and explorations will be the meaningful ‘results’. I will become comfortable giving myself full permission, and ‘creating’ and expressing myself will become extremely playful and more ‘natural’.

At some point, I will choose 10 photos, 10 paintings, 10 written pieces, and 10 surprises (about which I am most curious and eager) that I feel good about and/or that expose ‘stuff’ from inside, and/or are evidence for me that I’m alive and expanding. I don’t know how I’ll ‘package’ them – that’ll be part of the exploration – and I’ll present them to all/any friends who have supported me unconditionally in this project and who are willing to be part of a celebration with me.


Budget:
I give myself full permission to spend money on paint, art materials, paper, frames, and other costs incurred in the process of playing. Because I already have what I need to get started, this question will also be onc of discovery as I go along: how generous can I be with myself? I permit myself to ‘think big’ beyond the current confines of my imagination and not let frugality determine the scope of my play.
Included in the budget is an undetermined amount for a celebration.

Outside Evaluation:
Not appropriate; meaningless.
This project will be amazing because I give myself full permission to make it wonderful and full of wonder, and ‘it will unfold as it should’.

Phase II:
Bigger, even more open-ended.

In transit

If I consider myself ‘back’ – what does that mean? That I’m home and thus where I really belong? That the cottage is not ‘home’? That on all our trips, I’m more than ‘away’ or ‘outta town’ – that I’m gone?
Yes, it feels excellent to be settling in to the apartment again and it feels like home here. But so does the cottage once I’ve settled in there. And our trips are generally not adventures; we repeat familiar routes to visit family or good friends, albeit spending our nights in hotels and living out of a suitcase. So these trips are rarely exploring new territory; they almost feel like an extension of being at ‘home’ if you take a less literal view of the term. So yes, I’m gone (i.e. I’m not in this principal residence, as the tax office calls it) but I’m not far away either, I take ME along; and I come back different each time. But changing from who I am (who I think I am) in the morning happens every day, every hour of each day no matter where I am.

So what’s my point?

I’m not sure. Maybe that I feel in transition, in more ways than just geographically and that I’m getting curious about the feeling, and I’m looking at my well-trodden paths and the yearly calendar, and what staying in one place for an extended period might feel like, and what I’d miss if I didn’t hop around so much.
Am I being pulled in these directions by some purpose, or am I in a rut, or am I running away from something? What’s it mean to ‘be gone’ ? Is ‘home’ where I am when I’m alive and awake and is the actual location important? Except for the expense and inconvenience of packing up and/or closing down, and the long waiting periods at security, airports and car rentals, why not be me, alive and awake, somewhere else than ‘at home’?

It’s clear to me that the downside of being away is that I don’t get time to bite my teeth into anything (anywhere), and I’m sensing that I find it frustrating – in the abstract at least. But/and I know I’m kidding myself (I’m back on the Am I Being Honest WITH MYSELF!? theme again). I’m aware that I’ve not allowed myself to really focus on the opportunity costs of being away so much in terms of What I’d Do/Be if I stayed here more. I’ve let myself sleep. Maybe that’s my point.

It is and I am an Emerging Future and I’m the one that’s holding myself back. If I’d stop thinking about what I might do (thinking about living) and let my higherSelf connect with my body, it’d be a start! Inviting and allowing, boldly (!) and courageously (!).
It’s also time to Dream, even to Dream Big; to give myself permission to break out of my box(es); to let myself be tempted and to trust mySelf to know when to bite. And to see where it takes me (here at home, or away again?! or both).

I know I’ve been at this point before; and that judging myself for being back at the starting gate again is pointless. I’ll take a deep breath and know that there’s no time like NOW to take off again, afresh!

This ‘what AM I doing!?’ topic seems urgent to me today because we’re flying to Europe at the end of the week to visit family and old friends again. If all goes as planned it’s going to be an easy, familiar trip and I’ll have lots of time to let this conversation rumble inside. Dreaming is unfamiliar territory but I’ll see if I can’t GO THERE while I’m gone. Recently, nobody has stopped me from booking that trip recently – nothing, and nobody except myself.

Yesterday

Driving yesterday, I listened to Margaret Visser’s CBC Massey Lectures “Beyond Fate’ that had fascinating discussions on time and space that seemed meant for me after my musings the day before. I have had these recorded lectures on my shelf for 2 years – how come I chose to listen to them yesterday?! Syncronicity at work! The rest of the innumerable topics she touches on were mind-stretching too and I was very aware how much I love to have my intellect tickled and nudged. Margaret’s accent made me giggle, it seems so exaggerated and from another time and place (the Commonwealth of my youth, maybe). And her thoughts and thought-processes made me sit up straight and quiver with delight.

Yesterday’s birthday-celebration over asian lunch in Montreal with my the two ‘ol buddies (whom I wrote about on Tuesday) was less ‘intellectual’ but was nonetheless as mind-stretching, vibrant and energizing as Visser’s tickling had been. I felt comfy and ‘safe’, very welcome and totally accepted ‘as is’. With the result that I could be ME and enjoy the companionship and yes, invite and allow aloha-like. It happens more often now, and I’m grateful whenever it does.

Yesterday, there didn’t seem to be any ‘need’ or reason to tell S. And J. about my blogsite. After blogging about them on Tuesday I had realized that, in fact, I do feel ‘decloaked’ with them and I know that when the topic is relevant that I WILL give them my url and tell them what blogging means for me as part of the Wel-Systems community. For now, it doesn’t seem like something I want to switch the conversation towards in order to let them know that I’m a blogger; it seems to be making too much of a deal about it. When I do want to, I’m confident that I’ll manifest the opportune occasion. For now, it seems enough for me to know that I’m happy to be a blogger, and it doesn’t feel dishonest if I don’t tell them about this part of my life..
Hmmmm. I’m belabouring this point, aren’t I?? Maybe there’s more behind this than I’m willing to be honest WITH MYSELF about . . . Maybe I’ll just email them my url and end this conversation with myself!

Back to yesterday – after all, that’s my topic!
When I arrived at the cottage after roadrunning through the Quebec landscape (lunch was en route), the scene was glorious. The weather was still hot and summery, the landscape was green and luscious, the smells were late-summer fragrant, and Stefan was happily drafting a house – a project which he’s enjoying. I was glad to be there.

Our evening disintegrated into a dumb, familiar contest of ‘who’s right’ and ‘why did I insist’ etc which I regretted. After we’d each retreated to our own corners on the ring and called a truce, I started to contemplate that I had created the ‘scene’ for a reason, that every thing unfolds as it should, and in it’s own way, as unpleasant as I’d found the argument, that it would ultimately teach me something more about myself when I let the penny drop. At the very least I’ve discovered another trigger/anchor in my arsenal of conditioned responses that doesn’t serve me any more.

All in all, my holodeck seemed pretty damn wonderful yesterday. And it still does today.
Reading Anita’s blog this morning reminded me that one of MY monsters usually visits with pangs of ‘do I deserve this’ too - and I realized, then, that yesterday my beast stayed away: I was simply receptive, grateful and thrilled; no guilt, no concern for consequences and whether it would last – just an awareness of a wonderful present state.
The prospect that the extinction of this particular monster could become a ‘new normal’ is very, very exciting!

So, yeah! for yesterday, yippeeee! for tomorrow. And for now, I’ll get serious about making the rest of today meaningful too.

Honesty, honestly!

Moving along in a 6-Day mindfulness is interesting . . . for me right now, it’s about being awake, and letting go, and allowing, and not knowing. It’s what I’ve been able to do more or less successfully since Wel-systems, but the ‘new context’ of the 6-Day scenario has added a different dimension; a useful space for me to play with, play in.

My sense of TIME, once again, seems wonky; I’ve had this before, and it’s noticeably strong again now. Some phone calls seem interminable even though they only last 13 minutes. Others seem really quick although they also lasted 13 minutes. (My phone shows me the length of a call, and I’ve started to notice it.) Today flew past, last night seemed long. A fire alarm in the building could be blamed, although standing outside on the sidewalk at I.30 on a balmy August night can’t be called suffering; there was no fire, no problem –except some fault in ‘the system’. What does that mean in, from a Wel-systems perspective? The residents chatted, compared ‘how’s your summer been’ stories and returned to their apartments with friendly ciaou’s or g’nights. I’ve no idea how long we were outside; the sound of the alarm went on ‘forever’ and the exhaust from the 3 firetrucks that stood, engines running, in the middle of the street at-the-ready was annoying (both the smell, the pollution and the waste of fuel) but that’s how ‘the system’ works according to the fire department’s protocols.

Systems seem to be a recurring word/concept for me tonight, don’t they?! And it’s about systems that aren’t ‘working’ for me, isn't it. Hmmmm.

What will tomorrow’s time-frame feel like, I wonder with curiosity, not concern. And will I bump up against other systems? I hope it won’t be the provincial police’s speeder-catching system because I’m going to drive to Montreal to celebrate my very oldest friend’s 60th birthday over lunch with another wonderful ‘old’ friend. I’ve known the birthday-girl since kindergarden; and the third woman at the table has been in my life since I was 10. We don’t feel like the cliché version of 60, or 58 for that matter – unless we look in the mirror, of course. These two ‘girls’ are important/meaningful to me – we talk honestly, openly, and have a lot of fun. They’re supportive, in the abstract, of my ‘journey of discovery’ these last 2 years and they’re interested, in the abstract, about Wel-Systems; we share enthusiasm for some of the reading we have in common. AND I’m very aware that I’ve never told them of my blog . . . so how honest am I? Tears well up, as I write.
In a 6-Day game, what have I got to lose by giving them the URL, I wonder? In ‘real’ life, what do I fear from those whom I consider ‘best friends’. I’m gonna breathe on/around this one! I’m running out of TIME.
Intellectually at least, I want to stop playing games like this with myself and my “good, old friends’. What holds me back? My bva’s! – the one’s I declare irrelevant and history, yesterday? Darn.
As I’ve heard often enough: breathing is good, so I’ll close now and do so, deeply, with no concern for the time I might ‘need’ to process this . . . A wonky sense of time is ok by me and lack of honesty with myself and those I love isn’t – any more.
Ciaou; g’night.

Living as if

Has anyone else been tempted by Louise’s question in her recent blog (http://www.louiselebrun.blogspot.com/) : What if I would have only 6 days left to live? On the drive back from the cottage I started wondering what that might mean for me,

Within seconds, the landscape became brighter, the scenery, cloud formations and plays of light on the hills and fields were enchantingly beautiful - although an hour later the smog over Montreal’s downtown core was an unavoidably, threateningly, dark grey goop. All in all, the intensity heightened within and around me; I was so awake and aware of my immediate environment. It was so amazing to see how easily and fast that happened, just be asking a new question, by changing the context.

Inside my body, lots was going on and my thoughts were flying in all directions. I felt relief mixed with awe because it was, all of a sudden, glaringly apparent to me that my culturally conditioned self, with my beliefs values and attitudes (bva’s), is so totoally irrelevant in a 6 Day Scenario.
Louise blogged about warring religious zealots who might awaken to their ‘investment in misery’. The penny dropped for me when I read her comment that I have been zealously living by, and guarding/defending, my beliefs and values. Not always those of my parents or teachers – many I have rejected or reframed (protest, yes! and yet it’s still the same conversation). But mostly, I have blindly been living my bva’s, out of habit; and believing (that word again!) I must defend/uphold/live by them – maybe as a way of defining myself in my world? It’s been my personal ‘investment in misery’ - my own. I’d never thought of it as misery but as I read Louise’s sentence my stomach contracted tangibly. While the conversation about small boxes and ‘break out of them, Lucy!’ is not new for me any more, I’m intrigued with the effect of bringing in the element of misery that is so connected to, so often a result of zealousness, judgements, defending beliefs, and of the restriction these beliefs and rules impose on movement (by narrowing thought and action). Louise was thinking of wars fought ‘for religion’ around the world, but the word ‘misery’ works for me, locally – I had created my own little war zone!

I see that I’m not able to write coherently about what buzzed in my head yesterday, and still rumbles in me now; yet I feel there’s something worth saying – my agitation tells me so. So I’ll keep going, hoping you, readers, will find some nuggets in all of this!

As I tried to think of ‘what has meaning for me’ in this new context of only 6 days left, there was a rushing panic moving though my body because nothing leapt to mind: I do not have a long-held dream to fulfill. In the past, I have not given myself permission to dream and it seems to be a hard talent to acquire ‘on demand’.

What I did sense, and still do, is a ‘need’ (desire? dream?) to go out with a bang . . . and I’m finding the urgency of ‘only 6 days’ is daunting. This game is focusing my attention – obviously it’s a useful exercise for me!

Since returning to Ottawa, where did “my 6 day game” go? It fizzled. I silenced it, until writing about it now. Why? I remember that as I neared home, I had become bogged down in the difference between asking myself questions about who/what would I BE before the/my bang and what would I DO to create the bang. I had caught a whiff of a sense of my feelings of deep caring and love (in the abstract) . . . and a sense of this ‘game’ is something I’m going to play more with.

As soon as I got off the highway, I hopped right back into my old skin, bva’s and all; habits and patterns; duties and responsibilities. I called Time Out; I didn’t mention my fascination with these thoughts to anyone, and became predictable and practical - and the afternoon lost it’s magic.
Why did I get off the playing field and abandon the game? What am I afraid of? The intensity and urgency that the game started to imply? The fun I was having, just thinking about it? That I might live it, not just think it? Change? Flow?

Monday morning:
I wrote this piece last night and I left it to reread this morning before deciding whether to post it or not.
It’s a glorious morning, the sun and air are clear and refreshing and I’m just back from a walk through the market with a wonderful friend. We chatted about various unconnected things - it is a very pleasant way to begin the day.

In the clear light of This Monday Morning: I notice that I AM actually living as if my personal, misery-making war zone is behind me, history. I am aware that this summer, I have allowed myself to enjoy and accept things, others, and situations without judgement, and that I was –for the most part! – not zealously defensive or combative – and without feeling I’m letting down my team. And as a spin off, I’ve learned that can be more gentle with and accepting of myself, the retired warrior, and it’s ok! I can be happier, more open, more present – and things get easier, not tougher. At this point, I’m not making a bang; it feels more like a little ripple or gurgling noise of a brook . . . I’m ok with that right now - at least it’s audible!

This summer, I was unwilling to accept that others around me were still very ready to see me as the old adversary they knew well – understandable from their point of view, I guess, but not the result I wanted. It’s getting clearer for me: I want to be seen for who I am now, who I am inside – and for that I will have to speak up and out, and . . . yes, not just think about living but actually LIVE as if I only have 6 days more.
On my mark, get set, go!

A Watershed, This Week

My granddaughters and their parents have gone home, new/other visitors have moved on too, and I’m still at the cottage - enjoying the calm again. And I’m packing up the stuff that really belongs in Ottawa that we thought we needed here – but in fact, didn’t. That in itself is a curious-making realization. How much stuff do I think is ‘necessary’ for a ‘successful’ summer only to find out it is not, in fact, imost of it's not been touched all summer. When will I let go of ‘planning for all eventualities’ and thereby avoiding dicey situations; when will I truly trust that it’ll all unfold as it should and when will I truly know that I’ll be FINE withOUT my (cautious) preparations/attention to wee details?! Sooner, not later, I now know.

Looking back on the last nine weeks since my Oceanstone/Leadership-Emerging Futures experience, I see a fuzz of discrete and very varied events. And I remember very distinctly numerous wonderful times spent with Stefan, with both my children and their partners, my grandchildren, some of my family, and a few close friends. And better still, I feel great right now. I know that I’m a different person than I was in June, that the many quite difficult moments/days were at least as important as the frequent glorious, nourishing moments I had alone and the innumerable joyful times I enjoyed being with others.

As I looked at my last blog, the ‘content’ I wrote about seems like history; as does so much of what I focused on this spring and summer in my journal and blogs. How quickly my context changes – especially when I let go! I feel as if all that is now is part of the ‘substance’ which I am and which supports ME as I go forward. It’s not forgotten, nor rejected nor regretted. And what I have gained from it will inform my decisions as I choose where my next foot will land (as I put one foot in front of the other).

The issue of context became so clear to me on several occasions this summer. After several years of being away, I returned to many very familiar spots (the sea-side house of my parents in Maine; the tennis club porch and swimming dock, at the lake nearby; a favorite picnic spot beside a rushing stream in the New Hampshire mountains). Each one was still virtually unchanged and lovely, very evocative of innumerable memories, yet as well, each one seemed totally different to me now. This awareness each time brought home to me quite clearly the choice I have between being in flow/undergoing change and living NOW (me!) and being static and/or anchored/living in the past. While I enjoyed revisiting the sites, and found the memories mostly pleasurable, I am so very glad to notice how ‘done’ those memories are, how distanced I feel to the person I was then. They don’t have a hold on me even though the memories are still part of me. At the same time, I’m fascinated that I can retrieve them vividly - from 'out there' where all information hums. So much to learn! so much to remember!
AND I know that I am much more than those memories and I am to eager to explore what that might mean..

Tonight feels like my context is changing again – I’m ‘moving on’ after eight weeks of:
- playing with, enjoying, learning from and caring for my granddaughters;
- engaging with and learning from my daughter, sometimes through importantly truthful moments and othertimes through watching and listening and recognising parts of me (in her) struggling to emerge and grow;
- learning more about Stefan as he opens up to himself, and entering into conversations with him that feel new and open-ended, and so learning more about myself as well;
- creating an environment that furthers growth, honesty, love and sharing and reduces the well-entrenched minefields of caution, fear and silence interspersed with mixed-messages;
- feeling the huge disappointment and loss of trust in myself when the last mentioned ‘creation’ seemed to be self-destructing;
- regaining my ground and footing afterwards, and realizing that those ‘setbacks’ are important feedback; that I have choices; and that my life unfolds as it should when I give myself permission to invite and allow – without judgement.

That’s a lot of ‘writing’ - for a first blog after several weeks of silence! Once I’m off this green, late-summer hillside and back in the city with reliable e-access, I’ll indulge in more musings. T’won’t be long!
My ‘context’ in a few days, back in my familiar Ottawa surroundings, will contain all of the recent experiences I’ve just described (they’re part of me), and yet the context will feel . . . what? different? new? Can I/Will I create ‘unboxed’ and bigger? expanding and unfolding? How big and how good do I want it?!
I’ll stay awake ‘n aware, and keep ya’ posted.

Growing, Space to Grow

The fact that my cottage dial-up internet “service” is frustrating, slow and totally unreliable hasn’t helped me get back into blogging. But more ‘legitimate’ is this reason: I have been way ahead of my fingers in my thoughts and feelings and each time I think that writing would feel good now, I start breathing and moving and . . . I don’t write anything.

So here I am, many, may days later and still with the urge to write, to state my current truth and aliveness and eagerness to, to . . . GROW . . . that just popped off my fingertips and it fits (glory be! is my higherSelf at the helm!?)
Certainly I’ve been doing just that, and although much of the growing has NOT felt good. (A memory popped: painful leg-cramps when I was a child were explained with “it’s all part of growing” – and how poorly that comforted me even though growing (and growing up) was a goal!). Over the last two weeks, my body has been talking to me in loud, harsh tones – and I’m still processing the experience(s). Through the physical stuff which flattened me so I felt like road-kill for 2 days (the image doesn’t fit perfectly as I was still able to breathe, and relished breathing deeply, knowing that was the way forward), I’ve discovered lots about my 2-3 dances. Thankfully even as I lay there, I knew that I didn’t have to continue dancing them – Now, it’s as if those tunes’ intensity is far less; though the triggers are still there, most times, I notice them now and choose not to run the old strategy. And my body is being gentler with me again; and me with it, grateful that the message was crisp and clear albeit forceful.

And –here’s the best part - I’ve already taken bold and courageous steps (for me!) to state my position and my unwillingness to tolerate or enable the status quo. (This is, I believe, what my body was alerting me to.) ‘Already’ flowed off my fingertips with pleasure as my ‘normal’ or old-me modus vivendi was to put off stating MY standpoint and MY feelings; sometimes I’d go beyond ‘putting off’ to the point of retreating into silence-mode and resentment. I’m not willing to do that any more. And a few people on my holodeck are seeing and hearing it; and I feel very good about my awareness of, and my voice about MY place right now.
I’m exposing my edges! I’m creating my space! And I’m growing as I go.

What was also wonderful to note for me was that I manifested what I needed in ‘physical’ help: caring and open ears listened to me when needed; a calming, energy-balancing massage appointment was available virtually immediately; and so on. I welcomed my body’s messages and I was extremely grateful for the external support which I sensed I needed and could muster simply by voicing my need. I realize that I can trust, trust mySelf to help me, and that there are no accidents!

A propos . . .
My altercation with the mouse-hole at the end of May FELT like a bad accident at the time, that’s sure. And the ‘result’ is still cramping my mobility; and my foot still swells a bit each evening. But as I heal gradually, moving at half-speed through my physical world, I see that I’m taking the time that I need. And I notice some metaphors with enthusiasm. Certainly, I’m on a new footing now with many people in my life and with my bva’s too. I’m finding my ground again in a new environment that I’m creating through voice and deed. I’m walking more consciously/mindfully on the one hand while also allowing my feet to take me at the speed and over terrain that fits my needs. And I feel I’m walking towards . . . who knows where? . . . and that my feet in their own way are helping me get there.

And there’s more I want to say, though where it ‘fits’ in this blog-piece isn’t clear. It’s just clear, and welcome, to me that this is where I am:
At an amazing open-air circus/theater performance at the Bread and Puppet Theatre in Vermont yesterday afternoon, I finally heard what the puppeteers’ve been saying. We’ve been attending their performances and engaging in their issues since the late ‘70s. Each year they expose and present burning issues in the world and especially egregious ‘errors’ being committed by the American government using enormous, beautifully sculpted and symbolically potent puppets and images. They urge, exhort and demand that the audience, we the public, wake up and take a stand. THIS much, I heard and felt each time we were there, and carried it with me long afterwards. Where they then, always, went on to and to which I felt no resonance until yesterday’s performance, was the possibility of going beyond incremental change to transformation through collective intention and action. I realize now that I was not ready to hear it; ‘transformation’ was not registering at all in my consciousness. I would watch the performances, engage emotionally and visually in the pageants, and when it came to the ‘final act’ I would note the victory of good over evil, marvel at the stage set, regret the conflagration which destroyed a wonderfully creative sculptural piece (representing, say, the military industrial complex, or agri-business which devours small-holders). And I was not seeing the enormity of the scope of their message of transformation. Why am I so blown away to I realize what was ‘escaping’ me at each performance? I’m realizing fully how very ok I have been with incremental change – it felt doable, safe, enough, all I could hope for – and thus all I could see. No more! Now though, it’s transformation for me . . . it’s out there as an option that I am now fully aware of, and that I too can make happen! I KNEW this for the first time at “emerging Futures” in June – so it’s perfect that I actually SAW this at the B and P. yesterday. Cool eh? as my five-year old granddaughter might say.

And with that awareness comes my commitment to doing what it takes. Those at Oceanstone in June will remember Louise's careful and clear warning: if x is what is meaningful and what I want, and if it takes a and b and c to get x, but I only do a and b, I will NEVER have x, I’ll have something different. And it’s my choice. At that moment my body understood, and as I write now, the feeling comes back to me: Resolve? Commitment? Desire? Which nominalization to use? Who cares!

When I think back to the days I spent recently feeling like road-kill, I think it was a reminder from my body to “do C” or else. By stopping before C, I’d be letting myself down, selling myself short, repeating what I’ve always done . . . and getting f, not x. This week, C was for choosing, and creating. And they felt and feel good.

Ultimatley, x will make a Big Bang, and I’m gearing up for it; little big bangs are already audible this week . . . and I like the sounds they make! And I really like the space they make which allows me to grow bigger, clearer, edgy-er . . . NOW.

Fear Of and Fear For

Both can be real handicaps in a mother-daughter relationship, and last night the realization that they have been shaping my life since Vicky was born (maybe even since her conception?) rolled through me last night like a tank with all guns firing. I’d often bantered about being scared of Vicky’s reactions – but now I know I wasn’t fooling, I’d only fooled myself enough to be able to bury it for 38 years. After all, I ‘knew’ that children are loveable, not fearful. I’m aware now that Vicky was both, to me.

I feared her moods, her sometimes brutal honesty, and her sharp criticism; they disrupted our illusion of a ‘happy family’, disturbed the equilibrium I sought, and pointed out my/our shortcomings. I see now that if I’d understood those aspects of Vicky as expressions of herself, an authentic self, I could have learned a lot –from her words and by her speaking-her-truth example. I’m aware (now) that her anger, hurt and opinions are hers and to be engaged by her; that I felt ‘under attack’ was my response in my body and had origins in my youth and development, unrelated to Vicky.
It was huge for me to realize last night that in my relationship with Vicky I was working from a base of fear and ‘containment’; I was trying to mitigate, mediate, control situations and outcomes.

And my love for her, and my basic position in the danger/scarcity camp ensured that I was also fearful for her as she was growing up, of course, and well beyond. And my tendency, until starting the Wel-Systems programs almost two years ago, was to try to protect her from anything I perceived to be looming ominously on her horizon. Obviously I couldn’t and didn’t prevent anything – but I nonetheless would advise/warn about something I felt relevant to her ‘safety’, perform tasks to assist her, and so on – well beyond motherly-‘normal’ and necessary. I thought I was acting/thinking out of love, out of caring – with a bit of A Mother’s Responsibility included. And I persisted, even though she has demonstrated a zillion times that she’s extremely capable of looking after herself.

In case the impression I’m giving is of a tormented and unhappy relationship, it isn’t. We have shared innumerable wonderful experiences together, and are sharing the cottage this summer, with enjoyment, ease and mutual respect for each other’s needs and wishes. My ‘original fear’ that our relationship could be as meaningless for me, and for her, as the one between mine and my mother is for me, seems to NOT be the case, thankfully! I definitely feel a strong bond of love and caring. Notwithstanding, we have created a pattern in which we tread very carefully around each other, keep our respective silences and respect each other’s ‘privacy’ with amazing (in retrospect) diligence/caution.

When I woke up this morning after a short but good sleep, I wondered if my memory of the night’s tears and anguish, and attempts to breathe and ride the surf, were imagined. But I know they weren’t – because Vicky sounds and looks quite different to me this morning, and I feel very different. Is there a word for a new-found absence of fear? In my body, it’s close to ‘calm’ and ‘open’ and ‘relieved’.

What this discovery will mean, I don’t know. Once Vicky’s children are in bed tonight, I will tell her over dinner what I’ve learned about myself. If she doesn’t run off screaming, scared as hell by ME, of ME, it could be the beginning of a good conversation. I look forward to it, without fear OF her, or FOR her, or fear of where it might lead.

Just

It’s another day, and I’m enjoying it – enjoying just being me. Jeepers! WHAT is that ‘just’ in my last sentence doing there????? Is that the evidence of an old belief that little ol’ me, Lucy, is not worth being, that being me is a second-rate thing to do? I’m thoroughly shocked at what rolled off my finger tips right now, and sense a constriction in my chest and throat. But I’m glad that I’m aware that I’m noticing it. ‘It” feels like a discrepancy between what I’m feeling/doing and what I just wrote. Is it? Am I kidding myself that I’m seeing myself differently now, that I know and like and am really excited that ‘being me’ is a full time adventure/occupation/career/hobby and nothing to sneeze at or disparage or avoid? And that I’m not little, either.
Breathing is good, and right now, advisable!

. . . . . .


That was a huge movement! And at the end, I started playing with the word ‘just’ – just me, just being me, just right, just terrific . . . What an interesting, benign word in some contexts; and in the context that I construed it at the outset, it was pernicious. Just being me wasn’t ‘exclusively, purely, solely’ as it rolled off my fingers; it was ‘merely’ and somewhat apologetic and belittling. How Interesting, I sobbed to myself!

My father popped to mind as my breathing deepened. HE was a pro at considering himself ‘of lesser value’, and at keeping himself small, quiet and lovable. In fact he considered not standing out nor exposing himself to be ‘worthy’ attributes. He died at 68, having never given himself a chance to shine brightly; he produced wee sparks of life in moments when he felt safe and accepted; he otherwise kept himself small and silent; his friends and family loved him, but probably only knew a tiny part of him. And I grew up, not only to look just like him, but to be like him.

At Oceanstone in June, Amy was using her wonderful Reiki skills on my foot and, on the side (!) was able to sense my father’s presence in the room. It was an unexpected and welcome moment for me then; a first for me. It allowed me to express/feel/engage an enormous sense of grief that I had locked inside my body for thirty years. Over the weeks since then, I’ve been thinking a great deal about our conversation that night, and of my father’s importance in my life. The Emerging Futures conversations had brought home to me clearly that I am no longer willing to, and cannot – for MY sake, ‘keep myself small and puny’. My body knows this. One result of bringing my father’s spirit back into my awareness is that has the intensity and depth of what I’ve ‘signed on to’ grows enormously. It’s almost as if I’m growing more, being more, with him. And I feel my father’s encouragement and even pride that I’m doing what he never allowed himself to do. So it’s as if I have broken out of a shell/box (one with no air nor space to move and grow). There’s no guilt or shame, just a liberation and rejoicing. (Boxes are important parts of many Wel-Systems conversations I've had. Here they are again, today. Onion Layers!)

Having my father along for the ride, and having ‘announced’ my debut to the children this weekend . . . I feel pretty damn great! And big, too. I’m not quite the citizen of the world making a difference (those at the Emerging Futures will recognise the reference), but I see that my days of putting people on pedestals is over, and my days of being a full citizen with a unique and vibrant identity have begun.

So, if I go back to ‘just being me’ – I write the phrase without shock and dismay, now.
On the one hand, I still construe that phrase, as stated that way, as a second-rate occupation AND I feel strongly that it’s my old way of seeing myself. I honestly think those words will not roll off my fingertips again; that I will either drop the word just, or substitute it with really, totally, fully . . . . And soon, I think, I won’t even be writing about the novelty of ‘fully being me’ because it will have become how I move through the world at all times. My ‘roles’ of mother, wife, daughter, efficient woman and so on are losing their edges daily, I’m noticing, and MY true, own edges are feeling brighter and clearer minute by minute.

Blogging helps, but not as much as breathing does!
Both never end up where I think they will at the outset. And that’s so great, or do I mean that's absolutely JUST great?

Welcome Changes

I’m starting to recognise that my days of helping and/or pleasing others in order to give me the illusion of being accepted and necessary are over. I’m actually living differently – most of the time, at least! I’ve started making choices to say no, to ‘book out’ of the scene and do something that is meaningful to me – regardless of whether it’s helpful to the collective, to say yes to impulses even if it means deviating from what I had said I‘d do. It feels bold, strong and good in my body. Last year, under the same circumstances, when/if I acted that way, I’d feel guilty, selfish. Now it just feels like me.

.....……

I have had a hugely meaningful ‘conversation’ with my children. Both were here at the cottage this weekend (and Stefan is in Ottawa for RIA). I knew I wanted to finally say ‘my truth’ to them both, and together. I had no idea how this decloaking would happen, and I can’t even remember now how it actually did unfold. But I know that I was ‘there’, I was present, and what came out was right for the three of us at that time. Up until yesterday, my son was far more aware of my search for more, and of my discoveries. I have been reticent to expose myself to my daughter but I am fully aware that the time is more than ripe, and that I want to be totally honest with her too about who I am becoming. I think, in retrospect that I wanted to have them both together as I already can sense my son’s supportive and interested presence, and felt stronger with him at my side. I learned last evening that I had overdone my concern; my daughter listened actively and I felt her ‘at my side’ as well. I was honest about my new intention to actually live MY life. They could see that I ‘mean business’ about my intention to stay awake to my body, and about allowing myself to voice my thoughts, my feelings and to act on them whenever I have the clarity and impulse. They learned that I would probably be doing many things differently from now on, and they voiced their encouragement. We didn't talk about our love for each other, but I felt it in the room; and I think they did too.

I remember now that I used the following image: up til recently, I’ve been wanting a gin and tonic but I’ve been chicken to pour a strong one, or a large one, for fear of rocking the boat. So I’ve been pouring, or asking others for, tonic over ice and lime, and then I wonder why it’s not satisfying. And other various attempts at moderation and acceptableness, thinking I’d end up with a small, pleasant drink, Obviously, I’ve been mixing a watered-down version, insipid potions and never the real thing. And now I envision a very tall, strong, delicious G&T and I’m discovering how to mix it.
We had a good giggle, partly at how dumb the analogy is, but also, I think, because they had a vision of a new me, bolder and stronger and enlivened. At least, I saw myself that way as we talked, and it felt good - worth a joyful chuckle.

Later last night, and in fact, even now, lots of stuff was/is moving inside me: relief - that I’d chosen to (finally) speak up and out, and that I’m showing that I’m here now and alive in a new way; happiness - as I feel fully visible, and supported and accepted - sensations which are, for me, not insignificant!
And now as I write, I feel amazement that my family is willing to let me explore and grow, and are willing to accompany and support, even encourage me in this. I had underestimated, or misunderstood, them; I feel very grateful, very lucky – even though THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS!

……….

This morning, with the pouring rain outside, I gathered my four granddaughters around the table to paint. Even the three-year-old twins were totally focused and absolutely into the joy of smearing colours onto paper and seeing, and liking, what resulted. The five and seven year olds were more expert at handling their brushes and/but equally happy to create magic and surprise as their little sisters. The little bodies expressed pleasure and joy; their voices were clear and bright. I was learning a lot from them just by being with them, aware of what I was seeing and feeling, and living every minute of it. Not for a second did I wonder “isn’t there more?”

Sensations

I created the space around me for an hour, this morning, to sit and just be, alone on the porch. The temperature, degree of sunshine, smells and silence (except for the 'natural' sounds - sans human intervention) were perfect. And as my breathing got deeper, and the ache in my foot (and extending up my right leg too) became fainter, my mind cleared and my 'understanding' that the moment was a huge one - without boundaries of any kind - was deep and meaningful. Although I don't know what it meant in the sense of KNOWING. And I don't mind that at all any more; I'm grateful for the wonderful feeling of abundance and safety that flowed through my body.
And the afternoon continues merrily, with the sounds of children's voices rejoicing with sound and movement on swings and plastic tractors and all the other props we have here to supplememnt their little legs when they 'need to move through space and experience their own bodies in motion. And the feeling of pleasure and interconnectedness remains in and enlivens MY body as I see aspects of myself reflected in the children carreening around me, each one different and unique, each one wonderful.
And NOW I've got to stop this musing, and get back - off the page into the flow - but this brief moment of writing has felt great. I needed to SAY my thoughts, I guess, and I'm glad I heard my body and migrated over to the computer.

Here and NOW

I've so much to say, after the Emerging Futures - Leasdership program, and after a week of "real life" following the experience in Oceanstone, and now, today, here . . .
But time is NOT abundant for writing. I'm living in the present, choosing and moving; it feels bigger and fuller and it's wonderful. AND I'm going to make time very soon, to enjoy getting some of the whirling sensations that feel so good, into a communicable form to share with y'all.
For now, know my holodeck is rich and vibrant;that you're in my thoughts, and those of you who've blogged after and during the EF days have said lots that I 'could have said' too; and it was/is great to read it, and resonate with it and to continue to be in that space with you which felt so good, so big, so alive.

It just took a second

There’s a nice ring to it: I fell into a mouse hole. Surely it’s the beginning of a good story; and I have no idea about how it will go on from there. And that’s probably my point. Who knows why I just ‘bought myself’ at least two days of serious down-time? And where they will take me? Day one ended with an appropriately beautiful sunset over the hills on the far side of the lake. Our cottage sits on the opposite hill so we get wonderful sunsets, especially in June when the greenery is lush and the shadows are soft.

I’m here for some quiet quality time and to prepare for Summer ‘07 when there’ll be four small turbulent but wonderful grandchildren under this roof. And last evening I changed my ‘plan’ for My Days dramatically by misstepping. Which shows me again that I cannot know what’s ahead, and it’s certainly another invitation to let go and surrender into . . . into whatever. And I’m accepting my mouse-hole shenanigans as that, and enjoying the surprise and ‘not knowing’. I’m somewhat amazed that I’m not furious with myself for being so stupid and careless; and that all the tasks I had set for myself are not worrying me – I trust that they’ll get done eventually, or not.

Minutes before This Event, I’d been very aware of my inner self; I was very conscious of a wonderful feeling of completeness, strength, and joy. In fact, I’d just felt a huge release of tension in my shoulders that I’d welcomed as a letting go of fears – at least that’s what it had felt like. It seemed as if I was launching a huge balloon of blocked energy into the universe for recycling. So, very relaxed and ‘light’ inside, I’d stepped off the porch in order to stroll around the house before going to bed for a good read. But I never got that far.

My parents and caregivers were excellent at warnings: watch out or you’ll hurt yourself, watch where you go etc. It follows that safety from their disapproval, and my own carefulness regarding physical safety, have been important factors in my decisions of how to move through my life. And look at this! I’ve just done the forbidden, and I’m fine. Well, my foot hurts a lot, the swelling is impressive and the inconvenience of being here alone and hobbling painstakingly to and fro – mostly to the fridge to replenish the ice-packs, would seem like most people’s idea of ‘not fine’. It’s mine too, certainly, at one level. But I’ve everything I need here for a few more days, and what’s so bad about NOT being able to walk or drive? I’m aware today that this pain hurts, but that it’s not worse than hurt and that this kind of hurt/pain is not deserving of the fear and behavioural manipulations that I have been awarding it. (Granted if I’d broken my neck as I tumbled, I’d be singing a different song – or none.)

Taking my run-in with the mouse hole as a metaphor for many other perceived ‘dangers’ that I’ve taken pains to avoid or evade in the past, it’s seems like another way of telling myself that lots of the rules, barriers and fears that I have been living with aren’t necessarily valid for me any more. Did I have to sprain my right foot to illustrate this in bold bright colours for me? I guess so. Why did I tumble immediately after feeling the huge release of tension in my back? I don’t’ know, and there are no coincidences . . .
And what else will there for me to learn about myself during my days of ‘recovery’? I’m sure there’ll be lots and I intend to stay open and awake to what’s happening.
Can I ‘move on’ and learn and grow without inviting pain next time? Isn’t there a less dramatic way to gain ‘insights’?
If not, or not now, I’m aware that I welcome the fact that I’m obviously creating something, and it feels like living.

Poppety Pop Pop

My husband, Stefan, is in Russia for two weeks. The lines for our phone calls are so unclear, and the opportunities to call are infrequent that we get to say and comment on the essential stuff and then, by default, there’s space and time afterwards to reflect. In yesterday’s call Stefan was describing the people he spent the day with, and their enthusiastic welcome for him, and his attraction to them, their discussions and who he becomes when he’s there. And then he mentioned where he would spend today, and with whom – other good, warm, kind and appreciative friends. He stated that he’d have to ‘change coats’ as the second group is so different from the first (in profession, income, interests, humour, capacity for alcohol – to list a few). My first thought was Yes, that’s how we move through our life that’s filled with a multiplicity of ‘types’, groups, demands and stages or scenes – we ‘change coats’ to fit in with what the others are ‘wearing’. It works, I’ve done it, I do it well, too. And then, this morning, this penny dropped:

If we’re all interconnected, and if the ‘others’ are my creation and are reflections of me, or parts of me, on my holodeck, I don’t have to change coats and adapt to them. I can just open up and welcome them as different parts of me that I’ve chosen to ‘activate’ and work or play with. “Others” aren’t outside of me, they are in me; we are all of the same fabric. And my coat is more similar to their coat than I’d realized or admitted. So my way of moving through the world which has consisted of me AND them (best scenario), and me against them or them against me (in varying degrees of competition, opposition, resistance, proving myself, trying to stand tall and steady etc.) was Quite Unnecessary! I can perceive them as IN me, as aspects of me, and work/play with them as one team, not as opponents. I’ve spent a lot of time comparing and contrasting myself to others – never realizing that in fact, I was noticing aspects of myself and denying myself the chance to embrace some quality or behaviour, or learn from (in a constructive, not merely judgemental way), to abandon or disassociate myself from what/who seemed to be going in the wrong direction for me (given my BVAs and intention). And for those I wanted to be with, spend time with, attract into my circle, I would change my coat, thinking . . . what? that I’d be different if I didn’t, that I’d stand our and be rejected or ignored? that it’s what’s required by their rules in their world? that I’ll actually BE more like them if I look/act like them? And all the while, ‘they’ are me and I am ‘them’! Wow. I know I ‘learned’ this at ITS; but until today, the hugeness and magnificence and IMPORTANCE for me hadn’t sunk in, inside and throughout me.

Wonderment, again!
LOTS to ponder, and given this new Pop, lots that seems to be shifting radically inside, opening up space for me to be me, coat-free as it were, and just revel in all my colours and styles and lengths and textures that I can expose at will, and where I can see myself more clearly through, and with, ‘others’. (Note to self: coat is a modern cloak, and all I’m saying is DEcloak, Lucy! But this time I see it in a new light. I’m not decloaking in front of others, to be seen or judged (for better for worse etc.). I’m decloaking as coats aren’t necessary in this new world, in my new reality. I’m not going to change ‘em to fit in, I’m going to discard them, for greater transparency. My coats are getting in the way of learning and seeing and being.)

My earlier blog about camouflage and dazzle comes back into my mind. I’m going in circles, I guess, but it feels like I’m getting into richer, denser zones, and I’m really enjoying the ride – wherever it’s heading. I think the pace is quickening, and I’m very ok with NOT putting on the brakes. Untypical for me, if I think back. But why would I? I’m not there, I’m here.

Exuberance is abundant

I think MJ and I are the only two people around here who’re NOT watching the Sens game and cheering like the bejeesus because they’ve scored. The Market is one hub of the celebrations, and it’s a hive of activity. Folks are swarming around . . . just wait ‘til the game’s over! It’ll get outta control below my window! I like being on the edge of the party in this case . . . I never liked the feeling of being a wall-flower as a teen, but I am very ok with not being part of a hockey crowd tonight and merely getting the sounds, and being fully aware of an amazing amount of energy exploding through this overflowing neighbourhood.

I’ve just returned from the Vietnamese Palace with MJ. It was a pleasant evening, relaxed and companionable vibes. Our conversation ranged through all the levels, and from the personal to the general, and it felt good, open, honest, with enough time for both of us, with pauses and distractions and giggles. No real problems to discuss, just updates and insights and questions about invitations and things to get curious about. It felt like a part of an ongoing conversation that will continue and evolve. And there’s no goal, no result, no finite game aspect.
Unlike what’s going on outside . . . judging by the loud eruptions, the Sens must be doing well and the game must be nearing the end as the nervousness and excitement level are mounting; there’s urgency in the air.
MJ and I had none of that - and the openendedness and the lack of hype and time-running-out anguish were very welcome.

So we’re all interconnected, and yet I feel quite separate from the fans – except for the acoustics of course. And how many other close ‘neighbours’ do I have – near and far . . . where there’s a connection that I am totally unaware of even though we’re all part of the same field? Is this part of the ‘thought’ I shared with MJ tonight? Namely, that I’m very aware that in the last month I have met innumerable ‘new’ people who are doing amazing things with and for other people, filled with passion and commitment, who are alive and buzzing and their inner movement /flow is apparent in their body language and their eyes, and evident in the paths they are taking or clearing or forging,
It’s interesting to wonder what the message for me is . . . why have I created the opportunity for these many encounters right now, this month, and what is different from other times when I have had similar encounters with other amazing people. The huge difference is ME. I am aware that these are invitations, big ones for me, to open my eyes and ears to what I wasn’t seeing or hearing before – both around me and more importantly (or empoweringly!) WITHIN me. I realize that each of these ‘models’ has given themselves full permission to dare, to leap, to create; and each is living an adventure he/she has chosen, with all the ups and downs and arounds that are part of such undertakings.

In the past, I felt really excited and impressed but puny and small around these ‘role models’, these amazing people. This time ‘round, I sense that I am waking up to the realization that I also have something to bring to the table (and that I already have a chair there, I’ve just never sat in it) . . . I don’t know where this is going, precisely, but there’s something growing in my inner garden; I’ll just keep watering and clearing out the weeds so that the flowers and veggies have a chance to grow strong and bloom/ripen. Obviously I have told myself for years that I don’t have this capacity – and I don’t have to know why. What is important to me now, tonight as I write, is to keep on putting on foot in front of the other, as Louise is wont to say, and to allow my fertile ground to do it’s stuff – patiently but actively, without fear, nourishing with gentleness and curiosity.

In the meantime, the urgency and drama unfolding on the street and all around the ‘hood tonight are reaching fever pitch. THEY have no fear of things getting ‘out of control’, those hockey fans; they’re inviting it. The police are amassing, ready for mischief, prepared to prevent ‘things going too far’. If I were to pick a character in this play for me to be, to act, who’d I be? – the ‘under-control’ detached observer on the sidelines? the wanna be exuberant following the others not knowing how to scream? the true, loyal supporter, elated with the outcome and going wild? the uniformed and bulletproofed protector and preventer? I guess I’d choose to be the genuine jump up and downer, the cheering whistler . . . and/but it certainly would be a first for me!
What’s wrong with this little mid-game is that the play I’ve chosen to act in isn’t resonating . . . The hockey game, even if it’s the Stanley Cup, just doesn’t do it for me.

But I’ve made my point to myself with the metaphor: in the Theatre of My Choice I’m going to be out there for all to see and hear; and you’re all invited to perform in it with me; I’ll need you, and it’ll be wonderful.
I talk as if this is something still to happen, don’t I? And I realize this is dumb – it IS happening, it just doesn’t look like a recognizable piece of art; yet it’s a creation (albeit still under wraps a lot of the time) . . . and it’s growing daily. And you ARE already performing with me – and I’m really glad of that. The process is exciting, isn’t it?!

The Sens have won tonight, I’m sure of that. The honking of car horns outside is deafening, but absolutely appropriate for the excitement I feel inside, about MY own game. Exuberance is abundant. And there are no coincidences!

Moving ON

Earlier today, I wrote this piece (below) in Word, and tried to post it on my blog (my ex-blog now: http://frominside.wordpress.com) . . . which refused to let me post anything new. Having fully recovered from the shock and awe of rejection, I've opened this new site, on Blogger - with hopes that there will be no blips.
Opening the new site was, in fact, easy - although at registration, all the names I dreamt up for myself have already been taken . . . which shows the predictability of blog names, maybe - and how my own uniqueness (!) is all relative: I tried "words and thoughts'; "in this moment"; "new leaves"; even 'Steppping Stones' wasn't available. And so it's Yippee for me, for the next while. And it seems appropriate for the phase I'm in and that's good too!

Since writing "Choices" this morning, I have found Anita's HUGE post, and love the paradox conversationwhich has rumbled inside me, colourfully - it's making my day much more interesting:

"Paradox, for me, exists as an infinite range of colour and shades. Different hues and intensities are all part of the range that exists within paradox. . . .
My comfort with paradox is not because I'm unwilling to take a stand or that I'm afraid of making a choice - although there have been many times when I questioned whether this was indeed a factor. No, I believe my comfort with paradox is that fact that I have become quite comfortable with the range of shades in between. It seems to be this space that holds exponential potential if I am willing to wander there. What emerges is often surprising and delightful and larger than the paradoxical situation itself."

I'll close on that resonating stuff (thanks Anita!), and I'll let this morning's piece 'stand on it's own'; some of you have already recieved it by email - when I just couldn't give up! Although it feels like a long time ago that I wrote 'Choices', I still recognise ME in it - and I'm glad! I'm still happy, and it's leaking out in fun, and surprising ways.

Choices - on a Saturday Morning

So if I can’t even make a decision about what I want to do today – how will I ever . . .
And then – why choose, just see what happens, especially since all my options are really pleasant and could be wonderful. With the result that I’m here in front of my screen; none of the other options seem as magnetic in this instant.

Minutes ago, I had just tried to stall’ any decision-making by checking in on the Wel-Sys-blogs, only to find stuff I’d already seen, which made me feel lonely – as if no one was talking to me, and then wonder what EVERYONE else is doing that keeps them away from writing, and then wondering why I feel I ‘need’ new pieces from y’all when what’s posted is so great and certainly worth re-reading (knowing I’m a different person today so would read them ‘like new’ . . . and. . .
And here I am, not having re-read anything, just seeing what unfolds with my morning.

Recently, the weeks have flown past, and it’s been All Good, even the rockier sections. I’ve set myself up for some surprises and relished them as Signs Of Life. I’ve popped with insights, and wished I could tell the world because they were such revelations for me. And I’ve just sat and breathed for long spaces of time (wondering What’s UP? Is this OK? etc. if I just sit and be. And it was ok, in fact very very ok. And that was a surprise too.

I don’t usually say this out loud but here goes: I’m happy inside. Restless and unfocussed but certainly alive, and it feels good. (Maybe that’s why I just wrote that I’m happy. Maybe it’s that I feel good, and equate that with h’ness.) And as well, so often I’m impatient or intolerant of what’s going on around me as it’s not in synch with what’s important to me – ‘life’s too short’ etc. EVEN THOUGH I know that time is abundant and there’s an intelligence to being in spaces that don’t feel in synch . . . and I can’t be specific about ‘what’s important to me’ . . . and there are choices I can make . . .

One of the popping themes/insights this week has been a combo along the line of ‘taking a stand’, resisting as a way I move through the world (even if ‘my position’ is only whispered inside of me and not overt, spoken, acted on) and the possibility that I could move myself (reposition myself) along the continuum and just allow and stand in a more gentle, receptive place. Obviously this isn’t rocket science, but it was a huge pop for me – and it hit while I was on the massage table receiving an extremely ‘soft’ treatment. Formerly, I would have begged the therapist to push harder, and she would have; this time I just went wow, there’s stuff for me to feel here, be aware of, that I’ve never felt/discovered in myself before. And this has been sitting with me for days, as numerous similar invitations, topics, images and references keep hitting me between the eyes. Gentleness isn’t weakness, nor is a show of strength or resistance always useful! Was I taking a stand in order to prove to myself that I’m here? That I’m not stupid and irrelevant and worse? Sort of like making lists and ticking off completed tasks; or anything that’s results oriented, for the sake of showing an outcome? Seems limiting, certainly. Seems, as I write, like a finite game - that I’m waking up to!

I’ll be gentle with myself now, and not berate ol’ me for not having popped/woken up/allowed/received years ago, wasted so many opportunities etc. etc. etc. And move into a wonderful, sunny Saturday not knowing AT ALL how it will unfold after I push the ‘publish’ button now. I’ll let my happiness that’s inside leak out, and see what that looks when it’s exposed to the air. And see how it’ll float, and where it’ll take me.

Just Starting Again

And why not? If my old site won't let me write a new post, I can deal. Right?
So here's the first entry on this new blog site, and we'll see how this flies, or if my computer hiccups again.
A bientot, assuming this site is a GO!